Episode 86 Off the Rails
Off the Rails
She should have told Cerian sooner. Not now when she can barely keep her eyes open.
He watches Arisanna without speaking, waiting for her to say something.
How hard was it for him to ask her to talk to him? It was impossible to miss the emotions screaming behind his eyes before he spoke.
But he stayed. And he didn’t shut her out, though part of him seemed ready to hide behind those walls of his. What must he be thinking, knowing she’s hiding something from him? Something she discussed with Tharios?
She should have told Cerian as soon as they had a moment alone.
As she looks at him, she bites her lip. What is she supposed to say? Are these conversations as awkward for him as they are for her?
Every conversation is awkward for Cerian.
Well, not lately. He’s been opening up with her a lot the past few days. Trusting her with his words. With his heart.
She owes him the same.
Not that she was planning to hide anything from him.
She should tell him.
And not just stand here all night thinking about telling him.
“I think I’m stuck inside my head again,” she whispers.
His throat bobs as he looks down at his hands. “I thought we agreed we could talk about anything.”
The defeated note in his voice makes her heart ache.
“We did. I’m just being ridiculous.” She does her best to pull up words. “Tharios...was concerned—and rightfully so because I had no idea. Humans don’t have things like...that. So I didn’t even realize there were ways to...to...”
Confusion latches on to Cerian’s face, but he says nothing.
“My humanness may be showing again,” she says. “We like to awkwardly dance around topics like it’s a sport.”
A sport?
Stars above. She’s clearly too tired to talk like a rational person right now.
“So,” he slowly says, “you wish to tell me whatever we’re not discussing, but you don’t know how to bring it up because humans don’t discuss such things except awkwardly the way you’re doing now?”
She stares into his eyes for a moment before nodding. “That pretty much sums it up.”
He looks relieved. At least now he knows she wants to tell him.
“Is this about the joining? Or water closets?” he asks, and she frowns.
“Water closets?”
Why would Tharios be talking to her about water closets?
“Your mother told me humans don’t discuss them.”
“Oh.” She cocks her head to the side. “It’s not so much the water closets themselves as everything that happens in water closets. It’s not considered a polite conversation topic.”
“You’re not unwell, are you? If Tharios was talking to you about water closets—”
Stars above. This conversation is going off the rails.
“The joining,” she blurts out before he can say anything else. “It was about the joining. I’m not sick. And we definitely didn’t talk about water closets.”
“But you shouldn’t have been able to talk about the joining. Not with him. It happened in the heartlanding. Did I...hurt you?”
“Stars above, no, Cerian. You were beyond gentle.”
Once again, relief fills his eyes, and he nods.
This is ridiculous. She’s being ridiculous.
They were just talking about the joining earlier. For goodness’ sake, they did it last night. And he was running his hands all over her minutes ago.
If she can’t talk to Cerian about this...
Taking one more deep breath, she dives in before she can go around in any more circles in her head. “Tharios gave me something to prevent...to prevent...pregnancy.”
There. She said it. Why was that so hard?
Tentatively, she lifts her eyes to Cerian’s. Is he laughing?
She groans, running her hands down her face. “Yes, I am ridiculous. I should have said that five minutes ago.”
He draws her into his arms, his shoulders shaking. “Yes, you should have.”
“In my defense, I’m really tired,” she says as her own laughter gets the better of her. “Human, remember?”
“My human.”
“So, I have a little bottle of some Lothlesi medicinal that I’m supposed to take every night.”
“This is why you keep panicking about forgetting it,” he says, his laughter fading as he holds her close.
Now that they’re talking, it’s easier to keep going.
“You don’t want elflings yet, do you?” she asks. “That’s what I should have asked you hours ago. Tharios said humans are more fertile than elves. And I have a lot of years ahead of me. And...and I’m not sure we’re ready...”
Cerian takes a moment to answer. “I want you to be happy. But...whistling wind, even Tharios is young to be a father, despite Father’s Council of Elders pestering him. And my own parents are young. We have years, Arisanna. Decades. Centuries, if you want.”
Images of Father grimacing while climbing the stairs to the astronomy tower fill her.
“My parents don’t have centuries.” The thought squeezes something in her chest, and Cerian tightens his arms around her.
“I know. I’m sorry.”
She nestles closer and basks in his comforting warmth. “So maybe not today or tomorrow or next year. But maybe not decades or...or centuries, either.”
He presses a kiss to her temple and rests his cheek against her hair. “Elflings terrify me, but I believe I can live with anything that makes you happy.”
She wraps her own arms around him and holds him tight. “Someday. When we’re both ready.”
Hopefully, sooner than centuries. Stars above.
“I’m sorry,” he says. “I should have brought this up myself. Or talked to Tharios. Or Father, even. I don’t know what I was thinking. Or not thinking.”
She looks up at him in surprise as his words fill her heart. He would have done that?
“I’m grateful Tharios was watching out for us,” Cerian continues. “Since I clearly wasn’t.”
“I didn’t even know to ask. No one told me I have options. We don’t have things like Lothlesi preventatives in Nunia. Tharios is a good brother, Cerian. Even if he delights in tormenting you.”
“Yes, but I will never admit that to his face.”
Cerian’s words make her smile, but she can’t hold back a yawn despite her best efforts.
“Let’s get you to bed,” he says softly. Without warning, he lifts her to his chest and carries her to the massive bed, setting her down gently before collecting his knapsack.
The gesture warms her heart.
With the briefest glance her way, he digs in the bag until he finds the vial. “This?”
She nods. “One drop every night.”
To her surprise, rather than handing it to her, he twists off the lid himself and collects a small amount with the attached dropper.
“Yes?” he asks as he meets her gaze, and she smiles at the warmth in his eyes.
“Yes. For now.”
Then he holds out the dropper and releases the liquid bead into her mouth. It’s syrupy sweet, like too much candy, but the taste quickly vanishes as a slight tingling sensation spreads where it touched her tongue.
“Thank you,” she whispers before yawning again. “Next time, I’ll tell you sooner.”
“Please do. So I don’t carry on about water closets while wondering if you’re ill.”
She chuckles as her eyelids grow heavy, and he pulls the covers over her before leaning down to press his lips to her forehead. “Sleep well, my human princess.” He only hesitates for a moment before adding, “I’ll see you in your dreams.”
“How long do you think it’s been in the real world?” Rominy asks as he tries to resist the urge to watch the rain falling outside their little cottage window again. The sky is a dusky gray. Somewhere beyond the rain clouds, the sun must be setting.
“I have no idea. Hours? Days?”
“It’s been two days here,” Rominy whispers, as if Elowyn isn’t aware.
“Shall we make notches on the wall to mark the passing time?”
Rominy swings his gaze toward her. “Very funny.”
“It brought out your smile, my love.”
He sighs as he turns away from the window. “I’m sorry. I’m moping again.”
“Let’s go on another adventure.” Elowyn’s eyes twinkle beneath silver lashes as her smile steals his breath away.
He almost says something about the sun setting, but he swallows his protests.
He did promise to help her chase her dragons.
Instead, he slips his hands onto her waist and draws her closer. “What did you have in mind, love?”
As she looks up at him, it’s impossible to miss the hopeful look in her eyes. “Let’s go for a moonlit swim.”
He studies her as memories of their swim in the twilight flit through his head. Is she asking him to have an extended lapse in judgment?
“Elowyn—”
“Just a swim. Please.”
She clearly has more faith in his ability to keep his own fire in check than he does.
Sliding his hands to her back, he pulls her against him and leans near her ear. “I’m not sure you grasp how much I want you, love.”
“I could venture a guess. You aren’t the only one struggling.”
“So why are we talking about going for a swim in the moonlight?”
“Because I’ve always wanted to do so, and I never have.”
He lets her words sink in.
This is something she’s dreamed of doing?
“Are you sure you don’t want to wait until you’re better?”
“I want to live now, Rominy. I don’t want to exist in limbo, waiting to wake again.”
He breathes in deeply as he buries his face in her hair. This seems like a very bad idea.
But if it means that much to her...
“We’ll have to help each other be strong,” he whispers.
“Always, my love.”
“All right, then. I guess we’re going swimming.”