Tuesday, March 15th
Cat
As much as I was originally aggravated by my dad going over my head and setting up this Duke University campus tour with one of his old college friends, I must admit that the trip to North Carolina—and therefore away from New York—couldn’t have come at a better time.
Even though I dreaded seeing my dad and spending five days with him after news broke about my impropriety, the nudes, the… thievery, I’m glad I won’t be in New York right now, especially if there’s a chance Adam is there.
I arrived in Durham just before noon yesterday and was met by my dad in the terminal. We stood and stared at each other awkwardly for a few seconds. My secret is out. The darkest, most shameful parts of me have been exposed, and I was finally forced to face one of the two people whose reaction I’ve dreaded the most. I tried to read the emotion in his eyes, looked for the judgment, the disappointment.
My dad didn’t pull me into his arms, and I briefly wondered if he was disgusted by me now that he knew what I had done. I had willingly exposed myself to a boy and let him take pictures of me like some cheap slut who has no self-respect.
My dad forced a smile, clearing his throat, then looked around for baggage claim.
“I just have my carry-on.” I motioned toward the small weekend bag and my backpack.
“Right. Okay, let’s head to our hotel then, I guess.”
We walked out of the terminal, hailed a cab, and made the twenty-minute drive in near-complete silence, only exchanging banalities about the weather, which admittedly was pretty perfect yesterday. Spring is nothing if not gorgeous in North Carolina.
We checked into our hotel, then whiled away the afternoon without much conversation. The tension between my dad and me was palpable. Neither of us really knew what to say to each other, and honestly, I was afraid to make the first attempt, scared of opening the floodgates and subjecting myself to words that would have made me feel even worse about myself. His eyes were already speaking volumes. I didn’t need his mouth to follow suit.
My dad and I shared a room, which made it impossible to escape his random heavy sighs. I just knew he was working to contain his I-told-you-so speech, though I was certain it was going to happen sooner or later.
Luckily, my dad and I met his college buddy for dinner, and I was spared having to make much conversation other than bringing his friend, Vincent, up to speed on my high school standing and college admissions. He asked about my interests, my extracurricular activities. Vincent obviously heard from my dad that I received an acceptance letter from Duke, and he and my dad spent the next hour and a half talking to me, though mostly to each other, about their experiences at Duke, their classes and various college shenanigans.
***
My dad and I meet Vincent again after breakfast this morning, and my dad warns me to remain open-minded.
“Look, Kitty, I know how this works, okay? I had the butterflies for your mom, too. But I don’t want you to throw away your whole life for some boy,” my dad tells me while we make our way to the campus.
“Ran isn’t just some boy, Dad,” I grumble. “And I’m not throwing away my life for him.”
My dad stops walking, pulling me to an abrupt halt. “Vinny, we’ll be right there,” he says to Vincent, and nods for him to go on before he squares his shoulders and directs his gaze at me. “You owe it to yourself and your family to take this tour and your acceptance into Duke seriously, Cat. You need to stop letting others guide you. You have to stop letting boys dictate what you do,” he grunts. “You have clearly lost your way, Kitty, and I’d appreciate it if you were a little more grateful.”
He marches away from me, leaving me dumbfounded, even angered. The irony of his words is not lost on me. I need to stop letting others guide me? Stop letting boys dictate what I do? Isn’t he trying to do exactly that right now?
I take a breath, then another, and finally go to catch up with my dad and Vincent to embark on this tour.
We spend the next couple of hours wandering around the campus, and the longer we’re here, the louder the battle becomes in my head. This university is beautiful, absolutely stunning. And everyone Vincent introduces me to is incredibly nice. We even sneak into one of the lecture halls, quietly take a seat, and listen to fifteen minutes of a lecture on geopolitics.
My dad and Vincent show me the dorms and talk to me about life on campus before we stop by the enormous Duke University football stadium and, of course, the beautiful chapel.
“And? What do you think, Cat?” Vincent asks me, his hands on his hips as we near the end of the tour. “Can you see yourself attending Duke come fall?”
I feel my dad’s expectant gaze on me as I nod reluctantly. “Yeah. It’s… it’s definitely beautiful here. I’m going to have to weigh my options.”
“I don’t know what there is to weigh, but okay,” my dad chuckles.
I didn’t make my prior statement in jest. As far as I’m concerned my decision is far from made, and I’m actually feeling heavy-hearted at how incredible this school is. A big part of me had hoped I’d hate it here because then I wouldn’t have to stew, and think, and figure out where to spend the next four years of my life, and with whom.