Chapter 19 Elanie
Another week slipped by like sand through my fingers.
I’d never had much time for contemplation before.
Now that I did, my appetite for it was insatiable.
I indulged in thought, spending hours calculating the risks of staying in this cave, taking the likelihood of injury, malnutrition, resource depletion, even death, and dividing it by the effortlessness of my breath, the way my shoulders hung loosely now, how Sem’s laughter echoing off the cave walls had become my favorite sound.
I manipulated variables, conducted philosophical experiments, all to reach some solution that would prove that we could stay here.
That it could just be us in this cave, on this planet.
Just us telling stories around the fire, dining on foot-eels and the strange multi-tentacled invertebrates he’d found clinging to the shoreline.
Just us curling up together while we slept, which we did every night now.
I hadn’t had another dream about him, even though I’d begged my REM matrix to reproduce them every night.
But two days ago, and then again this morning, I’d woken with his penis hard against me.
Both times I pretended to still be asleep, spending long minutes wondering why I wanted to push back into him so badly.
Why I wanted to roll over and touch him.
Slip my hand down the front of his boxers and feel him.
I wondered what we could become if we had more time here.
If we had forever. I wanted that. Stars, I wanted forever here with him. But all he wanted to do was go home.
The solution to my calculations, once it finally revealed itself, was so obvious I was furious with myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Even though Sem was frustrated with his lack of progress in fixing the comms, even though he’d spent hours every night tinkering with it and scowling at it while he raked his hands through his hair, I knew that returning to the ship wouldn’t be our salvation.
Because it was what held us back. It was what kept us apart when it seemed so obvious to me that we should be together.
If there was no way to reach the ship, then there would be nothing left to do but settle in here. That was my solution: the comms had to go. It was easy too. Just a quick stomp and a little toss…all the way across the lake.
He’d be upset with me, but he’d understand when I explained it to him.
In time, he’d even thank me for making such a brave and thoughtful decision, for letting us continue to live like this, happy and free and together.
For letting us be more than we could ever be on the ship.
And while I waited for him to return from gathering wood, I wondered what this feeling stirring inside me was, this giddiness and lightness and warmth. I thought it might be happiness.
Pacing back and forth in my safe corner of the cave, I swiped a hand over my forehead, my fingers coming back slick with sweat.
It was the fire. Too hot. That had to go too, so I snuffed it out, covering the smoldering wood with dirt.
My eyes burned, my vision blurring. Probably the smoke, the dust in the cave.
I needed fresh air. I couldn’t breathe. I needed—
His feet crunched through the snow, and I wheeled toward the cave mouth, a smile flashing across my face.
I knew the slightly asymmetrical rhythm of his steps as well as the beat of my own heart now.
I knew every inch of his skin, every wrinkle and freckle and smooth line of muscle.
I knew that he laughed in his sleep. I knew he liked sunrises better than sunsets.
I knew that he stared at me when he thought I wasn’t looking, and sometimes when he knew I was.
Yes. This was happiness. He’d understand, because he was happy here too. I knew he was.
Ducking into the cave, he dropped an armload of tree branches to the ground then brushed his hands off on his pants. When he looked up and winked at me, I felt it like a ray of sunshine heating my skin, my blood.
“Hey, you,” he said. Then all his bright amusement dimmed. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing’s going on.” Unable to stand still, I paced again, waiting for him to start separating the larger branches from the smaller ones like he always did.
His breath made a cloud in the air. “It’s freezing in here. Aren’t you cold?” he asked as a vertical line sank between his silver brows. “Did you put the fire out?”
“Do you ever think about the future?” I wiped more sweat from my brow, my hands trembling, my bones feeling brittle.
“Sure, all the time. Like, what are we going to eat tonight? Or tomorrow? Or the day after that?” Glancing back over his shoulder, he sighed at the lake.
“I’m not sure how much longer I can keep nearly freezing to death to catch foot-eels.
Have you noticed how it’s taking me longer and longer to warm up? That’s probably not good.”
He wasn’t getting it. He didn’t understand. I needed to try harder. “I mean, do you ever think about our purpose? What it all means?”
He gave me the sideways grin that always made tiny bubbles fizz inside my chest. “Having some deep thoughts today?”
I loved that grin, wanted to paint it, build a snow sculpture of it. I wanted to trace my fingertips over the curve of his lips, curl up inside the little dimple in his cheek and stay there forever. I shivered. My throat tickled, making me cough.
“You are cold,” he said while I squeezed the back of my neck, massaging the sudden sharp pain spreading into my temples. “You’ve been working too hard to warm me up. I knew I’d end up draining you. Let me get the fire going again.”
Why didn’t he understand what I was trying to say, how important it was? “Why do you think we’re here, Sem?”
“Well,” he said, kneeling on the ground while he spun a stick in his hands, trying to get the ember to spark.
“You heard a voice and went a little wonky—no offense—and then we more or less stole a LunaCorp escape shuttle. I wonder if they’ll make us pay for it when we get back. Saints, can you imagine the bill?”
“But that’s my point.” I rolled my neck until it cracked, which only made me dizzy. “What does a bill matter? What does LunaCorp matter? I mean, why does any of it matter to us anymore?”
He snorted. “I guess it doesn’t. Not right now anyway.”
Dropping to my knees in front of him, I said, “Exactly. What matters, Sem? What matters to you right now?”
“Right now? That’s easy: food, water, heat, and getting back to the ship.”
“The ship.” I gave a disdainful huff. “It’s always about the ship.
What about this cave? This planet? Something brought us here for a reason.
Something wanted us to come here. Guided us.
” I mimicked the actions of a puppeteer, my fingers dancing over the dirt.
“We’re like marionettes, being led, pushed and pulled, brought together and—” I gasped, grasping his shirt in both hands. “The voice! He’s the puppeteer.”
“Elanie.” Sem’s expression shifted, sinking into strong angles and concerned lines. “Are you all right?”
Releasing him, I said, “I don’t want to leave this cave.”
“Thank the Saints.” He blew out a breath. “I thought for a second you were—”
“Ever,” I stated.
“No worries there.” Huffing a laugh, he shook his head, still not taking me seriously. “If I can’t get the damn comms to work, we won’t be going anywhere.”
“Yes!” Maybe he did understand. “That’s why I had to get rid of it.”
He blinked at me, his long silver lashes feathering over his cheeks. “Get rid of what?”
“The comms.”
“What?”
“I got rid of the comms. Destroyed them. For you.”
His eyes went comically wide as he searched the cave, frantic.
“It’s not here, Sem,” I said while he flipped over rocks and scattered sticks. “It’s gone.”
If thunder could assume physical form, it would look like his narrowed eyes, the tight furrow of his brow when he asked, “Why in hells would you do that?”
“You’re not happy.” I knew this would happen, was prepared for it. “It’s okay. You’ll understand soon.”
Rising to his feet like a tidal wave, he glared down at me. “Elanie, please tell me you did not sabotage our only chance of getting off this rock. Please tell me you’re just practicing your jokes again.”
My processing was slow, bogged down and stuttering. But it finally sank in. He wasn’t just unhappy, he was angry. At me. Hurt lanced through my body, piercing my chest and twisting, making my head pound and my stomach roil.
“You don’t want to be with me?” I stood, turned around, and buried my face in my hands. Tears burned my eyes. “I knew you didn’t like me.”
“What the fuck is happening?” he whispered. Not to me, but to himself, I thought.
“I want to stay here.” I groaned into my palms as nausea buckled my knees and acid rose into my throat. “With you. But I guess you don’t feel the same.”
“Look at me.” His tone was sharp, too loud, each word ricocheting between my ears. “Elanie, look at me.”
“No,” I cried. “You go look at yourself.” Another shiver ran through me, shaking my bones until they ached. “I thought you were different, but you’re not. You’re just like the rest of them. Just like Blake. It’s always about what you want, what you need. It’s never about me.”
“Fuck.” Another whisper, right behind me. Then, softly, gently, “I’m sorry, Elanie. You’re right. I didn’t mean to shout at you.”
“But you’re angry with me. I can tell.”
His breath hit my neck, a cool, soothing breeze over my skin. “I was just surprised,” he said. “I’m not angry with you.”
When I turned around, he was right there in front of me, that handsome face I’d memorized every nuance of, his beautiful blue body close enough to touch. “Do you promise?”
His eyes roved over my face, studying me, mapping me.
He was so close, his lips so full and perfect.
I wanted to kiss him. I’d wanted to kiss him from the first day I’d met him, when his touch had been the softest thing I’d ever felt.
But when I leaned toward him, his long fingers curled around my arms, holding me back.
“Saints, Elanie,” he hissed, letting me go to place the back of his hand against my forehead. “You’re burning up.”
“It’s you,” I told him, my eyelids weighed down by the gravity of the planet as it seemed to double. “Whenever you’re this close to me, it makes me feel—”
“Shh. It’s going to be okay. You’re going to be fine.” He tucked me under his arm and marched me toward the cave mouth. “We just need to get you outside.”
“But the voices,” I protested weakly, my joints grinding with each step.
“You’re sick. You have a fever. We need to cool you off.”
“Bionics don’t get sick,” I insisted. “We don’t get fevers.”
“Tell that to your core temp.”
Once we were outside, he made me sit in the snow. It steamed where it touched my skin, tiny clouds of mist rising around me.
“Run a systems scan.” He scooped up handfuls of snow and brushed the freezing crystals over my arms. They made a hissing sound as they melted, icy water dripping down my elbows and wrists. When he gathered my hair off my neck and cupped a snowy hand against my nape, I nearly wept.
“That feels so good.”
“Run a systems scan.” It was a plea this time as he cupped another handful of snow against my throat. “Please, sweetheart. Do it for me.”
Sweetheart. Had there ever been a more perfect word? Uttered by a more perfect being? I wanted him to say it again. Instead, he begged, “Elanie, please.”
The scan lagged, so slow I wondered if something was draining my power. Eventually it revealed twenty-two still-silenced alarms. Temperature abnormalities, pain thresholds reached and exceeded, cognitive malfunctions, synaptic failure. “Something’s wrong. My systems…”
He cupped my cheeks with his frozen hands, and I couldn’t decide whether to lean into his right palm or his left. The cool relief was transcendent.
It’s time, Elanie. The voice slithered into my mind, coiling around me like a snake. You’re sick because you’re not with us. We can make you well again. You need us, and we need you. Come to us. Come home.
I inhaled sharply, meeting Sem’s stare.
“What?” He gripped my shoulders. “What is it?”
“It’s him.”
He bit down, those beautiful jaw muscles flickering. “What did he say?”
“He said he can make me well again. That I’m sick because I’m not with them.” My chin fell to my chest, and I couldn’t lift it back up. “What’s happening to me?”
“Where?” Sem’s grip on me tightened. “Where does he want you to go?”
Closing my eyes, I felt for the voice, for the pull. Then, with a trembling finger, I pointed south.
“Stay here.” He raced back into the cave, emerging thirty seconds later with our satchel slung over his shoulder. Then he picked me up, hoisted me into his arms, and started walking.