18AshThanksgiving
Ash
Thanksgiving
Ash drank half his bourbon in one gulp and stared at Rowan’s unlit fire pit.
Rose had ended up staying a week while Forest’s crew upgraded her house to something more resilient than sliding glass doors. Ash had taken a step back from events, and that meant less time with Harper, and then all of his texts to Harper had gotten weird and stilted.
It wasn’t his family’s fault that he hadn’t gotten to talk to Harper for a week, but it was his brother’s fault that Rose had made alternative plans for Thanksgiving. And it was their fault that every time their childhood got mentioned, they seemed to go out of their way to say something hurtful.
Ash took another sip. He could feel the alcohol buzzing in his veins.
It was too cold to be standing in the backyard without an overcoat on.
He ought to go back up to the porch and sit under the heat lamp.
Rowan hadn’t seemed mad at him. Of course, as usual, Rowan had also agreed with Forest. The two of them could never see the good things about their mother.
The worst part was that sometimes Ash thought they were right.
Ash knew things were weird with Harper, but he missed her, so he tossed off something that he hoped didn’t sound too drowned in self-pity.
He hit send on the message and was relieved when Harper immediately texted back.
She was hating her Thanksgiving, too. The tiny little message made him feel infinitely less alone.
Maybe we can both fly to Cancun next year. See you next week when you get home?
He waited for a reply and hoped he hadn’t screwed everything up with her. She was the best thing that had happened to him in years, and he couldn’t believe he was somehow managing to let her slip through his fingers. Why were inventions, business, and widgets so easy but people so hard?
Yes, please.
He breathed out a sigh of relief.
Margaritas and sunshine next year, I swear.
He hit send on that and then glanced back at Rowan on the porch. Forest had come back out, and Ash was surprised. Forest usually left—didn’t come back—and then would show up in a week and pretend the fight had never happened. Reluctantly, Ash went back up to the porch.
“But if I can do it, you can do it,” said Forest confidently to Rowan. “My point is that every time I do something that I consider baseline parenting—not even A level—I realize all over again just how crappy a parent Mom was, and I get more angry.”
“She had reasons,” said Ash, gritting his teeth as Forest looked up in surprise. “And this is why she won’t come to family events.”
“Yeah, all my fault. Hashtag sorry, not sorry,” said Forest dismissively.
Ash felt his eye twitch. He could not believe his brother had just said hashtag in all seriousness. Sometimes, his brothers seemed decades older instead of just a few years.
“I didn’t say you. I said this . She knows she was bad at parenting. She was escaping an abusive relationship, and she was self-medicating.”
“She’s an alcoholic,” said Forest bluntly.
“No, she has depression, anxiety, and PTSD from our dipshit father, which, yeah, she treated with alcohol.”
Ash expected Forest to yell and leave again. The topic of their mother had never gone well before, but Ash had reached the point where he couldn’t keep his mouth shut. Ash braced for impact, but Forest didn’t move.
“I can acknowledge that she had issues,” said Forest, slowly, “but it doesn’t change the facts about our childhood.”
“Those aren’t the only facts,” said Ash impatiently. “I remember pancakes. You remember them, too. It was fun. You don’t get to hate them now. Or maybe you do, but you don’t get to make me hate them.”
“Pancakes and casseroles,” muttered Forest, rubbing his hand through his beard and looking over his shoulder.
Ash followed Forest’s glance through the window, where Chloe and Vivian were playing with Olly in the living room.
There was a heated foam sword battle going on.
Ash had felt relieved at Halloween to find that Chloe was great with Olly.
But today, he’d also been surprised to discover that Forest was very protective of his nanny.
It annoyed Ash; he didn’t see why Chloe got to be as weird as she liked while Ash had to be normal.
“You’re right,” Forest said, and Ash tried to hide his surprise. “What I’m feeling are things I’m trying to deal with. I shouldn’t try to make you feel them, too. But what’s been really hard for me is the lack of acknowledgment from Mom. Or, frankly, from you.”
“You get plenty of acknowledgment from him,” said Ash bitterly, gesturing to Rowan with his glass.
“I get it. You two know so much better. But I don’t want to trash talk Mom!
She doesn’t want to come to anything because she knows damn well that you two are sitting there judging her!
Do you know how much anxiety she gets just leaving the house?
How many presents she’s bought for Olly but then gets scared to send?
Forest, you’ve had a panic attack. Why can’t you empathize?
I love Mom. I don’t know how both of you can’t. ”
“I love her,” said Rowan. “Or I wouldn’t have paid off her mortgage. Unfortunately, I have a tough time spending more than about an hour with her without wanting to put my fist through a wall.”
Ash was silent. He knew Rowan had transferred a bunch of the bills to himself when he’d gone into the service, but he hadn’t realized that their mother had never taken them back. He felt a chunk of guilt in his stomach like a lead weight.
“Thank you both for saying that,” Forest said, breathing a sigh of relief.
“Uh,” said Ash, glancing uncertainly at Rowan. “Was that sarcasm?”
“No, I’ve just spent a lot of time with Chloe, and I finally realized why she says it.”
“Care to enlighten the rest of us?” asked Rowan.
“She says it because we can’t reach understanding if we don’t tell each other the truth.
Ash feels shut out. I feel like everyone is gaslighting me.
Rowan just wants everyone to be all right.
It’s fine. None of us are wrong. And it makes me feel so much better hearing what you’re feeling.
I’m sorry, Ash. I don’t want to trash talk Mom, and I do remember pancakes.
I remember superhero days and midnight sprinkler runs in the park. ”
Involuntarily, Ash chuckled at the memory of dashing across the neighborhood in the dark to play in park sprinklers. “Those were the best.”
“But please, can you remember that Rowan was the one who cooked us dinner?”
Ash glanced guiltily at Rowan. “I know Rowan took care of us.”
Rowan made a frustrated noise.
“And I remember you cooking me dinner, too,” said Ash. “I know that the two of you did everything for me. I’m sorry I couldn’t ever help.”
Couldn’t help? Or didn’t help? The guilt in his stomach expanded.
“You were six,” said Rowan drily.
“What are you talking about?” demanded Forest. “You used to carry all the beef jerky when we shoplifted at the 7-11.”
“Forest!” gasped Rowan.
“What? Ash was the perfect wingman. He was so damn cute. No one ever suspected him. We got away with so much shit because of him. He was the best lookout, too.”
“Two-foot taps means someone’s coming,” said Ash automatically.
“Oh, my God,” said Rowan, covering his face with his hand.
“What?” repeated Forest.
“Juvenile delinquents, the pair of you.”
“Ash is worried he didn’t contribute. Clearly, he’s forgotten some key details, and I’m just saying he’s an indispensable member of the team.”
“Can we be a team if we all want different things?” asked Ash, although he felt warmer at Forest’s words.
“We don’t want different things,” objected Rowan. “We want Team Valkyrie to succeed. But we’re negotiating how to respect our various MOS as we move forward.”
Forest looked completely blank, but Rowan had used the abbreviation enough that Ash had looked it up and memorized it.
“Military Operational Specialty,” Ash muttered toward Forest.
“Thanks. I was never getting there,” said Forest.
“We have different tactical specialties,” said Rowan. “Forest has always had to keep an eye on reality because I will just put my head down and charge ahead regardless of what’s going on, and Ash, you know you will wander off when left unsupervised.”
“There are a lot of shiny rocks and flowers out there. I get distracted.” Ash tried to say it with a laugh, but he remembered Rowan’s frustration when Ash had tried to show him cool rocks in childhood.
“Yes, and that means that Forest is left trying to keep us connected. That’s not easy when we’re pulling him in opposite directions.”
“I’m burned out,” said Forest abruptly. “I know I used to be better at keeping everyone connected. But I’m burned out. Vera’s death, taking care of Olly, and then managing the business... I’m at my limit.”
Ash wanted to facepalm himself. He’d been so wrapped up in his own stuff that he hadn’t been able to see that Forest was drowning.
“I don’t want Mom here because it makes my fucking anxiety so high that I get headaches,” continued Forest and Ash grimaced.
That was not a good space for anyone to be in.
“I physically can’t deal with her. I’m not saying it will always be that way, but that is where I’m at right now.
If she wants to send a present for Olly or something. .. I guess that’s fine.”
“I think she just wants to see him. I forward her pictures sometimes.” Ash stole a look at Forest, expecting anger. Instead, Forest looked relieved.
“Great. Perfect. Then I don’t have to think about it.”
Ash hesitated. If Forest was exhausted and not mad, maybe he could take something off Forest’s plate and help their mother?
“Uh... So what if I took him to see Mom?”
Forest’s eye twitched. “Um... Maybe... Maybe set up a lunch or a play date with Chloe?”
“Yeah, OK. I could do that.” Maybe.
“We can check with Chloe in a minute,” Forest said, and Ash raised an eyebrow. No one checked with the nanny for that kind of thing. Nannies got told what to do. Forest was totally sleeping with her.
“I’ll try to help more,” said Ash. Not that he knew how. “I know I’ve been a little absent lately.”
“You’ve been busy,” said Forest. “Your business is important.”
Ash looked at Rowan. The answer was so typical of Forest. No wonder Forest was burned out. He never put himself first. Rowan gave Ash a smile that said he knew what Ash was thinking.
“OK,” said Ash with an eye-roll. “Well, for the sake of Team Valkyrie, I think I will make a little more effort.”
“You know,” said Forest, “whatever else is going on—this is the team I count on.”
“Team Valkyrie?” asked Rowan, lifting his glass, a smile stretching across his face.
“Goddamn, right,” said Forest, grabbing his glass. “I wouldn’t have made this far without both of you.”
Ash held out his glass.
“To Team Valkyrie and being honest,” said Rowan.
They clicked their glasses and drank.