Chapter 21 Letting Go #2
Jack smartly saluted, which Jace responded to with a similar salute. Then with a nod to Diane and General Intoshkin, Jack hurried from the room.
“Your mother’s right. We need to get moving on our side so that we have all the right people to bring. But let’s have that drink later, yeah?” General Intoshkin suggested. “I knew you were bright, Jace. I knew you were chosen for a reason. But today… Well, today you exceeded all expectations.”
“Not every day you entrust your fate to a store clerk,” Jace said with a shrug.
“Whatever training you had for over a decade, I think we all could use some,” the general said and turned smartly on his heel to go to the door.
“Let’s talk later as well, Jace?” Diane touched Jace’s left bicep.
He nodded. “Yeah, for sure, Mom. Dinner?”
“Absolutely. See you later.” Diane turned to Khoth then.
Her expression was sad for a moment, but then she touched his arm, too, just like she had touched Jace’s.
He froze, unsure how to react to this. “I know that had to be hard even for a Thaf’ell with an iron will like yours.
I just want to say…” She lowered her head for a moment as if considering her words very carefully.
She then met his eyes. “I just want to say how grateful I am that you’re by my son’s side. I know you’ll keep him safe.”
“Mom, I’m going to keep Khoth safe. And you and the general and Dad and--”
“Thank you, Khoth,” she said quietly, ignoring Jace’s protestations that he was going to be the one saving everybody.
Then she, too, left, and he and Jace were on their own. Jace sank down onto the table, swinging one leg.
“Well, that went smoothly? Maybe too smoothly?” Jace raked a hand through his hair.
“High Councillor Voor will honor her promises, but she will look for any opportunity to betray us,” Khoth said crisply.
Jace nodded, nibbling at his lower lip. “I wanted to win her over to our side. But I couldn’t. She won’t see that we are allies. She sees us just as--”
“Weapons to be aimed and fired. She doesn’t want a weapon that thinks for itself,” Khoth agreed.
“How are you?” Jace asked carefully, searching Khoth’s face for something.
Khoth’s expression was bland. “I am quite…” He stopped.
He did not want to lie to Jace. They close.
Friends. Lovers. More? “I do not know how I am. I will have to spend some time meditating to bring my Xi and Xa back into balance. My mother… High Councillor Voor did not do this after Daesah’s death.
She believed that she could leave it in the past.”
“You can’t do that.” Jace struggled to understand this.
“No, you cannot. And attempting it causes damage,” Khoth admitted.
“Yeah, yeah, I can imagine that,” Jace said. He put a hand on Khoth’s arm. “What can I do for you? To help you?”
Khoth stared down at Jace’s hand and covered it with his own. Blue over pale. He stroked the back of that hand.
“I do not know what I need,” Khoth admitted.
“Well, if you do want something--need something--that I can help with, even in a little way, please let me know,” Jace told him, squeezing his arm.
Khoth nodded. Emotions were like glass sticking in his throat.
“C’mon, you didn’t eat. You need to eat something and we can just be quiet together,” Jace said.
Khoth looked carefully at Jace’s expression and his body language. “You are tired.”
“What? No! I’m good!” Jace yawned.
He lifted an eyebrow. “Really?”
Another yawn. “I maybe could close my eyes for a minute. Just a minute.”
“Yes. Just a minute.”
“I mean I didn’t do anything physical here.” Jace flapped his hands. “Yesterday, you and me handled a Hive and--”
“You have not fully recovered from everything you have gone through. And now, you have faced a great opponent and won,” Khoth said.
Jace nodded, his shoulders dipping a little wearily. “Yeah, that was harder than I thought. I feel like I’ve run a marathon.”
“Then come. We will both rest and eat after.” Khoth offered a hand to Jace.
Jace took it and Khoth helped the lithe, young man stand up.
The two of them walked together--still holding hands--out of the negotiations room.
When they entered the hallway, there was no one there but them.
The Osiris was a huge ship and it did not have its complement of crew yet.
But still Khoth wondered what the rules should be about them when people could see.
“Jace?” Khoth asked, using the Pilot’s name to indicate that he was speaking to the man and not his higher officer.
“Yeah?” Jace rested his head against Khoth’s shoulder, humming a little happily as he did so.
They walked down the hall like this towards the lift and Khoth found himself loath to ask what he was about to. It might stop the touching, the comfort, the sweet humming that seemed to vibrate through him.
“What’s up?” Jace asked as the lift doors closed behind them.
Jace had turned and taken both of Khoth’s hands in his and was gazing up at Khoth with an eager--if slightly exhausted--smile on his face. Khoth didn’t want that smile to fade one iota or for more tiredness to seep into that expressive face.
“I… we… should begin as we mean to go on,” Khoth said.
Jace tilted his head to the side and blinked. “Ah, okay? I’m not tracking.”
“I believe you call it… PDF,” Khoth said uncertainly.
“PDF? You mean like the file type? Wait, no, you mean PDA! Public displays of affection!” Jace grinned, amused at his mistake.
“I thought it was a public display of feelings.” Khoth frowned. Both seemed appropriate.
“Both works,” Jace agreed, then he looked down at their clasped hands. “Ah, you mean should we do this when we’re out in public?”
Khoth nodded. “You intend to have many different species onboard the Osiris. Some will not understand such a relationship between us. Others will judge it. Others might approve, but I believe that discipline could be affected because--”
“We can’t have one rule for us and another for everybody else?” Jace filled in.
“Yes.”
Jace sighed, but then nodded. “You’re right. We should keep it strictly professional outside of private areas.”
Khoth was surprised that Jace was so agreeable to this. He said as much, “I thought you would not agree as humans are…”
“Ruled by their Xis?” Jace grinned again.
Another nod. “And you are a far more physically affectionate species than Thaf’ell.”
“I think you’re plenty affectionate,” Jace contradicted.
“Indeed, in private with our loved ones we are very affectionate… for Thaf’ell,” he qualified.
He wasn’t sure exactly what the sliding scale of affection was between humans and Thaf’ell. He hoped that his discussion with Thammah led to their friendship being restored if only for the selfish reason that he could ask her about this and much more.
“My parents worked together most of their professional careers and also my mom was my dad’s boss for many of those,” Jace said. “So this isn’t weird to me to divide things like this.”
“Your parents work quite well together from my observations,” Khoth noted.
“Yeah, they do. They respect each other tons and love each other even more,” Jace said and a small, fond smile appeared on his lips.
“I am sorry to part them. But I think my dad is going to be way too involved in his other love--flying--to mind too much. And Mom has to represent humanity so… yeah, they’ll both be busy. ”
The lift doors whooshed open and the hallway to Jace and his quarters was straight ahead of them.
Jace released both of Khoth’s hands and made to step out ahead of Khoth.
Khoth felt like something had been ripped from him.
A limb. An organ. Something essential. He immediately reached for Jace’s nearest hand and linked their fingers together.
The moment their skin touched that terrible feeling of losing something eased.
He was shocked by how his heart was thudding loudly in his chest. Jace’s eyes widened, but didn’t draw away.
He knew that Jace wouldn’t. If he needed the young man, Jace would be there even if it caused people to think them unprofessional or worse.
Jace said, “I thought we were going to keep it professional outside of--”
“No one else is here yet,” Khoth found himself rushing out. “And I…” His head felt light again, freed of the selchilite, freed of any connections whatsoever.
“It’s okay, Khoth. You’re right. No one is here and--”
“I do not want to be a detriment to you,” Khoth said.
Jace blinked. “What? You’re not--”
“What we discussed in the elevator is wise. But I…”
Jace seemed to read more into what he felt than his inadequate words were getting across. He reached up and drew the back of his free hand down Khoth’s cheek.
“We’re alone. The Osiris is all ours. No one will disturb us,” Jace promised him. “You don’t have to control yourself. You don’t have to be strong here. You can be whatever you need to be.”
Khoth leaned down and rested his head against Jace’s forehead. His breathing was ragged. His heart was beating as fast as if he had been running. He felt ragged.
“I know I did the right thing,” Khoth whispered, “and I could not be happier than being here with you.”
“But?”
Khoth swallowed. There was no judgment or disappointment in Jace’s expression.
“So why does it hurt so much?” Khoth asked and felt his eyes burn with tears.
Jace’s arms wrapped around him and the young man held him tight. “Because you love your mom and your dad and your people. I’m sure you loved your life, too.”
“Not like this. This feels right.”
“Change is hard, because there’s loss as well as gain,” Jace said as he stroked a hand down Khoth’s back, which was trembling. “Let yourself experience both, Khoth. Only then will you be able to go forward.”
Khoth’s eyes shut tightly. Tears slid down his cheeks. He held onto Jace. Jace held onto him.
And he let go.