8. Nine in the Afternoon #2
“I can see why it feels confusing. Like, do you call yourself queer if you’re not attracted to anyone, or if you don’t feel uncomfortable with the gender other people see you as?
But queer just means ‘outside the norm’ right?
Well… you’re not what the world expects you to be, and that makes you queer,” James replied with a warm smile, “so if you want into the club, consider this your invitation,”
A soft grin found its way onto Chloe’s face as she took the blunt from Bailey and took a hit.
“I’ll think about it,”
With that, Chris cleared his throat; like he was trying to break free from the awkwardness he was clearly still feeling.
“Let’s lighten the mood a bit, huh? Anyone else got the munchies? You said you ordered pizza, right James?”
“Oh, yeah! I’ll grab it from the kitchen,” James hopped up, but stopped for a second before heading through the doorway, “everyone’s cool with pepperoni and cheese, right?”
“I’m cool with anything except Hawaiian,” Chloe replied.
“Oh come on, you’re not one of those people who hates pineapple on pizza are you?”
“Nah, it ain’t that,” Chris spoke up, his voice still softer than normal, “she’s allergic. Her lips swell up, throat gets scratchy as hell, it’s a whole thing. But she always refuses to wear the little bracelet because it ‘clashes with her outfits’ or whatever,”
Chloe turned and looked at Chris for a long moment, her eyes equal parts shocked and adoring.
“You actually remember that?”
“Course I do,” Chris shrugged, “the other day I was switching out my backpacks and I realized I still had one of your EpiPens. Always carried it around. Y’know… in case,”
“I never even knew you did that for me,” Chloe smiled gently at him, “that’s… really thoughtful Chris,”
“Don’t be too shocked! Fire is just as much for warmth as it is for burning stuff down, right?” James teased, winking at Chris as he turned to head into the kitchen, “I’ll grab the pizzas, and something else too. I think we’ll have fun with it,”
Dustin didn’t have much time to think too much about what James meant by that, before he returned; balancing three boxes of pizza in one hand, and carrying what looked like a karaoke machine in the other.
“Oh hell yeah!” Bailey cheered, “karaoke and pizza? James Zhang you’re speaking Bailey-nese,”
James set up the machine, plugged it into the big screen TV and grinned wickedly as he held the microphone out to Dustin.
“It’s only natural for Colorful Trauma’s lead singer to be up first,”
Dustin’s eyes widened, but before he could deny the invitation, the others started obnoxiously cheering him on.
“It’s been forever since I’ve heard you sing bro, come on!” Chris urged him, pushing him up out of his seat.
“I don’t even know what to sing!” Dustin protested as James put the mic in his hand.
“There’s only one choice then,” Chris got up and grabbed the second microphone, putting an arm around his twin, “Total Eclipse of the Heart. I’ve got you on backup, just do your thing!”
The decision was pretty obvious; it was him and Chris singing that song at the top of their lungs as children that made their parents realize that Dustin could sing, like really sing.
Ever since then it had kind of been their thing; one of the few times Chris willingly took a backseat and let Dustin shine unimpeded.
James quickly selected the song, and as the opening notes started playing, Dustin felt like he was suffocating.
Flashes of being on stage flooded his mind; the lights, the pounding bass reverberating in his chest, the cheers as he effortlessly hit power notes while Bailey shredded the guitar alongside him.
Those memories used to fill him with pride, but now he was feeling insane pressure to live up to that past version of himself; was that even something he could do anymore?
He raised the mic to his mouth with trembling fingers, took a deep breath… and then he just went for it. He just had to treat it like diving; he couldn’t overthink it, but he couldn’t be careless either.
“Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming ‘round,”
His voice came out smooth, but a little unsure; he felt like an Olympic runner learning to walk again after an accident. Slipping back into a domain he once owned, but with none of the confidence he used to have.
However, as he and Chris continued, more memories came back; not of Colorful Trauma, but the years before that.
Back when they used to jam out in their shared childhood bedroom in their pajamas with their hairbrush mics, neither having a care in the world.
Like a switch being flipped, Dustin remembered the real reason why he loved singing so much; not just because of the freedom or expression it granted him…
but that connection with Chris. That time before they’d settled into their familiar dynamic, when they were both allowed to be loud and proud.
Before he knew it, Dustin was belting out the chorus with the power of an American Idol winner, earning a dazzled smile from James, an impressed gasp from Chloe, and a prideful nod from Bailey.
His soul soared with the notes, making him feel like he was walking on air.
As the song came to a close, Dustin finally opened his eyes and immediately saw James staring at him like stars that had taken a human form and come down to earth.
“You fucking KILLED IT!” Chris said, pulling Dustin into a tight hug, “I knew you still had it bro!”
“He’s right. That was fucking amazing,” James concurred, his eyes sparkling with barely concealed emotion.
“Th-thank you,” Dustin said, beaming from ear to ear, his heart still pounding. As the adrenaline bled from him, he started feeling weirdly faint. It was the same feeling he had after his very first live performance, “I need some air real quick, be right back,”
“You okay?” James immediately moved to his side, but Chris gently pulled Dustin away toward the kitchen.
“He’s fine, he just gets like this after high pressure moments, no big,” Chris kept ushering Dustin outside; a very clear sign that there was something he wanted to discuss in private, and he was leveraging Dustin’s state as an excuse to step away. James looked conflicted, but he didn’t protest.
The twins stepped into the backyard, and Dustin noticed that the storm was finally starting to let up, though by now the sun was disappearing over the horizon.
“Sorry to pull you away like that, you are okay, right?” Chris asked, placing a hand on Dustin’s shoulder. Dustin nodded.
“Yeah, I’m fine. I just needed a second,”
“Okay, good,” Chris sighed, relieved, “there was something I wanted to ask about,”
“I figured. What is it?”
Chris glanced down at the ground for a long moment, before meeting Dustin’s eyes again.
“We’re still good… right?”
“Huh? Why wouldn’t we be?”
“Because of the whole bi thing. I can’t stop thinking about it. If it’s true… if I am actually bisexual… that won’t be a problem, will it?”
Dustin almost laughed out loud at the absurdity of the question, but Chris was clearly dead serious.
“Why would it be a problem? Chris I’m literally gay,”
“Yeah, but that’s exactly what I’m worried about,” Chris rubbed his hand across his forehead, “I guess I’m worried about stealing your thunder. Being the queer twin has always been your space, I don’t wanna eclipse that,”
Dustin caught Chris’s lip quivering as he spoke, and he immediately embraced him.
“Chris, it’s not a competition. You’ve gotta stop seeing the world like that. We can be queer together, it’s not a space that belongs to either of us,”
Chris nodded against Dustin’s shoulder, sniffling as a single tear fell.
“Y-yeah, right. You’re right. We can do this together… just, don’t tell anyone outside the group yet, alright? I… need some time,”
“I wouldn’t dream of it,” Dustin assured him, releasing him from the hug and looking him in the eyes, “I love you, and I’m insanely proud of you,”
Chris smiled and furiously wiped his tears.
“I love you too. Forever bro; cradle to grave, right?”
Dustin smiled back at him.
“Yeah, cradle to grave big bro,”