14. Chapter 12
Chapter 12
Halloween a year later
Natalie
M y eyes flit briefly to my watch. My one-hour session with Jackie is almost over so if I want to ask her it has to be now or I’ll miss another chance.
I’m so grateful for everything she’s done for me. Without her and Matt I would never have made it through the trial. It took longer than I thought it would because Al’s cunning solicitor tried to delay proceedings and was picking on technicalities. In the end it all didn’t help and he was sentenced to four years in prison.
I would be lying if I said that I’m not scared about when he gets out but I really hope that some time in prison will show him what he can expect should he violate the non-molestation order again.
I stayed at Greenview Manor until the summer when the building work started then I found a small studio flat in the centre of Fellside. Life has returned back to a routine, but Matt is part of the new routine.
True to his word, he let me heal. We meet every weekend and he takes me on hikes, we go to the cinema or he finds unique places for us to have a picnic. One time he convinced a mate of his to let us have a picnic in the local library after opening hours. I read bits of my favourite book to him and he fed me some delicious lentil pie thingy that he had invented.
We sat on the shore of Lake Windermere during the summer watching the world go by. As long as I’m with him, Matt doesn’t seem to think doing nothing together is a waste of time.
He’s made me laugh, he’s made me feel safe and he’s made me feel happy again. And if I ever have a nightmare, I call him and he always answers, regardless of what time it is.
But he never came into my flat or invited me back to his house. Being in a house together is too much temptation. We are strictly friends even if I sometimes catch a certain look in his eyes. I know I’m not the only one who wants more. I want him to be my best friend but I also want him to be my lover, the person I give my whole self to. The person I trust with my life and with my soul.
“Natalie you seem distracted today,” Jackie brings me back to the room.
“Sorry! I… I just have to ask you something,” I say nervously.
“Sure. Don’t hold back.” She gives me a kind smile.
“I… when do you think I will be ready to date again?”
“Do you think you’re ready?” She does this. She will turn things back on me. I wish just for once she would say that as of this moment right now I can date or something.
“I think so. I mean, I don’t want to date just anyone. I—”
“You have someone in mind?” There is a knowing smile on her face.
“Matt,” I say quickly.
“And what makes you feel like that?”
“I… I trust him. I feel safe with him. I… he’s my best friend but I want more. I miss physical closeness with him. I miss just lying in his arms. He makes me feel butterflies and he makes me feel giddy. I just want more and I want to see if we can make it work this time,” I sigh.
“What if it doesn’t work out again?” Her face is neutral and I don’t know if she is preparing me for a no or testing me.
“At least I’ll know. When we got divorced he didn’t want to get divorced but he agreed because I asked for it. I know that whatever happens he will respect my decision. If I want to guarantee that I avoid heartbreak I’ll have to stay single forever and I don’t want that.”
“Sounds to me like you think you’re ready to date Matt,” she smiles. “Natalie you don’t need my permission. I just want you to realise that it might not turn into a happy ending and I want you to set boundaries with Matt. You need to feel confident that when you say no he will respect it.”
“He has given me a safe word,” I say and a giggle escapes me when I remember what it is.
“Pardon? I thought you said you haven’t been physical yet?” Jackie looks confused.
“No, it’s not that kind of safe word. He wants me to use it if I ever feel like he is trying to get me to do something I don’t want to or if I feel pressured by anything or scared.”
“Have you used it yet?” Jackie asks.
“Once. He bought me rum and raisin ice cream,” I grin and Jackie laughs out loud.
“What happened?”
“He gave the cone to an old lady and bought me a coffee ice cream.”
“Sounds to me like I don’t need to worry,” she shakes her head laughing.
“Zuul.” I just have to tell her.
“Excuse me?”
“Zuul is the safe word. He’s obsessed with Ghostbusters.”
“I’m not sure what to say to that but I’m looking forward to hearing how you two get on,” she gives me a last smile before we wrap up the session.
I rush from her office and jump into my car. I’m a woman on a mission.
We agreed to meet later to go for a walk around the village and check out everyone’s Halloween decorations. Although we don’t usually go wild with Halloween, this year the village council held a competition for the best decoration and some people really went all out.
But I don’t want to wait that long to talk to him. I stop my car outside his house and shake my head. He’s installed green lights in a cauldron and there are skulls hovering above the entrance. Of course he has prepared something for the kids.
I zip up my Ghostbusters overalls and head to the door. I ring the doorbell and the minute I do some spooky music starts.
“Happy Halloweee—" Matt shouts as he opens the door but he freezes when he sees me.
“Nat?” Immediately worry shows on his face.
“Don’t look so worried. I’m here for my fajitas,” I hold up a shopping bag.
“I thought we were meeting in town?” he says blocking the door.
“Change of plan,” I giggle and push past him.
“I don’t know if this is a good idea—” I stop him from talking by pressing a kiss to his lips. At first he freezes but when I lick over his bottom lip he cups the back of my head and gently pushes me against the nearest wall. His tongue slides over mine causing a zing to shoot straight to my clit.
The doorbell chimes and the spooky music starts again causing a group of kids to cheer.
“Fuck,” Matt hisses. He throws me a confused look before answering the door in his most dramatic Halloween voice.
I use the opportunity to take my shopping bags to the kitchen and unpack the ingredients for him to cook me fajitas. I’ve tried to make them myself but he adds some kind of magic which makes his always taste a million times better.
As the door falls into the lock I notice some white paw prints on the hardwood floor.
“Nat?” Matt calls out.
“What are these?” I point at the floor when Matt finds me.
“They are, well… Egon walked through some paint.”
“Are you renovating?” I ask. He hasn’t mentioned anything to me.
“Yes,” he avoids my eyes and rubs the back of his neck nervously. I don’t like it.
“Zuul,” I whisper and his expression changes immediately. “What are you hiding Matt?”
“I… let me show you,” he links his fingers with mine and guides me upstairs. But we don’t stop on the first floor and he takes me to the stairs leading to the attic instead.
“What—”
“Wait and see,” he says with a wink, leading me up the creaky stairs. My heart’s racing as we reach the attic. We step into a large space with two walls of it under the eaves. The sloped ceiling at those ends might make it a bit of a squeeze for anyone taller, but at five foot seven I can just about stand up straight.
There are black shelves on one side just waiting to be filled with books and bits and bobs. In the corner to the right of the door is a small counter with a sink, microwave, and a little fridge.
Across from the bookshelves is a comfy seating area with some armchairs, a big coffee table, and—my heart skips a beat—a chaise longue. I’ve always wanted one of those.
But the real star of the room is the large window at the far end. In the daytime it must have an incredible view of the countryside but right now all I see is our reflection in the dark glass. There’s a cushioned reading nook built into the window bay, the perfect spot to curl up with a book.
“What is this?” I ask, still taking it all in.
“I... well, I thought if we ever got back together you’d need a space of your own. Downstairs there’s nowhere for an introvert to get away and recharge. If you ever move in I’d want you to have a place for yourself and I won’t come in unless I’m invited.” He’s looking a bit sheepish, rubbing the back of his neck.
“But we haven’t even talked about getting back together,” I say quietly.
“I know, I know!” His hands cup my face and there’s a flicker of panic in his eyes. “Nat, please don’t think I’m pushing you or anything. I would’ve never shown you this if you hadn’t ‘Zuul-ed’ me.” That makes me snort and he smiles with relief.
“It’s just... something I’ve been working on for a while. I wanted my bookworm to have a space to escape to if you ever need it.” He lightly touches the pendant around my neck, the one I put back on as soon as I left the hospital.
“It’s amazing,” I say, sinking into the reading nook, feeling the soft cushions under me.
“Are you going to tell me why you kissed me?” He finally asks, dropping beside me on the bench, the tension between us thick.
“I want to be more than just being friends. I want you back in my life, completely,” I whisper, my heart pounding.
“What about needing time to heal?” he asks gently, a hint of concern in his voice.
“I don’t think I’ll ever be fully healed. But I know this: you’ve given me my happiness back. You’ve made it possible for me to trust again and you are my safe place.” I turn to him, meeting his gaze. “Matt, I love you. Maybe I never stopped, but it’s different now. It’s stronger. You make it easy to believe in us. Fate has given us a second chance, and I don't want to waste it. I'm ready to open my heart to you again. Fully and completely."
He pulls me close, his lips brushing mine with a tenderness that makes my heart race. “I would’ve waited for you forever. There’s no one else but you, Nat. I love you too.”
“Show me.”