Chapter 31
JO
I’m in the middle of putting on my makeup when the buzzer sounds, and I set down my eyeliner, nerves thrumming through my veins. Hoping I’m not making some terrible mistake.
Nico has been sending me a ridiculous number of gifts over the last three days, from chocolates and bouquets of flowers to pages of dirty Jurassic Park fan fiction and a knitted potholder, about two square inches, that he made himself.
It made me laugh, which might be the point of the gift.
Of most of these gifts. But the singing telegram yesterday was a step too far, as the four men dressed in matching black suits sang an a cappella version of “It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday” but with lyrics changed from yesterday to Josephine.
It’s not that I don’t appreciate all the gifts, it’s just… Well, I don’t want them.
I don’t need more flowers or sweets. I certainly can’t do much with a tiny trivet, and the erotica is nice yet does nothing but remind me of what I’m missing.
Not only sex, but Nico.
He loves the fated mates, so I had to put it down after only a few lines because I couldn’t bear to stand reading about how the dinosaur shifter fought off the other one to save its human mate. The one he’d die to protect.
After spending a few days reflecting on my life and having many conversations with Alma, who did not offer me advice but simply listened, I realized that while the gifts are nice, they’re not what I want.
I never wanted anything in my life other than to be recognized. To be valued. To be prized.
I never truly felt wanted in my life, so I think that is why I couldn’t ever really believe Nico might love me. Because it was superficial.
No matter that he made me feel good about myself, if we couldn’t be honest about our relationship, then how could we be honest with each other?
How could Nico look the figurative world in the eye and truthfully say I choose Josephine?
I wasn’t his first choice, only a means to an end.
And I know now that’s what I want—to be chosen. I want someone to protect me, not because of some artificial rule of a team or mystical force of the universe, but because they choose to. I want to be loved not because they have to, but because they want to.
Which is why all these gifts are more of a reminder of what I am not than what I am.
It’s also why I made the decision to call Malcolm King. So I could, once and for all, give Nico the truth and ask for it in return.
I hit the button on the panel next to the door to ask the person downstairs, “Who is it?”
“Malcolm.”
He’s so proper, it’s a little unnerving. But after I explained what I wanted to do and all that has happened, he easily agreed to help me out. But only after I spoke to his husband.
Jensen had been waiting for me to contact him so we could discuss my work and career, but I didn’t have the motivation, especially after I torched my entire life.
Though, Jensen and Malcolm both have been in my corner, helping me sort through my life, showing me that there are people who will choose me.
I already spoke to Sean, informed him I’d finish out the season as his assistant but then I’d be moving on. Hopefully to bigger and better things.
I buzz Malcolm in, and when I open the door, I find him impeccably dressed, as usual. I step aside to let him in, and he takes in my apartment. After days of wrestling with myself and fighting back depression, I cleaned it up, which helped to clear my mind.
I got back to my step class, found a therapist, and decided I’d had enough. It was time to tell Nico I love him.
Malcolm’s dark eyes sweep over me, carefully assessing. “How have you been?”
“Good.”
He lifts a dubious brow.
“I’m feeling much better. Thank you.”
He nods, satisfied. “Jensen wanted to come along, but I talked him out of it, though I did promise to take pictures. If that’s okay with you.”
I tug nervously at the hem of my sleeve. I’m wearing the dress. “I guess, but…if it doesn’t go the way I hope…”
Malcolm snorts, shaking his head as if disappointed I’d even consider that idea. “As much as I’ve tried not to, I’ve come to like Nico a lot.”
I bite into my lip, unsure if he’s kidding or not.
“I used to think he was an idiot kid, following whatever whims he wanted. But in the past few months, I’ve learned that he is actually quite full of depth and has a big heart.”
I can’t disagree and find myself beginning to smile at that. “He is.”
“Still a bit of an idiot, though.”
I bite back a laugh, and Malcolm lets a smile slip before he straightens his features and tells me, “I know how difficult it is to put yourself out there, but you did the hard part already. You’ve faced your fears.
Now you just need to take the first step.
Because I know that lovable idiot will be waiting for you. ”
He’s so sure that it buoys my spirit, and he flicks his hands, shooing me along. “So, go finish getting ready. The sooner we do this, the sooner I can stop playing Cupid and get back to my actual work.”
“I like you, Malcolm.”
He tries and fails to fight his growing smile as he commands, “Go, Josephine.”
So I do. I finish my makeup and grab the bag I packed before following Malcolm out to the rideshare waiting for us.
At the arena, he stays by my side, a comforting presence even to my jangled nerves.
When we enter through the tunnel, I see the team is out on the ice in their practice jerseys all huddled at the other end.
But when Sheffy spies us, he skates over.
He tells Malcolm, “I’ll take it from here,” then offers me his gloved hand.
Because I couldn’t make any of this happen without the help of Nico’s best friend.
“Don’t be nervous,” he whispers as he helps me walk to center ice, but my gaze immediately finds Nico’s confused one.
He skates over, his eyes taking in the length of me, from the top of my head to the heeled brown boots he bought for me.
“Those are dangerous to wear on the ice.”
Sheffy slaps him on the back. “Might want to start with ‘You look beautiful, Jo.’”
Nico doesn’t acknowledge his best friend. He keeps his eyes on me, repeating, “You look beautiful, Jo.”
It’s near impossible to speak past the lump in my throat, but I manage it. “Thank you.”
“What are you doing here?”
“I had to come see you.”
“Now?”
I nod, doing my best not to bite into my lip, and he removes his glove to lift his hand to my hair, curling his fingers around a lock, sliding them down, only to do it again. “I was going to come see you tonight. I couldn’t wait any longer. I’m sorry.”
“You don’t need to apologize—” I tell him, but he cuts me off.
“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the last few days, and I’ve realized that if I want to be with you, I need to start being honest with myself and the world. Because I know I can’t truly make you feel like I’m choosing you if I’m still living half in the dark.”
My heart leaps into my throat. “I was… I was coming here to ask if you actually want me or if…” It sounds almost silly now that I’m here, but I soldier on, knowing this is the truth. “I’ve never been anyone’s first choice—or anyone’s choice, really. But I want you to choose me.”
He curves his fingers around my cheek. “Jo, I will always choose you. But you were right. We needed time to figure things out.” He takes a deep breath, his eyes never leaving mine.
“I spoke with Malcolm, and I told him about my sexual assault. I want to work more closely with Speak Out to help shed light on experiences like mine. Hopefully help men and boys feel like they can speak out about what happened to them.”
“Really?” I turn, finding Malcolm sitting in the stands, and I smile. Because he really did know this whole time how this would turn out.
When I face Nico again, he goes on, “I’ve also started therapy to help me understand the correlation between what happened to me and how I’ve treated sex and relationships. Because I want to be better for you. I need to be able to offer myself fully to you.”
Words catch in my throat, so I settle for a simple, “I’m proud.”
His answering grin is like a kid on Christmas, and it suddenly strikes me that I’m not sure anyone has ever told Nico they were proud of him.
This sweet man has been bullied in his life too, but in a different way, and maybe I was too blinded by my own past to understand his. “I’m so proud of you, Nico.”
I blink away the wetness building in the corners of my eyes.
“I started therapy too. I don’t think it’s fair to you or me that I’ve been using you as a crutch.
I love that you stand up for me, and I appreciate you so much, but I need to be able to stand up for myself.
I don’t want to have to rely on you for confidence. I want to be confident in myself.”
He lowers his forehead to mine. “Look at us. Two kids going to therapy and getting healthy.”
I give in to a laugh and lean in to kiss him, but he stops me.
“There’s more.” He licks his lips and takes a breath that makes his shoulders rise.
“I told Fitzgerald the truth about you, about us. He thought it was ridiculous, but he said it showed how much I want to stay in Philly, which is something, I guess. I still might be traded, but I’m hoping you’d come with me if it came to that. ”
“You want me to come with you?”
He brings my hands to his mouth, kissing the backs of my fingers.
“Yes, of course. I love you, Jo, and I don’t want to hide any parts of myself with you.
I don’t want to hide any parts of my love for you, and I want you to know that when I say I love you and choose you, I mean it. There are no secrets left.”
My heart beats in my eyes, and I know the entire Iron team is watching. Hearing every bit of this.
We are out in the light. Center ice. And while Nico has never treated me like a dirty little secret, we had too many between us for what we had to ever feel right.
But this, the hope in his eyes and the unshakable promise in his words, I know it’s right. “I came here today to tell you that I don’t need any more time. I know I love you and that you love me. You’ve always been waiting for me, and I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to say it… I love you, Nico.”
He inhales sharply, almost surprised, his eyes wide, mouth pulled into possibly the biggest smile I’ve ever seen out of him. Then he bends down to one knee. “Josephine Atkins…”
I gasp.
Oh god.
Not again.
“I think I can speak for both of us when I say we’ve found our place with each other. I’ve found my home in you, and hopefully you’ve found one in me. I want to spend the rest of my life making you as happy as you’ve made me, so will you please—”
“Nico.”
“Date me?”
“What?”
“Will you date me? I want to start over with you, build a foundation that will last, and then eventually, when we’re both ready, I’ll buy you a better ring.”
“But…” I sniffle and cough out a laugh, my cheeks damp. “I kind of like this one,” I say, holding up my left hand and the ring I hadn’t been able to take off.
“Whatever you want, but can I take that as a yes?”
“Yes, I’ll date you.”
He shoots up, lifting me around the waist and spinning me in a circle before putting me down to face his teammates. “She said yes!”
A cheer goes up, and they all converge, congratulating us, but it doesn’t last long because Coach Elliot skates out with the assistants, shouting to “stop fucking around and get your heads in the game.” Though he does make his way to me, remarkably sweet-looking for a man with the mouth of a sailor and a history of being a bruiser when he played.
Now he offers me a tight nod. “Glad to see Tremmie has his good-luck charm back.”
Then, shockingly, he smiles. It lasts exactly 2.5 seconds before he points to the bleachers. “Now, please, get the fuck off my ice.”
“Oh. Y-yes, sir.”
“Nice, Coach,” Nico says with a chuckle and guides me to the tunnel, where Malcolm is waiting with the bag of clothes I brought to change into, with the hope that everything would turn out the way it has.
I inform Nico that I’ll be in the stands tonight and not behind the camera. Naomi will be saving me a seat.
“It’s a date,” he agrees and boops my nose. “I’ll score one for you tonight.” Then he presses one single kiss to my mouth.
One that promises there is so much more to come.