12. Rian
Rian
I followed Ember, trying to not to panic. My brain went on autopilot as we headed out to a massive rolling green field.
Joy radiated out of the other omega when she talked about music. For a second it felt like being at the studio with Ben, jamming and talking about the thing we loved the most, outside of each other.
She was animated and passionate, and she smelled so good I fantasized about licking her.
Ben wanted her as much as I did, and he had less reservations than I did.
It would be so easy to pull her into my lap and kiss her.
Take her apart, piece by piece. Sandwich her between us until that lemon scent coated both of us.
I wanted her more than I cared to admit, especially after the fiasco with Cindy. Even if Ben was used to people asking thoughtless questions, I wasn’t. By the end the beta was asking whatever came to mind, like Ben needed an award for overcoming his blindness.
Like he had a choice. Like the world gave him the option.
He didn’t. I saw firsthand the extra work he took to do something simple, like going to a new place, shopping, or eating out. I took a hundred things for granted while Ben made plans and backup plans.
We needed someone who didn’t start that way. Cindy could have looked up some basic facts before heading into a date.
Watching Ember talk about music almost undid me.
“Here we’ve got the meadows.” She gestured around us.
The welcome center was one small part of the grounds.
A massive lodge sat to the north of the property, with a scattering of other cottages dotting the land.
Around the buildings were rolling green fields.
One of the fields held a yoga class, and nearby were people doing tai chi.
Ember waved hi to an alpha, and jealousy flashed through me until she said the alpha was her older brother Zephyr.
I needed to get a grip on myself. I suppressed a whine, my brain trying to justify the need for Ember’s scent on my skin.
Ember had a male omega partner. I could scent him on her, picking out a bit of sweetness, honey I thought.
Any hope I might have had with Ember evaporated the minute I found out she already had another omega in her life. I was brooding, moody, and cranky, even when I didn’t mean to be. Ember with another omega? I was destined to be the third wheel.
Ben wouldn’t leave me; I knew that as sure I knew the sun would rise.
But letting Ember in, only for the relationship to flame out once the two omegas decided it was too much, would hurt me more than I wanted to admit.
In the end, I would be too needy. Too clingy.
We needed a slow, soft start to dating, not the burning explosion of a dying star like dating Ember would be.
I forced myself to admire the scenery. Ben brushed his hand down my arm, pushing calm confidence through the bond. I used his good cheer to buoy me, borrowing an emotion I wasn’t feeling myself.
Ben had his cane out, swinging through the stone walkway. It was open out here, so we didn’t bother with me being a sighted guide. I never minded, but Ben liked to be able to move.
“It smells nice,” Ben said. He was right; it smelled like lavender and some other flower scent I couldn’t place.
“It’s great.” Ember beamed, her red hair swaying around her in the breeze. She was attractive, the sort of beauty they wrote songs about.
Even now, a hint of a melody tickled the back of my mind. Something about the scent of lemon and cake, of the sweetest honey and deepest pain.
How dramatic is that , I thought. I hadn’t written a new song in a year and the snatches of lyrics that did come were more and more melodramatic.
But Ember reminded me that other bands did melodrama well, like Evermore West. The indie folk rock band wrote lyrics about forces changing you, and feeling it in his bones, but it was delivered so earnestly it worked.
I wondered if Evermore West felt self-conscious writing lyrics like that, or they knew it was okay to be a melodramatic bard the Internet had likened to being an Unseelie Fae.
Maybe I could ask Ben for a face-to-face with the lead singer, Patrick.
I wished again that I could write music and get out of my own head.
When I was a teenager, I’d sit alone in my crappy room and write songs.
All sorts of songs: happy ballads, rock with heavy guitar rhythms, and dark melodies filled with pain.
It was as essential as breathing, and I didn’t question myself like I did now.
I was technically a better musician. I’d been playing guitar and writing songs since I was ten. My parents praised me for being a prodigy and talked about how talented I was. How far I would go.
They still asked me if I was making music for other people. And when would I produce my own album? They even made not-so-subtle hints that it was no good being bonded to a music producer if I never made my own music.
I hadn’t told them about making my own album at the time and now I was glad. I didn’t want them to know I was a washed-up has-been after only one album.
Sometimes I wished I could go back to being barely eighteen, writing songs as a way out of my own mind. My depression and sorrow, my pain and confusion. The bright, almost manic love I’d felt when I met Ben. Music was my way through the woods, but now I was lost.
Music abandoned me or I abandoned it. I understood the artists now when they said each song, each poem, each story killed them a little, a slow death. Writing was easy; you just opened up a vein and bled on the page.
I lifted my face to the sun and tried to ground myself in the moment. It was okay if I never wrote another song again. I had Ben. I was able to make music. Wanting what I used to have was hubris.
It was reaching for the sun and complaining when the flames burned my fingers.
I looked at Ember’s flame-red hair, and knew she would burn me too. Or lead me astray in the woods, like a will-o’-the-wisp. She wouldn’t mean to, but she wouldn’t put up with my bullshit for long.
“You two are welcome on the grounds whenever you want.” Ember led us up a path. “Cosmic Bonds isn’t just about dating. You can take yoga, and there’s art classes, cooking, a sauna, and a meditation circle.”
It was daylight, bright and sunny, but I could see in my mind’s eye it getting dark, the chill in the air, the bright pull of Ember’s scent enveloping me until I was helpless but to follow.
Judging from Ben’s intense look, and the pure longing I felt in the bond, he was thinking the same thing.
“It wouldn’t be creepy if I wandered around?” With my guitar, I added mentally. The woods at the top of the hill were open, letting sunlight in, the pathway well worn. I scanned the ground for roots or something Ben might trip over and saw Ember doing the same.
“Not at all. We have a lot of artists who come here just for the atmosphere.”
She smiled, and I closed the distance between us. Would it be so bad to get lost in the woods with this omega? She could lead me out, help me find my way through.
The breeze brought her scent to me, and the soft note of honey hit me. West, her omega. I stepped back, cataloguing the confusion on her face as I turned away.
Another omega. It was too much. Two omegas would be a stretch but three?
I’d have to hope he tolerated me, and I wasn’t even thinking about bonds with Ember. I was driving on pure instinct and need to taste her scent on my tongue.
We were doomed to fail.
We finished our tour, and I asked about our next candidate. If Ben and Ember both seemed disappointed, that was too bad.
It was better this way. I was already lost in the woods. It was better not to drag everyone else in there with me.