EPILOGUE
2007
“ When is it going to start ?”
“Any minute now.”
“It’s been a minute since the last time you said that. And where are the other kids?”
“Princess, I warned you it wouldn’t be your kind of thing.” I look around, and sure enough, Maya’s the only child in the small theater.
“I want to see Jonah act!”
“And you will, in a minute.”
She grunts and crosses her arms.
Despite Death of a Salesman not being appropriate for her age, having her here helps keep my nerves under control. I was the one to suggest that Jonah should try out for a local theater group. He firmly refused, but a few weeks later, he announced that he’d gone to audition and was offered a role in Death of a Salesman . It was the role of the son, Biff, Jonah’s favorite character in the play.
“There he is!” Maya squeals next to me.
I follow the direction of her finger, and sure enough, Jonah’s curly head pokes between the curtains, his eyes darting around the room. He’s nervous; I can tell with a single glance.
“Wait here,” I tell Maya, hoping she’ll listen. I only need to make four people stand before reaching the narrow path leading to the stage. I climb onto it and make my way backstage.
“You can’t be here,” Jonah says as he walks toward me, slightly limping from that damn bullet. Behind him, actors and crew members are finishing getting ready. I smile at Jonah’s costume—a farmer’s clothes, down to the dirty work boots.
“You look great.” With his baby face and curly hair, he makes for the most adorable farmer.
“Thanks, but you still shouldn’t be here.”
“Why are you nervous?” I ask instead.
“Why am I nervous? You know why.”
His face is pale, his brow damp beneath a thin layer of makeup.
I put my hands on his shoulders. “You have nothing to lose by fucking up.”
He cocks his head. “Is that your pep talk?”
“What I mean is—focus on the fun. Nothing hangs in the balance. It’s just going to be you having a blast on that stage. Fuck everything else.”
He crosses his arms and looks away, his jaw tight. “I shouldn’t be doing this. It brings up too many things.”
I feel a pang of guilt, angry at myself for putting this idea in his head in the first place. Despite going through hell and back with this man, his younger years are still a mystery, and I should have known better than to poke where I didn’t belong.
“You can walk away from this,” I say, “if that’s what you think is right.”
He looks around at the other cast members. “It’s too late now.” He draws a breath. “Worst case, I’ll just fuck up.” He winks.
More relieved than he can know, I ask, “Is there a policy against sexually harassing the lead before the show?”
He gives me a warning look. “I’m not the lead, and yes, there is. Go back to your seat before Maya comes here too.”
He has a point, but I still kiss him before returning to my seat.
“Did you see him?” Maya asks.
“Yep, he’s great.”
A minute later, the lights dim. I can barely breathe properly until the second scene starts and Jonah’s on stage. My nervousness vanishes when he begins to act, even though it takes him a few minutes to unwind and lose himself in the character.
Maya clenches my hand tightly, watching intently. She hasn’t been this quiet since the womb.
The only time Jonah almost breaks character is during the second act. It’s a heavy scene between Biff and his father, Willy. When Jonah’s supposed to deliver his next line, his gaze loses focus as if he’s drifting into recollection. The sadness on his face is painful to watch.
Just when I begin to worry, he clears his throat and says, “Why am I trying to become what I don’t want to be… when all I want is out there, waiting for me the minute I say I know who I am?”