Chapter 4
Noah
Epiphany Episcopal Church
“Hello. My name is Noah, and I’m an addict.”
“Hello, Noah,” all the men sitting on folding chairs in our circle echoed back to me.
“I, uh, it’s been a minute since I’ve shared. I picked up my one-year chip a few days ago, and…I’m so fucking scared. I thought once I had a year into this, I’d feel like I had a handle on shit. But I don’t. Every day, there’s a reminder shoved in my face of what I did, or I bump into someone I used with back then, or I walk through a skunky cloud and think what’s the harm? Just one little puff. Is a joint really that bad? I mean it’s legal now, right?”
I looked up and took in a few nods from the guys in the circle and felt encouraged, so I continued.
“I just feel like I’m holding onto everything with my fingertips—my sobriety, my shit at work, helping out with my family. And don’t even get me started with women.”
The men in the circle grunted their approval.
I scoffed. “I don’t think you all get what I mean…” Sitting back in my hard, metal folding chair, I crossed my arms over my chest. “I, uh, I haven’t been with a woman since I went into rehab twelve months ago.”
“Damn, son!” Russell, an older man on my left, exclaimed. “I’d say that’s your number one problem.”
“No crosstalk, Russ,” Davis, the chairperson, admonished.
Russell curled his lip and sat back in his chair with his arms crossed.
I laughed. “You’re not wrong, Russell. I just…I guess it’s like I said at the top of my share—I’m fucking scared. Scared to be vulnerable. Scared to fall back into old habits. Scared to lose it all. I don’t remember my OD, but I sure as hell remember the way my friends and family looked at me when I came to. And I’d pretty much give my left nut not to ever see that much disappointment leveled at me ever again. Thanks.”
The group clapped.
Davis looked around the circle. “Anyone else want to share?”
Since it was almost the end of the hour, no hands went up.
“Okay. Thanks everyone who shared tonight. We’re going to close the meeting with a serenity prayer.”
Everyone stood and held hands. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
After a moment of silence, the group broke up. Some guys got together to talk about meeting for coffee after.
I had a hard time relating to most of the members. None of them really wanted to hear my rich boy woes. I saw the looks they sent me when they thought I wasn’t paying attention.
“So you really haven’t been with a woman for over a year?” Russell asked as he sidled up to me.
I snorted as we carried our chairs to the rack against the wall. “How much time do you have again, Russ?”
“Three weeks. This time.”
“Right.” I shook my head. “And the last time you were with someone was…?”
“This morning.”
I sent him an incredulous look. “And is sex a trigger for you?”
“I mean…” Russell twitched a shoulder and looked away. “Let’s just say I wasn’t alone the last three times I relapsed.”
“It’s something to think about. For me, I had to give up women and alcohol to get a handle on my shit. Some would probably argue that I need to give up music too, but that shit’s like breathing for me. Life wouldn’t be worth living if I couldn’t do what I do. But sometimes I wonder if it’ll be the thing that drags me back to the dragon. And it’s probably why I’ve waited so long to break my virginity streak.”
“Well, if you ever need help on that front…” Russ wiggled his eyebrows.
I snorted a laugh. “Thanks, man. I’ll keep that in mind. How’s shit going for you? You didn’t share tonight.”
“Meh.” Russ shrugged. “Wasn’t feeling it.”
I nodded slowly. “If you ever need to talk, you can call me. Do you have my number?”
He pulled out his phone and we exchanged numbers, and then someone shouted his name across the room.
“See ya, Noah,” Russ shouted over his shoulder as he joined the coffee group forming on the other side of the room.
“Later, Russ.”
No one else was looking my way, so I slipped out of the church before anyone could guilt me into joining them.
Not that it would be a big deal for me to sit in a coffee shop.
I was the drummer.
Our band was one of the biggest in the country, and yet most people couldn’t pick me out of a lineup. I was just a Muppet with flailing arms and a mop of dirty blond hair on stage. If I hadn’t made that reservation at the Lamb in my own name the other night, I doubted our waiter would’ve known it.
I could count on one hand the number of times I’d been news, and they all had to do with my overdose in London.
Unless I was at death’s door, no one gave a damn what I was up to.
My face was two stories high on a billboard downtown, and most people still didn’t have a clue who I was. Which was why I spoke about my job in vague terms in meetings. The program might’ve been built on anonymity, but I wasn’t keen on testing it.
As I pulled away from the church in my blood-red Range Rover, my phone rang, interrupting Matt Cameron’s drum solo. I looked at the screen display and my heart sank as I read MOM . Still, I pushed the button and accepted the call.
“Hey, Mom. How’s it going today?”
“Oh you know, just another day in paradise.” She gave a husky laugh that missed all the notes of joy and sounded sad as hell.
My heart twinged in my chest as I changed lanes. “What did you have for lunch?”
I felt like shit. I never knew what to say in this situation. I know every single day was a struggle for her. I wanted to be there for her—and my dad too—but she wouldn’t let me.
“Agnes made your dad’s favorite club sandwiches. Which were delicious. Thank you again for hiring her; she’s a godsend.”
I smiled at the genuine note of happiness in her voice. “I’m glad she’s working out. Do you know what she’s going to make you for dinner tonight?”
“Cedar plank salmon with asparagus and couscous. I can’t wait. That woman is a magician in the kitchen.”
Considering how much she charged, she damn well should’ve been. But still, it made me so fucking happy to be able to help her out even a little. “Great. I’m jealous. I think it’ll probably be drive-through fair for me.”
“You better eat something healthier than that garbage, Noah Jacob Hawker. You know your father and I raised you better than that.”
“Yes, ma’am.” But I rolled my eyes like any man in his thirties getting scolded by his mother would’ve. “Have you heard from Faith lately?”
“She called yesterday. I guess she and her family are going to the Bahamas next week? Some work thing Warren has that they have to attend. They’re turning it into a family vacation so they’re taking the boys. And that also means they won’t be able to attend your opening show…”
I wanted to snort in disbelief, but that would mean I wasn’t expecting this news. Apparently, I’d humiliated Faith and her husband who were very devout members of their Episcopal church in Seattle. Having a brother who was a rock star was embarrassing, having one overdose overseas and it make headline news was mortifying.
“And I’m afraid it’s looking like I’m not going to make it either,” my mom continued after my pause.
I coasted to the red light and let my head fall back against my headrest as I closed my eyes for a second. I tried for a jovial note when I finally spoke. “Nah, that’s okay, Ma. I didn’t really expect you’d be able to come.”
“I really wanted to, honey. But it’s just so far, and I don’t feel comfortable leaving your father for that long. And you know he can’t travel now.”
I nodded as tears burned under my eyelids. My stronger-than-life father wasn’t able to handle a conversation anymore, let alone navigate a two-and-a-half-hour flight. “I know, Ma. It’s okay. I’ll send you all some shirts. We got this new girl doing drawings of all our faces. It’s awesome. Like some crazy van Gough shit. You’ll love it. And I’ll send some for Faith and the kids.”
A horn honked behind me.
I opened my eyes, took in the green light and lack of traffic, and floored it.
“Hey, I gotta go. I’m heading in for practice. Give everyone my love. Talk to you later.”
And I punched the end call button before my mom could give me any more bad news.
I don’t think I could’ve taken another blow at the moment.
More than anything, I wanted the empty euphoria only drugs could give me.
But I was sober now.
Dammit.
Needless to say, I was in a mood when I arrived at the Haven Arena.
Jittery.
Hungry.
Craving something I wasn’t ever able to have again.
And then my eyes fell on Alice sitting behind my drum set, wailing on the skins.
She was mesmerizing.
Intoxicating.
My dick hardened, and I let myself fantasize briefly about having her on her knees in front of me, holding all that luscious hair in one hand as she bent toward me. Those sweet, plump lips opening over me.
As she brought her sticks down one more time, her eyes flicked over the stage then rested on me. Her hands stopped and all the noise fell away.
Even from here, I could see the way her eyes narrowed and her mouth pursed in annoyance.
Which reminded me of that storage room in Dublin and the way she sold me out. I thought of it almost every time I saw her. “Having fun?” I drawled as I walked onto the stage.
Lark and a mystery blonde shifted until they stood between Alice and me. Alice stood up, her sticks clenched in her left hand.
“You’re early.” Each word was bitten out, her annoyance as obvious as the frown on her face. “Church doesn’t start for forty-five minutes. We’re not set up yet.”
“That’s not what it sounded like to me.” I raised my eyebrows as I took in the kit all in place, the guitar in the blonde’s hands, and the keyboard in front of Lark. “Showing off for your friends?”
If it were possible, Alice’s scowl grew darker. It would’ve been intimidating if she didn’t look like an angry pixie missing her wings. “No. We’re setting up your instruments. Because that’s my job.”
My eyes drifted over the mystery blonde again. Something about her felt vaguely familiar, but I couldn’t place her. Clearly she was a friend of Alice’s, but why would I recognize her? My gaze flicked over Lark who was pushing the keyboard toward the back of the stage where it belonged. “I don’t remember setting up being a part of Lark’s duties, and”—I turned to the blonde—“I don’t think I’ve had the pleasure of meeting you, darlin’.”
The blonde snorted. “Well, that’s insulting.”
Before I had a chance to unravel that weird reply, Lark bounced back in front of my drum set. “You done, Alice?”
“Yup.” Alice stood up, dropping her sticks on the snare.
“Oh no.” I laughed, raising my hand. “I don’t think so. No way in hell is that seat set for me. I’m about a foot taller than you. You’re not leaving until the job is done.”
The blonde threw me a disgusted look over her shoulder that would’ve been confusing if I didn’t know she was Alice’s friend.
With a huff, Alice bent in front of me, her hands twisting at the metal base of the stool, but all I could look at was the way her plump lips pursed with her concentration. The little grunt she made as she twisted the stubborn threading had me biting my lip to keep my pained groan inside.
Fuck. Why’d she have to be so hot? I never should’ve agreed to taking on a female drum tech.
“There.” Alice stepped back with an annoyed huff. “Does the throne meet your highness’ expectations?”
“Alice,” Lark hissed in warning.
Even the blonde’s eyes widened at Alice’s blatant disrespect.
I only raised my eyebrows and stepped up to the stool. I was used to Alice’s sharp words and saucy little looks when she thought I wasn’t looking. But again, Dublin. Alice was a narc.
The reminder was enough to make me bark, “Wait!” when her little trio turned to leave after I sat on my stool.
Alice swung back around her eyebrows near her hairline. “What?”
“Alice,” Lark hissed again.
But she only shook her friends’ concern off, and after a short, whispered convo, Lark and the blonde left the stage.
Alice turned back to me with raised eyebrows. “What do you need?”
I huffed a disbelieving laugh. I don’t know why I thought she’d ever be intimidated by me. Alice didn’t take any shit from anyone. It was why she’d climbed from general roadie to drum tech in such a short amount of time. Everyone respected Alice.
Even me.
“You know the drill. You don’t leave until I tell you.”
It was a petty move, but fuck if I didn’t need to be in control of just one aspect of my life. Even if it was just my drum tech.
Alice gave another one of her patented huffs of annoyance and crossed her arms over her chest. When I didn’t start playing, she made a grand gesture with her hand as she bowed. “You have the floor, sire.”
Rolling my eyes at her attitude, I picked up my sticks and played.
The longer I drummed, the more everything fell away. My fear. My annoyance. The family drama. Alice’s bullshit. It was just me and the music.
The way it was supposed to be.
The next thing I knew, Chase tapped my shoulder.
Flinching, I looked up and took in the rest of the guys standing around me with concerned expressions. Alice was long gone. Maybe she was the reason they were here.
“What’s up?” I grinned at Chase, trying to get back to that lackadaisical energy I was famous for. “You all ready for church?”
“Maybe after you break to hydrate.” Xander frowned down at me. “Going by your t-shirt and general smell, I’m going to guess you’ve been here a while.”
I lifted an arm and took a sniff. “I don’t know. Smells like success to me. Here, take a whiff.”
Jumping up, I chased Xander around the stage, trying and failing to stick my armpit in his face and laughing with more actual happiness than I’d felt in a long time.