Memory Nine
MEMORY NINE
MARIE
I heard him leave and it sounded like my heart was being torn out of my body. He thought he’d snuck out without waking me, but I hadn’t been asleep to actually wake up because I hadn’t wanted to miss any time when I could touch him or catch the scent of his aftershave or feel his heat, because we didn’t have a date for the next time we’d see each other.
I sat up in bed, scraps of ideas I’d been having since he’d proposed and I’d accepted yesterday. It was rare for me to act on impulse, mainly because I’d learned to think quickly so decisions weren’t knee-jerk reactions, but rapidly considered.
I’d had time to think about this.
Scanning my apartment, thankful for the indoctrination I’d received as child about keeping things tidy, I worked out what my next steps needed to be.
I had no pets to consider or commitments outside of work and the plans I’d made with friends, that weren’t crucial. I wasn’t about to be a bridesmaid other than to my brother, which wasn’t for a few months, so I wasn’t going to let anyone down.
Workwise, I had a freeish diary. I wasn’t the lead on anything big, or anything that couldn’t be easily transferred.
The scene was set for a decision that would change my life and those around me. I just needed to be brave enough and certain enough to make it. I thought I was.
The clock on my wall told me it was just after four am, making it nine over where Bernadette was. I was about to dump something on my sister – possibly, unless she talked me out of it. As far as I was concerned she owed me several, given how she’d let things slip to my mam about Grant.
Grant.
I knew I was smiling just thinking his name. He’d have gone to his hotel by now to get his luggage, and soon be heading towards the airport. We’d gone to sleep on a promise to speak when he got home and then we’d agreed on a date for me to come over. Time to speak to my parents, prepare for time away, maybe for his kids to be more settled.
Neither of us wanted to be separated.
I dialled Bernadette’s number, hoping my sister wasn’t farting about somewhere else.
She wasn’t. She picked up on the third ring, sounding far too chipper.
“It’s me,” I announced after she’d greeted her caller.
“Oh,” was the response. “I thought I’d have longer before you wanted to speak to me.”
“I’ll bollock you later for what you said to Mam and Dad. But I need you to do me a favour.” My pulse rate had zoomed up, adrenaline kicking in.
“Depends what it is. I still haven’t forgiven you for the favour you made me do when you were twelve and broke Mrs Duggan’s plant pot. But go on, what are you going to ask for?”
I loved my sister. Sometimes. Now wasn’t one of those times. “I’m getting a plane to London.” There it was. “In about four hours.”
“Fuck. What the mothering holy fuck are you on about?”
“I’m going to get a seat on the plane Grant’s on.” There it was. My mad idea – or not so mad. “We got engaged yesterday. He’s flying home today and taking leave to buy a house in London for him and his kids. I was going to wait a few weeks before going over there but I’m going to go with him.” The words waterfalled out.
“Jesus, Marie. Well, you need to do what you need to do.”
“So I need you to phone Mam and Dad and tell them. Please?” I was getting dressed at the same time as speaking to her, pulling on jeans, working out what I was going to throw into a suitcase.
“Why me? Why can’t you?”
“Because it’s too early. I’ll be in the air for ages and then getting to Oxford and then I expect it’ll be chaos. I need to let them know where I am. And can you let Dessy know too? You have the number.”
There was silence.
“Bernie? Are you still there?”
“When did he propose?”
“Yesterday. In an elevator. And I made him ask me again at the top of the Empire State Building.”
“You made him ask you twice?”
“I needed to think. And I needed to see it again to know it was real. I know, it’s quick, but I also know know. I’m head over heels for him, and he’s the same about me.” Saying it felt right. It all felt right.
“I’ve got you. I’ll tell the parents. Mam will start planning a big wedding and talking about baby names, so be warned. You need to call them as soon as you can, but call me first and I can tell you what to expect. What about all your stuff?” She sounded like a can of pop had exploded.
I’d kind of thought about it. “I’m packing a big suitcase. I’ll be back in New York at some point, so I can sort my apartment out then. Dessy can ship anything I need in the meantime – she has a key. I know it’s mad and I keep wondering if I’m crazy for doing it, but the thought of not doing it makes me want to cry.”
“You shouldn’t cry, unless it’s with laughter. You know that. And what’s the worst that happens? You find out you’re not in love with him. I’m a short flight away, we can spend a weekend in Dublin and get over a man by - ”
“Getting under another. I know. I get my heartbroken, but if I don’t do this, it’ll be broken anyway. I need to go anyway. I’ve got to get to the airport.”
“Go follow your man. Phone me.”
“Love you.”
“Always. Now feck off and get packing.”
I did. Underwear, a few dresses, shoes – nothing dressy because that wasn’t in my near future. Jeans and sweaters, a suit because you never knew and toiletries. Nothing else was essential, everything would be safe here to be dealt with later. I finished dressing, did something with my hair to tame it and called a taxi.
Ten minutes later I was on the way to the airport, hoping I could get a seat on the same plane, else I was a bit screwed. I didn’t know Grant’s address, so getting to him from Gatwick airport would be problematic.
I ran to the desk as soon as my suitcase was out of the car boot, almost knocking over a small child who wasn’t looking where she was going, and then jumping the queue. I apologised, ignoring the tuts and prayed to the patron saint of lost causes.
“Is there a seat on the next flight to London?” I sounded desperate.
The woman behind the desk tapped slowly on her keyboard. “There’s one seat left in first class.” She gave me the price which was a stupid amount.
“Can I check that Grant Callaghan is on that flight? We just got engaged yesterday and I want to surprise him.” I waved my left hand around like it was evidence of everything I was saying.
She clicked a few more keys. “He’s on that flight. In first class. I checked him in earlier.” Her smile grew. “He said he’d gotten engaged yesterday and this would be the worst trip he’d ever taken. I think he’ll change his mind when he sees you.”
“Thank you.” I handed my credit card over, getting ready to sign the slip. Then all I needed to do was get through luggage, customs, and to the gate.
There was just enough time.
She passed the tickets to me. “You need to get a move on. Have a good flight and good luck.”
I twisted round from the desk and almost knocked over the same little girl again, returning a glare from her mother, and then I was gone.
I was on a mission.
Despite expecting something to go wrong somewhere, it didn’t, which surprised me. What didn’t surprise me was the calmness that hit me once I’d found somewhere to hide in duty free. Any doubt that I’d entertained this morning had gone. Every time I saw the ring on my finger, I smiled and felt a glow inside. There was some trepidation and nerves, I couldn’t deny that. It wasn’t just Grant I was taking up with, it was his children too and I had no idea how they were going to receive me. Max was headstrong and had known his mother the longest, so how he’d feel about his dad having a new girlfriend and at some point wife, I wasn’t sure.
But that was the situation I’d accepted when I said yes.
The gate was called for my flight. I lingered around watching the sunrise over New York for the last time for a while, waiting for the last call. I wanted to surprise him on the flight, see his face when he saw me on his flight. The airport was busying up, people milling around who were disappearing on a different stage of their lives, everyone in transit other than the people who worked there.
A sliver of me worried if he’d be mad to see me there, if he did want to leave me behind, the proposal just some entertainment, but that was insecurity speaking. You didn’t buy a ring like the one on my finger just for sport.
“Marie Green. Sorry I’m last minute.” I showed the air stewardess my ticket and passport.
She checked it with a smile. “You’re not the last, don’t worry. Have a nice flight!”
I set off, desperate to see Grant’s expression when he saw me walk down the plane’s aisle, my heart back to running at record speeds, my face hot, my stomach churning.
Another air stewardess met me at the plane’s entrance, checking my ticket again, offering directions to my seat.
I boarded the plane, not looking for my seat number, looking for the face I already knew I loved more than anything else in the world.
He wasn’t there.
There were two empty seats in first class. One was mine.
The other was my fiancé’s, who was absent.
Not present.
Away.
Panic started, but there wouldn’t be tears. Where was he? Had something happened – I knew he’d checked in, I knew he’d been in the airport, so where was he?
I stored my hand luggage, not entirely sure what I was going to do. Leaving the plane wasn’t an option – I was headed to London regardless, but where was Grant?
I didn’t sit down, instead finding the air stewardess and asking her if he’d boarded the plane.
She checked her list, shaking her head. “He’s the last one. Not here yet. Do you mind taking your seat?”
“I need to find where he is.” I didn’t move. “He’s my fiancé. I was surprising him by being on this flight – I need to know where he is.”
She looked at me sympathetically. “Maybe he’s had a change of mind about his flight. Men change their minds, honey.”
I pushed back the tears. This wasn’t how it was meant to go. This wasn’t what I had planned from the moment I heard him leave this morning, trying not to wake me as he left to head back home, thousands of miles away.
I stumbled backwards and sat down on my seat, thankfully an aisle one. The empty seat was opposite me in the middle section, ironically so near to my last-minute choice.
A couple of people stared at me, a woman casting me a soft smile which nearly pulled the tears out. I sat there, spine stiff and straight, frozen with disappointment.
I was almost too busy trying to get annoyed about something to distract me to notice the flurry of activity at the front. I was staring at my unpainted fingernails, hands that were always stained with ink, thinking of anything apart from what I was doing here and how who I was here for was absent.
“Is this who you’re looking for?” The man sat next to me, who was probably wondering what on earth his flight would entail given that the woman next to him was about to crumble.
“Sorry - ” I looked up into warm brown eyes that shone. “Grant!” I flew out of my seat and wrapped my arms around him, wondering if I was still in bed and this had all been a dream. “I thought you’d changed your mind.”
He held onto me just as tightly. “I had. I was ringing your phone in your apartment asking you to follow me but there was no answer. I tried until the last minute and then I had to get on the plane. But you’re here. You’re here.”
A familiar tap patted on my shoulder. “Shall I swap seats then you can sit together? I think the people want the flight to take off.”
I laughed at Grant, looking round to see eyes on us, some smiling, others getting annoyed at the possibility of a delay.
“Thank you. That’s so kind.” I said to my now ex-seat neighbour.
“Not a problem. I just want us to take off soon.” Maybe not as kind as I’d thought, but I didn’t care.
We sat down, Grant putting his hand luggage in the hold and talking off his jacket.
“You’re here.” He sat down, seat belt on, then an arm around me. “How did you get here?”
“Taxi and a ticket.” I knew that wasn’t what he meant.
“Hilarious. I’m so glad you’re here. Leaving you this morning was fucking agony.” He stretched his legs out, a beauty of first class. “I got here and I didn’t know why I’d left you.”
“The kids.”
“That was the only reason and I can’t wait to see them, but - ” he looked at me as if I’d hung the moon and created the stars to go with it.
“I didn’t sleep.” Something that was going to hit me in about ten minutes. Relief and exhaustion were crashing through my veins now. “I just thought why was I waiting to come back with you and I couldn’t find a good reason why.”
He nodded, looking exhausted too, nodding at the air stewardess who looked like she wanted us to be quiet now.
We held hands while they went through the safety demonstration, his fingers intertwined with mine, throwing little glances at each other as if neither of us could believe this was real.
Then the plane took off and we left New York, flying away from the place where I’d lived for the last few years, where my parents were, where my friends were and the place I worked, the place I’d been aiming to work at and be the best at since I was a kid making bigger decisions than I was old enough for.
“Are you coming home with me?” That was the first question he asked when we were in the air, the seatbelt signs still on, smoking still forbidden for a few more minutes.
“Yes. If that’s okay. Maybe we shouldn’t tell the kids straightaway that I’m your - ” I searched for the right word.
“Fiancée?”
“Yes. That. Just let them meet me.”
He didn’t nod, his eyes flickering with amusement. “Max asked me if I’d made any friends and I told him about you and he asked if you were my girlfriend. I said yes. He asked if I’d kissed you and I told him yes. His response was exactly what you’d expect of an eight-year-old.”
I laughed, remembering my siblings at that age. Remembering me at that age. “It’s not going to be easy,” I said, because it wasn’t. The next few weeks especially were going to be hard.
“It’s not. I’m going to piss you off at some point and you’re going to wonder why you left everything for me.” Vulnerability, something I’d rarely seen him wear, sheathed him like a cloak. “I’ll try to remind you. Make sure I never forget to remind you.”
“I won’t. I’ll be the best thing that’s happened to you – apart from those little ones.”
“Let’s see if you feel like that about them in another few days. Our world’s are about to explode, but you are the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I already know that. I need to prove the same to you.”