Chapter 24 #2
Nico pulls me to his chest, kissing my hair. “Thanks, babe. That was perfect. I think he might keep me after all. Maybe offer a contract extension.”
Sheffy and Nico talk about what that might mean for the team, but the giddy, bubbly feeling in my stomach evaporates, leaving a sticky worry clawing up my throat.
If my job—for all intents and purposes—is over, what does that mean for us? For our fake engagement?
I thought I’d be able to handle this, a fun little vacation into a world I would never normally be invited to stay in, but now that I’m here, I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to give up what I found with Nico—a friend and lover.
My stress only heightens as the festivities kick off.
It’s a whirlwind of loud music, flashing lights, and never-ending champagne.
There are games and prizes, and speeches from some of the upper management, including Fitzgerald.
Nico drags me out to the dance floor, where he jumps and flails around with Cubby and a few little kids while I sway a bit with Sheffy, but I notice Nico take out his cell phone twice within a few minutes.
Both times, he makes an aggravated face, his joyous energy being sucked right down, and that sticky feeling that I haven’t been able to shake all night grows to full-on Velcro in my lungs.
I can’t take a full breath and my palms go damp, the hair on my arms rising even as I feel too hot.
Between Nico’s behavior earlier, the short chat with Fitzgerald, and now this, I don’t know what to make of anything.
My previous stable ground has been shaken, and I find myself crawling back into my shell where it’s safe.
I excuse myself from the dance floor to find a seat at one of the tables, but it’s not long before Nico finds me, worry crossing his features. “You feeling okay?”
I nod.
“You don’t feel like talking?”
I shake my head.
“Why not?”
“Because you won’t.”
He sinks down on the chair next to me. “What?”
“I’m…just…” I don’t know where to start, and I coast my gaze around the party, all of the laughing faces and sparkling lights. “Overwhelmed.”
“About what?”
“Right now, the party.”
“You ready to go?”
I shrug. “We don’t have to leave if you’re having fun.”
“But you aren’t, so let’s go.”
I accept his hand, but before he can take a step, I stop him. “Who was on your phone?”
“What are you talking about?”
“I saw you look at it twice, and you seemed…annoyed or something.”
He tries to wave me off. “My mom.”
“Your mom?”
“I don’t really want to talk about it, okay?”
I refuse to move when he tugs on my hand. We promised we’d always be honest with each other, and I don’t like that he’s hiding whatever this is. That he always shuts down any conversations or questions about his family. If he doesn’t want to be open with me, then I don’t want to either.
Nico’s eyes search my face, maybe looking to see if I’ll give in, but I refuse.
“It’s complicated,” he says eventually, and I need air immediately.
I can’t help but assume the worst.
That this fairy tale is coming to an end.
It had to at some point.
I’ve been having such a wonderful time ignoring reality, I think I deluded myself into believing it was my real life and not some fantasy.
“And I don’t want to talk about it here,” Nico says close to my ear. “Outside, I’ll tell you.”
We say our goodbyes then Nico collects our coats and leads the way to the elevators. Outside, he takes my hand to guide me down the street, the freezing air immediately making me feel better, and I take my first deep breath in what feels like hours.
Christmas lights and decorations along the street twinkle and wave in the chilly breeze, and Nico wraps his arm around my shoulders. “I don’t think I can have this conversation sitting down, so…sorry.”
I swallow thickly. “It’s okay.”
“I’ve never told this to anyone before, and it’s…” He nervously pats at the beanie on his head. “It’s difficult to say.”
I hold my breath, having no idea what is about to come out of his mouth. “Is it about me?”
He shoots his gaze to me. “No. God, no. Jo, you’re perfect.
” He stops in the middle of the sidewalk to hold my face in his gloved hands and kisses me.
The tip of his nose is cold as he nudges mine, his lips cool against mine, and I can feel tension running through his limbs.
Maybe from the temperature or from whatever it is that’s been bothering him.
“Is that why you got overwhelmed upstairs?”
“Partly.”
He nods and keeps me close to his side as we keep walking. “Sorry I made you feel that way. None of this has anything to do with you.”
That somewhat calms my nerves, though I’m still a jumbled mess knowing he’s obviously been dealing with something heavy for a long time.
He doesn’t start talking until we’ve crossed the street. “I had a hard time with the campaign today. It brought up a lot of…history. Bad history.”
I bite into my lip, hoping and praying my instinct isn’t true.
“They had me say a few lines about how men need to speak out for women and keep other men in check, and it’s true.
We do. We need to hold other men accountable, but also…
” He licks his lips and blows out a breath that fogs in front of him.
“Men have to not be afraid to speak up for ourselves, not be ashamed for speaking out, and…I guess I got upset because they didn’t touch on that at all, and it made me feel… humiliated all over again.”
My stomach swoops. “Have you ever experienced…?”
He nods once, almost like he doesn’t want to admit it, and I think I might throw up, but I swallow down the lump in my throat. “I’m not sure what to say besides I’m so sorry. I… Are you all right?”
He sniffs, wrinkles his nose like he’s hyping himself up for a game. “Yeah. I’m fine.”
“Don’t tell me you’re fine. You haven’t been fine all day, and it’s okay.”
He wipes the back of his hand over his nose and mouth like I’ve seen him do so many times before when he returns to the bench after a particularly difficult shift on the ice, but he hasn’t taken a hard hit. He’s been sexually assaulted.
“Can you tell me what happened?” I ask.
“It was a long time ago.”
“Doesn’t matter.”
He sniffs again, and this time, I don’t think it’s because of the cold or bravado. “My parents split up when I was five, and my mom remarried when I was about nine or ten.”
I nod because I know this much. He’s told me so.
“Then she had my sisters, one right after another, and she hired an au pair. Her name was Veronica. She was young and pretty and…said she liked boys who could keep a secret.”
I close my eyes, biting my lip so hard I taste copper as he goes on.
“I was twelve, and it was almost right after my dad died, when she said she’d teach me what girls her age liked.
I didn’t know how to react. I was confused.
Because here is this beautiful twenty-one-year-old girl, petting my neck and telling me I’m handsome, that I would love it if I’d just take my pants off. ”
My eyes sting, throat swells, but still, he tells me how this monster raped him, made him think he wanted it, made him promise not to tell anyone, and continued to do this for years.
He was so young and didn’t understand how his body could like what she was doing, even if he didn’t.
He said that the one time he tried to tell his friend, this other boy said how proud he’d be to fuck someone as hot as her, so Nico kept his mouth shut, embarrassed that he wasn’t proud. Guilted and shamed.
For three years, it went on.
“Until my mom came home early one day and found Veronica naked and in my lap. She called me disgusting and threw my clothes at me. Said I was just like my father, a womanizer, manwhore…” He pauses momentarily to lick his bottom lip and rip his hat off his head, so he can pull at the ends.
“She didn’t fire her or go to the police or anything else.
She protected her. Apologized to her on my behalf. ”
I can’t take it anymore, and I wrap my arms around him, pulling his head down to my shoulder, whispering apologies into his ear, because he deserves them.
Nico relaxes his weight onto me, forcing my back against the brick building, as if he can’t hold himself up anymore.
He’s been keeping his secret for so long, it’s a wonder he’s been able to remain so healthy, mentally and emotionally.
It’s also no wonder he behaves the way he does, hiding everything behind a grin and leaning into the reputation his own mother cursed him with when he was a child.
“You have to talk to someone about this,” I tell him. “A professional can help you.”
He doesn’t answer.
“Nico, I will always be here for you, and I will always keep your secrets, but holding this in isn’t good for you.”
He eventually nods then lifts his head. “I know, but…”
I stroke his head, his cheek, glide my thumbs under his wet eyes, then lean in to press my lips to his, sealing my promise with a kiss.
“That’s why you don’t speak to your mom?” I guess once we start walking again, and he loops his arm around my neck.
“Yeah. We text every once in a while, but there is nothing I want from her.”
“But sometimes she wants something from you?”
“Yeah. She’s having a party and wanted to know why I wasn’t coming home. She’s mad she had to learn I was engaged through the tabloids instead of me telling her. I haven’t responded. I’m not sure I want to.”
I have my own issues with my family, so I don’t have any good advice, and instead of saying anything else, I hold on to his hand on my shoulder as we make our way back to the valet. We wait in silence for his car, the enormity of his past hanging over both our heads.
It’s impossible to ignore how much trust he’s placed in me, letting me see the real Nico Tremblay, past the last piece of the mask he wears for the public.
So when we settle into his bed back at his apartment, I kiss my appreciation for him into the skin of his chest, right over his heart, and in a moment when he would use sex to forget about old wounds, I simply lie with him, help him accept the pain, and let him know he doesn’t have to do it alone anymore.