Chapter 2
2
H annah slammed her palms down on the wooden table. “What do you think of that? You won’t need to worry about anything anymore. We’ll decorate the clubhouse for your big day.”
The blonde customer scratched the small hole in the old wooden table with her fake fingernails and knit her brow. “I thought you were just a regular flower shop. So you offer that service too?”
Hannah looked at her boss Ines, who nodded at her while tying a bouquet of sunflowers. Then she turned back to her customer. “Of course. We’re flower specialists. Who better than us to transform that old cabin into a fairy-tale wedding venue?”
The customer beamed, and it wasn’t long before everything was settled. As the bride-to-be took her leave to the tinkling of the shop bell, Ines hobbled over to the sales counter where Hannah was standing and brushed a strand of gray hair from her face. “Wow, how did you manage that? Another big order! That’s fabulous!”
Hannah shrugged. “I still remember how stressed a bride can get on the big day.”
Ines tried to hide her pitying look behind a feeble smile. “But it’s a Saturday. You’ll be off because of the kids, and I’ll be the one minding the shop.”
“Oh, it’s fine. Marco and Emi can stay home by themselves, and I’ll just bring Leon along.”
“Are you sure?”
“Absolutely. It worked great last time, too.” Hannah finished her coffee and set the cup in the small sink.
“Flower shop and decorator all in one,” Ines mused. “I can’t believe I never thought of that before! How the tides can turn. It was less than two years ago that I was wondering if it was crazy to offer you the temp job when I was barely scraping by myself. And now you’ve turned my hidden little flower shop into a customer magnet.”
Hannah winked at her. “I’d say that calls for a raise.”
The corners of Ines’s mouth turned down. “I’ll see what I can do, dear. You know how tight things are for me as well. Up until recently, I thought we would have to close the flower shop. But if you want, you could work a bit more than twenty hours a week. Given how much you put into your job, when you’re here in the shop, you’ll reel your own wages right into the till.”
“No, I want to spend my afternoons with the kids. They’re still so young, especially Emi and Leon. And at ten years old, Marco is hardly independent.”
Ines laughed. “Don’t let him hear that.”
Hannah took off her green apron, hung it on the hook, and reached for her bag. “Well, I have to go now and pick up Leon from kindergarten. If I’m late again, the teachers will take it upon themselves to extend the contract, and I’ll have to pay an extra 100 euros a month.”
“All right. At least summer vacation starts next week.”
Hannah nodded and waved at Ines as the shop bell was already jingling.
“Where are my soccer jersey and socks?” Marco came tramping through Hannah’s bedroom, where she was crouched on the carpet, surrounded by old children’s clothes and examining the small garments. As if the chaos weren’t already enough, he rifled through the laundry and tossed the T-shirts and socks around carelessly. “I’ve got practice soon. Have you forgotten, Mom?”
“Of course not! Try taking a good look through your closet!”
Marco stormed out of the room as Emi came bursting in, with Leon right behind her. The two of them directed their big brown eyes—so much like their father’s—toward the pile of clothes. “Why did you take out my baby clothes, Mommy?”
Hannah wound her long, dark-blonde hair into a messy bun. “We’ve been invited to Lena’s baby shower today, and we need a gift.”
“You’re not seriously planning on giving her used stuff, are you?” shouted Marco from his room.
“I did buy a cute pink onesie, too. But this dress of yours, Emi—Lena just loved it, and you’ve only worn it once.”
Emi gazed in shock at the pink dress embroidered with white flowers, snatched it out of her mother’s hands, and held it to her chest. “You can’t give away my cute little dress, Mommy!”
“It’s just that the onesie is not enough!”
“Why don’t you buy something?” Leon asked in his high little voice.
“Because by the end of the month, we never have any money left!” Marco yelled, answering for her.
“We don’t have any more money left?” Emi asked, startled.
Hannah pulled her daughter toward her, set her on her lap, and caressed her shoulder-length blonde hair. “Don’t worry, sweetie. Mommy can manage.”
The doorbell rang. Hannah rolled her eyes as Leon and Emi were already running to the door. “It’s our neighbor, Mommy!”
“Who else?” Hannah rolled her eyes again, got up from the floor, and walked to the apartment door, where her kids were already greeting the portly elderly lady. She was wearing her usual red cardigan and running her fingers through her large gray curls, which she undoubtedly put up in rollers at night.
“Hello, Mrs. Meyer—there you are! What are you doing at home with such beautiful weather today? Don’t you want to take the little ones to the playground?”
Hannah inwardly rolled her eyes again. Of course, she would rather be out in the open air with her kids. But her old neighbor clearly had no idea how exhausting being alone with three children—all with different needs and different school, kindergarten, and practice schedules—could be.
“We’ll be going out later,” she replied evasively. “What’s going on?”
“I’ve just come back from shopping, and I’ve brought something for the little ones!”
Leon and Emi were jumping up and down in the hallway.
“That’s very nice, but you really don’t need to bring something by every day?—”
“Oh, but I enjoy it.” And with these words, the elderly lady conjured three chocolate bars from behind her back.
“That’s awfully generous of you, but one bar is really enough.”
“That would be asking for trouble, my dear Mrs. Meyer. I remember that from when I was that young.” She winked at the two little ones and placed the three bars in their outstretched hands.
“Thank you!” the children exclaimed in unison.
“If there’s ever any need, Mrs. Meyer, I’d be happy to look after your little angels. I know how hard it must be with three children all by yourself.”
“That’s very kind of you, Mrs.—”
“Please, call me Frieda!” Her neighbor admonished her, raising her forefinger and smiling over her half-moon glasses. Her large front teeth slid out over her lower lip and gave her pointy face a mouselike appearance.
Hannah sighed inwardly. “That’s very kind of you, Frieda, but I can manage.”
“Don’t you like to go out sometime? You’re still so young. Maybe something will come up?—”
“No, I’m not going out! Now, if you’ll excuse us, we have some other things to do.”
“Yes, of course, my dear Mrs. Meyer. If anything should come up, I’m right next door!”
Hannah rolled her eyes again as she shut the apartment door.
“We’re so lucky that that nice lady Frieda moved in next door!” Leon exclaimed as he struggled to unwrap the chocolate bar.
“She’s a lot nicer than that man who used to live there and was always mumbling,” Emi agreed, popping the first piece of chocolate in her mouth.
Hannah thought so, too, even if Frieda was overly meddlesome. They had really lucked out with her. Friendly and decent neighbors were hard to come by where they lived. The man who’d lived in that apartment before had been drunk most of the time, shouting his head off not only inside his apartment but in the hallway and down on the street as well. Whenever Hannah had stepped out the door with her kids, she’d always felt uneasy and had hoped that he wouldn’t take them by surprise.
She took the two bars with intact wrappers from the hands of her two youngest children. “You can share one!”
“But Emi won’t let go of it!” Leon immediately cried.
“Give me a piece, too,” Marco said, shuffling over. With a nonchalant movement of his head, he shook his dark-blond hair off his forehead and yanked the chocolate bar out of his little sister’s hand. Then he split the bar into three equal pieces and, like a good brother, doled out two of the shares to his younger siblings. Hannah stashed the remaining bars in a drawer that was already bursting with all the sweets their neighbor brought by every day. She wondered if she shouldn’t start selling the candy at the playgrounds—supply would not be an issue.
Hannah had driven Marco to soccer practice and now, with her two youngest kids, was on her way to the baby shower that Lena, her old friend from kindergarten, was throwing. Every time they came to a red light, she would glance at the nicely wrapped gift lying on the passenger seat. Tucked inside, beneath the tiny pink baby onesie, was the cute little dress her daughter had worn to her baptism.
Hannah remembered it as if it were yesterday. How sweet little Emi had looked in the dress, and how Andrew had admired her in it. He had held her in his arms proudly and adored her so much that he would barely let go of her.
Was it a mistake to give Lena the dress? It looked so charming and held so many memories. But that was exactly why Hannah had chosen it. Andrew had been gone for more than five years. And clothes would not bring him back.
Besides, Lena would be thrilled with the baby dress. At Emi’s christening, she had said over and over how beautiful the little dress was and that Hannah shouldn’t throw it away under any circumstances.
As if she would ever throw away her children’s clothes! Sure, she had tossed the items that were worn and full of holes into the old clothes bin, but she would sell online whatever still looked nice. That made more work than money, but every penny counted. Providing for three children all by herself was no easy task. She couldn’t afford to be sentimental.
And, anyway, she really couldn’t have bought a bigger gift for Lena. She’d spent her last dime on filling her tank on the way to her friend’s house so she could make it to the baby shower at all. And, honestly, it was certainly far more important to her friend for her to come the party than for her to give her a big, expensive gift.
As Hannah was parking by the roadside and getting her children out of the car, a huge, gleaming Mercedes pulled up. The driver honked so loudly that Emi and Leon jumped up alongside their mother, startled. Out of the car stepped a very pregnant woman who was balancing an oversized gift on her arms. Hannah stopped for a moment. She wasn’t going to the party, too, was she?
Before the woman could notice her stare, Hannah tucked the nicely wrapped present under her arm and hurried across the street to Lena’s house with her two kids in tow. The seriously pregnant honker was coming up right behind her.
“Are you also a friend of Lena’s?”
Hannah turned around nonchalantly as Emi rang the bell. Of course, the super pregnant woman was standing right behind her. And, of course, she was also on her way to Lena’s and the baby shower.
“Yes, we’ve known each other since kindergarten.”
“That’s so cute. We’ve been colleagues at work for two years.” She groaned as she directed her gaze toward the monstrous gift in her arms. “It’s really pretty heavy. Had it specially imported.”
Hannah tried to smile but failed to do so. The door finally opened and Lena stood before them, beaming. “Hannah, Emi, Leon, it’s so great that you’re here! I’m so glad you brought the two of them!”
They greeted each other warmly, and Hannah was about to hand Lena the gift, but Lena had already turned to the very pregnant woman behind them. “Charlotte, what is this?” She pointed to the enormous gift. “I said just something small!” Then they laughed loudly as if they both knew it had just been a joke.
“Only the best for our little ones!” As she spoke these words, Charlotte stroked her humongous baby belly with one hand while holding the gift with the other. So the imported present wasn’t that heavy after all!
Hannah pushed her kids into the house and stopped short. Everything was pink. Pink balloons, pink tablecloths—even the glasses, cups, and plates were pink. Next to them was a buffet that instantly made Hannah’s mouth start to water at the mere sight of it. Pink petit fours, marble cake, cake with pink sugar pearls, salads, casseroles, and barbecue skewers. Delicious!
Alongside these delicacies stood another table piled high with gifts. And what gigantic packages were lying there! How much money did people spend on baby showers?
Hannah turned slightly red as she furtively set down her little gift beside the others. It was a good thing there was a gift table. Lena would surely be unwrapping the presents on her own later on that evening.
I shouldn’t be ashamed , Hannah thought as she chided herself. But she still was, a bit. Shouldn’t she have come without a gift instead? Claimed that she’d forgotten and then buy something bigger the following week when she got her check? No, the onesie was as sweet as could be, and the dress was impeccable. And Lena had practically put in an order for it. She was sure her friend would cherish it.
Oh, how she hated having to always scrimp and save like this! She wasn’t stingy, and she knew the saying that it was little gifts that sustained friendships. But while her gifts were small, the others kept bringing bigger and bigger presents and apparently thought that was normal. Hannah would have liked to have been more generous as well, but there was just no way. With her meager wages, she had to cover all the expenses herself—and a vacation was entirely out of the question!
Of course, the others had been over the top with their huge and extravagant gifts, though Hannah would also have loved to have been the one to elicit a joyful “Wow!” for once. But it just wasn’t possible.
Ever since she’d had to start providing for her kids by herself, she’d scaled back her own needs more and more and changed her routines to save money. And the kids were still young—they didn’t need much. But with Marco, things had already gotten to the point that he no longer wanted to meet with his friends on the soccer field but at the movies instead. It all added up quickly. She wondered how she would manage it all in the future. Still, perhaps things would improve for her at some point. Maybe she could make Ines’s flower shop even more successful, and then her kind boss would surely pay her more. Originally, she had always wanted to build her own thing. But the time for dreaming had passed.
“Yummy!” Emi and Leon cried simultaneously, making a beeline for the cake. “Can we, Mommy? Please!”
The baby shower was really starting to pick up. More and more women trickled in with bigger and bigger gifts, and since they all seemed to know one another, Hannah took the kids and retreated to the well-manicured garden to escape the gossiping guests. Exhausted from the busy week, she settled into one of the comfortable lawn chairs and enjoyed a cup of coffee while her children ran across the perfectly mown grass and past the gorgeous rhododendrons.
If things had turned out differently, would she have felt more at ease among all these guests? Would she have felt more like one of them? If she hadn’t been a single mother who’d had to shoulder the burden alone, would she have been talking and laughing along with the others, enjoying their company and paying her respects with an equally large gift?
She watched her children playing, which calmed her turbulent thoughts.
“Hannah! There you are!” Lena had come outside and settled carefully into the lawn chair next to Hannah’s, using the armrest for support. “I’m beat.” She stroked her baby bump lovingly.
“I can imagine. There are quite a few people here! Are they all your colleagues?”
“Most of them, yes. A few are neighbors and acquaintances from my prenatal classes. We’ve only lived here a few weeks, but we’ve already met so many people! Almost everyone in the neighborhood is pregnant or already has young children.” Lena smiled a blissful smile. “You’re not trying to escape them, are you?”
“I’m sorry, Lena, it’s been an exhausting week. All the hustle and bustle is a bit much for me, and the kids can play better out here—and it gets them away from all the treats for a change.” She winked at her friend and took a sip from her cup.
“So how are things at the flower shop? Are you enjoying the work?”
“It’s all right. Ines is very nice, and she understands that I need to work a lot less during school vacations or when I can’t come because the kids are sick.”
“But are you happy? You always dreamed of having something of your own. Didn’t you always want to open a bookstore café?”
Hannah looked down at the red cup in her hands. “Maybe when the kids are older and on their own two feet. I can’t take any chances as long as I’m the only one responsible for them.”
Lena nodded in understanding as she watched Emi and Leon crouching over a daisy in the grass and inspecting a ladybug. They were whispering to each other and giggling as if they were making up a funny story about it. “They look so happy. I’m glad you’re all doing better!”
Hannah immediately stiffened. She didn’t like talking about it, especially when everyone else was so happy. “We’re fine! But how about you? Your house and garden are such a dream now!”
“Yes, Steven has been working very hard so I can build a dream nest for our little kiddo. And I’m so glad we don’t have to live in a little apartment anymore. Children need space! It’s a good thing he bought us this house.” She laughed and blissfully stroked her bulging belly again.
Hannah held back the feelings that were threatening to well up inside her once she heard those words. Until a few years before, she, too, had lived in a lovely house in a quiet neighborhood, with a large garden, helpful neighbors, and a place to park just outside the door. Her reply came out colder than she wanted it to: “How nice for you.”
“I’m sorry, Hannah, I didn’t mean?—”
“You didn’t. It’s fine!”
This was why she didn’t like visiting her friends anymore. She didn’t know if she was the one to blame, but inevitably some situation would arise where the past would catch up with her and she could feel—mostly based on their responses—how it would bring a cloud to hang over the festive mood. She didn’t want people walking on eggshells around her. No one could help that things were the way they were.
She didn’t know if it had been her tone of voice just now that had created the bad atmosphere or if Lena was annoyed with herself for reminding her of the past. It was like this with all her friends. There wasn’t a single one she could have a relaxed conversation with anymore. When was the last time she’d had an easy chat with Lena? She couldn’t say.
Embarrassed, Lena sat staring at her belly, which made Hannah feel guilty. She shouldn’t have come. She didn’t want to ruin this beautiful day for her.
Sometimes she wondered why she still went to see her old friends at all. Every time before she’d go, she would think to herself that she might feel less alone that way. But when she was with her friends and they’d talk about their amazing lives, she always felt even lonelier than before.
“What’s going on?” they heard a giggling colleague of Lena’s say behind them. They had apparently noticed Lena’s absence. Three women, including Charlotte of the giant belly, settled into the vacant lawn chairs next to theirs.
Hannah breathed a sigh of relief. Now Lena could think of other things. Inwardly, she withdrew from the group, glad that the pot-bellied Charlotte was immediately drawing all the attention to herself.
“I wish,” she began in a voice so loud it was as if she wanted the neighbors to hear her stories too, “that I was already done with this and had two such adorable children that age. You’ve got it so much easier than us!”
“Hannah has another kid. Three children!” Lena explained, obviously relieved at the opportunity to change the subject. Charlotte and the other two looked at Hannah like she had broken an agreement.
“Three children? Isn’t that a bit much?”
“Three is the new two!” Hannah countered with a wink. She wasn’t about to let some self-satisfied Barbie doll put her down!
“Sure, if you can afford it. And where is your husband? At work?”
Lena hesitated and looked anxiously at Hannah, who was tensing up beneath her cheerful facade. Why did this topic always have to come up?
“No, I’m a single mother.”
“A single mother with three children?” gasped Charlotte. “That can’t make it easy to find a new guy!”
“No smart man would go for that,” one of the others chimed in.
What were these two thinking? Shouldn’t women—especially mothers—always stick together, no matter where they came from, what they did for a living, or whether they were in a relationship?
Hannah fixed her gaze on the two women with a venomous look. “Well, who knows? Maybe somewhere out there is a Prince Charming who’s waiting just for me.”
The three women laughed—probably at Hannah’s expense, but she was above it. What exactly did Lena see in these pompous chickies? She sneaked a peek at the clock. When could she leave without being rude?
“I hope those three at least all have the same man as their father!” Charlotte was watching Hannah’s expression as if hoping for a nice little scandal.
How many times before had people reacted condescendingly when they’d found out that she was a single mother of three? She’d grown a thick skin. Very thick.
Hannah gave them a cocky look and winked at them all. “Not at all. I don’t even know which three are their fathers!”
None of the women reacted until Lena intervened. “That was a joke! Of course, all three children have the same father!”
With that, the three women burst into hyena-like laughter.
“Speaking of which, how is Matthew doing?” Lena asked, attempting to steer the conversation in a different direction.
“He works a lot—you know how it is. His law firm is becoming more and more successful. By the way,” Charlotte said, turning back to Hannah, “if your ex isn’t paying you a decent amount of alimony, my husband’s law firm also handles family law. They can help you!”
Right at that moment, Emi and Leon came running up. “Mommy, the ladybug has three spots. Does that mean it’s three years old?”
“That’s right, sweetie.”
Charlotte leaned forward a little. “God, aren’t you two cute! And I’m sure you see your daddy a lot anyway, right?”
Hannah’s heart was pounding harder and harder. Her pulse was racing. This was the point when she always wanted to flee, which was why she never went to events like this anymore and why her skin wasn’t as thick as she liked to believe, after all.
Emi’s laughing mouth, with the cute little dimples on the sides, suddenly fell, and Leon looked helpless. “I never saw my daddy at all,” he said in his high little voice, and Hannah could feel her chest tighten, just as it had on that first day.
“Andrew died,” Lena whispered to her friends, whose stunned and sympathetic expressions only made things worse.
If only people didn’t always try to look like they understood. As if they could even remotely feel what they had been through. At times like this, it was almost as bad as that first day. Hannah had hoped she would get used to it, but lately, when her children looked sad because they were reminded that their father would never take them in his arms again, she thought she would go to pieces.
For them alone did she remain strong. For them alone did she get out of bed every morning. Without them, nothing made sense anymore. The children thought they needed their mother? In truth, it was the other way around. Hannah needed her children to help her see her way through all of this.
“And you don’t remember your daddy at all?”
Of course, the worst question of all was promptly directed at Leon and Emi. How much sensitivity did it take to know that you never asked children a question like that?
“I don’t remember him, and before Leon was born, Daddy was already dead,” Emi replied bravely. “But Mommy put up lots and lots of pictures of Daddy so we can say goodnight to him every night.”
“Emi, Leon, look!” Hannah said, trying to distract them. “I think I just saw a dragon land over there with a fairy sitting on its back!”
“Where?”
Hannah pointed at the strawberry patch. “There!”
The two of them instantly ran in the direction she was pointing to.
“Now do you have the answers you want?” Hannah snapped at the three women once her children were out of hearing range.
Indignant, Charlotte began to defend herself: “I had no idea?—”
“And it’s none of your business!”
“Hannah, she didn’t mean to hurt you all! No one wants that. I do know what you’ve been through.” Lena stroked her arm, and Hannah gave in. No one ever meant any harm. People just didn’t think—they couldn’t put themselves in their shoes.
Should she stay? Should she try to put it behind her, to mingle with the other guests and pretend that life was wonderful?
No, she had already created enough ill will. If she stayed, Lena wouldn’t be able to enjoy her party at all. And besides, after this conversation, any remaining urge to stay had disappeared.
She looked at the clock and clapped her hand over her mouth in an exaggerated show of alarm. “Oh no, so late already? I need to go now and pick up Marco from soccer. Thanks for the invite. Emi, Leon, come—we’re going!”
And before anyone could stop her, Hannah was in the car with her two little kids and driving off.