Chapter Three
Three
Kian
I’m on my best behavior. Kind of.
Should I be at a neon party when I’m officially doomed for stats? Probably not. But it’s been all of four minutes since I walked into Beta Phi, and I’m splattered with glowing paint and soaked in alcohol. It doesn’t get much better than this.
Dylan glares at me under the neon lights, shirtless, like me, and covered in handprints, jeans hanging low.
“Having fun?” I ask.
He gives me the finger and heads down the hall. Usually, he’s not such a downer, but the whole captain thing really upset him. I don’t understand why because he’s fully capable of leading the team. He should be happy.
I don’t get to follow him because Crystal Yang, a sorority girl, pulls me into another room.
When the rest of the girls see me, they cheer, sliding friendship bracelets on my wrist. I’ve had a great relationship with the Beta Phi sisters since I helped them at a car wash and raised enough money to fund their fall formal.
“Keg?” Crystal asks me, dragging me to the living room. She tells me we’re going to play Jenga later, pointing to the guys carrying the giant wooden blocks to the porch. But I’m staring at the girl doing the keg stand. Cassidy Carter. Blond hair, blue eyes, and the twin sister of my teammate, Cole.
A few semesters ago, Cassie and I spent a lot of time together.
I would categorize it as dating, but she made it pretty clear that wasn’t the case.
Not long into our situationship, we attended a tailgate together, where Julia Romero, an ice-skater, walked into the picture.
Cassie excitedly introduced me to her as her friend, then proceeded to kiss Julia right in front of me.
It was only then, like a complete idiot, I realized Cassie wasn’t in this as much as I was.
We didn’t have sex, though my friends seemed to think we did because of how down I was about us fizzling. I was mostly upset over the fact that I missed all the signs.
But a spark of jealousy ignites inside my bones when Julia comes up behind Cassie now. It travels almost imperceptibly, then all at once.
I don’t get jealous. Jealousy is green, angry, and resentful, but none of those thoughts come forward. It’s deeper than that. Something far removed from the girl. Like yet again it’s not me, and it never has been.
“Ishida! Beer?” Cassie asks, handing me her cup and tossing another one to Julia to fill.
Cassie doesn’t seem to have any problem beaming at me.
We had a good time. I know we did, and she told me so multiple times.
But I can’t seem to forget that whatever we had wasn’t enough for her.
We didn’t have sex. I can’t do that unless I’m all in.
Growing up, I saw the way my parents were, and that’s what I want. My friends are in relationships that are fulfilling. It makes it harder to justify a relationship that’s rushed, messy, or built on convenience.
I lift my cup, letting her pour the beer. “How’ve you been? Good summer break?” My voice doesn’t sound like mine. I’m always completely myself around everyone else, but with her, I’m disjointed and stunted.
“So fun! Julia and I stayed at her family’s house out in Calabasas.” Her gaze flickers again to Julia, who watches her with a soft smile.
Why am I here?
“I’m glad you had fun,” I say, stepping aside.
I’d gotten my feelings for Cassie so twisted up, so wrong, that I don’t understand what I want anymore.
This whole year, I’ve been watching my life fall into a doomed countdown.
Aiden and Eli have already left, and Dylan and I are graduating soon.
Everyone is moving on, yet I feel like I’m trying to stop the hands on a ticking clock.
When I make my way to the kitchen, I spot Dylan, who gestures that he’s leaving.
“Nooooo,” I say. “Don’t leave. We’re going to play drunk Jenga.” The buzz in my system is obvious now that he’s staring at me with sober eyes, pointing to the exit.
Just as he leaves, I’m caught up in the middle of a makeshift mosh pit in the kitchen when “Mr. Brightside” blares from the speakers. I’m not sure what happens in those ten minutes when we shout for the song to replay, but by the end of it I’m sweaty and my head’s up in the clouds.
I push my way through to the sink but stop dead in my tracks.
Red hair. A darkish, kind of cherry and maroon mixture of color. My tutor.
Not your tutor.
She’s standing by the sink, rubbing something together in her hands, filling the metal basin with white soapy bubbles.
I snap out of hyper-fixating on her hair when a guy cups her elbow, his fingers digging into her tattoo-covered skin.
At the library she was wearing a sweater, buttoned all the way up and no clear signs of ink, save for the hint I thought I saw.
But now, I find my gaze tracing each and every one. A bird, a red snake, and a white lotus—
“No.”
The word draws my attention to her lips. It wasn’t loud—she nearly whispered the word—but any idiot could tell from her body language alone that she’s not into whatever the guy just whispered in her ear.
Immediately, something mixes with the acid in my stomach. Something tight and unwilling to unfurl until it pulls me straight to where my eyes are burning holes into the dumbass touching a girl telling him no.