Chapter Forty-seven
I have my head in my hands when she storms out of the bathroom, fully dressed back in her clothes she turned up in last night.
“Savannah!” I call her name, chasing after her as she tries to make her escape.
A sob sounds from her, but she doesn’t pause or falter. She keeps going until she gets to the front door and yanks on it, except it doesn’t open. The keys are on the hook in the kitchen.
“Let me go!” She screams, pulling on the door, her back still to me.
Her pain is a physical being staining the air around us.
“Savannah, wait,” I beg, reaching for her but she swings around so suddenly I don’t see it coming and her hand makes contact with my cheek. Pain flares for a quick burst before settling into a burn that sears me from beneath the surface.
Shock stalls her tears, “Wait, I’m sorry!” She rushes to cup my cheek, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do that.”
Her palm soothes the sting, and I lift my own to cover her hand, keeping the contact.
She feels like home, with her soft touch and her gentle eyes. Waking up with her this morning was the purest kind of ecstasy, having her wrapped around me like nothing had changed. Her touch calms the demons and quietens the noise.
I need her.
But how do I fix all the shit I have broken?
Will she still love me when I tell her the truth? She doesn’t remember it all, doesn’t remember that she gave me her heart, will she fall in love with me again when she realizes I put a match to the house we built and now we’re both standing in the embers and the ashes of it.
I cannot survive without her.
Fat tears roll over her pinkened cheeks, bloodshot eyes full of confusion and hurt and anger.
Stepping closer, I raise my hands to her cheeks, brushing away more tears as I bend and run the tip of my nose down the length of hers.
She shivers under the touch, another tear slipping out the corner of her eye. My lips press to it, the saltiness of her sorrow adding another scar to my littered body.
“Killian,” She whispers, her voice trembling.
I kiss the corner of her mouth.
Her fingers curl against my bare chest, nails scoring my skin.
She softens in my hands, and I test with the faintest brush of my lips against hers. Her lips part for me as a sigh works from her so I press a little harder, angling her head so I can slant my mouth over hers. My fingers thread into her hair, the strands like silk on my fingers and when I run my tongue along the seam of her lips, she opens for me.
I sweep my tongue inside, the taste of her like a drug I cannot get enough of.
The kiss stops my world from spinning, it pauses it all. There’s no past, no future, only this right here. Only her. Nothing else matters.
I have been denying it for so long, not wanting to let anyone down, not wanting to betray my friend or his trust but with it, I denied her. I denied myself.
I give and I fucking give , but I never let myself take.
When is it my turn to find fucking happiness? When is it my turn to have something I want!?
I have everything in my hands right now, I have her right here, even when I almost lost her, I have her right here and I’m supposed to just let her go?
I’ve tried that. And I can’t.
She melts against me, becoming soft in my hands and I step us back until her spine is pressed to the door and then lift. Her legs immediately go around my waist and she tilts to allow me to kiss her harder.
It’s like nothing has changed, no time has passed. We fit together, her and I, and while our puzzle is incomplete, a few pieces missing, the picture is still fucking beautiful.
I am going to fix this. I am going to fix us.
This is just the first step in that direction.
I gently pull away from the kiss, my heart thumping inside my chest like a freight train out of control and she follows, chasing the connection, her lips swollen and her eyes reddened by her tears. She blinks slowly, a little dazed until her eyes suddenly widen.
“Put me down,” She demands breathlessly.
I tighten my hold, “I really don’t want to.”
“It wasn’t a request,” She fidgets in my arms until I have no choice but to let her go, lowering her feet back to the floor before she sidesteps and wraps her arms around herself. My kiss still lingers on her mouth, her lips glossy.
But it isn’t want or need or love staring back at me, it’s betrayal and regret .
“I want to leave.”
“Savannah,” I plead.
“Let me go!” She yells, “Let me go, Killian, please. ”
Swallowing, I take the few steps to the kitchen and grab the keys for the door, “Let me drive you home. Let me throw some clothes on and take you back.”
Her nostrils flare, “Fine.”
I throw the sweats I had on last night back on my legs and grab a tee before I walk her to the car silently, opening the passenger door for her to slide inside. She keeps her eyes averted and once I’m inside with her, she turns to the window, keeping herself as far from me as she can get.
She doesn’t remember it all yet. She doesn’t remember how she feels.
I pull onto the road and take her back to her house, the journey silent and tense and when I come to a stop outside her place she immediately reaches for the handle.
“Do not come here,” She says with her back to me, “I do not want to see you. I don’t want to speak to you. I don’t remember it all, Killian but I will and whether you regret not telling me or not, I cannot and will not forgive you for lying to me.”
Guilt churns through me, “Let me explain.”
She scoffs a laugh, “Would you have ever told me if I didn’t remember? ”
I don’t want to lie to her, so I don’t speak at all.
“How do I know you won’t lie again?” She shakes her head, “I can’t trust you, Killian and that kiss? It was a mistake.”
She gets out before I can say another word and slams the door behind her, storming toward the house without even a backward glance. She gets the door open and is inside in the next blink, the door closed and likely locked behind her. My hands curl around the steering wheel, knuckles turning white.
So many mistakes, so many regrets, but finally giving into her isn’t one of them. I regret lying. Regret pushing her away, forcing us to be in the shadows, to love in secret but I’ll never regret giving her whatever is left of my heart.
I pushed her away thinking it would be best for her, that it could never be me because I was too fucking scared.
I’m a fucking coward.
But I need to fix this, and I know exactly where to start.
With a final glance at the house, I pull back into the street and I make my way to Sebastian’s house.