Chapter 8 #2
“Then you be as helpful as you need to be.” All the tension melted from Anders at my agreement. I didn’t have the first clue about what exactly he was asking me for, but I was going to figure it out.
“Sorry to interrupt,” the server said with a polite clearing of his throat. “I forgot to confirm earlier, the check is together, right?”
“Yeah, it’s together,” I answered before Anders had a chance to contradict me. “We’re together.”
“Did you always know you wanted to live here?”
After dinner, I’d suggested we walk along the waterfront to work off some of what we’d eaten, and Anders hadn’t hesitated before agreeing.
It wasn’t a race. We wandered down Main Street, looking in windows, stopping to take in the micro-gardens and bits of public art the city had cultivated in every available spot.
“Pretty much. I knew I’d be taking over the family business, and it was centered here, so it was never really a consideration to go anywhere else.”
I knew Anders hadn’t meant the question in the way I wanted to take it. It felt very much like a get-to-know-you question on a first date. I knew damn well that Anders didn’t consider this a first date, and I wasn’t even sure why that bothered me as much as it did.
We made our way down to the marina, walking along the wooden pathways, stopping every once in a while to admire the boats docked in the slips.
The wind off the water was chilly, and I noticed Anders didn’t drift too far away.
His hands stayed jammed in his pockets. I made a mental note to remember he got cold easily.
The lapping of the water against the rocky shoreline left a quiet rhythm for us to follow, but the questions I had couldn’t be put off.
The silence between us was too much, and I wanted to understand what he needed from me.
The urge to provide him with everything he desired was too strong to allow him to navigate this on his own.
“Anders, I have some questions about what it is you need.”
The sigh that followed made me smile a little, and I had to turn away. It was long-suffering and dramatic. Very Anders. Well, very Anders when he didn’t have his walls and protections up, which I suspected was the real version of him. And I damn sure wanted more of that.
“I knew this part was coming, and I’ve been dreading it since dinner,” Anders said, shaking his head.
One of his braids came loose with the motion and fell along the side of his face.
The urge to tuck it back into place made my fingers twitch, and I clenched my hands inside my pockets to keep them to myself.
Anders was a contradiction all on his own.
His size and long blond hair made people think he was some kind of marauding Viking, ready to tear things apart.
But the moment he spoke, his soft voice and gentle vibe were impossible to miss.
It pissed me off that anyone—especially that dick of an ex-boyfriend—had failed to see it.
Anders gave until there was nothing left of himself, and that worried me.
The last thing I wanted was to be someone who took advantage of that. Even if his need to be useful was real, I’d never forgive myself for getting the balance wrong.
“I want to make sure you get what you need. From me. I want to make sure you get what you need from me.”
When he shivered again, I moved closer to him. Anders shot me a grateful smile, but that didn’t fix the chill. If he got sick, our project would be delayed. That was the only reason I pulled my hand out and clasped his in mine.
Anders shot me a look but didn’t pull away.
His palm was warm, a little dry, and bigger than mine.
Experimentally, I brushed my thumb over the top of his fingers.
His nails were cut short and neat. As a precaution against the cold, I laced our fingers together and squeezed lightly.
Before I could think more about what the hell I was doing, I started walking… for the heat.
“I’m not sure how to answer that question.”
“Fair enough. It was a broad statement. How about you tell me what a good day would like for you if you were as useful as you wanted to be.”
Fuck, I couldn’t force my thumb to stay still. On its own accord, I rhythmically rubbed against the skin on the back of Anders’s hand. Pangs of awareness shot through me with each movement. I wasn’t sure how Anders was receiving it. The only thing I knew for certain was that he didn’t pull away.
“I like thinking about the details people sometimes forget in their lives, like making sure their coffee is fixed the way they like it and brought to them in the way that’s most convenient.
People sometimes forget to iron their collars and cuffs, and it’s nice if someone does it for them.
Making sure their glasses are next to their book, or their lunch is ready at the time they prefer.
And when they have beautiful leather shoes, making sure they’re properly shined.
I’d want their house to be tidy and neat for them so their time at home is good for them. ”
Anders sounded both embarrassed and resolute, like he knew exactly what he wanted but was ashamed to say it aloud.
“That sounds like a godsend. May I ask what you get out of it?” My question hung in the air while Anders considered it. When he didn’t answer right away, I added, “Is it just feeling useful?”
“Yes. No. Yes, it is feeling useful, but there’s more to it than that.
” Anders visibly gathered his thoughts, and I bit my tongue to avoid rushing him.
My hand never left his. I felt him squeeze me softly, and I returned the pressure.
His shoulders dropped as he continued, “It settles something inside me, and I can’t give it a name or an explanation, but it calms and centers me. And I need it more than anything.”
“Is that what you gave John?”
“It’s what I tried to give John, but…” Anders’s voice trailed off, and he didn’t finish the sentence. He stopped at the railing and looked out over the water. The sunset in the channel framed a late boat. “I wasn’t good enough.”
The regret and shame in Anders’s voice pissed me the fuck off.
There was no way on this goddamn Earth that he’d been the one lacking.
John was a prick who didn’t appreciate a goddamn thing, and who the fuck was he to tell Anders that someone who turned himself inside out to care for someone else wasn’t good enough.
“Are you okay?” Anders asked softly. “I didn’t mean to upset you. I’m sorry.”
“Why do you think I’m upset?”
“Because if your jaw gets any tighter, I’m worried you’ll break teeth.”
I forced myself to take a few deep breaths because there was no fucking way Anders needed to take on my reaction.
“Is it too much? Of course it’s too much. I must sound like an absolute freak.” Anders pulled his hand out of mine and took his phone out of his pocket. “Rory will love this shot. He’s got a thing about sunsets.”
I knew the importance Anders was putting on the photograph was a facade, covering what he suspected my reaction was. He lifted his phone to take a picture of the bay when an older couple walking by paused.
“What a gorgeous sunset. You and your boyfriend should get a picture with it,” the man said as he walked past.
Anders and I both looked around to see who he was talking to.
“Are you talking to us, sir?” I asked.
“Of course I am,” he said. “Here, give me your phone, and I’ll take a picture so you can have a shot of both of you with the sunset. It really is gorgeous tonight.”
The older man directed us to stand in front of the railing, and Anders and I didn’t really stop or object. He’d called us boyfriends, and it seemed petty to correct him. There was no harm in it. The man took several pictures just as the sun dipped below the horizon.
“Stand closer together so we can get you and the sun,” he directed.
I moved closer to Anders and wrapped my arm around his shoulder. His hand landed around my waist. I angled him in closer so he was cradled against me. The smile I gave was wide and open. Anders’s was soft and a little hesitant.
The man showed us the pictures he’d taken. Each one was a slight variation, but in all of them, Anders looked beautiful. The kindness in his eyes radiated like a beacon in a storm.
“Thank you so much for taking our picture,” Anders said.
If you didn’t know him, it sounded friendly. But I did know him. I’d been studying his voice for weeks now, and it sounded wooden and stilted, like he wasn’t sure what to say but knew words had to come out.
“You’re very welcome. Enjoy the rest of your evening,” the man said before walking off.
It wasn’t his fault that we were left standing there, both of us a little stunned by the implications of what he’d said.
“Well, I guess that’s not a picture Rory is going to get,” Anders said under his breath.
“Yes, it is.”
“What was that?”
“Send the picture.”