Chapter 9
CHAPTER NINE
The soft clink of cutlery and the mouthwatering scent of chicken and rosemary filled the kitchen as Emma eyed the bowl of roasted vegetables in the middle of the table.
She always warred with herself when it came to a second helping, but Vanessa’s roast potatoes were the best she’d ever tasted.
How could she possibly leave them to go to waste?
The evening light spilled in through the window over the kitchen sink, lighting up her wife’s face in the most beautiful of ways.
If Emma didn’t concentrate, she was going to choke on the forkful of chicken she’d just shoved into her mouth.
Vanessa seemed calm tonight. Her shoulders were relaxed, and her blonde hair was pulled into a loose bun that always unravelled by the end of the night.
Emma watched her across the table. She absently stroked her fingers up and down the stem of her glass, her plate pushed slightly to the side as if she was in two minds about finishing the last of her food.
She often did that when something was on her mind.
Emma reached for the bowl of roasted vegetables, trying to keep the atmosphere at the level it was currently at. “So, how was therapy today?”
Vanessa glanced up, regarding Emma with a small smile. “Heavy. But good.”
Emma nodded slowly but waited for Vanessa to expand. She’d learned not to push during these conversations. Vanessa would say what was on her mind when she was ready to.
“We spoke about the anniversary.” Vanessa lifted her glass and took a small sip of white wine.
She spoke quietly, but her eyes were bright, and Emma knew that she was progressing in the right direction.
She’d had a moment or two over the last twelve months, but it was nothing Emma wouldn’t expect.
“I explained how I’d forgotten it was coming up and that you’d taken me out to celebrate.
It felt strange talking about it, almost as strange as the night you mentioned it at dinner.
I just…how can something so big only be a year ago? ”
Emma understood where Vanessa was coming from.
Perhaps a part of her had pushed it from her mind entirely whenever she could, but Emma didn’t have that ability.
She could still remember the hospital room Vanessa lay in.
The brightness of the corridors. The sterile smell.
She remembered holding onto Vanessa’s hand as though her wife would vanish before her very eyes if she dared to let go. Emma remembered all of it.
“I thought I’d be over it by now, but it seems not.
” Vanessa cast her eyes to the table as she cleared her throat.
“What I’ve lost is forever there at the back of my mind.
I just choose not to think about it. The grief, the anger, it’s all still there…
no matter how much I wish it would just fade away. ”
Emma reached across the table and took Vanessa’s hand. These conversations were important. Emma hoped Vanessa knew just how much support she had. “I hope you know there’s no timescale, babe. That there isn’t some finish line you’re waiting to cross.”
Vanessa gazed back at her, smiling but also carrying that uncertainty in her eyes that Emma had familiarised herself with since the surgery.
“I miss the way I used to feel in my skin. I miss the confidence I had. It’s like I’m learning to live in a new body, a new version of myself…
and to be honest, I don’t always like her. ”
Emma squeezed Vanessa’s hand and grinned. “I like her. I love her. All of her.”
“You’re biased.”
Emma shrugged. “Maybe, but I’m also right.”
They sat in silence for a while, a silence that didn’t need to be filled. As a couple, they’d never filled the room with pointless chatter. They’d always been comfortable sitting quietly, mulling over things in their mind.
“I know.”
And now, it was time for dessert. “You finished here, babe?”
“Yes, thank you.” Vanessa wiped her mouth on a napkin and relaxed back in her seat. “What’s for afters tonight?”
“Your favourite. I thought we could eat it on the couch instead of out here.” Emma rose to her feet and rounded the table, pressing a kiss to Vanessa’s temple as she started to clear away. “Two spoons?”
“Definitely.” Vanessa caught Emma’s wrist as she moved away, also getting to her feet and leaning in, capturing Emma’s lips in a heated, spine-tingling kiss. “Thank you for always asking me how I’m doing. It means more than you know.”
“You know I’m only interested in how you’re feeling.
It’s important to me.” Emma knew that their communication skills had improved over the last several months.
She didn’t feel on edge anymore if she dared to question Vanessa’s mood.
“You go into the living room and get comfy, and I’ll bring the dessert through. ”
Emma gathered the plates on the dining table and carried them towards the dishwasher.
She could load it up later, once she’d relaxed for a while with Vanessa in her arms. She quickly took two spoons from the drawer and made a beeline for the freezer.
She’d picked up Vanessa’s favourite mint choc chip ice cream on the way back from a run this morning, knowing tonight was just that kind of night.
It often was when Vanessa had spent the afternoon with her therapist.
When she reached the living room, the fire roaring and heating the place to perfection, Vanessa sat on the couch with her knees pulled up to her chest. It wasn’t a pose Emma had seen her in much before everything had changed, but it signalled a comfortable night for them, and Emma wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.
Still, it made Emma’s heart ache a little.
As though Vanessa didn’t know just how beautiful she was when she let her guard down.
But to Emma, Vanessa was more beautiful than ever when she allowed her vulnerability to show.
She smiled as she sat down beside Vanessa, ripping the lid from the tub of ice cream and shoving two spoons into it. “There you go. Just like that.”
“You may well bring two spoons, but I have seen you dipping your finger into the ice cream before when you think nobody is looking.”
Emma laughed, shrugging as she helped herself to a spoonful. “Who says I was trying to be subtle?”
Vanessa simply smiled as they passed the ice cream back and forth.
Then she cleared her throat, and Emma knew it was about to get deep again.
“I…told my therapist I still have dreams about it all. I’ll be getting dressed or looking in the mirror, and everything is just the way it used to be.
” Vanessa slouched against Emma. “And then I wake up and nothing is the same, and it never will be again.”
Emma frowned. This was new information. “Babe, why didn’t you tell me you’ve been having dreams?”
“I don’t know.” Vanessa stared down into the pale green ice cream, the chocolate swirls melting throughout it. “But…it’s not even about the scars. It’s more about the disconnection I feel. How can I feel disconnected from the skin I live in? It doesn’t make sense.”
Emma leaned in and kissed Vanessa’s cheek. “I’m not sure it’s supposed to make sense, unfortunately. But your body is doing the best it can for you. Even when it doesn’t feel like it, it’s still yours and it still loves you. You have to love it right back.”
Vanessa turned to Emma with a softness in her eyes. “You always say things like that. Like you believe them.”
“Because I do. I find it easier to believe in you than anything else in life.”
Vanessa didn’t say anything. Instead, she reached out a hand and traced Emma’s lips with her fingertips. As though she was memorising this moment for those days when life felt heavy. “You’ve been here through it all,” She whispered. “You didn’t have to be.”
“Actually, I did.” Emma kissed Vanessa’s fingertips. “There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.”
Vanessa’s hand lingered against Emma’s face for a moment or two, and then she pulled back and shook her head.
“You should probably take this ice cream from me before I eat the lot, and it makes my arse huge.” Vanessa laughed, but her voice was hoarse with emotion.
Emma knew when she was having a moment, and that was precisely what had just happened.
Emma rose slowly and put the lid back on the ice cream as she stopped in the doorway. She looked back at Vanessa, her knees still up to her chest, and sighed. “I mean it, babe. You’re not alone. Not ever.”
Vanessa’s lips parted as she looked back over her shoulder. She blinked away a tear and regarded Emma with one of her stunning smiles. “I know.”
Emma quickly took the ice cream to the freezer, the cold tiles biting at her bare feet as she rushed across them.
When she returned to the living room, Vanessa was setting out their usual blankets as though it was the most normal thing in the world, and they hadn’t just had a deep conversation. Every day felt like progress.
“This is why I married you, you know…”
Vanessa looked up and frowned. “I’m sorry?”
“You make everything perfect for us. It’s why I married you.”
Vanessa slouched back down on the couch and opened her arms to Emma. “Then get yourself over here and snuggle me.”
Vanessa shifted beneath the covers, humming lightly as the morning sunlight glowed behind the curtains.
Emma lay beside her, her mouth slightly parted, one arm flopped over Vanessa’s stomach as though she’d claimed her during the night and refused to let go.
Vanessa smiled to herself, but she didn’t move.
She couldn’t bring herself to do so. There was something special about mornings with Emma.
The quietness of their sanctuary while the world rushed around outside the front door.
Emma wriggled closer, her hand fisting in Vanessa’s night shirt as she groaned. Emma was a morning person when it suited her—when she knew she had to get up for work—but weekends were often lazy and slow. Vanessa wouldn’t have it any other way.