Chapter 30 #2
“It’s okay to feel afraid. Harness that fear and let it fuel you.
Learn self-defense with the desperation of someone who needs it to survive.
Be aware of every bit of danger around you and be ready to fight for your fucking life.
Right now, that fear is a strength. When this threat is over, we’ll tuck that fear away somewhere deep inside where you won’t feel it.
And you’ll learn. With my help and your bravery, you’ll learn how to listen to the fear when you need it, and how to tuck it away when you don’t need it.
That’s going to keep you safe, and it’ll make you stronger than ever. ”
For a long moment, Jenna’s only response was the pounding of her heart and her fingers flexing against my chest. Damn, did I push too far?
Her palm flattened against my chest, and she pushed back, scrambling to get her feet under her. I let go, but then she was suddenly climbing on top of me, straddling me. She inched closer, pressing against me. “Make me feel good. Make me forget.”
Fuck. “Jenna, I don’t think—”
“Please, I need you. I don’t want to think.”
I couldn’t say no. Even if I probably should.
With a prayer that I wasn’t fucking it all up, I laid her back onto the couch and kneeled down beside her.
I was taking it back to square one. No cock contact.
No body contact. I kissed her, raining little kisses all over her face, claiming her.
“Take your skirt and leggings off, Firefly,” I whispered, kissing behind her ear.
She did, and her shirt and bra too, and then she spread her knees, baring herself to me. Fucking beautiful.
“Eyes on me,” I whispered against her lips.
Her eyes flew to mine, and holding her gaze, I slowly worked one finger in. When she finally softened around me, I pulled it out and plunged two fingers inside, her mouth dropping open. “Good?” I asked.
“Yes!”
Thank God. Determined to give her what she needed, I twisted and crooked my fingers, finding that spot I knew she liked.
Jenna kissed me eagerly, and I caressed her breasts and worked my fingers inside her, matching her pace as she rocked into my hand. She moaned and her movements quickened, but then her breathing faltered, not in a good way. She tightened around my fingers, her face scrunched up in frustration.
I sped up, trying desperately to bring her back to that place she was trying so hard to chase. “You good, Firefly?”
She groaned, but it sounded more disappointed than excited. I froze.
“No, don’t stop. Make me come, please,” she begged.
“What do you need?”
“I don’t know!”
I crooked my fingers slowly, deep, and firm, then I tried moving them faster, but she was so tight and unyielding, I had to pull back and gently work in one finger.
She thrust her hips against me like she was desperately seeking what she’d lost—physically and emotionally.
I tried. I fingered her and kissed her and played with her breasts, but the light in her eyes dimmed.
I stilled, unwilling, incapable, of touching her like this.
Teardrops glistened on her lashes. “It’s already ruining everything.”
I pulled out, scooping her up and dragging her into my arms. “No, Firefly. Nothing is ruined. It’s normal to not be into it when this is all going on. When you’re in the right mood, it’ll be just as good as before. This doesn’t mean anything more than it’s not the right time.”
Her face buried in my chest, she sniffled. “I hate being afraid. I’m so scared it’ll take over my life again and ruin everything.” She lifted her head and met my eyes. “Do you really believe fear can make me stronger, like you said?”
The knife to my heart felt so fucking real I was afraid I’d actually bleed on her.
“Yes, Firefly. You’re so much stronger than you give yourself credit for.
You knew more fear younger than any child ever should, but you’ve grown so much since then.
You’re strong and you’re brave and you’re in control of how you handle that fear now.
And you’re not alone. You’ll never be alone again. ”
“I want to handle it. I don’t want to be a victim. Don’t want to feel like a victim.”
“You’re a survivor, not a victim. And you’ll survive this threat too.”
“What do we do?”
I couldn’t have this conversation with her naked and so vulnerable. “Want to get dressed?”
She sighed and nodded, and I helped her up to re-dress, then pulled her back onto my lap. “This okay?”
“Yeah.” She snuggled into me. “Now what?”
“First thing is to face it head-on. No more denying or minimizing or hiding anything from each other. Deal?”
Jenna nodded. “Deal.”
“I already started talking to my contacts, and I’ll call in as many people as I need. We’re going to talk to the cops too. I’ll teach you everything I can, and I’ll be your bodyguard, all day, all night, every day until this guy’s behind bars or dead. And if it gets worse, we’re leaving.”
“Leaving?”
“I have contacts all over the country that will help us hide out if we need it. People I trust with my life and yours. I’m not taking any chances with your safety.”
“Thank you,” she said, nuzzling even closer.
“Anything for you. Always.” I wanted to promise that I’d never let her be hurt again, but we both knew I couldn’t guarantee that. I’d die trying, though.
Jenna pushed away from me and quickly stood. “I’m ready. You have weights here, right? But probably not anything I could use. Can you take me to the store to buy some? I should probably spend more time lifting than I usually do.” She looked ready to sprint to the store.
I snagged her hand. “I’ll teach you moves that you can do just the way you are. Your size is good; it will help with the element of surprise.”
“Okay, let’s go. Teach me.” Jenna bounced on the balls of her feet, hands fisted, like this was a movie and she was starting her training montage.
I’d planned on going to the police station first, but I couldn’t deny her anything.
If this is what she needed, this is what we’d do.
Besides, this was important, too. It was a rare and beautiful thing, the way she wanted to think the best of everyone, even when she had every reason not to.
If she was this amazing now with just some hope and blind faith, imagine if she also had confidence that if shit went sideways, she’d have a fighting chance of keeping herself safe…
she’d be unstoppable. Her light would brighten the whole fucking world.
I just had to figure out how to give her that without traumatizing her in the process.
I let Thor out in the yard, then came back to Jenna. “Ready?”
She nodded, steel determination in every inch of her body.
“I’m going to grab you. Scrape your foot down my shin and stomp on the top of my foot.
Use a little force to get the feel of it, but not too hard.
The beauty of everything I’m going to teach you is that it’s easy to put power behind it and you’re hitting vulnerable spots.
In real life, you’ll do it as hard as you can.
If I loosen my grip, you try to get away.
If you can’t, follow up with a fist to my dick or an elbow to my ribs.
Then try to get away. If you still can’t, repeat those moves. Got it?”
“Got it,” she said resolutely.
Don’t screw this up. I grabbed her from behind and held her tightly, but I kept some distance between our bodies. Jenna slid her foot down my shin and gently stepped on my foot, then she froze.
“Elbow. Fist to the dick.”
She did both, carefully pantomiming the moves.
I held tight to her. “Again. Harder.”
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
“I can take it if it keeps you safe. Well, not too hard on my cock.”
She repeated all the moves with a little more force, moving quickly from one to the next. I let her go and she looked at me. “Run, Jenna. Yell and run.”
She did.
“Good girl. Come back.”
I opened my arms and Jenna walked right into my embrace. I swallowed the lump in my throat and kissed the top of her head. I would’ve loved to teach her self-defense for a hypothetical threat. But now, with this fucker circling her, it killed me that we had to do this.
“Again.” I released her and walked a couple of steps away. Even for the sake of her training, I wouldn’t let a real hug turn into a threat. Not when touching her still felt tenuous.
I turned and lunged for her. She gasped in surprise when I pulled her against me.
“Fight!”
Jenna did the moves like a champ.
“Well done,” I said after I released her. I skimmed my knuckles down her jaw and tilted her head up, forcing her to meet my eyes. “You good?”
“Yeah.”
“Want to keep going or do you need a break?”
“I’m good.”
“If you want to stop, tell me to stop.”
“I’m good. I need this.”
“You’re doing great. Make some noise, too.
Yell and shout. If you can reach anything, throw it.
Break shit. Knock things over. Use anything available.
Even if it doesn’t hit him, it’ll distract him and may get someone’s attention.
Do whatever it takes to survive, Firefly. Fight with everything you have.”
“Got it. Make noise.”
“Ready?”
Jenna nodded and I grabbed her in a front bear hug.
She struggled for a quick second, then she perfectly dropped her weight, pushed my hips back, and gently kneed me in the balls.
I released her from the bear hug but held onto her wrist, and she came down on my forearm with a yell and a hard hammer strike.
I let go, and she lunged for the remote on the couch and chucked it at my head. I ducked, and it crashed into the picture of the guys and me, shattering the glass.
“Run.”
Jenna didn’t run. She froze, real fear in her eyes. Fuck.
“Firefly. Look at me.”
She stared blankly at the broken picture.
I stepped in front of her, hands loose at my sides. “Look at me.”
Her eyes shifted to mine and she blinked, awareness and tears filling those beautiful blues.
“Come here?” I opened my arms, feigning calm.