Broken
Tsunami of pain
“You are safe with me,” he murmurs in a gentle voice.
Those words radiate through me and seem to release the floodgate of emotion I’ve been holding back for years.
I begin howling in pain as my soul pours out the anguish I’ve held inside since the day of my father’s death.
I wasn’t allowed to cry in front of my mother, so I cried into my pillow every night instead.
For my entire childhood, I never once gave voice to the pain that is ripping through me now.
Instead of telling me to hush, Tono joins me on the mat. Sitting behind me, he wraps me in his comforting embrace and rocks me back and forth as all of that pain comes bubbling up.
Safe…
I hold on desperately to that promise as my buried grief engulfs me. The fear and loneliness I felt as a little six-year-old has finally found a voice. “My mother…” I clear my throat, swallowing down the huge lump lodged there. “…she lied to me.” My throat closes up, and I start gulping for breath.
“Breathe,” he reminds me.
I fill my lungs with air and struggle to let out a slow, ragged breath.
“Find my breath again,” he instructs.
Forcing myself to concentrate on breathing and not the painful emotions swirling like a tempest inside me allows me to eventually find his breath again.
I have no idea how long it takes, but the instant my breath falls into sync with his, I feel a sliver of peace that I can cling to.
And I hold onto it as he gently rocks me.
Whether it’s been minutes or hours, I can’t tell. But eventually, I find my voice again. “My mother told me he died instantly in the car crash, and I believed her…”
“What happened?” he asks solemnly.
My bottom lip trembles when I tell him, “I came across an old article about the crash when I was in high school. He didn’t…” My throat closes up, and I can’t force the words out. Instead, I shake my head violently.
Tono tightens his embrace and continues to rock me.
Tears fall unabated as I force myself to voice the truth I’ve never been brave enough to say out loud.
“When his car was hit, it fell down an embankment…” I sob, envisioning it in my head.
“Several bystanders stopped to help, but gas was leaking from the car and…” I gasp for breath. “They couldn’t pry the door open…”
My throat closes up, and the words fail to come.
“Take your time,” Tono urges.
I close my eyes, concentrating on his breath until the knot in my throat loosens enough for me to speak the truth I’ve held in secret for so long.
“My daddy was beating on the window when smoke started billowing inside the car, but no matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t get to him.
Afraid for their own lives…” I let out a heartbroken sob, “…they left him there.”
I sit there moaning in pain as if I were there watching him die. “One bystander said she would never forget his screams…”
I feel as if I’m there in the car with my father, feeling the terrible heat of the fire raging around me as my skin burns off.
Tono wraps me even tighter in his embrace. “You are safe, hotaru.”
I hold onto his words, crying out between my sobs, “He died…such a terrible death…”
“Yes,” he agrees in a calm yet forceful voice.
“I hate my mother for expecting me to move on after the funeral without ever mourning his death.”
“Mourn him now,” Tono commands quietly as he wipes away my tears with the sleeve of his kimono. “Let out all of the pain and sorrow you have been carrying since you were a child.”
I shake my head. “I can’t. I’m afraid that once I start, it will never stop.”
“The tears will stop when you are ready, and I won’t leave until they do.”
My eyes fill with fresh tears as I glance back at him. I see nothing but patience in those gentle brown eyes. My bottom lip starts trembling again, and I cry, “I miss him so much! Everything changed after I lost him.”
Tono nods, tears welling up in his own eyes. “Yes.”
Leaning into me, he squeezes me tighter as the soothing melody of the flute fills the room. Feeling safe in his arms, I allow my pain to be released in a torrent of screams and tears. I hold nothing back as I embrace the heartbreak of losing my father and imagine the terrible way that he died.
“Daddy!” A scream is ripped from deep within as I look upward and cry out to heaven. “I feel so lost without you!” I don’t hold anything back, letting every agonizing emotion and thought pour out as I give my grief a voice.
The experience of facing such pain head-on is terrifying, but Tono accepts and encourages me without needing to speak. And I release all of the unspoken things I’ve been trained to ignore since I was a child. I have no idea how much time passes before I crumple to the floor in a fetal position.
Finally quiet, with my body completely spent, I have to force myself up into a sitting position.
I stare at my reflection through the tiny slits of my swollen red eyes.
I don’t even recognize my blotchy face. I would be embarrassed, but Tono takes out a soft cloth from his bag and begins gently cleaning my face with the same look of concentration he wore when he was binding me.
Once finished, he looks me in the eyes and smiles. “You are new again.”
I let out a gasp because I do feel different.
I realize all of the painful weight that I’ve carried inside has been lifted. The sadness is still a part of me, but all of those buried feelings are free now, and don’t have the same power over me.
I laugh softly, amazed at how light I feel. “I’ve never felt like this before.”
“You did once, hotaru,” he states with certainty.
I tilt my head, wondering what he means, then let out a peal of laughter realizing he’s right. “When I was a little girl.”
His nods. “You will feel whole once you carve out time to reacquaint yourself with that part of you.”
I take in a deep breath and let it out slowly, unable to fathom the newfound joy I have found.
Tono leans in and kisses me lightly on the lips. “Our work tonight is done.”
Looking at him in wonder, I discover I have no words to express the depth of my gratitude.
“I think you should speak to your mother.” When I open my mouth to protest, he states, “Not now, and only when you feel ready. It may take many years, but I think it will benefit you both.” I notice sadness in his eyes when he adds, “I speak from personal experience.”
Although I know almost nothing about this man, after tonight’s session, I trust Tono Nosaka on a level I never thought possible. He’s seen me at my most vulnerable and managed to calm the tsunami of raging emotions that swept me away.
“How can I ever properly thank you?” I ask as he helps me to my feet and begins dressing me.
“We are kindred spirits, hotaru. There is no need,” he explains. “Take what you have learned and move forward with confidence.”
I blush, emboldened by his words.
As he escorts me to the door, I ask him shyly, “May I ask what hotaru means?”
He nods, smiling when he answers, “Firefly.”
I’m incredibly touched by his sweet pet name.
“Peace be with you, hotaru.”
“You as well, Tono,” I answer, bowing to him. When I return to the classroom to get my belongings, I’m surprised to find it empty. Checking my phone, I see that it’s three in the morning. Turning off the classroom lights, I shake my head unable to believe so much time has passed!
I feel even more grateful to Tono Nosaka as I exit the hotel. Instead of feeling broken after such an emotional session, I find myself in a pleasant daze. I look up at the night sky and smile.
“I miss you, Daddy.”
Tonight, I don’t feel the familiar stab of pain in my heart when I say those words. Instead, I’m overcome with a sense of joy.