Chapter 2
Noah Hawker
“Thanks for meeting me, man.” I slapped Liam on the shoulder as he joined me at my table at Ramsay Pearce’s restaurant, Lamb, at the Desert Island Resort/Casino.
“It’s my pleasure. Mostly because you’re treating.” Liam grinned as he sat down in the chair opposite me. “I plan on making you pay for avoiding me lately. Although sending the jet out for me is making up for it a little bit.”
I smiled down at the empty plate in front of me before picking up my napkin and placing it on my lap before the hovering ma?tre d’ could. I really didn’t like strange dudes in my personal space, and especially not that personal space.
“What’s that dish he’s world renowned for again?” Liam asked as he held up a menu. Liam and I went way back. As he was Xander’s brother, he’d come on the road with us as Xan’s guitar tech when we first started out. I’d seen him through some tough shit. He was practically a brother. Which made my recent MIA stint kinda sad; hence the dinner. And the jet.
“Scotch egg,” I answered.
“Nah, the one with the pastry thing.”
“Fillet and Yorkshire pudding?”
“That’s it.” Liam slapped his menu down on the table. “That’s what I want.”
It was a good choice, considering it was the most expensive dish in the whole place. I decided to have the same and put my menu down on top of his.
“So? What’s been going on?” Liam asked with a grin. “How’s life in Sin City?”
“Pretty much sin free,” I grumbled.
“Shit. Yeah, sorry.” Liam hitched a shoulder. “I know it’s cliché, but it does get easier.”
“Does it really? Because I’m a year in, and I’m struggling. I still feel that draw. I can’t shake it.”
“Can I interest you in something from our wine list to start you gentlemen off tonight?” Our waiter asked as he appeared at the edge of our table. Literally out of nowhere. I wondered if he was on loan from the resort’s magician or some shit. And seriously, was he listening to us? Offering us the very thing we couldn’t have. Like the fucking devil on my shoulder—‘ just one drink, it won’t hurt .’ Asshole.
“No wine for the table. We’re sober,” Liam replied with no hesitation. “What do you recommend that’s alcohol-free?”
Our waiter didn’t bat an eyelash. “We have still or sparkling water. There are a few mocktails on the menu as well. Or we have tea.”
We settled on sparkling water and put in our order—different starters but the same entrées—then our waiter disappeared as easily as he’d appeared.
I seriously wanted to know his secret. That shit could come in handy.
“It’s shit like that.” I jerked a thumb where our waiter had been. “I hate.”
“Ordering in restaurants? It’s not that hard, man. I literally just watched you do it.”
“No, how you just said you were sober like it was normal. Like you’re not ashamed.”
Liam’s head reared back. “What the fuck do you have to be ashamed about? You survived. You’re making changes so you keep surviving. Besides, they’re lots of reasons people are sober—it’s not just because we’re addicts.”
“Do you think he’d believe we’re good Christians? Mormons or whatever?” I looked between the tattoos we both had visible above our collars—because long sleeves and collars were part of the dress code of Lamb.
Liam laughed. “Doubtful. I bet he thinks you have a hard to kill STD and are on antibiotics.”
I chuckled. “Possibly.”
“But seriously, who gives a fuck. You live your life for you. Fuck what anyone else thinks. Except for me, of course.”
I smiled slightly and shrugged. Then I jumped as a hand reached across me. Our waiter was back filling our glasses with the sparkling water we’d ordered. I watched as he did the same for Liam. I kept my eyes on him the whole time. I wanted to see where the hell he was appearing from.
Our waiter gave us a short bow, I blinked, and he was gone.
“What the fuck?” I swung around, looking everywhere, but I couldn’t see him anymore. Only empty tables near us and a few fancy potted plants.
“What is going on with you?” Liam asked me.
“Did you not see that? Our waiter just disappeared.”
Liam gave me a look like he was questioning my sobriety.
Maybe I really was losing it.
Sighing, I turned back to my friend. “So how’s Phoenix?”
Liam smiled and filled me in on his life in Arizona—his job at a guitar store, his crazy sponsor who’d been a roadie for Metallica back in the day, and the new girl in his life.
It all sounded pretty awesome. The way he lit up and smiled when he talked about his girl made me a little jealous, if I were honest. I swore everyone around me were all coupled up, most were married. I was the proverbial cheese standing all alone.
“That’s awesome, man. I’m glad you found her.”
But hearing about his life just reminded me of why I’d been ducking him for so long and all the shit I’d said to Xander back in Europe.
And one of the reasons I’d wanted to talk to Liam before he flew back to Arizona.
I cleared my throat. “Uh, there’s something I wanted to say to you. It’s why I’ve been ducking your calls these past couple of months.”
“What’s going on?”
“Back in Europe when I was using, I said some shit about you to Xander. I don’t know if he told you about it, but we threw down and…I feel like shit every time I think about it. So I just wanted to make an amends to you. What I said was more about me going through my shit than anything to do with you.”
Liam sat back in his chair and shook his head. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Xander never told me about it.”
“I said—”
But Liam cut me off with a wave of his hand. “Doesn’t matter. I don’t need to know. I mean, you can tell me if it’ll make you feel better, but I guarantee there’s nothing you can tell me that’ll piss me off because I know that wasn’t you. That was the drugs talking.”
I nodded tightly. “I also wanted to make an amends to you for the part I played in your addiction. I know Xander and I were the ones who gave you your first bump of coke, and I’ve—”
Liam shook his head again. “Also not your fault. I was an addict way before I went on tour with you guys. Shit, I spent most of high school drunk or high.”
“What? How did I not know that?”
Liam shrugged. “I thought we talked about it. I know I talked about it with my brother. I guess Xander thought he was my intro to drugs. But that isn’t on you guys. I did what I did. And I forgive you for anything you said about me when you were using. We’re good.”
“Huh.” I sat back in my chair kinda confused. This wasn’t my first amends, but it was my first one that apparently wasn’t needed. Weird.
“So how’s your sobriety going?”
I groaned and dropped my head back. “I feel like I’m holding on with my fingernails. I swear I haven’t felt like myself in so long.”
Liam nodded. “I wasn’t going to say anything, but you kinda remind me of Fun Bobby from that old sitcom— Friends , I think? You know where the one guy is the life of the party, but then he gets sober and turns into a boring dude. What’s going on?”
“I don’t know. It’s hard to feel that light again. Like it would be a step closer to using or something. Even before the drugs, I drank a lot. Maybe that happy-go-lucky personality was because I was drunk all the time and this is the real me.”
“Fuck that. I—” Liam broke off again as the waiter magically appeared again with our starters.
“Scallops, sir. And a scotch egg for Mr. Hawker. Anything else I can get you two?” When we shook our heads, he bowed his. “Enjoy.”
Then I watched him walk away like a normal, mortal man.
I was definitely losing it.
We dug into our food. “I can’t believe you ordered scallops. Do you know how far away we are from a coast?”
“It’s Vegas. They fly this shit in on the daily.” Liam held up his fork full of wiggly, white scallop then popped it into his mouth. “Delicious.”
I just shook my head and dug into my runny egg encased in sausage.
“But seriously man, you need some relaxation. When’s the last time you got laid?”
I choked on my sausage.
Then I choked on that thought.
Coughing, I waved off our concerned waiter and took a gulp of bubbly, fizzy water. And then choked again.
“Shit, you all right?” Liam’s eyes were wide with concern.
Mine were watery with tears. “I’m good,” I replied weakly and then coughed some more.
“You don’t need the Heimlich like that blonde who choked on her dick on the tour bus, do you?”
I laughed. Fuck, that had been funny. “Thank god your brother knew the Heimlich.”
Liam and I had a few girls on the bus back in the day and he’d challenged them all to do the Blowjob Olympics—AKA deep throating a banana. One girl’s banana had broken off and lodged in her throat. I’d panicked and started screaming, ‘she’s choking on her dick!’
“That banana flew across the bus.” Liam shook his head. “And the disappointment in my brother’s eyes…? Good times.”
I shook my head and took another bite.
“I take it that means it’s been a while for you?” Liam asked, looking down at his plate.
“You know I’ve only been clean a year, right?”
“Right.”
I tipped my head at him like that was all the answer he needed.
His eyes widened as the reality of my answer hit him. “So you haven’t since—”
“Calm your tits,” I cut him off. “My using had been tied to the lifestyle. Touring. Groupies. All that hedonism bullshit. I had to have a sober companion just to finish the tour—Ford. He’s a pretty cool guy. He helped me a ton with staying sober. But it’s hard now that I’m on my own. I don’t want to fall back into any old habits. So I’ve…abstained.”
“You know that’s not supposed to be for forever, right? You didn’t take a vow to god or something and forget to tell us?”
“No.” I rolled my eyes.
“You gotta live your life, man. You can’t spend the rest of your life punishing yourself for all your wrongs. That’s not what the program is about. You need to know your triggers and avoid those.”
“And if women are my trigger?”
“What women though? Groupies? Women who only want to be with you because of the band or for bragging rights? Find someone who knows you—the man inside and not the glitzy rock star.”
“Easier said than done.” I snorted. “And for the record, I’ve never worn glitter.”
“You know I’ve known you for forever, right? You can’t bullshit me.” Liam laughed for a second before sobering and leaning into his side of the table. “But seriously. It’s worth it when you find it. Believe me. A good woman makes life worth living.”
“Any advice where I’ll find such a mythical being?”
“I don’t know. Have you tried Plenty of Fish?”
I narrowed my eyes at him, and when he gave me a shit-eating grin, I tossed a piece of egg at his stupid face.