Chapter 43
CHAPTER FORTY-THREE
Jenna
Their hands. Their creepy, leering eyes.
Their penises. The bruises all over my body.
Their disgusting words. My mom’s and my dad’s guilt, and Liam’s, and John’s.
He didn’t know what his son did. And my guilt, too.
God, the crushing guilt. The woman in the park.
Children forced into pornography. And tomorrow, I’d hurt Tyler.
How could I ask if Brian did anything to him without telling him what Brian did to me?
My heart was broken, my sullied blood mixing with the filth they’d left on me. It was on me, crawling over my skin. I was spreading it to everyone I touched, and I couldn’t wash it away. I couldn’t make it go away.
“Firefly?” Liam knocked on the door. “Can I come in?”
I swiped at my eyes and tried to clear my throat. “Yeah.”
Steam billowed around Liam, making him look like a superhero. But even he couldn’t fix this. He couldn’t undo what had been done. Couldn’t take away what was on me. Inside me.
“May I come in with you?”
I nodded, and he undressed quickly and stepped into the shower, nearly filling the space.
The shower spray hit his back, his broad shoulders blocking the water.
His muscles were tense, but his eyes were soft.
His penis—cock—was soft too. His eyes roved over my face and body, narrowing as they stopped on my chest. I followed his gaze and found my skin red and raw where I’d been scrubbing.
He took the washcloth from me and tossed it onto the ledge.
Without a word, Liam soaped up his hands, took my hand in his, and washed it, thoroughly rubbing up and down each finger and around my palm and the back of my hand.
His huge hands encircled my arm, and he washed from my wrist to my armpit, not missing an inch.
He pressed my hand to his shoulder, and I clung to him as he took my other hand and did the same.
Tears streamed down my face as he silently, tenderly washed me, tears filling his eyes too.
He guided me under the hot water and rinsed the soap away. He pressed a long kiss into my left palm, then my right, his teary gaze never straying from mine.
He turned me around and washed my shoulders and back, gently massaging my aching muscles, coaxing my body to relax under his touch. He rinsed me once more under the hot water, and he rained kisses across my shoulders.
Sobs tore through me, nearly taking me to my knees, but Liam held me up, anchoring me to him. “I have you,” he whispered into my ear. He turned me to face him and tilted my face up. “So brave. So beautiful, inside and out.” He brushed his lips against mine. “So strong, Firefly. You’ve got this.”
I pulled in a shaky breath and tried to straighten up.
“That’s my girl.” When I was steady, he lathered up his hands again, and with his gaze on mine, he washed my chest, his hands gentle but firm.
He cupped my breasts, holding onto them.
Claiming them. He dropped to his knees and washed my stomach, his touch feather-light over my bruises, then he skipped down to scrub my lower legs and feet.
He looked up, his expression heavy. “Pass me the soap, please.”
He lathered up his hands, then he massaged into the muscles of my outer thighs, working his way in. I spread my legs to give him room. To give permission. His hands slid up and down my thighs, up the front and around to the back, over my butt and across my hips.
“May I?” he asked softly, and I nodded. His hand covered my mound. Tenderly and thoroughly, he washed me, his other hand steadying me, our eyes locked.
He stood and moved me under the water again, rinsing and kissing everywhere he’d washed, little pecks and open mouth kisses. “Mine,” he said against my skin. “Mine and yours, and that’s it, Firefly.”
He worked the shampoo into my hair, his fingers firm and sure against my scalp.
I closed my eyes and leaned into his touch, into him.
I tilted my head back under the water as he rinsed, letting the warmth wash over me, rinsing it all away.
Then he repeated the process with the conditioner, his hands lingering, suspending us in the moment.
With both of us enveloped in the hot water and steam, he speared his hands into my hair, holding me in place, and leaned in close, his breath feathering over my face. “All clean, Firefly. You always were. Always will be.”
“Jen Jen.” Ty was waiting by the door when we got there, and he pulled me right into a hug.
I hugged him back, my heart so happy to see him. “Hi, Teddy Bear.” The man hugging me was more like a full-grown bear, but he’d always be my Teddy Bear. “When did you get so big?”
“It’s been a while.”
His jab was fair, and it hit hard. “I’m sorry I haven’t visited in so long. And I’m really sorry I said I couldn’t go to your graduation.”
“It’s okay, just tell me what’s going on. Is it about when you were attacked?” Tyler released me, frowning at my bruised face.
I looked over at our parents hovering nervously nearby. They both looked wrecked, like they’d barely slept last night.
Liam shook Tyler’s hand, breaking some of the tension, and politely acknowledged my parents.
I greeted my parents awkwardly, and noticed that they seemed to have aged years since yesterday—since I burdened them with my issues.
I almost felt guilty, because I actually had a great night.
Liam had dried me off after the shower, dressed me in his sweats, and snuggled with me all night long, whispering beautiful words until I fell asleep safely in his arms. But then I looked back at Tyler, and any shred of guilt fell away.
If this conversation ended with Ty and me comparing stories of what Brian did to us, our parents deserved every bit of blame.
“Jen Jen, I know something’s wrong. Spill it,” Tyler pleaded.
“Okay. Sit.” I waited for him to sit, but I paced in front of him, every muscle in my body wound tight.
“So, when we were younger…” My throat tightened, and I couldn’t get the words out.
I swallowed hard and took a deep breath, trying to calm myself.
At least I knew what was coming. If my worst fear was true, I was also tearing open Tyler’s secrets with no warning.
If I expected him to handle that, I had to handle myself.
I sat on the coffee table in front of him and tried to banish my nerves, letting my worry for Ty take over. “When we were younger…Brian…did stuff to me. Touched me. Made me touch him.”
He leaped to his feet. “Are you fucking serious! Brian Belke fucking touched you?”
“Tyler, watch your mouth!”
He turned on our dad. “Watch your mouth? That’s all you have to say? Now you decide to be a parent about my fucking language? Where were you when Jenna needed you?”
“Tyler!” my mom cried.
“Jenna hated when he was here. You never cared! You were just happy to have someone to hand us off to so you could work and hobnob with your fancy friends.”
“You knew that?” I asked.
“I didn’t know about this. I swear, I didn’t know. If I knew he was hurting you, God, I would’ve killed him.” Tyler grabbed his hair with both hands, tugging at the strands. “Instead, I looked up to him. Fuck! I thought he was so cool when I was little. And then he—”
My heart stopped, my blood turning to ice. No. Please, no. “He what?”
“Fuck!” He stormed away from us, facing the wall, panting like he’d run a marathon.
I grabbed his shirt, tried to make him look at me. “Tyler, what? What did he do?”
Liam pulled me away just as Tyler punched the wall with a sickening crack. I couldn’t tell if it was the sound of the wall breaking or his knuckles. Maybe both. Or maybe my heart.
Liam pushed me behind him and stood in front of Tyler, hands loose at his sides, but I felt the tension in his muscles. “Tyler, I know this is hard, but that’s not helping Jenna. Take a minute and cool off.”
Tyler looked toward the door, breathing hard.
“Nope, not out there,” Liam said evenly. “He’s not there anyway.”
We all stood in tense silence for a long moment, my mom’s sniffles the only sound. For all the power they exuded professionally, my parents were just standing there uselessly now.
Tyler sighed. “I’m sorry, Jen Jen.”
I slid around Liam to get to Ty. Liam didn’t stop me, but he kept his hand on me. “It’s okay,” I said. “Please, tell me. Did he do things to you too?”
“No! Why would you think he did?” He sounded shocked I’d even asked, thank God.
Relief flooded me, loosening the pressure in my chest. “Just making sure. What did he do, then?”
Ty looked away, cradling his busted hand. “He talked about things he did with girls. Bragged. Said he’d tell me everything I needed to know so I could get some whenever I wanted, like him. If he was talking about you…” Tyler clenched his good fist, and Liam yanked me back.
“Sorry, I’m fine,” Ty said, looking at Liam, then back at me. “I avoided him when he was like that. He never said anything obviously bad, but it felt wrong the way he talked about it. But I never told him that. Never told him he was a sick fuck, never defended...you.” His voice faltered.
I pried Liam’s hand off my shoulder and wrapped my arms around my baby brother. He held me with his good hand. “It’s okay, Ty. You couldn’t have known. He was manipulating you. That’s what he does, and it’s not your fault. I’m so happy that’s all it was.”
Tyler stiffened. “Why did you think he did things to me too?”
My stomach dropped. I thought I’d gotten away without having to tell him anything else. “Just because of who he is,” I hedged. “You were around him too, so I just thought maybe it was possible.”
He pushed me back, holding me at arm’s length. “Jenna, you’re a shitty liar. Tell me.”
“Tyler,” Liam warned.
Dang it! I’d opened my big mouth, and now I couldn’t leave him wondering.
What if he imagined things even worse than they were?
“As far as I know, he never did anything to you,” I reassured him, in case he thought I knew something he’d somehow forgotten.
“He threatened to, but I don’t think he ever did. ”
I saw the gears turning behind his eyes, and I held my breath. Liam gripped my hip, grounding me.
“What did he threaten? Why didn’t he carry through?”
I opened my mouth, but the words wouldn’t come out. Not the ugly, true words. Instead, I said, “I don’t know. We didn’t sit around and talk about it.”
“Tell me.”
“Enough,” Liam demanded. “Let’s go to the kitchen and take care of that hand.”
“It’s fine.”
“I didn’t ask. Go.”
Tyler trudged to the kitchen. Liam followed, pulling me with him and gently pressing me against the wall just inside the doorway. I glanced from Ty to my parents, and I was glad I was here instead of with them.
Liam inspected Tyler’s hand. “Are there any bandages here?”
“There used to be a few in the linen closet with the medicine. They’re probably still there,” Tyler said.
“Firefly? Can you get them?”
I nodded and went, grateful for something to do.
Liam expertly wrapped his hand, then handed Tyler a bag of frozen corn. “Hold that on it. We need to go to urgent care for an X-ray.”
Tyler tried to resist, but a few minutes later, the three of us were on our way.
“Jenna, please,” Tyler begged from the backseat. “I need to know.”
My heart pounded. I didn’t want to tell him, but I had to.
After all this, we both deserved the full truth.
Liam put his hand on my knee, warm and steadying.
I latched onto his fingers and twisted in my seat to look back at Tyler.
“If I said no, he threatened to go to you instead. I tried to make sure he never had a reason to.”
“Jen Jen.” His voice broke on a sob.
“I’m okay, and I’d do it all again to keep you safe,” I said, the words settling peacefully around me now that it was all out.
I’d been carrying so many doubts and insecurities, but never about what I’d done for Tyler—especially now that I knew it had been enough.
“I don’t regret any of it. You’re my little Teddy Bear.
Remember I thought about staying home for college?
He’d stopped by then, but I was afraid to leave you.
Then you had that big growth spurt and started wrestling, and you were suddenly more a man than a little boy, so I thought it would be safe to go.
But I would’ve stayed and done whatever you needed. ”
He covered his face with his good hand, and his cries filled the car with the most heartbreaking sounds. “I’m so sorry.”
“It’s not your fault, Ty. It sucked, but knowing you were safe was worth it.”
“But no one was keeping you safe.”
I almost defended our parents, but it would’ve been a futile argument. He knew; he’d been there. And it felt good to tell the truth.
The doctor said nothing was broken, thank goodness. Tyler’s response was a mutter about fighting again, and not with a wall next time.
The whole drive home, Tyler and Liam bonded by fantasizing about everything they wanted to do to Brian.
At least, I hoped it was just a fantasy.
Although, I couldn’t deny that it felt good—really good—to have that kind of support.
And deep down, it also felt pretty good to imagine Brian finally getting what he deserved.
We picked up lunch from my favorite pizza place, and actually enjoyed a pleasant afternoon.
My parents had pulled themselves together while we were gone.
There were plenty of tense and awkward moments and old, familiar phoniness, but there were also enough heartfelt, genuine moments to spark hope that maybe this was the first day of something better to come.