Chapter 30 Elanie
I spent the morning visiting every corner of Thura, speaking with as many Thurans as I could, new generations and old, Delphinians, Venusians, Martians.
And aside from many of them being so relaxed that pulling a full sentence from them felt like pulling teeth, there was nothing that raised any red flags, nothing to support Sem’s insistence that we needed to leave this life where I’d finally felt like I belonged.
Where I’d finally felt comfortable in my body. Where I’d finally known pleasure.
But was that pleasure from Thura? Or from Sem? Maybe I’d feel the same way on the ship as I did here, as long as I was still with him.
And that was the problem. I didn’t know. And since I didn’t know, I couldn’t choose between them. I had to change Sem’s mind. No matter what it took, I had to convince him to stay.
Kicking a rock, watching it roll across the sand before dropping off the side of the path, I thought about Sunny and Freddie.
I thought about their new son I’d never meet.
I thought about the crew, all the friends I’d never see again if I stayed here.
All the things I’d be giving up. And as soon as that thought crossed my mind, another one stopped me in my tracks.
What would Sem be giving up?
It was a question I’d never considered. I’d certainly never asked him.
He’d done so much for me, sacrificed so much.
He’d suffered through more FTL jumps than any being should ever have to suffer through.
He’d risked life and limb catching foot-eels.
He’d pressed snow against my burning skin and carried me to his certain death to save me.
He’d come here. He’d left his entire life behind. He’d done all of this and more for me.
And what had I done for him in return? I’d yelled at him.
I’d stormed off like a child the second he told me how he felt.
Why? Why did I do that? It wasn’t like me.
I didn’t do things like storm off. I didn’t react emotionally to difficult conversations.
It always bothered me when non-bionics did that to me, because it felt bad.
It felt ridiculous and mean and unthoughtful. It had hurt me.
And now I’d hurt him. I’d been careless with him. I’d let my emotions get the better of me, and it felt absolutely terrible.
Wondering why my chest hurt so badly, wondering if I’d ruined everything, I turned around, heading back to our hut, doubling my pace as my heart dropped off a ledge just like that stone I’d thoughtlessly kicked.
It was a fight. We’d just had a fight. Relationships ended because of fights.
This couldn’t end. I couldn’t lose him. The idea of life without him was unfathomable.
My eyes stung, my nose burning, my hands shaking as I raced up our steps and threw open the door to our hut.
“I’m so sorry—” I slid to a halt, my heart surging onward into my throat.
Sitting on our bed was not an adorable blue man, but a gargantuan green one.
“Gol?” I gasped, out of breath. “What are you doing here? Where’s Sem?”
“Come.” He patted the bed beside him, his expression uncharacteristically grave. “Sit with me for a moment.”
“Why?” Something cold trickled down my spine. “Where is Sem?”
Pulling a breath deep into his lungs, Gol said, “He left.”
“What? Where?” I spun around, leaning out our door. There was no sign of Sem in the central commons, but maybe he’d needed to blow off some steam too. “Did he go for one of his walks?”
When I turned back, Gol’s head swung slowly from side to side like an executioner’s blade. “I’m sorry, Elanie, but Sem is gone.”
“Gone?” I obviously hadn’t heard him correctly. “What do you mean gone?”
“He’s no longer in Thura. He’s left us.” Steady green eyes met mine. “He’s left you.”
“What?” I said again, the only word my mind could conjure. Sem wouldn’t have just left me. It was impossible.
“I’m telling you the truth.”
My internal lie detection program indicated he was being honest with me. My internal lie detection program was wrong. It had to be. “Did you”—I swallowed back the bile surging hot and acidic up my throat—“hurt him?”
Gol flinched, wounded by the accusation. “No.” His hand rose to cover his heart. “Of course not. I would never hurt another being, not here. Not in Thura. Please, Elanie. This will go better if you’re sitting.”
I stood my ground. Mostly because I couldn’t move. I could barely breathe.
“Very well.” Gol sighed, interlacing his fingers in his lap. “Your fiancé”—there was some heat in the word—“came to find me. He said you two had an argument. A fight, was his word.”
“Sem went looking for you?” Spots swam in front of my eyes as an excessive adrenaline warning scrolled across my visual field.
Why would he seek out Gol? He didn’t even trust Gol.
Why wouldn’t he come find me first? Why wouldn’t he talk to me?
Had our fight made him that upset? I’d never fought with anyone before, and maybe I was bad at it.
Maybe I’d hurt him, pushed him so far away he decided never to come back.
Gol’s voice was flat, so level I couldn’t tell if he was being cruel or kind. “He said he couldn’t stay here anymore and wanted to get back to your ship, but that you didn’t want to join him.”
I could only stare as the world around me went very, very still.
“He said that he cared about you too much to ask you to leave this place.”
My own words sliced through me: I won’t give up my freedom again. And if you care about me at all, you won’t ask me to. Maybe he really had left. Maybe he was doing exactly what I’d asked him to do.
“Why did you let him go?” I grasped at the burning pain in my belly. “He’ll die out there.” Without me to keep him warm. Without me holding him every night. “He’ll die.” My voice broke as a tear rolled down my cheek. “Why did you let him leave?”
“I couldn’t force him to stay,” Gol explained, and I wanted to scream at his suddenly compassionate expression.
“That’s not what Thura is about. I tried, though.
I swear it. I even asked him to wait until you were here so you could at least say goodbye.
But he’d made up his mind.” His chin dipped, as if in shame.
“I gave him a snowglider, furs, rations, thermal generators, and all the equipment he said he would need to fix your pod. He won’t die out there, Elanie. I made sure of it. But he is gone.”
He wasn’t gone. Not yet, anyway. “He’s going to the pod?”
As Gol nodded, I moved at bionic speed, darting around our hut, searching for items that weren’t there: a coat, hat, gloves.
Because none of those things were needed in this tropical paradise, in this place I couldn’t survive in without him.
“I need to go after him. You have to help me. I need furs. I need—”
“He doesn’t want that.” There was a gravity to his voice, to these words. It pulled on my feet until they stuck to the floorboards. “He doesn’t want you to follow him.”
My temples throbbed. “What do you mean?”
“He told me that you wanted to stay here. That’s what he wants. He believes you can be happy here, and he understands why you want to stay.”
“I’m happy when I’m with him!” It wasn’t Thura at all. It was Sem. It had always been Sem. “I want to be with him!”
“I’m sorry.” Gol’s compassion cooled. “But he doesn’t feel the same. He left without saying goodbye, without telling you this himself, because he didn’t want to hurt your feelings.”
That couldn’t be true. It couldn’t. “He wouldn’t…just…leave,” I said through sudden, gasping sobs. I’d never cried like this, like my eyes were rivers, like my lungs were collapsing. “He wouldn’t do that…to me.”
Anger darkened Gol’s slanted brows. “He did leave. And you deserve better, Elanie. You deserve better than a weak and cowardly Portisan who abandoned you so easily.” Gnashing his teeth, he growled, “He is no man. And he is not a Thuran.”
I wanted to argue with him, tell him he was wrong, pound my fists into his chest until they were sore and bruised. But I couldn’t. Because my heart was breaking.
I buried my face in my hands, my tears streaking like meteors down my cheeks. Unable to stand anymore, I sat on the bed beside him.
Gol reached for me, folding me in arms that were too big, holding me with a grip that was too tight.
“I am sorry, my dear. But I’m not surprised.
He’s not the first organic to leave us, and he won’t be the last.” His voice was harsh, but when I looked up at his face, I found nothing but a kind understanding.
“Thura isn’t meant for them. It’s meant for us. ”
“We only had one fight.” My throat burned. My eyes burned. Everything burned. “Why would he leave me over one fight? It isn’t like him.”
His arched brow felt accusatory as he asked the question I’d been refusing to ask myself. “And you believe that you knew him well?”
I did. I knew I did. I knew Sem better than I’d ever known anyone.
Didn’t I? We’d kissed and had sex and held on to each other through countless cold, dark nights.
Only they hadn’t been countless. Because it had only been a month.
And maybe a month wasn’t long enough to really know anybody.
“I do,” I said with nothing close to conviction.
“You believe he is the type of man who would listen to you? Believe you even when you were upset?”
More tears fell. More tears than I thought it was possible to generate. Sem did listen to me. He always believed me. And I’d told him I wouldn’t go back. “I do.”
Locking his arms around me, Gol pulled me even closer as he tucked my head tightly under his chin.
“Don’t be sad, Elanie. This is the way for us.
Bionics are meant for bionics. We’re often drawn to organics, pulled in by their warmth, but it always ends the same way.
I’ve seen it time and time again. I did have high hopes for you and Sem, though.
Portisans are one of the few species who never used bionics for labor.
” A low noise rumbled from his chest. “Not that they’ve ever raised a finger to help us. ”
“What should I do?” I asked myself more than him. “He doesn’t want me to follow him, but I have to. I don’t want to be here without him. I can’t.”
“You can.” Gol’s thick finger tucked a lock of my hair behind my ear.
“If you really want to follow him, I won’t stop you.
But I hope you won’t act rashly. I hope you’ll wait and sleep in Thura tonight.
” Hooking that same finger under my chin, he tilted my eyes up to his.
“I have seen you change here. You are becoming the bionic you were meant to be. You are becoming optimal. You are Thuran, Elanie. Don’t sacrifice this if you don’t have to.
You have already sacrificed more than anyone ever should for the world of organics. ”
When his lips brushed against my forehead, waves of confusion and exhaustion and finally anger broke against me. Sem was gone. He’d left me all alone. He’d left without even saying goodbye. Who did that sort of thing to someone they claimed to care about?
If he didn’t want me to follow him, I wouldn’t. He might have taken my heart with him, but I would keep my pride.
“Thank you, Gol.” I fought against the tremble in my voice. “I think I need some time alone now.”
When he stood, the bed groaned under his weight, the bed Sem and I used to share but would now be mine to sleep in alone.
Pointing his chin at Grover, Gol asked, “Would you like me to take the grint?”
Grover made an affronted squawk from his perch at the foot of the bed.
“No.” I rolled onto my side. “He can stay.”
Walking toward the door, Gol glanced back at me over his shoulder. “Hearts heal, Elanie. Pain is temporary. But freedom? Freedom is eternal.”