Chapter 30
DEVON
“Devon? Is that you?” Jack’s voice had me glancing up from my burger, fries, and milkshake.
“Coach Showalter? What are you doing here?” No one was near us, but I was still going to put on the best performance I could. “Oh, you’ve got food. Do you want to join me?”
“Sure.” He eased into the seat across from me. “I didn’t realize this burger chain had a restaurant right on the ferry. I must’ve missed that going over.”
“Mmm.” I pointed to my plate. “I love mushrooms. With Swiss cheese and this special sauce? It’s divine.”
“Ah. I’m having a barbecue sauce concoction. I’m looking forward to it. Their fries are amazing.” He grinned.
Even I could see the smile was tight and uncomfortable.
Our gazes held.
We were traveling from Nanaimo back to West Vancouver on a Monday, so the ferry wasn’t as busy as it might’ve been on a Friday or a weekend day. Apparently, weekend trips could be full.
I blinked. “So, where were you?”
“Oh. A cabin in Tofino. Watching the winter surfers and walking on the beach.”
“Really?” I put on my best astonished face. “I was there as well. I can’t believe we didn’t run into each other.”
He shrugged as he opened a ketchup packet and put some on his fries. Then he added vinegar.
Even from a distance, I tasted it. Not my favorite.
He spoke. “I didn’t leave the place I rented. I was focused on watching the All-Star game as well as watching our team footage.”
“Oh man, that sucks. You take a vacation and you’re watching us skate?”
He arched an eyebrow.
Shit, am I laying it on too thick?
“I’m always thinking about the team, Devon. That’s how we’re going to get out of our slump and make a run for the playoffs.”
I winced.
He cocked his head.
I shrugged. “I really want to make the playoffs. I do. But I feel like…we’re not quite there yet.”
“That’s true. I see your point. But if we can just get the team motivated.” He waved his hand. “And here I am—talking shop. We should finish eating and then go out on the deck. The view is amazing.”
“It’s weird that we’re between the island and the mainland and so this is still the ocean.”
He nodded as he picked up his burger. “The expansiveness was more palpable in Tofino.” He took a huge bite.
I popped a naked fry into my mouth. Once I’d swallowed, I nodded. “Like you look out from the beach and you think, like Hawaii, Japan, and, like, all those other places are on the other side of the world.”
“New Zealand and Australia are on my bucket list.” Jack wiped his mouth with a napkin. “But there’s not much call for a hockey coach there.”
“Well, you could go just for fun.”
He stilled. “What makes you think I ever have fun?” Then he waggled his eyebrows.
“Oh, I figure you have some downtime at some point. A few weeks off before the season. Do you have somewhere to go? Home somewhere?”
He shook his head. “My parents are gone. My ex is a jerk. I didn’t leave anyone behind. You?”
I also shook my head. “I have a friend back in Toronto, but I’m trying to talk him into visiting me out here. There’s a club I want to take him to.” This time, I waggled my eyebrows.
Jack’s eyes widened. “Oh?”
“Yeah. I did some online research, and spoke to some of the members.” I leaned forward.
“They have private rooms.” After I’d whispered the words, I sat back.
This time, I took a bite of my burger. The mushrooms were positively amazing.
If eating like this was healthier, I’d consume these every day. Might get a little expensive, though.
“Sounds like somewhere you might get into mischief.” He held up a fry coated in vinegar. Again, I tasted it without actually having it in my mouth. “You know better than to get into trouble.”
We were still, amazingly, alone in our little corner of the eating area. “Nothing wrong with a little good trouble. Maybe—” He swallowed. “If I join, I’m allowed to bring guests. Masks allowed.”
He swallowed with his throat working. He closed his eyes for a long moment. “I can’t. Even as a guest. As a friend of a friend. Lines might be crossed. Things might happen that can’t be taken back.”
Fuck, we just spent six days that we can’t take back.
That I don’t want to take back. If we went to the kink club, with masks, and played in a private room— I blinked.
Yeah. He’s right. This is a superbad idea.
We agreed our goodbye this morning was the real deal.
Except I’d spent my time in the ferry lineup on the island researching this amazing club in Vancouver.
Playing there wouldn’t be the same as a full-time relationship…
but it would be something. Which was more than we had right now.
By mutual agreement. “Just…think about it.”
“Sure.” Said with a finality that let me know he wasn’t going to take me up on my suggestion.
He’s right. It’ll be too hard. Seeing him, touching him…but knowing that’s all it can ever be. I cleared my throat. “You talk to Amy?”
Jack shook his head. “I told her to take some serious time off. Knowing her, though, she was watching game footage. You talk to anyone?”
“Just Lous. He went to San Francisco with Claus and Pells. Pells was a last minute addition, though. He just sort of invited himself.” Pells, as our second pair left defenseman, had a habit of insinuating himself.
As a French Canadian, he had exactly zero fear and even less shame.
He strutted around the change room like he owned the fucking world.
“So Lous and Claus were going to California alone and Pells invited himself? Well, that’s interesting.” Jack sipped his drink. While I had a chocolate milkshake, I wasn’t certain what he was drinking. Looked like cola or something.
“What is?” I poked at my cooling fries, trying to figure out how hungry I was.
Sitting with Jack was torture—I wanted to reach out and touch him.
I couldn’t, of course. But that didn’t ease the yearning.
And I wanted to tell him what he meant to me.
How I wanted us to be together so much that, in my darkest moments, I was considering giving up hockey.
Which was fucking insane. I’d spent my whole life getting where I was. I was a breath away from the big leagues. Making my mother proud was all that mattered.
My gut clenched. Except she also would’ve wanted me to be happy. If Jack made me happier than hockey…?
Nope. Wasn’t going to go there. I had a season to finish. A team to coax into actually, well, winning games. I could do that. I had to do that. To fantasize about an idyllic life with Jack was unfair to both of us.
“Lous and Claus.” Jack waved me off. “Nothing. I just didn’t realize they were that close. And San Fran?”
“Touristy things? Nice blue state. Not as hot as Mexico or other places. Close enough that the flight isn’t too long.” I shrugged. “I might go one time. Maybe I can get Claus and Lous to come with me.”
“You’re interested in them?” Jack’s voice was tight.
I cocked my head. “They’re not…or are they?”
He shrugged. But his eyes betrayed the pain.
I wanted to demand if he was jealous. To point out the ridiculousness of it. Even if Lous and/or Claus were gay, I wasn’t going to make a move on a teammate. Not with the man I loved a foot away.
Yeah, I fucking loved Jack. I could no longer deny it. As he sat across the table from me, with his endearing brown eyes, I could admit defeat. And as long as I loved him, I wasn’t going to be with anyone else.
So you’re going to be alone until you retire? Or until one of you gets traded or moved to another city? Then you might be allowed, but what? Long distance relationship? And who the fuck says he’d wait for you?
Ouch.
True.
But ouch.
“I’m not, you know…with either Lous or Claus or anyone else. I’m not built like that.” We were still completely—and inexplicably—alone.
“Like what?” He glanced around. “You’re gay.”
“Yeah. But I don’t—” Shit.
“Don’t what?” His brow furrowed.
Go after someone when I’m in love with someone else. “Teammates, Jack. Too tricky.” I took a huge bite of my burger—hoping he’d take the hint.
He did.
We ate the rest of our meal in silence. When we were done, we put our wrappers in the recycling and our trays on the pile of dirty ones. Then we headed out to the deck.
Bracing. That was the only word I could use to describe the weather as we stood by the railing. A bitter wind off the ocean plus the forward motion of the ferry created quite a combination of cold. My hair whipped in the breeze as I huddled into my coat.
“You should be wearing a hat.” Jack glared.
“Okay…Mom…” I rolled my eyes. “You’re not wearing one.” In that moment, though, I stopped. I’d made a mom joke. I never made mom jokes—the pain was always too raw. Too close to the surface. Even after thirteen years. My gut clenched and my eyes stung with unshed tears.
“What is it?” Jack moved closer. “What happened?”
“Nothing.” I sort of bit out the word.
“Bullshit. That wasn’t nothing.” He stepped right up to me. We were the only two souls crazy enough to brave the freezing weather. And now the rain had started.
“We should go inside.” I had to try.
Jack shook his head. “Not until you tell me—”
“You don’t have the right to demand that, Jack. You don’t own me. You’re nothing to me.”
He stepped back as if I’d slapped him. I wanted to take the words back the instant they left my mouth. I didn’t mean them. He was everything to me. And although I was the Dominant in this relationship, he owned me. Heart and soul.
“I wasn’t trying…” He pressed his fingers to his mouth. He drew in a breath even as the rain lashed us.
“I know you weren’t.” This time, I took a breath.
“I was thinking about my mother. How proud she would be to see me play for Abbotsford. How she wanted me to succeed. How I’m a breath away from the big leagues, and if we do this”—I gestured between the two of us—“then everything will be fucked up. I’ll have to leave the game.
Or you’ll leave and resent me for it. Or we continue in secret and—”
“Gentlemen?”
We turned to find a BC Ferry employee squinting at us, wearing a rain slicker. “It’s not safe to be on deck. Would you mind coming back inside?”
My phone, in my back pocket, buzzed with an incoming text. “Yeah, of course. Sorry we made you come out here to get us. We were silly to be out here.” And now, soaking wet to boot.
Jack nodded, and we followed the employee inside.
I tried to brush off the worst of the wet, but my wool coat was in no way waterproof. Finally giving up, I yanked the coat off and tossed it on the nearest empty seat. Then I grabbed the hem of my sweatshirt and tried to dry my hair.
My phone, in my back pocket, buzzed again. I’d completely forgotten about it. I yanked it out. I frowned. Then turned to Jack. “Why is Emil texting me?”
He frowned. “I don’t know. He texted me as well. He wants me in his office at five.” He glanced at his watch. “It’s going to be tight, but as long as rush hour traffic from Vancouver to Abbotsford isn’t too heavy, I should make it.”
“He wants to see me at five-thirty.”
Our gazes clashed.
“Fuck.”
We said the word at the exact same time.