Cat
The moment we arrive at Shane’s apartment this evening, I scour the place for Steve. I corner him in the kitchen as he retrieves a bag of popcorn from the microwave.
It’s been too cold to drive to the beach, and these past few weekends we’ve been convening at Shane’s apartment to hang out. Shane obviously made sure Tori had a key to his place, and we’ve been spending time here even on the nights Shane works. He’s assured us that he doesn’t mind, but it still felt like we were intruding upon his privacy when we first started coming. It helps that Shane doesn’t yet have a roommate we’d pester with our frequent presence. Shane’s the only one of us with his own place, the only one outside the purview of parental supervision, and the rest of us enjoy the heck out of it.
“I’m sure Vada told you that Ran called me Thursday night,” I start off my conversation with Steve.
Steve turns to lean back against the kitchen counter. “Actually, she hasn’t.”
“No?” I ask, surprised. “Oh. Okay, don’t tell your dad, okay? I don’t want Ran to get into trouble.”
Steve chuckles wryly. “Cross my heart and hope to die. I’d never rat on Ran for calling you. You know how I feel about this bullshit about him not being allowed to talk on the phone.”
I grin. “And I love you for it. Anyway, so he called me at like four in the morning on Thursday. It wasn’t a number I recognized, but I tried calling him back on my way to school that morning and a girl answered. She introduced herself as Randi.” I can tell Steve knows who I’m talking about as he studies me. “Vada told me she’s Ran’s ex.”
“Yeah. They were together before we moved back to New York about two and a half years ago,” he says cautiously. “What did Vada tell you?”
“Not too much. She said that Randi is older than Ran and she ‘has a reputation.’”
Steve presses his lips together, forming a thin line. “I bet that made you feel great,” he says, an edge to his voice as his nostrils flare.
I huff. “Oh yeah, all the things I wanted to hear while my boyfriend is two thousand miles away from me.”
“I don’t know why Vada would have told you these things. She should’ve known it would freak you out.”
“I mean, I trust Ran,” I say to ward off any impression that I’m a jealous little schoolgirl, and I blink at Steve. “But, yeah, of course I worry a bit. I just wanted to talk to you about it. I guess I’m hoping you’ll ease my mind a little.”
He nods, his jaw set, brow firm. “You know Ran loves you. He’d never do anything to hurt you.”
“I know, but I think I’d feel better, maybe, if I knew a bit more about this Randi girl. What does she look like? Does she really have ‘a reputation?’”
“She does, but…” Steve sighs. “Randi’s about two and a half years older than Ran, so that would make her… fuck… I think she just turned twenty last month. She’s this little thing, or at least she was when I last saw her. Short—maybe five feet, can’t weigh much more than a hundred pounds, long brown hair. She’s definitely pretty,” he says with a one-shouldered shrug. “Her dad was the pastor of my grandparents’ church, and I don’t know if it’s in spite or because of that fact that Randi was kind of a wild child. So, when I say she had a reputation, I don’t necessarily mean she was easy. She had a reputation for being a troublemaker, for running away from home, skipping school, things like that. It’s just… she’d do things that tended to get her in trouble. Be it drinking, stealing, doing drugs, hanging out with boys, or whatever. She was just really outgoing. Great singer. Holy cow does she have an amazing voice.” Steve smiles. “Randi’s just kind of a rebel. And man, when she and Ran were together, they’d constantly sneak out and raise hell. I mean, Ran never really shared with me—he’s too damn private—but let’s just say that the two of them didn’t hang out innocently.” He looks at me meaningfully, and I understand what he’s alluding to.
I nod for him to continue.
“I remember one night they got caught drinking in Randi’s truck. The sheriff brought Ran back to my grandparents’ ranch.” Steve laughs. “Holy shit, my grandma was so upset. He didn’t get into trouble or anything, and I can tell you that Ran definitely did not clean up his act afterwards.” He turns serious. “But what you need to know about Randi is that she has a heart of gold; as crazy as she was, she’s one of the most giving people I know. She puts others before herself, sometimes to her detriment. If she knows you’re with Ran—and I’m sure she does, right?”
I nod again.
“Yeah, then you don’t have anything to worry about. I don’t think she’d put Ran in a situation that could compromise what he has with you. Not that Ran would ever allow himself to be put in a situation like that, but Randi also wouldn’t go there, so you really don’t have anything to worry about, if you ask me.”
“Thank you, Stevie. I feel a lot better.” I move in for a hug, wrapping my arms around his sturdy frame, his lean muscles firm underneath his hoodie. God, so much like Ran, I think to myself like I do each time I hug his older brother.
Steve and I always got along great, but ever since Ronan was in the hospital, fighting to survive even just the night, Steve and I have become even closer. It’s almost like he’s my brother, too. We talk regularly and I almost spend more time at his house than I do even at Vada’s, especially now that my mom and Penny spend so much time together.
“Anytime.” He hugs me in return, his right hand rubbing that spot between my shoulder blades. “Vada shouldn’t have opened her mouth and told you these things in the first place. She doesn’t know Randi or her relationship with Ran. It just wasn’t her place.”
I step out of his hug to look at him. “It’s not a big deal.”
“It kind of is,” he says. “She knows Ran isn’t here to defend himself or clear anything up with you. And she should know that throwing shit like this at you would, understandably, worry you. It’s kind of a shitty thing to do, especially knowing you don’t have the ability to talk to Ran right now. She should’ve given you the chance to ask Ran about it on Sunday rather than talking about something she doesn’t actually know shit about.”
I’m taken aback by how strongly Steve’s reacting to this situation. “Don’t be angry at her,” I say. “I don’t think she meant any harm. She was just sharing information with me.”
“Doesn’t really matter; the outcome’s still the same. It was just a crappy thing to do and not at all helpful to Ran or you, especially right now. Neither of you needs to have anything added to your plates; not Ran, not you. This all is difficult enough,” he says, running his hand across his head, grasping a fistful of his light-brown hair.
“Stevie, are you okay?” I get the feeling there’s an undercurrent of something else; this is not just anger at Vada for blabbing about Ran and his ex. He seems on edge, exhausted, apprehensive.
He sighs, releasing his hair, and his arms fall to his sides. “I’m fine.”
“You know, Ran says that all the time, and in exactly the same tone you just used,” I say, tilting my head to the side, seeking his eye contact. “Especially when he’s not in fact fine.”
Steve’s gaze moves to mine and there’s a deep sadness reflected in the warmth of his cinnamon-brown irises. “I don’t know,” he finally says. “I’ve been watching some of the surveillance with my dad. Not so much the stuff where Ran gets hurt—I can’t bring myself to watch it. I’ve seen maybe a handful of things, and it honestly makes me sick to my stomach.”
“So, what then?” I ask softly.
“It’s just the day-to-day stuff, . You know, I never realized that Ran shouldered basically all the chores. He did everything. And my lazy ass didn’t do shit. I had no idea, . And it drives me fucking crazy. I had no clue what was happening. How did I miss this?” His eyes are full of despair before he buries his face in his hands.
“Stevie, it’s not your fault.”
“How could I be so blind? I mean, I lived in the same house as my mom and Ran this entire time. I spent so much time with Ran. We’re as close as brothers can be and still, I fucking missed it. I saw him do crap around the house all the time—the fucking dishes, the laundry, the cleaning, whatever—but did I ever bother to jump in and help him out? Nope. Did I ever offer to take shit off his hands? Also no. And sometimes I even gave him crap for doing so much. He was like, neurotic about leaving a mess. He’d rinse a glass immediately after using it and put it back in the cabinet instead of leaving it in the sink like I did. He always made sure his crap was put away. He’d, like, erase any trace of his existence. I just thought he was being weird about shit, but now I know he did these things to avoid being hurt. And , you should hear how my mom talked to him. The things she said to him were so vile. I don’t understand why she’d say things like that to him, but never to me. I don’t get it. Why him? Why not me?” he asks, his voice cracking.
I put my hand on Steve’s chest. “It shouldn’t have been either of you,” I say. “You can’t make sense of this. Don’t even try, you’ll just drive yourself mad.”
“I can’t help it. It’s eating me up, . The more I find out about what happened to him, the shittier I feel.”
“Maybe you should talk to someone about it?”
“I’m talking to you,” he says awkwardly.
I can’t help but smile. “I’m really glad you’re talking to me, and you can always come to me, but I meant a professional. I’d say you have something like survivor’s guilt, maybe.”
“How can I have survivor’s guilt when Ran’s still alive?” he asks, a doubtful look on his face.
“Dude, I’m not the professional. But you’re obviously struggling with this, which is understandable. You know there’s no shame in getting help. You don’t have to deal with this all alone.”
“But nothing happened to me. Nothing at all. My mom never hit me. Not once. Ever.”
“You’re wrong though. Something did happen to you. You saw your brother get hurt by your mom. You were there when… when Ran’s heart stopped. You had to do CPR. You thought he was dead…” It’s still really hard to fathom these things and say them out loud. “That’s trauma, Steve!”
“Yeah, maybe,” he says, though I’m not at all convinced he agrees with me.
“What are you guys doing in here?” Vada asks as she saunters into the kitchen with an empty soda can, which she discards in Shane’s recycling bin.
Steve pushes off the counter. “Just chatting about Ran,” he says, and heads to the living room, leaving Vada and me standing in the kitchen.
Vada watches Steve leave, then raises her eyebrows at me questioningly. I only shrug, then follow Steve to the living room where I take a seat next to Tori, hitching both my legs onto the comfortable sofa.
***
We hang out the next couple of hours, watching TV, just enjoying each other’s company, though I can tell Steve is preoccupied, his eyes unfocused. He looks like his mind is a million miles away. Or maybe just two thousand. He hasn’t been his normal self since Ronan left for Montana, or, actually, since Ronan was in the hospital. It’s exceptionally obvious how much he worries about his little brother, just like Shane worries about his best friend, and I worry about the boy I love most in my life.
“Hey, you guys should ask Shane why he rejected the latest roommate candidate last Tuesday,” Tori randomly says into the room during a slow scene.
“Really, babe?” Shane groans, while Tori grins widely.
Zack laughs. “What was wrong with the guy this time?”
Although Shane has been searching for a roommate since he moved into his two-bedroom apartment seven months ago, it seems he’s rather picky as no potential roommate has met his criteria. I get it—choosing a person to share your private space with is not a simple endeavor, but to be honest, the reasons Shane has turned down the various applicants have become more outlandish. At this point, we’ve basically made a game out of guessing Shane’s latest rationale for saying “no” to a potential roomie who would be able to chip in half of the rent for this apartment. In November, for example, Shane rejected a guy because he didn’t like dogs. That was Shane’s explanation. Except Shane doesn’t have a dog, and I don’t think he’s planning on getting one.
“So, picture this,” Tori says. “Twenty-one-year-old junior at Fordham. He studies business marketing. He looks well-groomed. Doesn’t smell or anything. He works two part-time jobs, so I didn’t get the impression he wouldn’t be able to make rent on time or anything. And go!” she tells us like we’re off to the races.
“Alright, let me take a stab at this,” Summer says. “The guy’s beard was too long. Or too short?”
Tori shakes her head, giggling. “Nope. Keep ’em coming,” she says, looking around at us.
“My turn,” Vada says, her head resting against Steve’s shoulder as she lounges on the gray sofa in Shane’s living room. “Ooh, he wears socks with sandals.”
Laughter erupts in the room. Tori falls against Shane, holding her stomach from laughing so hard, and even Shane’s lips quirk upward. He’s such a good sport about us laughing at his expense.
“His favorite color is fuchsia?” Steve asks.
Tori wheezes but shakes her head.
Zack’s hand shoots up. “I got one: his favorite actor is Nicolas Cage,” he says, and is met by an increase in volume of the guffaws. “I mean that would be a good reason.”
Steve gives it another go. “He has a vintage toy collection he’s adamant about displaying in your living room?”
“No, no, he makes puppets out of paper-mache,” Summer says.
At this point Tori’s completely unable to speak, and I have tears streaming down my face.
“Alright, so what was it?” Zack finally asks.
It takes Tori a moment to compose herself. “His name was Brixton,” she says, and promptly dissolves into another fit of laughter.
There’s a stunned silence before a new wave of laughter erupts.
“You turned the guy down because of his name?” Zack asks.
Shane huffs with a shrug. “I didn’t think it was something I could get used to.”
“Oh my god, Shay,” Summer snorts.
“Okay, Shane, if you were able to, like, build yourself the ideal roommate, what exactly would that look like?” Zack asks. “Because, at this point I’m thinking you’ll be living alone forever.”
“Man, I don’t know. It’s just one of those I’ll-know-it-when-I-see-it situations,” Shane says.
Tori and I smile at each other knowingly.
“Shay, you don’t think it would look something like: muscular male, little over six feet tall, dark-blond hair, green eyes, likes hockey. Maybe works at Murphy’s?” I ask Shane, whose face softens visibly as his eyes meet mine.
“Yeah, perhaps first name: Ronan, last name: Soult?” Tori asks.
All six of us look at Shane expectantly.
He seemingly deflates. “Yeah, okay, maybe.”
“Well, why don’t you just have Ran move in with you then?” Vada asks with a duh face.
“Uh, do you see him around anywhere?” Shane asks. “Plus, he’s only seventeen and still in high school. Even if he was here, I don’t think he’d be able to live with me right now.”
Zack shrugs. “Yeah, okay, but he’ll turn eighteen in, like, five months and he’ll be done with high school then, too. Why even bother with the roommate search in the meantime?”
“Because the only reason my parents agreed to subsidize my rent is because I promised them I’d find a roommate. If I don’t at least pretend to be looking for one, they’ll stop paying the other half and I’ll have to come up with all of it on my own.”
“Ohh,” Summer says loudly, like the lightbulb just came on.
Zack chuckles. “And your parents haven’t caught on?”
Shane shakes his head, a wicked grin making its way across his face. “Nope. Not yet.”
“Shit, I like it,” Zack says. “But what if Ran doesn’t want to move in with you in a few months? I’m not saying he won’t, but what’s your backup plan?”
Shane shrugs. “Then I guess I’ll really need to find a roommate, or maybe I’ll downsize.”
“Is the reason you got a two-bedroom apartment in the first place because you were always hoping for Ran to move in with you once you were both done with high school?” I ask Shane, smiling at him. This whole situation—the way Shane’s just biding his time until Ronan’s able to be his roomie—is so damn sweet. They have such a cute bromance.
“Kind of, yeah,” Shane says sheepishly.
“Aww, baby.” Tori sighs and kisses Shane on the cheek.
“Does Ran know all this?” Steve asks, eyebrows raised.
“Uh, I mean, I’ve dropped hints, but I haven’t flat out said anything to him. And I’m not going to bring this up to him now. For now, I’m just going to keep doing what I’m doing until Ran is back and better.”
“Man, speaking of Ran being back and better, you know who hit me up at school yesterday?” Zack asks. “Chloe Mason,” he says, and I once again find myself unable to put a name to a face.
“Let me guess, she asked you about Ran,” Summer says with a knowing nod.
“She sure did,” Zack says. “She wanted to know if it was true that he’s at boarding school in Europe.” Zack snorts a laugh. “I swear, this shit is getting ridiculous.”
“Who’s Chloe Mason?” I ask.
“Just another chick in a long line of girls Ran hooked up with before he met you,” Vada says with an exaggerated eye roll, then sits up a little straighter next to Steve. “You know, I’ve been thinking about it and, in retrospect, it makes total sense that Ran fucked around so much.”
Steve sits up too, his face darkening. “What do you mean?” he asks with an edge to his voice, watching Vada intently. The shift in his mood is palpable, though I’m not sure Vada picks up on it.
“Well, think about it. He was unloved by his mom, so he got what he needed somewhere else, right? I always thought he was just being a typical dude, you know, getting all the pussy, but it’s obviously way more psychological than that.” Vada leans back on the couch. “Textbook mommy issues.”
“Mommy issues?” Steve growls, and everyone falls silent.
“I’m just saying. It would make sense that Ran had so much casual sex because he was seeking love somewhere else. Isn’t that the definition of mommy issues?” Vada asks, flustered now.
“You really need to stop talking about shit you have absolutely no clue about,” Steve says.
“Jeez, baby, why are you agitated?” Vada asks, looking upset.
“Because you keep saying stupid shit,” Steve says against gritted teeth as he stands up from the couch.
“Come on, man,” Shane says, trying to calm him down.
Steve shakes his head. “I’m fucking over it, Vada. I’m over you talking about Ran like you know exactly what goes on in his head. It’s fucking disrespectful and it’s pissing me off.”
Vada gets up off the sofa. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“The fact that you’re trying to psychoanalyze Ran right now; you don’t fucking know why he hooked up. And you don’t know shit about Ran and his ex. What the fuck made you think you should tell that Randi had a reputation? Did you even think about what the fuck that would do to ?”
Vada’s face falls as she looks from Steve to me.
“Stevie, stop,” I say. “I told you it’s not a big deal.”
“Wait, what happened?” Shane asks.
“Apparently Ran broke the rules a few nights ago and called . I guess Ran called from his ex’s phone, I don’t know,” Steve tells Shane, then locks his gaze on Vada. “And Vada decided it was a good idea to tell that Ran’s ex likes to spread her legs.”
“I didn’t say anything like that,” Vada says.
“But you told that Randi has ‘a reputation,’ which is the same damn thing, Vada,” Steve argues.
“Why the fuck would you do that?” Shane asks Vada. He’s been so protective of Ronan, I’m not surprised this turn of events would put him on high alert.
“I wasn’t trying to freak her out; I just wanted to—” Vada stammers.
“It doesn’t really matter what your intentions were, the outcome was the same,” Steve says, his words clipped. “Fuck, you know Ran’s not here. He can’t fucking defend himself.”
“I didn’t mean anything by it,” Vada says. “I didn’t think—”
“Yeah, that’s exactly the fucking problem. You didn’t think,” Steve shouts. “You just saw this as a juicy opportunity to gossip. You didn’t even bother thinking about the consequences. Your words have real impact, Vada. You didn’t think about how would feel if you told her that Ran, who happens to be thousands of miles away, is spending time with a girl who’s ‘easy,’ and you didn’t fucking think about how this makes shit so much harder for both and Ran.” Steve is all-out yelling now.
“I didn’t… I…” Vada chokes, her voice cracking, and the tears begin to spill from her brown eyes.
Steve studies Vada, then seemingly comes to a decision. “I’m gonna go home,” he says, and walks out of the living room.
“What? No, baby, please don’t,” Vada says with a strained sob. She follows Steve into the small hallway where he’s already putting on his jacket.
“Sorry, babe, I shouldn’t have blown up at you,” Steve says, halting in his tracks for a second. He sounds upset, and I know it’s not just about what Vada said. I know there’s a lot more than he’s telling Vada right now.
“It’s okay. It’s fine. We’re fine,” Vada cries. “Please just don’t go!”
“I have to. I need to get my head straight. I’ll call you tomorrow,” he says, and leaves the apartment before Vada can say another word.
***
“Kitty —” Vada says when we’re in her car not an hour later. Not surprisingly, Vada and Steve’s tense interaction put a damper on the mood, and the evening didn’t recover. Once Steve left, Vada retreated into Shane’s bathroom for probably twenty minutes, locking the door behind her. It was Tori who suggested soon thereafter that we should call it a night and allow everyone to get some sleep. Clearly, we needed it.
“Don’t even worry about it,” I interrupt Vada, knowing she’s about to start apologizing to me. She’s told me how sorry she is a handful of times since emerging from Shane’s bathroom, and I’ve repeatedly assured her that I’m fine.
“I just… I really didn’t mean to scare you. I don’t know why I said what I said. I don’t think Ran would cheat on you or anything,” she tells me, her eyes still swollen and red, her face blotchy from her tears.
“And I’m sorry for how the evening turned out. I didn’t mean to tattle on you. I just wanted to talk to Stevie to reassure myself.” I feel guilty for how things ended between Steve and Vada tonight. It wasn’t my intention for Steve to become angry and lash out at Vada. I truly only meant to gather some information, to ease my mind.
“I shouldn’t have even given you a need to talk to Steve about it,” Vada says quietly. “I don’t know what made me say it. I didn’t want to hurt you or make you worry.”
“Vada, I know. I promise, it’s okay.”
She takes a deep breath which stutters in her chest. “Stevie and I… we’re not doing good,” she says, the words coming out forced, like it takes a lot for her to say them out loud, to admit this to herself and me.
“Oh, Vada.” I study her face. The taillights from the car in front of us reflect in her tears; they look like little rivulets of blood making their way down her porcelain skin.
Her bottom lip quivers. “We didn’t go to the movies on Tuesday. He canceled at the last minute. He’s just… I don’t know. We’re fighting so much, and… he’s so… on edge and irritable. The smallest things set him off now. It’s like I can’t do anything right.”
“No, Vada, this has nothing to do with you. I think… I think he’s just really struggling right now,” I say, wishing so badly to ease her heartache.
She shakes her head, the despair carved into her beautiful features. “We haven’t had sex since Christmas.” Fresh tears spill from her tired eyes. “He doesn’t even want to touch me.”
I reach for her forearm, resting my hand there. “Vada, I promise this has nothing to do with you. I think he’s having a really hard time with what happened to Ran and he’s just not coping very well. I told him that maybe he should consider getting some help.”
Vada briefly diverts her gaze from the road to me. “Like… a therapist?”
I nod. “Yeah. I think he has his own trauma he needs to work through, you know? I mean, think about it: he walked in on his own mom beating the life out of his little brother. Literally. He thought his brother died right in his arms. And then it turns out that Ran was being abused for years all while Steve lived in the same house. It happened right under his nose, and he never even knew. That’s trauma, and I imagine a ton of guilt, too.”
A frown settles on her brow. “I never even thought about that. I’m a terrible girlfriend.”
“No, you’re not!”
She sighs, unconvinced. “I wish he’d talk to me, let me know what’s going on in his head.”
I exhale deeply, my chest deflating like a sad birthday balloon. This is a sentiment I share; Ronan didn’t talk to me about the things that obviously deeply affected him either. I don’t know if that’s a guy thing or if it’s unique to the Soult brothers.
“You know how you told me the best thing we can do for Ran right now is to be there for him? Just remind him that he’s loved?” I ask.
Vada nods.
“Maybe that’s all we can do for Stevie right now, too. That and encourage him to get some help.”
“Maybe,” she agrees half-heartedly.
We fall silent, each retreating into the isolation of our own heads, our thoughts and worries. It’s so tough going through something earth-shattering together. On the one hand I share this deep pain with some of my closest friends, and that is an incredible gift. I’m not alone in missing Ronan, in worrying about him. On the other hand, each of us is desperately trying to carry our own atlas stones, struggling with the heaviness of it all, and that makes us reluctant to add more pain, more worry, more burden to each other’s fragile shoulders and, in some respects, leaves us all alone together.