CHAPTER TEN
2006
I woke up to an empty bed. On the sheet next to me, Hayden’s body was still faintly imprinted. I ran my fingers over the cold fabric, not hearing any movement around the house. I didn’t remember falling asleep, but my brain must have shut off at some point. I hadn’t told Hayden half of what I’d planned, but that must have been enough to make him sneak out. I was sure he’d left a note or a text, but I wasn’t in the mood to check.
I pushed myself out of bed, put on boxers and a shirt, then went to brush my teeth. My stomach growled, reminding me I’d skipped dinner. I entered the kitchen, the sunlight making me squint. I kept telling myself to buy curtains, but I never did.
The food Hayden had brought was still in the fridge, but I wasn’t going to eat Chinese so early. Our wine glasses were still on the living room table. I hadn’t yet fully processed last night, but I knew I felt no regrets. Whatever happened next, I’d needed that.
I was about to make myself a salad when I noticed the sound of approaching footsteps. I picked up a knife and turned around. Was the front door even locked? Before I could check, the door opened, and Hayden walked in shirtless, sunlight dancing on the sweat on his skin.
“Good morning. What’s up with the knife?” He closed the door behind him and wiped his brow.
I put the knife on the counter, my cheeks warm with embarrassment. Of course he’d gone running; he always used to do that when he slept over.
He came closer, his sweat dripping through the dark hairs on his chest, down to his flat and smooth stomach. “Hope it’s okay that I borrowed a pair of your shorts.” He crossed his arms. “Why are you looking at me funny?”
“What? Nothing. I just thought you left.”
He frowned. “Without saying goodbye? You know me better than that.” He glanced at the kitchen counter. “I can help you fix breakfast, but I can also leave if you prefer some privacy—I didn’t even ask if I could spend the night.”
“What? No, I don’t want you to leave.”
“Then it’s high time you got your butt over here and kissed me, isn’t it?”
I closed the distance between us and kissed him hard, his sweat soaking into my shirt. He grabbed the back of my head and squeezed me closer, his scent manly, raw, and familiar.
He stopped the kiss and held my face. “I know that last night wasn’t easy on you, but I appreciate what you’ve told me. When you’re ready to share more, I’ll listen.”
I was grateful that he didn’t pressure me. “Okay.”
“You’ve mentioned that the people who worked there were ex-convicts.”
“Yes, most of them.”
“Then they should have records and mugshots that we can find.”
“Mugshots? I’m not even sure I knew their real names.”
“Do you know any of their crimes?”
“Just Bo’s. He was in for rape.”
“In which state?”
“I don’t know, but I think he grew up in California.”
He stroked his chin. “And you met him in ‘92, right? How old did he look to you?”
“I think he was in his early thirties back then.”
“Then we can assume he was arrested in the mid-‘80s.”
I wondered if that was what detectives did—assumed things and hoped for the best.
“I’m fine looking at mugshots,” I said, hoping that was true, “but won’t people at the station get suspicious?”
“Good point. I’ll need to find the right time to bring you. I’ll keep you updated.”
“Okay.”
I was about to start making breakfast when he said, “Would you mind going for a drive after we eat?”
“Where to?”
“To get you a gun.”
I gawked at him, hoping he was joking, but his face made it clear he wasn’t. “I don’t want a gun.”
“You were attacked yesterday.”
“To send a message, not to kill me. Shooting him would’ve made everything worse.”
He put his hands on my shoulders. “Whether we like it or not, they know you’ve been asking questions. A gun should be a no-brainer.”
“I don’t even have a license.”
“You only need one if you’re going to carry a gun in public, not if you keep it in your house.”
I crossed my arms, growing nauseated. It had been many years since I’d last held a gun, and I couldn’t picture myself doing it again. But I also didn’t want to argue about that. “I’ll think about it.”
“Okay. And I also want you to move somewhere else for a while.”
“What? Hayden—”
“Hal said that the tracker isn’t transmitting your precise location. You can stay over at my place, or at Jenny’s, or at a motel if you prefer.”
I took a breath, reminding myself he was only acting out of concern. “This is my home.”
“It won’t go anywhere, Jonah. Listen, I know I’m being bossier than usual, but I’m not going to pretend that the threat isn’t real.”
I put my hands on his arms. “You need to understand something. If they want me dead, they’ll kill me. Hiding somewhere for a few days won’t change that.”
He took a step back. “Jesus, are you listening to yourself?”
I looked away. I shouldn’t have been so blunt, even though my words were true. “I’m sorry. I’ll think about staying somewhere else.”
Hayden reluctantly nodded, looking anything but pleased, but that was the best that I could offer.
“I’m going for a shower,” he said and walked toward the bathroom.
“Wait. My shorts.”
He turned around. “I’ll drop them in the laundry basket.”
“I would like them now.” I held out my hand.
“You’re very possessive of your things.”
I remained silent, still holding out my hand.
He ran his fingers under the waistband, then slowly pulled down the shorts. I knew he wouldn’t be wearing underwear on his run, which left his cock fully exposed. It hardened under my stare, thickening above his large, dangling balls.
I sucked in a breath as he took two steps to reach me, placing the damp shorts in my hand. “Better?”
I glanced down, the tip of his erection almost brushing against my shirt. “Yes. Now you can—”
He picked me up and carried me to the bedroom, just as I had hoped he would.
*
I stood in front of the gun store for over ten minutes, trying to convince myself to step inside. Owning a gun didn’t mean I would ever use it, but just having one in the house scared me. Yet I couldn’t dismiss Hayden’s warning or his logic. I had to have some sort of protection.
“Fuck it.” I stepped inside, glad of being the only customer. The grumpy-looking man behind the register nodded at me, indicating he wouldn’t bug me. I walked around among rifles, shotguns, and handguns, all locked behind glass. I needed help because I wasn’t going to choose based on the prettiest gun.
I walked over to the register and cleared my throat. “Hi. I’m here to buy a gun.”
“Your first one?”
“Is it obvious?”
He shrugged and put down the magazine he was reading, which was unsurprisingly about guns. “You walked around like you were shopping for shoes, so yeah, it was obvious. What are you in the mood for?”
I didn’t know how to answer that, but I also didn’t want to stall and look suspicious. “I’m looking for something easy to handle and maybe something that doesn’t make a lot of noise.”
He raised an eyebrow. “You mean with a suppressor?”
“What? No, just not something very loud.”
“Are you on a budget?”
Did I look poor? “Yes.”
“I have a few on sale.”
I left the store with a gun and some ammo, hoping to feel safer but feeling like a walking target.
*
“Someone’s in a good mood,” Jenny declared as I entered the studio the following day.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
She eyed me before nodding knowingly. “You had sex. No doubt about it.”
I shrugged and walked to my station. “A gentleman never tells.”
“That’s for ladies.”
“Then I’m a gentlelady.”
“You sure are!”
I turned on the stereo, which Jenny had decorated with stickers of flowers and kittens, always adding her personal touch to anything she found plain. I expected her to try decorating me eventually. “Mind if I put on some music?”
“Put on Meat Loaf.”
“Too dramatic. Oasis?”
“I’ll settle for Coldplay if we’re taking a trip to bloody Britain.”
“Coldplay it is.”
I worked for three hours on a new sculpture that one of my anonymous clients had requested. When my muscles started aching, I took a break and updated my eBay page. It was ridiculous how quickly my silly jewelry sold, even after I’d raised the prices a few times. I’d need to make more of those.
Toward the end of the day, Jenny and I took a break to share a joint next to the open window. I wasn’t a fan of anything that reduced my self-control, but Jenny’s weed wasn’t strong.
“So…” She nudged me with her elbow.
“So?”
“Don’t play coy with me, Jonah. Who was the one who deflowered you?”
“A man.”
“Well, of course it was a man. Cut the mystery, Nancy Drew.”
I sighed. “It was Hayden.”
“Hayden Hayden? Oh shit! Are you two back together?”
“We’re not.” I couldn’t allow us to get carried away while so many things were uncertain. Just having him back in my life felt like a lot.
“You never told me why you two broke up. It came out of nowhere.”
It had. One day, he showed up at my house, flushed and trembling, demanding to know about the disturbing videos of me that someone had sent him anonymously. I had always been a quick thinker, but seeing the rage in his eyes paralyzed me. He grew angrier, and I switched to survivor mode, lashing back with everything I had.
That hellish fight still echoed in my head.
My phone rang where I’d left it at my station. I handed Jenny the remaining joint before going to answer the call. It was Hayden’s number. With my heart beating slightly faster, I picked up the call. “Hey.”
“Hey, you. Still at work?”
“Yes, about ready to head home.”
“Cool. It’s been ages since I’ve been to the studio. Got any new pieces on display?”
He used to say “stuff” and “things” when referring to my work, but I’d taught him to say “pieces” instead.
I looked around. “A few.”
“Is the ‘Hipster’s Mattress’ still there?”
I smiled. “Yeah, it should still be here somewhere. When can you stop by?”
The big entrance door slid open. “Is now a good time?”
I hung up and walked to him, still not used to his presence after all these months. “I can find an open slot for you.”
“Please do. Hi there, Jenny.”
“Hayden!” She waved while still holding the joint, then realized what she was doing and hid it behind her back.
“Too late, young lady. I could smell it from downstairs. You’re leaving me no choice but to frisk Jonah.” He pulled me into a deep kiss. Jenny whistled in the background.
“Do you always frisk with your tongue?” I asked when he released me.
“Whenever I can.”
I would never feel completely natural sharing public affection with a man, even if the public was just Jenny. I had grown up when the world was less tolerant of people like me, and although things had changed a lot in the last few decades, it was too late for me to grow out of my instincts.
“All right, you two, I’m out of here.” Jenny picked up her purple bag. “Good seeing you again, detective. Try not to leave too many stains around—the maid was just here.”
“Jesus,” I grumbled.
Once Jenny left, Hayden said, “Sorry for not giving you a heads-up. I was in the neighborhood.”
I raised an eyebrow.
“Well, I was in a neighborhood.” He leaned to sniff my neck. “Seems like Jenny wasn’t the only one being naughty.”
“Are you going to arrest me?”
He held my gaze. “I don’t need to arrest you to tie you up.”
A pleasant shiver ran down my spine, settling in my crotch.
Hayden cleared his throat. “Sorry. I should be more careful with my words.”
“What do you mean?”
“The tying-you-up thing.”
It took me a few moments to understand his meaning. “If you can’t speak freely with me, I don’t think we should speak at all.”
“Jonah—”
“I’m not a delicate flower, and I can’t have you walking on eggshells around me. It’s not fair to either of us.”
He raised his hands in surrender. “Okay. I hear you. No eggshells. Promise.” He glanced at my side of the studio. “Show me what you’ve been working on.”
I went over my recent pieces—those I needed to send to buyers, and those I was hoping to sell so they wouldn’t end up collecting dust. Hayden listened to my explanations, asking questions about my technique and running his fingers over metal and copper. When we started dating, I thought he was only humoring me by pretending to care about my art, but he insisted on learning about my work, and I grew excited to share it with him.
After I finished going over everything, Hayden hugged me from behind, resting his chin on my head. “I can listen to you talk for hours, but I wouldn’t mind a nude demonstration next time.”
I turned around to face him. “I did it once because you bugged me for weeks, and I told you not to get used to it.”
“If I remember correctly, I made it worth your while—right here on this desk. And on the couch. And against that wall…”
“Okay, I remember!” Nobody could make me blush like he could. “Want to head up to the roof? The mattress should be in the closet.”
“Lead the way.”
The ‘Hipster’s Mattress’ was hidden behind some of Jenny’s junk. I’d received that mattress as a gift from a dance group that used to practice on the first floor. They called themselves ‘The Hipsters,’ which wasn’t a name real hipsters would ever use.
When we got to the roof, we wiped the dust from the mattress and lay down next to each other. It was already dark, but there weren’t a lot of stars so close to the city. At least the moon was almost full. We were far enough from the road to enjoy a peaceful silence.
“I bought a gun,” I said, wanting to get it off my chest.
He turned his face to me. “Really? You were less than thrilled when we talked about it.”
“I still don’t like it, but there’s no point pretending I’m not in danger.”
“Which one did you get?”
“A Glock 19.”
“Good choice. Let’s make sure you’ll never use it.” He cleared his throat. “I tried to talk to the Chief about the investigation again.”
“How did it go?”
“Horribly. It turned into a fight until he threw me out of his office.”
“Please don’t lose your job because of this.”
“I won’t lose my job. At least now I know his decision is final. Anyway, I pulled out all the missing person cases in LA from the last twenty years involving male actors. You said not everyone they kidnapped came from acting, but I wanted to narrow the search. I came up with eighteen names, almost all of them from over ten years ago. Seems as if The Society has either slowed down or shifted the focus elsewhere.”
“I remember hearing that their numbers were dwindling.”
“Really? Interesting. I also found another thing most of those men had in common.”
“Agatha?”
“Yes.”
I rubbed my face, not surprised but shaken by how many had been ruined because of that woman, caught in her web. “How come nobody figured out that something wasn’t right? It’s not a small coincidence.”
“Twenty years is a long time for any investigator to miss a pattern. If they had been missing children, or even missing women, someone would’ve investigated more thoroughly.”
Good to know.
“The number could be higher,” I said. “Not every missing person gets reported, right? Like me.”
“True. I still find it hard to believe no one reported you missing.”
“I barely had any friends back then. I stayed away from the gay scene, and my interactions with people in the industry were superficial. Once I met Eliot, I didn’t want to make more friends—he was enough.”
Hayden sighed. “Well, if it helps, I can see why you fell for him; he’s charming like the devil.”
Bile burned in the back of my throat. “I’m glad you’re impressed.”
Hayden held my hand and stroked it with his thumb. “Strictly an observation. I’m putting together everything I can before going to the FBI. Agatha is shaping up to be our strongest link, but I prefer to see what else we can find.”
“Will your aunt be able to get you access to the FBI? You mentioned she doesn’t work there anymore.”
“Yeah, it was a mess when she left, but she can probably direct me to the right people.” He didn’t sound fully convinced.
“I’m sure The Society has people in the FBI who’ll get in your way.”
“That is why I’m taking it slowly. At the moment, I only care about gathering information without drawing attention. I’m still working on those mugshots based on what you’ve told me about Bo. I’ll get an update once they’re ready.”
There was something I needed to ask—something that had been nagging at me ever since Hayden returned into my life. “I’m going to ask you something, and I want you to think before answering.”
“I don’t believe I’ll like that question, but all right.”
“If I weren’t involved in this case, would you still go through with the investigation despite being told to drop it?”
He remained silent for a long time before finally saying, “I would have dropped it. There are other cases waiting on my desk.”
I exhaled, not surprised but troubled. “Then please rethink your decision. I don’t want you to risk your job or your life because of me.”
“And what’s the alternative? You’ll wait another year for them to show up and hurt you? You’ll keep walking with a tracker for the rest of your life?”
“Yes. I’ve been doing that for over a decade, and I’m fine.”
He snorted. “You’re not fine , Jonah. Have you ever been to therapy? Did you talk to anyone about what happened?”
My skin grew hot. “I spoke with a shrink.”
“How many times?”
“For four years. I’m not fucking stupid, Hayden; I knew I should talk to someone.”
“I don’t think you’re stupid. Why did you stop going?”
“Because I was fine.” Though I never told Rebecca about the needles that calmed me down, the tracker in my leg, or the yearly visits. “I went to her when I could afford to pay. After a few sessions, she offered me a discount, so I kept seeing her for years, every single week. Rent, bills, food, and Rebecca—that was how I spent my money.” She had been the one who encouraged me to try sex again, something I had refused to do for years. Since being let go and returning to LA, I had perceived sex as an act of evil, a means of control and degradation. It took a long time and a handful of bad experiences before I could once again enjoy another man’s touch and intimacy.
“I’m glad you got help.”
“Why wouldn’t I? They didn’t break me. Don’t act like I’m broken.”
He moved swiftly and lay on top of me, his face looming above mine. “I don’t think you’re broken. I think you’re so fucking strong it makes me feel weak. Hey, look at me.”
My eyes itched, my vision turning blurry. “I can’t.”
He kissed my chin. “I want so badly to be with you in this, but I’m terrified of saying the wrong thing and driving you away again.”
“I’m not going anywhere.” Not if I could help it.
“Good. Just promise to let me know if I ever hurt you.”
“You can start by not squashing my balls.”
“What? Oh.” He slid away.
“Can we just stay quiet for a bit?” I wiped my eyes.
“Sure.”
I leaned my head against his shoulder, feeling lighter as another piece of my past lay bare between us. I wonder how much more I could reveal and still have him stay. At what point would dark become too dark?
When I was about to suggest we go eat, Hayden’s phone rang. He pulled it out and answered. “Yeah, Sue? For real? That was fast… great, thank you… did you remember to keep this between us? You’re the best.”
He hung up and moved to lean on his elbow. “The mugshots I asked for are ready.”
My stomach churned. I thought we had more time. “Oh.”
“You can look at them whenever you’re ready. No pressure.”
If I had to think about those mugshots waiting for me, it would drive me crazy. “Can we go now?”
“Are you sure you’re up for it?”
“No.” I pushed myself to my feet. “But I want to get it over with.”