25. Abby
Abby
Last night, Clay and I sat in our living room together with two wine glasses and sunk them into a white cake to find out the gender of our baby. It was just the two of us, and it was a moment I will treasure.
We both laughed and cried together. We smeared cake on one another and simply soaked up the moment where we got to plan out our future. We didn’t have to hear any stories or other people telling us their thoughts and feelings on the matter. We just had it as our own special memory.
For someone who had planned all the details of telling her husband she was expecting, to announcing her pregnancy on social media, to then doing a gender reveal, nothing was really going as planned. Even the way I would be soaking up this pregnancy, everything has been different.
I have spent a lot of hours in therapy talking it through with my therapist. During the early weeks when I found out, I panicked. I wondered about the what-ifs. The big one was, what if this didn’t work out, and I lost the baby? And her response wasn’t sugar-coated. She just said, “What if you do?”
I think that was the first time someone gave it to me straight.
And we sat there and walked through all the scenarios, and somehow that was comforting.
It was reassuring for my brain to know how I might react.
It’s awful, I know, but it’s how a person who has dealt with the truth of trying to conceive might feel when everything has been hard to get to up to this point.
But now, I’m finally embracing this pregnancy.
That’s what she told me to do a few sessions back.
I sat with the results of the gender for a little while, still a bit apprehensive.
I think I was a little scared because knowing made it a little more real.
Knowing I was holding back only led to her decision when Clay joined us at that last session.
The homework Dr. Beskow told us to do? A gender reveal if we cared to find out.
She said it was a great way to bond and connect with the baby after struggling to get pregnant for as long as we had.
And I’m so glad we did. The moment we saw the color of the cake in the glasses, we both dropped them onto the remainder of the cake, pulled each other into a hug, and whispered, “I love you” to each other.
All the other darkness of our past just faded away. It was almost like we knew right then that no matter what, we could deal with the hardship. It doesn’t mean we wouldn’t have difficult moments, but we knew we would be okay. I just knew I would have to be honest with not only Clay but with myself.
Now we are driving to see Clay’s mother, Mary, River, Kennedy, Samara, and Ashton. The twins are getting bigger, and I haven’t met them yet, so I’m finally getting a chance to meet them and visit with Sam and Ash.
The moment we pull up to their house, Sam runs out, and that sunshine personality graces me. Apparently, while she was pregnant, she was incredibly difficult, snapping at everyone who crossed her path. I don’t know what everyone is talking about; she isn’t feisty at all.
I give Clay a look, and as if he can read my mind, he responds, “Don’t give me that look. She was unbearable at times. Now it seems Ash has taken on the attitude himself.”
I have no time to say anything before she pulls me into a hug that might take all the air out of my lungs.
“Shit, Sam, you’re going to squeeze her too tight,” Clay yells.
“Damn, sorry.” She pulls away from me and taps the bump. “You’re adorable. I was the size of a double-decker, but this way,” she says and brings her hand forward because of the twin belly size.
I giggle and bring her in for another hug. “I missed you, Sam. It’s been too long. Thanks for not hating me.” I truly missed her, and I’m so glad we can still be friends. She has every reason to disown me as one.
“Of course I don’t hate you,” she says, giving me a kiss on the cheek.
“What am I, chopped liver?” Clay whines, and Sam rolls her eyes.
“Between you and your brother, I don’t know who is more needy,” she responds, and Clay immediately says, “River!”
Once we’re inside, it’s pandemonium. Everyone is hugging, and Mary is laughing one second, then crying another, and money is exchanged back and forth because there is always a bet going about something. It’s chaos, and I stand back, wondering how I thought I’d live without this.
“Balrog is not a word!” River yells.
“The fuck it’s not!” Ashton yells across from him.
I rest my forehead down on the table. Every fucking time we play this game, it’s the same thing. I swear to god. Years of playing and I swear this happens every. Single. Time.
I look over to Kennedy and Samara, and we give each other the same look like we want to stab ourselves in the eye with a pencil.
“We do this all the time. I’m not going through the Scrabble rules again. It’s not in the dictionary,” Clay says, rubbing his temples.
“It’s a fucking word!” Ash says again.
“But it’s not a word, goddamnit! Kennedy back me up!” He looks at her, and she throws her arms up.
“Oh, so now you’re quiet, Skip?” he protests. “You weren’t last night when?—”
“Don’t you dare finish that sentence, Riv!” she yells.
Clay covers his mother’s ears while River says, “Sorry, Ma!”
Kennedy buries her face in her hands, and I can see her ears turning red. I don’t know why I thought this would go any differently. It’s hard not to laugh.
“Okay, can I go yet?” I ask.
Clay removes his hands from his mother’s ears, and she pats them in appreciation while glaring in River’s direction.
I get a nod from Clay for me to go ahead, and I begin laying my square pieces on the board, spelling my word out. I get a few pieces out, and, as expected, River starts to pipe up.
“How many pieces do you have, Abby?” He throws his hands up. He is so damn competitive.
“What are you even spelling?” Ash chimes in.
I don’t even acknowledge either of them and keep going. Once done, everyone stands from their spot, and it takes them a second to figure it out. Sam is the first to scream, which only sets off the twins to start wailing.
“Oh my god, no shit, what? Really?” Mary says, looking over at Clay, then at me, then at River.
River is looking at the game board, then at me. “Can you play a phrase like that?” He looks at Clay. “I think she can only play a word, not a phrase.” He looks back at the board. “Kennedy, baby, check the rules because ‘It’s a girl’ is a phrase and not a word.”
Kennedy is ignoring him, and she’s running over to hug me, and Mary is crying as she makes her way to her son. It takes River another second to realize what the fuck is going on, and then he belts out, “I’m going to have a niece!?”
Everyone breaks out in cheers, and we are laughing and crying all around.
Clay and I couldn’t think of a fun way to tell our family and friends, so we thought this was a cute yet competitive way to break the news.
This gathering was already arranged so we worked it in.
We had this game at home, so we snuck the pieces in my jacket and viola!
The suggestion of the game was an easy sell because everyone loves to play.
“When did you find out?” Kennedy asks.
“Last night. We found out together with a cake. We wanted it to be just us.” Clay comes up behind me and kisses my cheek.
“What about your parents? Do they know?” Mary asks.
“We FaceTimed them right before we drove here. We didn’t have a fun way to tell them, so we just saved a piece of the cake and showed them the color on the call. Did the same for my brother and sister-in-law.” I smile.
“A little girl.” Mary nearly has hearts in her eyes. “I always wanted a girl, and then I got these hooligans.”
“Hey!” River and Clay protest. “We were angels!” That comes from River.
Ashton laughs hard, and Mary joins him.
“Sure you were. I nearly had a heart attack on a weekly basis. You two gave me a run for my money,” she says, and I believe her.
These two are a handful now. I don’t know how their sergeant handles them at the firehouse on shift. They’re exhausting just for a few hours at a time together.
The game is forgotten, and the guys go off to the kitchen to have a celebratory drink while we take the twins to the living room and talk about plans for my daughter, which still feels surreal to think about.
I still can’t believe I’m going to be holding a little girl in my arms in the months to come.