Chapter 29 #2
That was good. It was trivial compared to the rest, but it mattered.
He called Quint, and I only heard Liam’s half of the conversation, but I heard enough to know Quint wasn’t on the case, and the cop in charge of it was an arrogant asshole that neither of them liked or trusted. Great.
“Don’t worry, Firefly. We’ll tell the cops what we know, and then I’ll call in my people. We’ll get to the bottom of it before that idiot figures out his ass from his elbow. In the meantime, until we find him, I’m not letting you out of my sight.”
“Okay.” I wasn’t arguing with that. I’d be stupid to deny I needed his protection from Snake Eyes, the rapist stalker. How could this be happening?
“Are you okay staying at my house? It’s more secure than here. I can sleep in the guest room if you want.”
“I liked sleeping with you last night.”
Liam’s expression softened. “Me too.” He paused. Watched Thor for a long moment before meeting my eyes again. “Why did you keep it from me, Firefly?”
Because I’m all kinds of screwed up. And because I love you.
“I figured I was probably overreacting, but I knew if I told you, you’d worry.
And that would make me worry more. And you’d get overprotective and make it hard for me to keep living my life, all because I freaked out over nothing.
I didn’t want that fear to overshadow my happiness—our happiness—especially now, when things are just starting with us, and it’s been so good. I… You’re not going to like this.”
He raised an eyebrow. This probably wasn’t going to go over well, but there was no more holding back.
“I have this...philosophy, I guess you could call it. Since most people are good, but it’s impossible to know who the bad ones are, I try to assume everyone is good.
So I’m nice to people. I go places and I try things, even if they scare me.
I’m still cautious, but even when I’m uncomfortable, I try to ignore the uncomfortableness so I can live my life and be happy. ”
“You’re right.”
“Really?”
“I hate it.”
Oh. “I do try not to be reckless. Just...optimistic. If I don’t assume people are good and bad things are unlikely to happen, I’ll be afraid of everyone and everything. I can’t live in fear.”
“Being cautious doesn’t mean you’re living in fear. It’s fine to be afraid. It’s also fine to be daring. The part I hate is that you’re ignoring your feelings and purposefully doing things that make you uneasy.”
I flinched, that tiny prick of blame so subtle I doubt he even heard it, yet so damn clear it echoed through every nerve of my body, fury following right behind it.
“You can say that because you’re a man and you’re huge and you’re a soldier.
But your situational awareness crap is BS.
And judgmental. Because whatever you think you see in a person that makes you decide they’re good or bad, it’s superficial and biased.
Evil doesn’t have a look. Every person and every damn situation has the potential to be dangerous!
Anything can happen anywhere. From a dark alley to my bedroom, nowhere is guaranteed to be safe.
I can’t live like that, though! If I avoid everything dangerous, I’ll be terrified of my own shadow.
I can’t trust my judgment. No one ever knows for sure, and especially not me.
So if I can’t tell, and I refuse to live in fear of everything, I have to accept that it’ll probably be okay and hope for the best. It sucks, but out of those options, I choose the one that gives me a chance at happiness. ”
“Firefly…”
Were those tears shimmering in his eyes?
I forced a smile and gentled my voice. While all that was true, none of it was his fault. “I’m okay. I’m used to feeling like this, and it’s fine. It’s just a little worse right now. It’s probably not as bad as we think anyway.”
“I’m sorry, Firefly. I do understand, but I still hate it. I hate that there are monsters in the world—in your life—that make you feel that way. You shouldn’t be okay with feeling like that. You shouldn’t have to be used to it.”
I shrugged. “What’s real and what’s right isn’t always the same.”
Liam ran a hand through his hair, looking uncomfortable in a way I rarely saw.
“What?” I asked, bracing myself.
“I don’t want to sound like an insensitive ass again, but there is another option. It’s not just live in fear or bury your head in the sand.”
That’s not what I was doing. I opened my mouth to defend myself, but the words stuck in my throat. He was right. Crap. That truth stung.
He touched a gentle finger to my cheek, drying my tears.
“There’s another option. You can still believe that most people are good.
You can still hope for the best. But at the same time, you can acknowledge and prepare for that small but real chance that it could go bad.
You can walk through the world, with not just hope that it’ll be okay, but confidence that if it isn’t, you’ll know what to do. ”
Despite the tenderness in his voice, his lack of understanding hurt. He had no idea what it was like to be me. Maybe I did bury my head in the sand, but for good reason. “That sounds good in theory, but it’s not realistic.”
“Let’s just try it, okay? It can’t hurt to learn self-defense or to have some personal protection. Hopefully, you’ll never need it, but knowing it will go a long way to making you safer.”
“No weapons.”
“Fine. Call out from work, and starting today, the only job you need to focus on is learning self-defense.”
My stomach dropped as reality hit. At least temporarily, and hopefully only temporarily, life as I knew it was over.