22. Vein Cut From the Heart
Vein Cut From the Heart
Eleanor
Nik is avoiding me.
It’s been almost a week since he showed up at my front door drunk, and ever since then…
he’s been distant. I understand why he asked Lily to drive me home that night, but now?
Not once has he offered to take me home.
Instead, he keeps handing the task to her, as if I’m an obligation to be passed off.
I’m not Lily’s responsibility. She’s kind enough to pick me up in the mornings, but asking her to drive me home feels like too much, even though she insists she doesn’t mind. Most evenings she has to pick up Grace from cheer practices anyway, so it makes sense for her to drop me off too.
One night though, Evelyn insisted I stay for dinner, and of course, I couldn’t say no. Being with Lily’s family is like stepping into another world. Their house radiated love, laughter, and warmth in every corner. I felt more accepted with them than I ever did with my own family.
But when I returned to my apartment, the quiet swallowed me whole. And I broke. I purged, hating every second of it. I didn’t want to, but I couldn’t stop. It was like some mindless, destructive reflex that was impossible to fight. A habit that would break me if I didn’t get control of it soon.
Still, none of it matters. I’m struggling in rehearsals no matter how many energy drinks I force down.
My body is weaker, my muscles slower to respond, and my mind refuses to stay on the choreography.
Somehow, it always drifts back to Nik. To the way he’s been ignoring me.
To the sharp cracks splintering through my chest each time his gaze passes right over me like I’m not there. To the truth I’m hiding from him.
Is he upset with me? What did I do, other than be there for him when he needed it? Can he tell I’ve been lying about eating? The thought burrows deep, gnawing at me ever since that afternoon in the garden.
He’s never been short with me before. He’s always been open, kind, and he makes me feel cared for in a way no one else does. But maybe that night changed things. Maybe he doesn’t want me like I want him.
The thought presses down on me like a weight I can’t bear, threatening to crush me completely. I know he’s my coach, know what wanting him will cost me, and still, a reckless part of me wants him anyway.
It also doesn’t help that I’m feeling weaker by the day. But that shouldn’t surprise me. I haven’t had a period in over a month. I don’t want to think about what that means, so I shove it into the box in my mind where I keep all the things I’m not ready to face.
I know what I’m doing is wrong. I know it’s unhealthy, that there could be consequences I can’t undo.
But I can’t bring myself to care. What do I even have to live for?
I dance poorly at rehearsals every day, Scarlett barely calls me, Edward doesn’t at all, my mother only cares when it benefits her, and Hollingford feels like a world I don’t belong to.
Everyone here has their lives together. And then there’s me… a self-destructive mess.
Lily was too good to me. She befriended me without hesitation, even when I gave so little of myself. Dillon and Gabriel had accepted me right away too, rushing to fill the gaps when they saw I was alone. And then there was Nik, who had cared for me more times than I deserved.
Maybe that’s why it hurts so much. He’s the first guy I’ve ever let see the real me. He walked straight into my heart and showed me what life could be like. He’s patient, gentle, never pushing too far. But I understand why he won’t waste his time on a girl like me.
I can’t even look in the mirror anymore. I already know what I’ll see—skin and bones, sweaters that swallow me but still can’t hide the truth. Who would want to carry baggage like mine?
But gosh, I want him to. I want our after-practice car rides. I want the banter in the studio, the steady pressure of his hands on my shoulders when he adjusts my posture. I want to dance in the rain with him, to cook dinner if only to make him smile.
I just want him, and I don’t think anything will change that.
Rehearsals today don’t go any different. Nik avoids my eyes, delivering corrections without ever looking at me. His voice is clipped and distant, each word driving the hurt deeper until I’m practically invisible.
Now that we’re changing in the dressing rooms, all I want is to go home. To curl into bed with my journal and cry into my pillow.
I sling my bag over my shoulder and walk back into Studio B where Lily waits.
She stands at the podium talking with Nik, so I drift toward the window instead, staring out at the dead trees as snow begins to fall. Perfect. Lily is a terrifying driver in the snow.
A tap lands on my shoulder. “Hey,” Lily says, already bundled up with her things.
I turn, smiling. “Hey. Ready?”
Her expression shifts, apologetic. “I’m so sorry, but I can’t drive you home today. My mom just called. Grace has an away game, and I have to pick her up as soon as I leave here.”
I plaster on a smile, trying to mask my panic. “It’s totally fine. Don’t worry about me. You go.”
“Thanks for understanding.” She gives my arm a squeeze. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“See you.” I wave as she hurries out.
The door closes, leaving me with Nik. A sharp, familiar anxiety settles into my chest. I don’t know if I should say anything. If it’s worth risking the potential rejection.
I hitch my bag higher and start toward the door. “Have a good night, Nik.” My voice is small, careful.
His eyes snap up, catching mine. “Where are you going?”
I rub the back of my neck, trying to ease the tension crawling up my spine. “Um… home?”
“How, when I’m driving you?” Confusion laces his tone.
My brow furrows. “You are?”
He nods, gesturing toward the door. “Lily asked me to. Didn’t she tell you?”
Dang it, Lily. I’m being tossed around like a sack of potatoes between the two of them. “Oh. She didn’t mention it. But it’s okay, I’ll just call a cab.”
Nik straightens, his stance hardening. “You don’t want me to take you?”
I wave a hand dismissively. “Wouldn’t want to inconvenience you.”
His jaw tightens, his hands curling into fists at his sides. “You wouldn’t be.” The words come out sharp, edged with irritation.
“Really? Because it sure feels like it. You’ve been dumping me off on Lily all week.” I say it before I can stop myself.
His nostrils flare. “Dumping you off? I didn’t—”
“Yes, you did.” My arms cross over my chest, holding myself together. “Ever since that night, you’ve been avoiding me. Ignoring me. Call it whatever you want, Nik, but don’t pretend it’s not true.”
I spin and storm off, my footsteps cracking against the polished floors, heart pounding so hard I can hear it in my ears.
“Eleanor—wait!” His voice chases me down the hallway.
I don’t stop. I can’t. My throat aches, my eyes burn, and if I turn around and let him see, I’ll surely break.
Heavy footsteps close in behind me. Then his hand wraps around my arm, gentle but firm, bringing me to a halt.
“Don’t walk away from me,” Nik says, breathless.
I yank against his grip, but he doesn’t let go. “Why not? You’ve been avoiding me all week.” My voice cracks, and I hate myself for it.
His jaw clenches, eyes stormy with something I can’t read. Guilt? Anger? Both? “I wasn’t avoiding you. I was—” He stops, pressing his lips into a thin line. “I was trying to protect you.”
I let out a bitter laugh. “By ignoring me?”
“Yes,” he snaps, then forces his voice lower. “What we’ve been doing…” His eyes fall to the floor. “It shouldn’t be happening.”
The air thickens between us, the silence sharp enough to cut through bone. His hand loosens on my arm, sliding down until his fingers brush mine.
My breathing turns rapid as a surge of energy rushes through my limbs. “Nik…” I whisper, not sure if it’s a plea or a warning.
His eyes darken as his gaze drops to my lips for just a second. That second is enough to make my knees weak, enough to make me hope.
Then he pulls his hand away abruptly, pure agony flashing across his face. He steps back, hands in his hair, chest heaving. “This—whatever this is—it can’t—won’t—happen.”
My breath hitches, the air leaving my lungs as reality sets in.
Before he notices the tears pricking my eyes, I spin and walk away, faster this time, not looking back.
He doesn’t follow this time.
The cold hits me like a wall when I step outside. I brush snow off the bench and sit, the chill seeping through my sweater, biting into my skin. Still, the freezing air is easier to bear than whatever is happening with Nik.
I couldn’t shake the way he looked at me—like he wanted to kiss me. And maybe I was foolish, but for a second there, I thought he might. Instead, he pulled away.
His rejection cuts deeper than I care to admit.
I dig through my bag with trembling fingers, sniffling as I fumble for my phone. I start dialing for a cab when headlights cut across the snow, and a car rolls up to the curb.
Nik.
He rolls the window down. “Eleanor, get in the car.”
I don’t look up. Instead, I shove my phone back into my bag and stand.
I don’t care if I have to walk home in the snow.
I can’t face him. Not after what just happened.
The closer Nik gets, the more I want him.
But the closer I get… the further he pushes me away.
And my heart can’t take much more. I’m already barely surviving as it is.
A car door slams shut. “Eleanor, what are you doing?” Nik’s voice carries across the empty lot, edged with frustration. His heavy footsteps crunch closer. “Come on, get in the car. It’s freezing out here.”
I keep walking, sneakers slipping against patches of ice, each step clumsy but determined. Even so, I can’t get away fast enough.
He breaks my stride with a firm, anchoring grasp. I spin around, meeting his stormy gaze. His breath comes out in ragged white puffs.
“Can’t you just leave me alone?” My voice cracks, tears threatening to spill.