Chapter 33
33
Dylan
“ H ow can I help?”
“Want to mash the avocados for the guac?” I asked.
“Sure.”
I put aside the tomatoes I was chopping, cut two avocados in half, de-pitted them, and passed them over to Juliette, along with a bowl, a spoon, and a fork. “That okay?”
“Yeah, I think I can handle it,” she said, rolling her eyes at me.
Before I could respond, my phone rang. Shit, it was Quint. “Quint. Everything okay?”
“Hey, Dylan. Yes, everything’s good. I was just looking at Juliette’s statement, and I have a few follow-up questions. Can you guys come down to the station this afternoon?”
“Can it wait a couple more days? Juliette only got her stitches out a few days ago and it’s still uncomfortable to talk.”
“I’m fine, I can go,” Juliette interjected.
“I’d really like to get this finished before more time goes by. I’ll keep it brief.”
Damn, I didn’t want to jeopardize the case against Kayla, but Juliette had already been through enough. “Can you come here to Juliette’s apartment? That will make it easier on her. Less walking on her sprained ankle.”
“I’d rather have her come in.”
“Quint—”
Juliette scowled at me. “Dylan, stop, it’s fine! We’ll go to the station.”
I pressed the phone against my shirt to muffle our voices. “No. It will be easier on you here.”
Juliette sighed and leaned into me. I wrapped my arm around her and pressed a kiss against her temple. Just as Quint started talking again, she reached up and snatched the phone out of my hand.
“Juls!” I yelled as she walked away and brought the phone to her ear.
“Quint, it’s Juliette. Next time please call me directly. We’ll come to the station in about an hour, okay?”
She listened while he said something I couldn’t hear.
“It’s fine. If he won’t bring me, I’ll call a friend.”
A growl built up in my chest. “You’re not going without me.”
Juliette turned her back to me. “It’ll be okay, don’t worry,” Juliette said kindly to Quint. “See you soon. Thank you.”
She hung up and spun to face me, fury and pain burning in her eyes.
“I don’t need you to speak for me or make decisions for me. I told you it was okay to go, and you ignored me.”
“Juls, I didn’t ignore you. I was trying to help.”
“By showing Quint that I can’t make my own decisions? You made me feel small to make yourself feel better.” Juliette winced and touched her lip as she spoke.
My heart dropped. “Easy, baby, don’t hurt yourself. I’m sorry if it felt like that. That’s not how I meant it.”
Juliette vibrated with anger. “Fine. I’ll just stop talking. Let’s keep making tacos. Switch though. You mash the avocado, I’ll chop the tomatoes.”
Fuck. I didn’t want to say no to her obvious challenge, but the thought of a knife anywhere near Juliette made me sick to my stomach.
The seconds dragged on, my lack of an answer sparking more rage from her, but I couldn’t give in. Separate from my admittedly irrational fear from the attack, rage-chopping tomatoes could only end in disaster.
“That’s what I thought! I’m surprised you even gave me a fork to mash with!”
“Juls...” I didn’t know what to say. She was right, but she was so wrong.
“I’m not helpless! Don’t treat me like I am!”
“I know you’re not helpless. You’re so damn strong! You’re handling all this better than I am. It’s me! I can’t deal with what happened to you because of me.”
“Dylan,” Juliette’s voice softened, but she remained stiffly out of reach. “You have to let go of your guilt. It’s not your fault Kayla screwed up her life, and it’s not your fault she hurt me. You have to let it go because your guilt is making me feel worse.”
“I don’t know how. I’d do anything to take away your pain. I hate that you got hurt.”
“I’m okay,” Juliette said, finally coming closer to me.
I dragged her into my arms. Buried my face in her neck, breathed her in, and held her like I’d never let her go. “I’m sorry, baby. The last thing I want to do is hurt you more.”
“You’ve always believed in me. You made me feel strong. But now… I’m not helpless.”
“Juls, baby.” I drew in a shaky breath. “You survived that attack, and that wasn’t a certainty. You said and did everything right, and you’ve been so resilient getting through everything since then. Thinking about you having to fight for your life, talk your way out of peril, run away from danger... The very idea of it terrifies me. I hate imagining how scared you must have felt, and it terrifies me when I think about how much worse it could have been.”
“I didn’t talk my way out of it, and I didn’t run away. I made her angrier, and I twisted my ankle.” The defeat in her voice was gut wrenching. “You knew it would happen, too. You were worried that I couldn’t get away if something happened.”
“Juls, no! I worried because I love you and don’t want you to get hurt—not because you aren’t capable of handling it. That’s about me, not you.”
Juliette’s tear-filled eyes met mine. I pressed a kiss against her forehead and held her close, praying she believed me. “I’m a caveman when it comes to you, baby. Remember? I want to cushion you against everything hard in life, not because you need it, but because you deserve it.”
She softened into me and nodded against my chest, still holding me tight.
I wanted to say more. I needed to make sure she knew without a doubt that I had the utmost confidence in her, that whatever she lacked in glibness and coordination, she more than made up for in a million other ways, but she’d had enough for one day, and the tough part hadn’t even started yet. So I let it go. For now. “Strong as fuck. You’re the best, baby.”
She started to smile at me, but her face dropped and she quickly turned away.
“What’s the matter?”
“Nothing,” she mumbled.
“Juls, does your mouth hurt?”
A long pause and then a slow nod. “Sorry.”
“Nothing to apologize for. I’m sorry for upsetting you. Let me get you painkillers.”
“My fault,” she mumbled. “Just ibuprofen.”
I hated that she was in pain and wanted to insist she take the stronger medicine. But I was smart enough to know when to stop, so I handed her two ibuprofen and a glass of water.
“Thank you,” she said. “Let’s finish the tacos. You can use the knife.” The corners of her lips tilted in the tiniest smile.
“No knives needed. We have enough cut already, unless you want more?” I held the handle to her in a peace offering, but thankfully she shook her head.
“Let’s make burrito bowls instead, okay? It’ll be easier to eat.”
Juliette nodded, and I wanted to kick my own ass.
By the time we finished cooking and eating, Juliette had relaxed and was talking again. Thank God all she’d needed was the meds and a little time to recover. She hadn’t even yelled, but just forcing the words out in anger was more strain than talking.
“You ready for this?” I asked gently as we pulled up to the station. It was too late to offer her an out. Even though I wanted to, so badly. We were going, and she needed my support. Under the best circumstances, she’d dread speaking to the cops. And now, with the pain and numbness in her lips, it was uncomfortable for her to talk, and her speech was less clear than usual. The officers would have to make sure they understood her correctly, which meant they’d ask her to repeat herself as many times as needed. I hated that for her.
Juliette nodded and held my hand, leaning some of her weight on me as she hobbled in her boot, smiling up at me as we walked in. Reassuring me. She was so incredible, so damn strong. As worried as she was, she was pretending she was okay for my benefit, and that was unacceptable. My guilt was hurting her. Making her hide from me.
A receptionist greeted us and led us down a couple of hallways and into an empty room.
“Juls,” I rushed to say before we were interrupted. I held her face gently in my hands. “I’m sorry I’ve been an ass. I know this isn’t easy, and I promise I’m not going to react with anything but support and encouragement. You don’t have to hide anything from me. It’s okay if you’re nervous or scared. I’m not going to stand in your way. I’m so damn proud of you. You’re going to do amazing.”
“You’re not an ass. And you’re right, I am nervous. But that has nothing to do with you. I just need to get through this. Later, when it’s over, we can talk about it, okay?”
I kissed her forehead. “Strong as fuck, baby.”
Juliette answered all of Quint’s questions, speaking slowly and carefully. She only had to repeat herself a couple of times. Fire raged through my veins at once again hearing everything Kayla had said and done, but Juliette was calm and composed. At the end, she got to ask the question that had been on her mind. “What will happen to Kayla?”
“She committed assault with a deadly weapon. She’s going to prison.”
“She was on drugs, right?”
“I can’t tell you that, I’m sorry.”
“Well, if she was on drugs, I think she should go to rehab, not jail. And she should get a psychiatric evaluation. Maybe she needs a psychiatric hospital.”
“I can include your request in the report, but it’s ultimately up to the judge.”
We all shook hands and thanked one another, then, finally, we were in the car on the way back to her place.
We hadn’t been back to my apartment yet and I didn’t know when we would be. She’d been hurt in my home, a place that should be safe for her. Juliette said she was okay being there, but I wasn’t ready. I’d never get over the sight of her bleeding and scared, a knife at her throat and guns aimed inches away from her.
A few minutes into the drive, Juliette deflated. Her breath whooshed out of her, and she slumped in the seat, as though without that tension holding her together, she was left with nothing.
I put a hand on her thigh and pressed a little harder on the gas.
Finally home, I wrapped my arm around her waist, led her in, and sat her down on the couch. Juliette leaned into me, not trying at all to hide her exhaustion and relief. I removed her boot, propped her foot up on a pillow, and wrapped a blanket around her. That was the most she had done since the attack. It would be stressful for anyone, and putting as much effort into her speech as she did had taken a toll on her.
“Do you want anything? Tea or coffee?”
“Hot chocolate?”
“Coming right up. Anything to eat?”
“Not yet.”
I went to the kitchen to make her a frothed hot chocolate topped with whipped cream. Today’s disagreement aside, it had been nice taking care of Juliette for the past two weeks. I hated that she was hurt, but I loved finding new little things that I could do to make her happy.
I cuddled up next to her, pulling her against my side, careful not to jostle her, and handed her the hot chocolate.
“Thank you. You’re spoiling me.”
“It’s not even close to enough. I wish I could take away all your pain.”
I felt Juliette sigh against me. I bit back more apologies. I had to end this pattern of volleying our guilt and worry back and forth. I hated that she suffered at the hands of my ex, hated how the weak decisions I’d made so long ago were now haunting her as well. She hated that I was carrying this worry and guilt, and the more I showed it, the more she hid her feelings. Worse, she took my worry as a sign that I thought she wasn’t capable.
I’d known it, but now that she actually said it to me, it hit differently. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt her.
She’d suffered too much already. We were both scared that her speech would be permanently impacted. I’d love her no matter what, but it would devastate her, and me for her.
“You were amazing today, baby. So brave. So good-hearted. I’m so proud of you.”
“Thank you. I’m just glad it’s over. Thanks for staying with me.”
“Always. I love you.”
“I love you too, Dylan.”
Her touch and her words eased the pressure that had been in my chest since our earlier argument. We needed to talk about it, but first she needed to rest. “Want to watch a nature documentary?”
“Sure.”
I smiled to myself. Juliette pretended to like watching them, but she’d be asleep within minutes. I put her empty mug on the coffee table and caressed her as she snuggled deeper against me. Sure enough, her breath evened out just as the cubs ambled from their cave on the screen.
Her soft weight on me must have lulled me to sleep too because next thing I knew, her ringing phone woke me up. I reached over to silence it as quickly as I could, but Juliette was already up.
“Hi, Mom,” she said into the phone as she slowly sat up.
“Sweetheart, how are you feeling? Are you okay? Are you still hurting?”
“I’m fine. How are you?”
“I’m good, darling. Is Dylan taking good care of you?”
Juliette blushed. Even though the phone wasn’t on speaker, she knew I was close enough to hear every word.
“He’s been amazing, Mom. He’s taking such good care of me, cooking for me, making sure I take the antibiotics and putting ointment on my cuts, always making sure I’m comfortable, keeping me entertained, everything I?—”
“Okay, sweetheart. I can tell I must have woken you up. I can’t understand anything you’re saying, but it doesn’t matter. I just wanted to make sure you’re alright.”
“End it now,” I growled under my breath.
Juliette nodded without looking at me.
“I gotta go, Mom. Goodnight.”
“Okay, bye, I just wanted to say—” I took the phone from Juliette’s hand and pushed the red button to end the call.
“Juls—” I started.
“It’s okay,” she interrupted, but I interrupted that garbage right back.
“That was not okay. How dare she talk to you that way? No one should talk to anyone that way, especially a mother to her child. Besides the fact that she was rude, she was wrong. I understood every word you said. And everything you say matters. You matter. She wasn’t even trying to listen to you.” Fury pounded through my veins.
“Dylan, stop.” Juliette put her hand on my cheek, her thumb over my lips. “Thank you. I like that you’re angry at her for me.”
At least she didn’t try to defend her mom or deny that it hurt. I placed my hand over hers and leaned into her touch, kissing her thumb. “Tell me that you know she’s wrong.”
“That’s just the way it is with her. She rarely understands me. Our conversations are usually short and frustrating. That’s part of the reason why I only talk to her when I’m alone.”
“What’s the other reason?”
“Well, that’s mostly it. I’m usually in a bad mood after a conversation like that and I don’t want to waste our time together being in a bad mood. Also...it’s embarrassing.”
That pissed me off. And explained a lot of Juliette’s insecurities. “I’m sorry she upsets you. But she should be embarrassed, not you. You know that she’s wrong, right?”
Juliette shrugged.
Fuck that. “Baby, she is wrong. It’s on her for not trying harder to listen to you. Even now, with your speech a little more affected, I understand everything you say. And if there’s something I don’t get, I always ask. How can your mom think your words don’t matter? It’s her, not you.”
“You don’t count. You and Audrey are the only ones who always understand me.”
“That’s because we love you. We listen with our hearts.” Too late, it hit me what I’d accidentally insinuated. “Not that your mom doesn’t love you too,” I added, trying to take the sting out of my words.
“You’re right. I know she loves me, but it’s a different kind of love. The love you and Audrey have for me is with full acceptance of me, exactly as I am. I love you so much for loving me like that.”
“I do love you exactly as you are, baby. Your dyspraxia is part of what makes you so kindhearted. Hell, even after what Kayla did to you, what she put you through, you still care about what happens to her.”
“I don’t believe you would have ever loved someone so evil. There must be a good person in there who has just lost her way.”
“I don’t care where she goes, as long as she’s no longer a threat to you.”
“Hey, you’re right!” Juliette grinned. “There was a threat to me and now it’s over!”
“I don’t know why you sound happy about that.” I frowned.
“We got it out of the way and we’re relatively unscathed. You told me how all the firefighters from Station 7 went through terrible things before getting their happily ever afters. This was ours and now we can enjoy our happily ever after!”
I gasped, partly for real and partly for dramatic effect. “Take it back! You can’t say that!”
“What?” Juliette giggled, but as much as I loved the sound, I couldn’t let it go.
“Every firefighter knows there are some things you can never, ever say, and you just did.”
“What?” Juliette repeated with a huge smile.
“No, I don’t even want to say it now.”
“Whisper it to me?”
I sighed, wishing she would get it without making me say the words. I knew it was a silly superstition, but it seemed to be true too often.
I brushed her short curls behind her ear and whispered, “No one is allowed to say that it’s been a quiet shift because that’s when the shit hits the fan. No one is allowed to say that it’s going to be easy because that’s when shit gets hard. So take back your words before you jinx us.”
Juliette laughed and kissed me, and I got so lost in her love, I didn’t realize until much later that she never took back her words.