Echoes of Us

Chapter 13

CHAPTER

THIRTEEN

BEFORE

T he last week of school was a whirlwind: darting between tests, intense training sessions, our final match of the year, and spending every possible moment with Noah. I felt like I hardly got any sleep between late-night study sessions and Noah’s constant interruptions. I spent that entire week in his apartment. Jogging and gym routines fell by the wayside as I made more time for him. Instead of feeling calmer about leaving, each day made it worse. I switched my tickets to Wednesday instead of Monday to stay a few more days with him. He had booked a flight, too, and decided to spend the holidays with his mom. He didn’t look one bit excited about it.

He packed up his suitcase, and I tried to talk to him about it, but he fumbled with his words, and eventually, we just ended up making out on his bed. Most of our conversations ended like that, with one or both of us finishing in our hands. It got more intense every time it happened, and the thought of not seeing him for three weeks really got to me. Not only because I was worried about him but because I couldn’t imagine spending that amount of time apart from him. I almost missed my flight because he refused to let go of my lips and climb off me.

When I got home and saw my old bed, it looked incredibly lonely. I couldn’t imagine what Noah was feeling. He had told me about how much he was dreading going home. He didn’t want to hang out with his school friends, because he was sure he would end up using, and he didn’t want to stay home with his mom, because he was sure he’d end up using. We spent the days texting and calling each other, and I was sure my mom was starting to get weary of my phone. I told her about Noah, and she was happy for me, but around Christmas, she began complaining about how much time I spent looking at my phone.

Three days after Christmas, I was hanging out at my house waiting for my dad to come over when Noah called me.

“Hey,” I answered, walking out of the dining room and getting a look from my mom.

“Hey, Atty!” he said brightly.

I smiled. At least he was in a good mood. “How are you doing?”

He tittered nervously. “Atty, I don’t know how to say this, because I know how crazy it is. I want you to know I realize how crazy it is,” he rambled.

I started to frown. Oh no, this couldn’t be good. “What did you do?”

He chuckled again. He sounded anxious, almost giddy. “So I got kind of drunk last night after we talked, and I fucking miss you, you know? I was on my computer, and I told you I was drunk already, right?” he asked.

I waited for it. He stayed silent.

“Noah, what did you do? ”

“I just landed in Miami,” he said quietly.

Shock shot through me. “Noah, what the fuck?” I asked him, but I couldn’t stop myself from smiling. I walked a little further from the kitchen.

“I know, Atty, it’s crazy. I know it is. I was just so unhappy there. I looked up the tickets, and it all started sounding great. I thought about seeing you, and everything just sort of went out the window,” he explained.

Now what? I turned back towards the kitchen. How the hell did I spin this?

“Are you there?”

“Yeah, I’m just trying to figure out what to do.”

“I can book a hotel, just text me your address so it’s close by. I’ll grab a car and go check in,” he said.

“You can’t stay at a crappy Miami hotel alone for the holidays. Are you trying to get yourself into the most depressing scenario possible?”

“I’m not doing it on purpose,” he complained.

“Just give me a second, okay? Don’t move, don’t do anything. Wait for my call,” I told him.

“Okay.”

I hung up and went to my mom.

She glanced up at me and smiled. “Is Noah having a good break?”

“Yeah, funny thing about Noah.”

She stopped what she was doing, waiting for me to go on. “What is it?” she asked when I didn’t say anything.

“Well, I don’t think I’ve told you, but he doesn’t get along with his mom, and his dad died last year. He’s not having the best time right now, with the holidays and whatnot.” I could see her expression softening.

“Oh, that’s so sad, Atty. I had no idea.”

“Yeah, it is, and so that was him calling me just now, you know, telling me he wasn’t doing so well, and I asked him if he wanted to come over and spend the rest of the break with us. I’m sorry I didn’t check with you first. I just wanted to help.”

“No, that’s okay, sweetie. He can stay with us. Is he getting here tomorrow?”

Relief flooded me. “No, I think he can make it tonight. I can go get him at the airport.”

“Sure, Atty, you can go. I’ll head over to the store and get some more things. What does he like to eat?”

I thought about that. The only thing I had seen Noah eat regularly was chips.

“I’ll ask him. Thanks, Mom. You think I could take the car? I haven’t gotten him his Christmas present. I’ll call Dad and ask if we can reschedule for tomorrow,” I told her, and she agreed.

I left again and called him. He answered on the first ring.

“I’m sorry for doing this. I feel like a fucking nutjob right now,” he said quickly.

I laughed warmly. “It’s okay, Noah—change of plans. You’re staying with us,” I said, hearing the relief in his breath on the other end.

“Really?”

“Yeah, I told her I had asked you over, so technically, you’re not here yet. I’m going to pick you up now. It’ll take me about twenty minutes to get there, and we’ll figure out the rest.”

“Are you sure? Because I can just get a hotel.”

“I’m really very sure. She’s going out to the store to pick up more food for you as we speak,” I told him.

He let out a soft laugh. “Oh god, she doesn’t have to do that,” he said, embarrassed.

I smiled. I had never seen Noah be bashful about anything. It was going to be interesting seeing him around my mom.

“She’ll do it anyway. I’m going to pick you up, okay? I’m on my way.” I grabbed the keys and left the house .

Driving to the airport, a knot formed in my stomach. I was excited to see him and happy he would be spending the break with me at my house, but was this too much? I couldn’t imagine telling Colin and Ezra about it. Ezra was going to find out either way, and I wished I could avoid that, but I knew I couldn’t. I had to lie to my mom, which I hated. I hadn’t told my dad about him either, and now he would be finding out about it pretty soon. Noah was like a hurricane, sweeping through my life and leaving nothing untouched.

I saw him standing at the door with a duffle bag slung over his shoulder, looking down at his phone. The airport’s fluorescent lights cast a harsh glow over his tousled hair, but his smile lit up his face as soon as he saw me. I smiled to myself and parked next to him. He walked quickly towards the car, the cool air swirling around him, and slipped inside with a rush of warmth.

He closed the door behind him and leaned over to kiss me. “I’m so sorry,” he said against my lips.

I kissed him again. I had really missed him.

“It’s fine,” I said.

His hands grabbed my face and held me close to his lips. I kissed him while trying to pry him off me.

“Come on, let me drive.”

He sat in the seat next to me and took a deep breath. “This is crazy,” he said, shaking his head.

“You’re crazy,” I corrected.

He laughed, a mixture of excitement and nerves. “I am, I’m so sorry.”

“I haven’t got the faintest idea what we’re going to do until it’s feasible that you got here. How long is the flight?”

“Six hours.”

I gave him a look, to which he cracked up. “You’re insane, Noah.”

“It’s the same time it takes you to go to school,” he pointed out .

“Yeah, and I get those tickets months in advance. How did you even manage it? We talked last night until like midnight.”

“Yeah, but it was nine for me, so…” he said as if that were a good explanation. “Aren’t you happy to see me?” He looked apprehensive.

“Of course, I’m happy to see you. I’m just shocked, I guess, that you would come out here for me.”

“I’d go anywhere for you, Atty,” he said softly.

I smiled, shaking my head and keeping my eyes on the road. I thought of calling Ezra and asking if Noah could stay, but Noah refused. We drove to the mall and strolled around for a while, the holiday decorations still twinkling, casting a festive glow on everything. We agreed I’d come and pick him up here later. When I finally did, he had made five new friends in the food court and had beers with them.

When we got to my house, he was visibly nervous again, and honestly, so was I. My dad had come over, too, and I’d told him about Noah.

He had blinked at me and said, “Alright,” after five minutes of tense silence.

I walked in, placing my keys at the door and carrying Noah’s bag for him. “We’re here,” I called.

“In the living room,” my mom said.

I turned towards Noah’s panicked face. “It’s going to be fine,” I told him, keeping my voice down and smiling as I kissed his cheek.

My dad sat on the armchair and stood up as I came in. “Your mom’s in the kitchen. She’ll be right back.”

I could tell he was uncomfortable too. I widened my eyes at him and tapped my cheek. I took after him, and that had always been our sign to soften our faces so they didn’t look scary. His eyebrows relaxed instantly, and he tried to smile. I bit back a laugh.

“Okay. Dad, this is Noah. ”

He walked past me, extending his hand to my dad. “Nice to meet you.”

My dad grabbed his hand.

“Atty told me he took after you, but you look a lot alike. I wasn’t expecting it to be so uncanny. It’s like, I figured you’d be tall like him, but it’s the whole thing,” he said quickly.

I smiled, watching my dad shake his hand and try to understand what had just happened.

“Thank you,” he managed.

Noah snorted, looking back at me. “Even that’s the same,” he said, pointing at me.

I covered up my laugh as a cough.

“I brought out something to eat in case you didn’t get anything on the plane,” my mom said, carrying a tray.

I was about to walk over, but Noah beat me to it, helping her and setting it down at the table.

“Thank you, Noah. It’s nice to meet you. Atty’s told me so much about you.”

He turned to beam at me. “Hi, sorry, it’s nice to meet you too.”

I knew he was also trying not to crack up at my mom calling me Atty.

“Thank you for taking me in. I’m sorry for inconveniencing you like this during the holidays. I wasn’t having the best time with my family. This is the first Christmas without my dad, you know, now that the shock wore off, and it’s hard with my mom’s new boyfriend around too,” he said quickly and then looked like he regretted it. “I’m sorry, I overshare when I’m nervous.”

We sat and chatted with my parents. By that, I mean my mom and Noah talked while my dad observed him with a mixture of curiosity and alarm, and I tried not to laugh. I’d picked up Noah at nine. It was already pretty late, and my dad had only stayed to meet him.

About ten minutes later, we said goodbye to my dad, and my mom walked Noah upstairs to show him his room. He turned to glance at me, and I shrugged in response. She said goodnight, and I leaned on the door frame as he sat on the bed, the room softly illuminated by the glow of the bedside lamp.

“That was weird.”

“Tell me about it. I got used to being the fumbling idiot in the relationship.”

He giggled, got up from bed and walked over to me. He grabbed me by my hips and nudged me into the room, closing the door behind me.

“Hey, we can’t do that here,” I told him as he pushed onto his tiptoes, pulling me down by my shirt and kissing my neck.

“Are you serious?”

“I’m serious. That’s why we have separate bedrooms. Did you think my mom would let you sleep in my bed?” I asked him.

He pursed his lips thoughtfully. “We live alone at college. Doesn’t she know we can do that there anyway?”

“She probably does, but this is her house, her rules,” I told him.

He fell back on the bed, the mattress sighing under his weight, and glanced up at me with a pout. “That sucks. What about harmless cuddling?” he asked, smiling up at me.

“Cuddling is never harmless with you.”

He snickered. He tugged on my hand, and I fell onto the bed with him.

“Come on, I missed you.” He kissed my cheek and fit himself to me.

I turned on my side and hugged him closer, kissing him. “I missed you too. I can’t believe you’re here.” I kissed his cheek and jaw, my lips brushing against his stubble.

He sighed. He had his eyes closed, a placid smile playing on his lips. “This is so much better. ”

“What is?”

His expression softened. “Being with you. It’s much better than being trapped in the ice palace.” He rolled his eyes.

The knot in my chest made a sudden appearance as I looked down at the open V of his shirt. His collarbone was more pronounced.

“How were you really, Noah?”

His smile faded. “What are you asking me?” His tone lost all the playfulness it usually held.

“You were worried about using again while you were there. Did you?”

He met my eyes levelly but didn’t say anything. I closed mine and sat back up on the bed, running my hands through my hair. Damn it.

“She has a boyfriend, Atty,” he said weakly, his voice barely above a whisper.

“What the hell does that have to do with anything?”

He was frowning, looking down at his lap. “I just couldn’t be in that house with her. I went to a friend’s house, and it wasn’t a lot,” he explained.

“When?” I tried to keep my voice steady.

“The day before Christmas.”

I turned away from him again, the weight of his words settling heavily on my shoulders.

“Atty—” His voice was pleading.

“Noah, that was the day after you got there. It’s like you’re not even trying.”

“I am trying. It’s just hard, okay? It’s harder than I thought.” His hands found my hips.

“Then you do need help.”

“I don’t need help. I just need you. If I’m with you, everything’s fine. It’s this fucking break and going back there.” He reached for my face and made me look at him. “I didn’t buy any; they just had it. I didn’t get it myself. I haven’t done it since, but I thought about it a lot yesterday. I almost did, but then I got the tickets instead. Just thinking about seeing you was enough to make me forget about it again.” His words tumbled out in a rush.

“And what happens during spring break? Summer?”

He just blinked at me.

“What happens then? When we’re not together? If I come and visit my mom for the weekend, what then?”

“That’s still a long time. I’ll have it under control by then,” he argued. “This works, Atty, you and I. This really works. You told me you were happy. Well, so am I. I’ve never been this happy with anybody else. I know you haven’t been in a relationship before, but I have, and this is very different. Trust me on that. This that we have is like a fucking fantasy, Atty; this makes everything better. You make me better, and I will. I’ll get better.”

I melted at his words.

“I’m sorry I fucked up. I promise I won’t do it again.” He guided me to sit on the bed and hugged me, wrapping his arms around my neck. It felt comforting and suffocating at the same time.

“You’re not supposed to quit for me , Noah. You’re meant to quit for you .” I looped my arms around his waist loosely and rested my chin on his shoulder.

“I am.”

I realized he had told me the truth about himself long ago. Noah said many things he didn’t mean. There was a nagging voice in my head telling me repeatedly that this wasn’t going to get better on its own. Things wouldn’t change if he kept at it and apologized afterward. He would never get better. I tried to firm up the resolve I wasn’t sure I had and took a deep breath.

“If you do it again, I’ll break up with you.”

Noah tensed in my arms. He looked down at me, his green eyes wide with shock.

“Either you get help, or I’ll break up with you. I’m not kidding around. Even if it breaks me, I’ll do it.” Even saying this out loud made my heart hurt.

His expression turned serious. “Okay. I heard you.” He got his fingers tangled in my hair and held me firmly. “I’m not going to fuck up,” he added with another nod, his voice steady.

“Please be serious about this, Noah,” I asked him, breaking down just thinking of having to stick to my words. “I need you to stop hurting yourself. You promised you were going to stop doing it.”

“I’m serious. I don’t want to lose you. I’m so sorry. I promise I won’t do it again. I promise.” He brushed the words against my lips.

I hoped they weren’t empty, that he wasn’t saying them to me just to calm me down. I wasn’t sure I knew the difference between his lies and truths. Everything mixed up in how he looked at me.

I wrapped my arms tighter around him, and he reciprocated. “I don’t want to lose you either. Please don’t make me do it,” I said over his shoulder.

I stayed with him for a while before heading back to my room. I tried to sleep, but my mind kept wandering back to him. Around one, I gave up and snuck out of my room and into his, getting in bed and wrapping myself around him. He sighed and rubbed his face in my chest, pulling me closer.

Noah had ruined sleeping for me. I was never going to manage to sleep so soundly without him clinging to me like he did. I was sure of that.

The following day, I snuck back out of his room before my mom woke up, changed, and went for a run to clear my head. When I returned, Noah was in the kitchen with my mom, helping her prepare breakfast .

“I’ve never made eggs for myself,” he admitted with a self-conscious laugh.

“It’s never too late to learn,” my mom said patiently, looking over his shoulder. “Don’t let the heat get too high and keep stirring so they don’t stick to the bottom,” she instructed.

I leaned against the door frame, watching them with a smile. I knocked on the wood, and they both turned towards me.

“Hey,” Noah said, smiling. I could tell our conversation from last night still weighed heavily on him; the smile didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“I thought you’d still be asleep,” I said.

My mom walked over and patted my cheek.

“Morning, Mom.” I kissed her cheek.

“Morning, sweetie. Do you want to shower before breakfast?” she asked, giving me a pointed look.

I smiled and nodded. “I’ll be right back.” I headed towards the stairs.

“Atty, wait,” Noah called out, following me. He turned to my mom. “I’ll be right back. I just need to give him something.”

“What is it?” I asked as he led me to his room.

He returned with a small box wrapped in Christmas paper, holding it out to me.

A smile spread across my face. “You got me a Christmas present?”

“Yeah, it’s a little late, but yeah. I was going to give it to you yesterday, but after we talked, it felt like I was trying to buy you off or something,” he said, making me chuckle. He smiled and licked his lips. “Go on, open it,” he urged.

“I got you something too,” I admitted, and his smile grew wider. I carefully unwrapped the paper to reveal a white box with an Apple logo. My mouth dropped open slowly. “Noah?— ”

“Before you say anything, I want to point out that I’m a responsible spender. It’s possibly the only thing I’m responsible with. I can afford things like these and wanted to get you something you could use. I noticed you use yours to work out and train and all the insane things you do to keep that body, and I just wanted to show my support for that endeavor,” he said with a grin. “All kidding aside, it’s the same brand, so it’ll work better with your phone.”

Opening the box, I found a sleek new Apple Watch inside.

I was touched by his thoughtfulness. “It’s great, Noah. Thank you.”

He grinned, and I leaned in to kiss him.

“You can give me yours later. I have to keep cooking with your mom. I’ll try not to burn anything too badly,” he said, playfully shooing me away.

I watched him walk back down the stairs with a frown.

As I showered, my mind wandered back to the puzzle that was Noah Rossi. His lavish apartment, last-minute plane tickets, and casual mentions of his father’s wealth all started to piece together. The cold, canned beer at his parties, the pinky ring with a family crest, and his seemingly careless attitude towards money—each detail painted a clearer picture. Noah was essentially a twenty-year-old with no adult supervision and unlimited cash, struggling with depression and a drug problem. It was a recipe for disaster.

When I returned to the kitchen, the table was set for breakfast. Noah looked ridiculously proud of his eggs, and my mom couldn’t contain her amusement. We sat down to eat, and I set up the watch while Noah scrolled through his phone.

My mom noticed the watch and raised an eyebrow.

“It’s my Christmas present from Noah,” I explained, and I could sense her apprehension.

“Atty deserves the best. It was an easy call,” Noah said, smiling before returning to his phone .

Her expression softened, and she smiled before leaving. I kissed Noah’s cheek, and he moved closer as I wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

Later, I gave Noah his present, feeling a bit self-conscious after his extravagant gift. It was a sleeveless hoodie, and he cracked up as soon as he saw it, teasing me about how it was more of a present for me than for him. He tried it on, and he wasn’t wrong. That night, he snuck into my bed wearing it. We barely got any sleep, tangled up in each other, whispering and laughing until the early hours.

The next day was the day before New Year’s Eve, and I had a reunion with my old volleyball team. We were meeting at Ezra’s house, and I could tell Noah was a little wary of the plan, but he still wanted to go. I told Noah I hadn’t come out to them either. Only Ezra knew about us, so he had to be subtle. As soon as I said it, I knew he would be in a complicated mood.

I hadn’t told Ezra that Noah was in town, and I could see his face fall as soon as he saw us walking towards his house.

“Hey, Noah’s here,” he said as we approached.

I gave him a warning look, and he rearranged his face into a forced smile.

“I hope that’s okay,” Noah said.

“Sure, the more, the merrier,” Ezra replied. “Oh, you know who made it? Chase.”

My heart stopped. “That’s great,” I said, noticing Noah glancing at me from the corner of my eye.

“Yeah, it’s great, right? The whole team is here,” Ezra said, leading us to the terrace.

Shit.

Noah held me by my elbow, his eyes probing mine. “What is it? ”

Sometimes, I hated that he could read me so easily.

“Okay, so I don’t want you to read anything into it, but I kind of had a crush on Chase during high school. Let’s go say hi,” I said dismissively.

He held me again. “That’s pretty cute, Atty. You don’t have to worry about that.”

I let my shoulders relax. “Really?” I asked and he gave me a nod.

We approached the group, and Chase spotted me right away.

“No fucking shit! Atticus, my king, you came!” Chase called loudly, walking over to hug me. I probably should have warned Noah about that.

I hugged Chase back and looked at Noah. He didn’t look as amused as he had a second ago.

“Hey, Chase,” I said as he stepped back.

He blinked at me, surprised. “Aren’t you going to yell at me for being loud? What the hell happened to you in college? Did you go soft?” he asked with a laugh.

Noah scowled.

“I haven’t gone soft. Could you kindly piss off now,” I said tightly.

Chase smiled. “That’s more like it,” Chase said, then looked at Noah. “Are you King’s friend? You’re on his team back at college?” he asked, extending his hand.

“This is Noah,” I said, offering no explanation beyond that. I could see Noah’s jaw clench before he smiled and took Chase’s hand.

“Chase.”

“Noah. No, I played in high school, but I don’t anymore. I train with them sometimes.”

“That makes sense. I can’t imagine this guy talking to anybody outside of volleyball. You look bigger. Have you gotten bigger?” He pulled on my arm and pressed it next to his to compare. “Definitely bigger,” he said, shaking his head. “Is he still obsessively training?” he asked Noah.

“Pretty much. What position did you play?” Noah asked.

“Middle blocker. King has been my partner since the first year. That’s why he’ll always be my king.” Chase guffawed. “How about you?”

“Same,” Noah said with a smile.

“Really? I guess King does have a type, doesn’t he?” Chase asked.

I tried to ignore the embarrassment his words caused me. “Fuck off,” I told him.

He laughed. “See, that’s more like the devil I know and love. Do you still hate beer? Let me get you one. Do you want one, Noah?” Chase asked, and Noah thanked him. Chase jogged away, leaving a silence behind.

“So, that was Chase,” I said, looking at Noah. “Do you want to meet the rest of the team?”

He gave me an unamused look. “My king?”

I nudged him towards the others. Chase handed us our beers while I introduced Noah to the guys. They started going on about previous matches and training camp, like old friends often do. I could tell Noah was uncomfortable, not because socializing wasn’t second nature to him, but because he had to keep away from me. Chase sat next to me, asking about the college team and telling me about his own. He kept reaching to grab my arm or leg, and I could see Noah glancing at him. It felt weird for me, too, not touching Noah. I had gotten used to his hand in mine or having my arm over his shoulder. He was turning me into a touchy person, but exclusively reserved for him. Chase was making me uncomfortable, as he usually did after my crush subsided.

Chase’s presence felt like a barrier, an awkward reminder of a past crush that now seemed trivial compared to my feelings for Noah. I could see the tension in Noah’s posture, the way his jaw tightened every time Chase touched me .

When Chase’s hand landed on my knee for the umpteenth time, Noah’s restraint wavered. His eyes darkened, and he took a deep breath.

“Hey, are you okay?”

Noah nodded, but his fidgeting leg and bitten lip told another story. “I’m fine. They don’t smoke, right?” His tone was clipped.

“They might, but it’s not legal here, and Ezra’s parents are probably home,” I explained, watching his leg bounce furiously. “Are you sure you’re okay?” I asked again, more softly this time.

“I said I’m fine,” he snapped, startling me. Noah was mad at me.

“Come on, Noah,” I said quietly, trying to keep my tone soothing.

He shook his head, frustration evident in his movements. I stood up and gestured for him to follow. Reluctantly, he did, and we walked by the pool, getting out of view from the rest of the team.

“Why are you mad at me?” I asked once we were out of earshot of the others.

“I’m not mad at you.” He avoided my gaze.

“You’re mad, Noah. I can tell,” I insisted.

He huffed. “I don’t get why you can’t tell them. They’re your friends, and Chase knows you’re gay, so maybe more of them do.”

I had a feeling this was the real issue. “You said I didn’t have to worry about that,” I reminded him.

“I know, but he’s into you. That’s very different from a teenage crush,” he said.

I chuckled. Judging by his face, that was the wrong move.

“I’m sorry, Noah. Chase is not into me. He’s the straightest man on the planet. He just likes to tease me and has serious boundary issues, but he is not into me,” I assured him, but he was still pissed. “Even if he was, I don’t like him anymore. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m a short step away from being completely obsessed with you. I’m not looking at anybody else,” I told him earnestly.

“How are you so sure? That he’s the straightest man on the planet?”

We stared at each other while I tried not to make this into a bigger deal than it was.

“He kissed me once,” I admitted, seeing the self-righteous anger mixed with the triumph of being right flaring in his eyes.

“Ha!” he exclaimed. “That’s not straight man behavior, Atty.”

I scowled. “He said he wasn’t into it. That’s straight,” I argued. “Why are you picking a fight with me over this?”

“I’m not picking a fight with you,” he said, his tone defensive.

“Yes, you are. You’re picking a fight with me over Chase, of all people,” I retorted, exasperated.

“I’m not. I’m just pointing out the undeniable fact that he’s into you,” he argued back, his eyes narrowing.

“He’s not into me, Noah,” I whined, feeling like we were going in circles.

“Then why did he kiss you?” he demanded, his voice low but intense.

“He realized I had a crush on him. You know I can’t pretend when I like someone, and I always played with him. He caught on, kissed me to try it out, and told me he wasn’t into it. That was literally all that happened, and that was two years ago,” I explained, watching his frown deepen. “How am I making it worse?” I asked, feeling helpless.

“If he knows you’re gay, why can’t you tell him about us?”

“Because he has no impulse control. He’d tell everybody! I had to beg him not to last time, and he barely got away with it,” I said, my voice getting louder. I took a deep breath to calm myself. “Why are you so mad at me? I haven’t done anything wrong.”

“Because I’m jealous, Atticus. Fuck. Do I have to spell everything out to you?” he snapped angrily.

I stood there looking at him, stunned. This was the first time he had said something like that to me. I was used to people getting exasperated with me over things like this, but he had never done it.

“That was mean, Noah.”

The anger left his face slowly. He parted his lips, probably to keep arguing, but I was done listening. I turned and walked back to sit with the rest of the team. Ezra gave me a look, and I crossed my arms, pressing my lips together. Noah sat beside me, but I refused to meet his gaze. Chase started talking to me again, and I tried to focus on his words.

Chase always smiled at me while he spoke and kept reaching out. If I didn’t know him, I’d be confused about his behavior too. Chase was just like that: always smiling, outgoing, and touchy. Then it hit me—I did have a type. That was probably what was pissing Noah off. He probably hadn’t contemplated the idea that I had liked someone similar to him before. Honestly, I doubted there was anybody like him, at least for me. It might look on the outside like Chase and Noah were alike, but they weren’t.

Chase was brash and rough around the edges, and Noah was anything but. Even being a slob, he couldn’t stop himself from looking elegant. He was graceful and delicate in the way he moved and carried himself. They were both outgoing, but Noah was quick-witted and had just the right amount of arrogance, whereas Chase was bursting with it. They looked nothing like each other—Chase was blond and blue-eyed, shorter than me, but with a stockier build than Noah. He was objectively good-looking but not even close to how attractive Noah was. Even in how they treated me, Chase had spent our entire high school term pointing out my social inadequacies, and Noah had always celebrated them. He had even called me an angel once, which was embarrassing to even think about, but it had been sweet. You know, until now, when he scolded me for it.

Chase’s hand closed over my wrist, pulling it towards him.

“Did you get it for Christmas? That’s pretty cool, King,” he said, looking at my watch.

I snatched my hand back. “Yeah,” I paused, considering my words. “Noah got it for me.”

Noah stopped his conversation.

“Seriously?” Chase asked, glancing at Noah.

I caught Noah’s nod from the corner of my eye.

“Wow, jealous. I wish I had a friend like that.”

I took a deep breath. “Boyfriend,” I corrected, leaning closer and lowering my voice, feeling a surge of courage.

Chase’s eyes snapped back to me, widening in surprise.

“Noah’s my boyfriend,” I said, watching his eyes widen further and then frown.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Noah’s your boyfriend?” he asked loudly.

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. The rest of the team fell silent.

“King, you fucking cheated! I thought we weren’t supposed to bring dates. Sarah’s been pissed at me all week for ditching her today,” he said, complaining to Ezra.

“Don’t look at me. I didn’t even know Noah was in town,” Ezra said, trying to defuse the tension.

“Just because you date guys doesn’t mean you get to sneak them in. Even if they do play volleyball,” Chase continued.

“You know, that information was only meant for you,” I pointed out.

His eyes widened further. “Oh, whoops. Sorry, King. I guess the cat’s out of the bag,” he said with a laugh, slapping my shoulder.

I glanced at Noah as he stared at me wide-eyed, his lips parted. I shrugged, and he smiled, a soft, understanding smile. I looked at the rest of the team. A couple of the younger ones appeared shocked, but the rest seemed cool with it, even if they were surprised.

“I never would have guessed you were gay,” Daniel, another blocker from Ezra’s year, said. “I just figured you weren’t interested in anything besides volleyball.”

“That’s what I said,” Ezra chimed in, grinning.

“This doesn’t have to be a topic of conversation. We can move past it,” I said.

“When did you find out? How the hell did Chase know?” John, another guy from my year, asked with genuine curiosity in his voice.

“He told me in junior year,” Chase said, and I was grateful he at least had the decency not to bring up my crush. “I’m going to call Sarah and tell her to come over. I don’t care what you say. King broke the code first.” He pushed off his chair and grabbed his phone.

“No, Chase,” Ezra tried to intervene.

“If he’s calling his girlfriend, I’m getting Ana to come too,” John said, and they all started complaining loudly.

I glanced at Noah, trying to gauge his reaction.

“I’m sorry, Atty.” He kept his voice down. “I didn’t mean it. I was just mad and took it out on you.”

“I know. Do you get why I didn’t want to tell him now?”

“Yeah.”

“You need to understand I’m not like you, Noah. I’m not comfortable with everybody knowing my business. I don’t want people to know because they don’t need to know everything about me, not because I’m embarrassed by you or something. I still can’t believe I even got you in the first place.”

His face softened even more. “I’m sorry. You’re right. I got jealous. And don’t say things like that, Atty. I’m the one who’s lucky to have you. You know that, right?” He reached for my hand. I let him lace his fingers with mine.

Chase slumped back in the chair next to me. “Sorry about that, she’s coming over,” he said with a smile and regarded Noah. “So, you’re like King’s sugar daddy?”

I rubbed my hand on my face. For fuck’s sake.

Noah beamed. “Yeah, I guess I am.”

I looked at him. “Don’t wind him up. He gets super annoying,” I warned.

“How old are you?” Chase asked Noah.

“Don’t answer that.” I reached to cover his mouth.

“Twenty-one next month,” he said before I could reach him.

Oh no.

“You’re fucking kidding me!” Chase slapped his thigh and cackled loudly.

“You’re twenty-one?” Ezra asked.

“Almost,” Noah said.

“You are his sugar daddy. I was just messing with you because of the watch,” Chase said.

Ezra glanced down at my wrist, his eyebrow going up.

“Did you know King was the youngest one in our year? You would never be able to tell by looking at him. He would be the way to go if you had to choose a trophy boyfriend. He’s so fucking ripped.”

Noah grinned while nodding. “He is.” He winked at me.

“If I were into guys, I would totally be into him. You know, social awkwardness aside, he’s super hot,” Chase said.

I scowled at him.

“God, especially when he’s mad,” he said, mockingly biting his lip and then proceeded to laugh uproariously when I sighed, letting my head fall back.

“Could you just not?”

“I’ll stop, I’ll stop,” he said .

I glanced at Noah’s smiling face. “Don’t give him more ammunition, I’m begging you. No more personal information.”

“Can you believe that’s the way he treats me? I was basically his best friend through high school,” Chase said.

“You were not my best friend,” I said over him.

“And now he turns on me. He never answers my texts. God forbid he ever called me to check in. He’s a shitty long-distance best friend.” Chase kept going, “He didn’t even tell me he was in a relationship.”

“Because you’re not my best friend,” I said again.

“I’m his best friend,” Ezra said, jumping back into the conversation.

“Well,” I said with a grimace, trying to keep the mood light.

“Colin’s not your fucking best friend, Att. It’s me, and you know it,” Ezra said.

I tried not to smile.

“He can be so hurtful,” Chase told Ezra. They both nodded in mock seriousness.

“Am I your best friend?” Noah asked me with a smile.

“No, you’re my boyfriend. That’s different,” I said to him.

“Then who is your best friend?” Chase asked.

“My mom,” I said, and they all awww ed in chorus.

“You have to be the only grown man in existence who can get away with saying shit like that,” Ezra said, laughing.

“You’re too fucking cute, Atty,” Noah told me.

“I think I might have a crush on him now,” Chase joked. “And Atty? Please let me call you that from now on?”

“No fucking way. What did I say about personal information?” I said to Noah, who smiled and leaned closer to me, kissing my cheek.

Chase tugged on my shirt and kissed my other cheek.

“For fuck’s sake.” I pushed him back.

They kept laughing at my expense, and after Sarah got there, they moved on to shots. I couldn’t complain about them getting along, mainly because Ezra loved Chase, and it was helping him stop being mean to Noah. It was nice seeing them getting along.

After the shots got to them, Chase, Sarah, and Noah coaxed me away from the team and towards the back of the pool. Of course, they smoked weed. I rolled my eyes at them, and Chase sniggered excitedly at the prospect of me smoking with them. By the night’s end, Noah was friends with all of them—not that I was surprised—and he had already made plans to see Chase in a couple of days.

When we got home, he was more than a little tipsy. Even though I tried to get him to sleep on his bed, he insisted on getting me to stay while he kissed my neck and straddled my lap, rubbing himself over me. I was lightheaded enough not to care, so I locked the door and got him out of his clothes. Whenever we kissed like this, Noah started to get impatient. He was trying his best to get me to stop thinking and just go along for the ride, whatever that was. It’s not like Noah had to try very hard. If he managed to get his hands or mouth below my belt, I was lost. That night, he got me naked in bed with him, and I knew things were slipping further out of my control, but I couldn’t say no to him.

I was terrible at denying him anything.