Chapter 10
TEN
Sam
That might have been a slight exaggeration, but only a little.
I’m serious about her and about us.
I wasn’t lying about wanting her to enjoy the college experience, to go into it with an open mind. Yes, the thought of her being with another guy is enough to make me want to punch things, but that’s not fair to her. She’s not even out of high school yet, and I’m ready to make her mine.
That feels selfish as fuck.
I just don’t know how to make her understand it’s not because I want the freedom to fool around. That’s not who I am, and I hope she knows that.
“Are you… serious right now?”
“Yes and no. Yes, I can see us married someday. But I don’t want to elope. I would if I thought you were ready and that’s what you wanted too, but come on—don’t tell me you don’t have dreams of the big wedding, the dress, all the bells and whistles.”
“Absolutely.”
“I guess what I was trying to convey is that I’m serious about us, Kirsten, but I’m trying really hard not to be selfish.”
“How is wanting what I want selfish?”
I sigh.
I can’t grow her up any faster.
Nothing I say will convince her that she needs to experience more in this world than just me. That no matter how she thinks she feels, that could change tomorrow, next week, or a year from now.
Although, to be fair, it’s the same for me.
Except I don’t think so because I’ve had enough girlfriends to know what I want. And what I don’t want.
“Tell me what you want out of our relationship,” I say carefully.
“How can I know that?” she asks. “I want to be together. I like you. I’ve been crazy about you since the first time we met. And I’m not like other eighteen-year-olds. I think that’s what you’re forgetting. After what my parents did? I mean, they pretended to die so they could be child-free and live on an island in the South Pacific. I wasn’t quite fifteen. Sydney had to work two jobs to feed us and keep a roof over our heads. I would come home from school and take care of the babies, do my homework, and make dinner.
“Just over a year later I recorded a hit single with the biggest rock band in the world and made hundreds of thousands of dollars. I’m rich, successful, and finally legal. I don’t think it’s fair to compare me to other teenagers.”
“You’re right,” I admit carefully. “That’s partly why we’re together at all. I know you’re not like other girls your age. But I also know you’ve been pretty sheltered thanks to Sydney, Ford, and Kingston. They’ve protected you from a lot of what’s ugly in the world.”
“So you think I need to experience ugliness to qualify to be your girlfriend? My parents abandoning me and my little brothers wasn’t ugly? Finding out my parents were willing to sign away their parental rights wasn’t ugly? The fact that they left, and even after being confronted by Ford and Sydney, have no interest in their children isn’t ugly? Finding out that they chased away my pregnant sister’s baby daddy so they could steal her baby for themselves wasn’t ugly?”
This isn’t going the way I wanted this conversation to.
Or maybe it is.
I’m trying to be unselfish.
But she’s not letting me.
“So what you’re trying to say is you want to do the long distance thing?” I ask after a moment.
“I want to do the here and now thing,” she snaps. “You’re going to be here for the next month or so. I’m going to be here for the next month or so. I have to go to school, you have to go to work—but hey, that’s how dating works. Isn’t it?”
“I suppose it is.”
“So why can’t we date? Why can’t we officially become boyfriend and girlfriend and see what happens?”
Because I’m going to fall head over heels and potentially drag her down to some chapel.
I don’t say that, but how can she not see how I feel?
You have to tell her, asshole.
“We’re going to catch feelings,” I say slowly. “And then go our separate ways.”
“You think I haven’t already caught feelings?” she asks. “And I may not be an expert on men, but I dare you to tell me you haven’t.”
Christ.
Maybe I am underestimating her.
She’s not a kid.
She’s not like the high school girls I dated when I was that age.
Kirsten is special.
She always has been.
And no matter how hard I’ve tried to resist, she’s mine now.
“Sam?”
I guess she’s waiting for an answer.
Have I caught feelings?
Fuck yes, I have.
“You know I have feelings for you,” I say. “That’s why I’m trying to do what’s better for you than for myself. The thought of you fucking some frat boy makes me want to hurt him. But in that scenario above, where you meet someone interesting… how is it fair that you can’t kiss someone? Touch someone? I don’t want you to miss out on the exploration that’s part of life… Part of growing up.”
She sighs. “But what’s the protocol if that never happens? Are we going to not be together on the off chance I meet someone I like enough to want to kiss? Because let’s be honest, you’re going to meet girls too. There will most likely be a lot more groupies around you than frat boys around me.”
“Do you worry about Ford cheating on Sydney?”
“No, but they have a family, and years of history.”
“Yet they’ve been in love since they were seventeen. They would have been together back then if your parents hadn’t lied and forcibly separated them. Right?”
“I think you just made my whole point.”
Christ.
This conversation is going in circles.
And I’m kind of done.
I’m only human.
A human with big feelings for this magnificent young woman.
“How does dating work?” I ask abruptly.
“What?”
“We’ve slept together. Your sister must know?”
“Oh, yeah.”
“Do we pretend that we didn’t? Do I drop you off at ten o’clock every night and midnight on weekends? How does this work? I want to be respectful but we’re past the holding hands stage—and your sister knows it.”
“I have to talk to Sydney about the details. I didn’t want to have that conversation until we had this one.”
I chuckle. “That’s fair. Do you want me to go with you or do you want to do it on your own?”
“I think I’ll handle this myself. She and I are close, so I want to make sure I approach this in a way that won’t upset her. Not the sex stuff—she’s fine with that—but actually having one of her babies leaving the nest a little early. She raised me because my mom wanted no part of chasing a toddler. From the time I was about two, Sydney was my full-time caregiver other than when she was at school. I don’t call her mom, but she’s really the only one who’s ever treated me like she is, so I have to be gentle about spreading my wings and flying away from her.”
“Gotcha.”
“And I have a Spanish test in the morning, so I really do need to review before bed.”
“You want me to take you home?”
“I think I need to. Then I can also talk to Sydney, and we can discuss how she feels about sleepovers. I think more on the weekends than anything else, but there’s only two more weeks until finals. Then graduation. And I’ll be yours full-time until you leave.”
“I like the sound of that.”
I glance down at where our hands have been linked this whole time.
Even as we discussed a difficult issue, our bond didn’t waver.
And I’m suddenly a lot less worried.