Chapter 9
NINE
ARIELLA
‘Lara, I’m not sure I want to go into the zombie apocalypse house.’
I’ve missed my lunches with Lara. We haven’t had the chance to chat since I came home for the wedding, so we decided to meet a little earlier to grab a bite to eat before the experience. I can’t wait to catch up on her news properly and indulge in her unique brand of hostile but useful advice.
‘Come on, it’ll be fun. It’s only an hour and a half. Honey is going back next week and I haven’t spent much time with her. She’s been up and down the country on bloody coach trips.’
‘Why don’t you just take her to dinner rather than have us all fighting pretend zombies for an hour and a half?’
‘I plan to, afterwards. I already have a table for two booked at a fine dining Sri Lankan place.’
‘When is she flying back?’
‘She’s on the same flight as Caleb while I’m stuck here trying to look for a job.’ She frowns.
‘How is that going?’
‘It’s not. I was going to start looking properly when you all leave. CrimeSpree asked me to come and work for him but I’d rather poke my eyes out. At least it’s there should I get desperate though.’
‘I’m not sure you can take it anyway, Lara. Our contract says you can’t touch Ivory Bow clients for two years.’
‘Great. I don’t even have a soul-destroying backup now. Are you still okay to write me a reference?’
‘It’s already written. I just need to press send when I get the email addresses.’
‘Thank you, babe.’
‘Have you given up on finding something in Singapore?’
‘Nope. Just waiting for the dust to settle at Ivory Bow. I plan to send an application to the new CEO, seeing as you destroyed my chances with your self-demotion. Who does that?’
‘It was a lot of pressure. I feel like I have spent every single moment in Singapore trying to be someone else. I’m starting to worry that I won’t know who I am when this is over. I just need things to be normal for a while.’
‘Are they normal now?’
‘Nowhere near it.’
‘What’s going on?’
‘Dominic now owns a third of Ivory Bow and the entire Singapore franchise. I trust and respect him, but I’m worried because we’re attracted to each other?—’
‘That lip-lock in front of your building; I’ve never been prouder!’ Lara makes loud, childish kissing noises.
‘And he is now technically my boss. I wasn’t going to act on it before, but I definitely am not getting involved with my boss.’
‘Caleb will be thrilled to hear that.’
‘I’m not sure Caleb and I are going to work out, Lara.’
‘Why?’
‘He asked me if I was attracted to Dominic.’
‘Please tell me you lied.’
‘No, Lara! That’s why everything is a mess at the moment.’
‘Okay, listen, goodie-two-shoes – you have a lot going on, but hear me out.’
I’m already suspicious of what she’s going to say.
‘Men are disgusting creatures. They just are. No shade. They want to screw everything all the time. That is one of the many reasons why for me they are just – ew. If every man was completely honest with their thoughts all the time, it would be the end of humanity as we know it. I love you, Aari, but you’re dealing with this all wrong. I get that you’re pissed off with him and hurt, but telling the man you want to work things out with that you’re attracted to another man is kind of mean.’
‘I just want to be honest.’
‘Okay, but did he need to know that? Being caught snogging Dominic may have been unfortunate and, while you know I’m firmly in your corner, that would have been excruciating for him to watch. All you’ve done by answering that question is confirm to him that you liked it. Stop it. It’s cruel.’
Lara is right and I feel guilty and ashamed. I want to go to Caleb to make things right as soon as he arrives tonight.
‘And no, you’re not going to do that either,’ Lara says, narrowing her eyes at me.
‘Do what?’
‘Go running back to him and overcompensate for mistakes you made because it makes you uncomfortable. He fucked up with Melissa, big time. You need to take the time to learn to live with what he did and truly forgive him. You also fucked up – maybe not as much, but you need to forgive yourself, apologise to him and just not do it again. You’re both dealing with several shit shows all at the same time, and you need to clean it up before you move forward. Together, or not.’
I look at my best friend. She’s changed.
‘Lara, when did you start giving me practical, sensible advice that doesn’t involve choosing violence or arson?’
She reaches over and pokes me with a chopstick.
‘Ow!’ I laugh. There she is. But I’m not done.
‘So, are you going to admit that you more-than-like Honey with all your Sri Lankan fine dining plans or am I going to have to drag it out of you?’ I ask, winking at her.
Lara gives me a dirty look. She doesn’t want to share, which is a first, but I know she’s going to.
‘I like her,’ she whispers, then groans. ‘Like really, really like her.’
I squeal, leap up and give my best friend a hug in the middle of the restaurant.
‘Aaaarrgghh! Get off me!’ Lara shouts and tries to squirm out of my grasp, but eventually gives up and lets me hug her. Other diners are watching us but I don’t care. I eventually return to my seat.
‘You haven’t said anything to her?’
‘Of course not! She obviously knows I’m gay and she’s fine with that, but it’s another thing entirely when you know your gay friend is trying to sleep with you. It’s kind of gross.’
‘But you don’t just want to sleep with her, right?’
‘No. I don’t,’ she admits painfully. I reach out for my friend’s hand and she takes it.
‘Tell her. She might surprise you.’
‘No chance of that. She’s leaving soon.’
I’ve never seen her like this and I have to do something.
‘Come back to Singapore. You can stay with me. You need to wait another two weeks for the revisit time to elapse after we leave, but you should come back out. I can put a good word in with the new CEO, and your track record speaks for itself. The project team could benefit from your experience.’
‘Are you serious?’ She brightens.
I nod and this might be the first time that I have ever seen a tear form in Lara’s eyes.
‘If that doesn’t work, we can explore other avenues,’ I reassure her.
‘We both know there is only one other avenue that is almost guaranteed to work and, as long as I have your blessing, I plan to exploit every angle.’
‘You’re going to target DMVI, aren’t you?’
‘He has a ready-made soft spot I can poke. I have access and influence around something he desperately wants.’ She smiles.
‘Lara!’
‘What? I’m just saying that he has plenty of reasons to want to be nice to me…’
I can see a plan forming already. ‘Lara…’ I warn.
‘Don’t worry. No promises, just letting him know I can be an ally. He’ll just be unaware that he’s not immune to betrayal.’
‘You are so toxic.’ I shake my head.
‘I know!’ She cackles loudly, then does a little happy shimmy as she places some lobster in her mouth. I know I’m going to regret this at some point, but I love her more than the repercussions.
‘Oh. Caleb and Honey are here.’ I point as I spot both of them walking through the entrance and straight to the bar.
‘I’ll pay, you go get them,’ Lara offers.
‘You are currently unemployed, I’ll get this,’ I counter. ‘I’ll join you in a second.’
‘Okay.’ Lara has a last swig of her wine, then gets up to head to the bar.
I take my time. I didn’t want to lie to Caleb but she is right. He didn’t need to know and I didn’t need to answer. I was hurtful, and I hate myself for it. I take a deep breath, then walk over and hug Honey before turning to Caleb.
‘Hi,’ I say quietly.
‘Hi,’ he responds with a small smile, and he digs his hands into the pockets of the wool coat he is wearing over his thick navy hoodie.
‘Can I have a minute outside please?’
‘Sure.’
Caleb walks ahead and opens the door for us. I find a patio heater for us to stand under, and turn to him.
‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be cruel yesterday. I?—’
I don’t get to finish before Caleb steps forward and pulls me into him.
‘I know,’ he whispers into my hair. ‘But we’re about to fight fake zombies and I want us to have a good time tonight. Can we talk about this another time?’
‘It’s busy tonight. I’ll come with you to make sure you catch your train at Waterloo.’
Caleb snakes his hand round my belly protectively from behind and pulls me closer to him on the crowded platform as we wait for the tube. Lara and Honey rushed off to dinner immediately after the zombie house, leaving Caleb and me to make our separate ways home.
I like how safe I feel, being so close to him. I take in the laughter, noise and music filtering through from the busker we walked past as we made our way through the station. I’ve missed the raw, unique energy of London.
‘Did you have a good time?’ Caleb exhales into my hair from behind.
‘Are you kidding?! It was amazing! Terrible food, sickly cocktails, murder, puzzles and zombies? What’s not to love? The actors were so scary. Maybe a little too scary for you, Caleb?’ I tease.
‘No, I was trying to clear a way for us all.’
‘You ran, screaming.’
‘I was luring them away.’
‘We were meant to be silent so we didn’t attract them.’
‘I was sacrificing myself.’ He laughs.
‘Oh I believe you, the group didn’t though.’ I join in with his laughter as he holds me tighter still.
‘You were impressive. How come you were so calm?’
‘I spotted a scare pattern early. Plus, I only volunteered for the puzzles because I didn’t want to have to stand guard against whatever they were going to throw at us.’
‘I’m picking you as my apocalypse partner.’ Caleb spins me round to face him.
‘I’m picking Honey. And that Rowan guy.’ When I exclude Caleb from my imaginary apocalypse plans, he appears to be shocked.
‘He was infuriating. How many times do you think he’s done stuff like that?’
‘He said a lot. He really got into it, so when it comes to the real thing I know he’s going to keep me alive.’
‘I can keep you alive too!’
‘Not when teenage cheerleading zombies are involved.’
‘She jumped out from nowhere!’
I can’t help my laughter.
‘Oh look, there’s Rowan! Let’s go and say hi!’ Caleb says loudly.
‘No!’ I immediately start searching the platform, panicked.
‘Ha! I thought he was your apocalypse partner!’
‘He is, but all’s not lost yet!’
‘That’s good because— Ah, tube’s here.’
We inch forward and Caleb holds on to me as we attempt to squeeze into the carriage. I step into a space made for someone a quarter of the size as the Londoners around me shift and adjust.
‘I’ll get the next door. There’s a gap there.’ He makes sure I’m in safely, then disappears. I watch to make sure he gets on, and prepare to step off just in case he doesn’t. I can just about see his navy-blue hood and jacket combo make it on, in between a sea of bodies smashed together as the tube doors close. I am pushed against the poor gentleman in front of me.
‘Sorry,’ we say at the same time, half smiling with apology. I keep my eyes trained on that hood, ignoring just how close everyone around me is. As the train gets less busy at every station, more of Caleb becomes visible, until I see his beautiful eyes and cautious smile. He starts to move towards me while I am still pinned by my neighbour. After a few stops, Caleb is much closer and we are nearly at a massive interchange that will almost empty the carriage. I’m relieved that we will be able to get off the tube for a few minutes as we change lines to get to Waterloo. I take a look at Caleb and mouth, ‘one more stop’. He laughs and mouths my words back to me and that’s when it hits me. It’s a tiny gesture but it sparks a realisation. He’s still here with me and I am most definitely still here with him. Through Jasper, the move to Singapore, disappointing ourselves, disappointing each other, our insecurities, external interference and confusing emotions. We’re still here. Together. Refusing to let go. I gently push against the gentleman beside me and duck under the arm of my other neighbour, moving closer to him.
‘Sorry,’ I whisper repeatedly as I manoeuvre past moaning Londoners to get to him.
‘What are you doing?’ Caleb mouths at me, perplexed. All I do is smile at him. We hit the interchange before I get to him. As the carriage empties, we reach each other, and he takes my hand to step off the tube. I don’t follow, instead forcing him to stop and face me.
‘Can we stay out a little longer?’ I ask. It’s still early and I don’t want to leave him yet.
‘Sure. I’m supposed to be going over to Em and Tim’s tonight. We’re going to the pub – do you want to come? I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable or?—’
‘I’d love to.’
Caleb keeps our hands interlocked as we step off the tube to change lines and head for Hampstead station.
‘Ariella! What a lovely surprise.’ Em shrieks, then pulls me towards her. I like Em a lot and I reciprocate the lovely welcoming hug she gives me.
‘Em!’ I laugh.
‘You have been a busy young lady! I’ve been stalking you on Instagram and you’re a fashion icon, an industry leader…’
‘It’s cold out here. Can you fangirl inside?’ Caleb pleads.
‘Sure, Bad Boy Black,’ Em says and guffaws, making Caleb groan. She leads us into their cosy living room, where Jack and Tim are relaxing on the couch with a couple of drinks.
‘Ariella!’ they say at the same time before getting up to hug me, making me feel like I belong.
‘What would you like to drink?’ Tim asks as he lets go.
‘Please may I have some water?’
‘There’s champagne? We’re celebrating Caleb’s imminent return to Singapore and being free of his nuisance,’ Jack teases Caleb as he hugs and holds on to me.
‘That’s enough hugging for you,’ Caleb says, shooing Jack away.
I settle into the comfort of Em and Tim’s home. They may be Caleb’s friends but I feel like they are mine too.
‘Is Lou joining us?’ I ask as I sit next to Caleb on the couch.
‘We’re taking a break,’ Jack says, nonchalantly.
‘Are you okay?’
‘I’m fine, she isn’t though.’
‘Is she still calling? She promised me she’d give you some space,’ Em says.
‘No, but we’ve been texting. She thinks I’m seeing someone else, though, which I’m not.’
‘She must miss being with you all.’
‘I still see her away from the boys, but yeah. It’s not the same without her,’ Em says. ‘It’s also nowhere near the same without you and Caleb. How is Singapore?’ she asks me, quickly changing the subject.
‘Good. Busy. Lots of changes, but nothing insurmountable.’
‘What changes?’ Em asks.
‘We have a new owner.’
‘That can’t have gone down well?’
‘It’s okay. I’m locked into a two-year contract, which gives me enough time to do the best I can with the transition before I leave.’
‘Are you going to stay in Singapore?’
‘No. I want to come home.’
‘You do?’ Caleb asks, looking at me intently.
‘Yes. I have no intention of staying any longer than I have to.’
‘Will you come back to your old role?’ Em asks.
‘I don’t think so. I want to do something completely different. I’m just not sure what that will be.’
‘You should open a restaurant,’ Jack exclaims, his eyes shining.
‘Yes!’ Tim and Caleb say at the same time.
‘Jasper tried to buy me a restaurant years ago. I’ve looked into it, and I know a lot of chefs. But the probability of financial failure is extremely high and I think I might need something a little quieter. Work is noisy and I could really use a break.’
I feel Caleb lace his fingers through mine and give them a squeeze.
‘I’m gutted I won’t be able to have any of your cooking before you leave,’ Jack muses.
‘Are you that good?’ Em asks with a supportive smile on her face.
‘Yes!’ The three boys all nod enthusiastically.
‘These two I get, but you can calm down, Tim. It’s not like you’re suffering!’ Em humorously reprimands her husband.
‘She is that good, Em,’ Tim affirms happily.
‘I was going to make you ingrates some dinner, but now?—’
‘Ariella, you can make it!’ Jack says too quickly, making us all laugh.
‘Cheers, Jack,’ Em says.
‘Please? Em, you have to try her cooking!’ he reinforces.
‘Do you mind?’ Caleb whispers and I shake my head. He squeezes my hand.
‘So now I’m curious.’ Em chuckles. ‘You don’t mind, do you?’
‘It’s been a while, but I’d love to.’
Em and I spend the next fifteen minutes going through her fridge, freezer and pantry. I settle on some simple salted garlic, thyme and toasted bay leaf lamb steaks, served with minted peas and honey-glazed carrots.
‘It’s so good to see you, Ariella,’ Em says as she grabs a bag of frozen peas from the freezer and tosses it on the counter.
‘It’s lovely to see you too. How have things been?’
‘Mixed. Prosecco?’ she asks. I nod and two glasses appear. ‘Tim is working a lot, the boys are growing up too quickly and, while Alfie still needs me, I’m beginning to realise that unless I want to have another baby I need to start thinking about who I am when I’m not a wife or mother.’
‘That sounds brave. Redefining the person you have been for so long takes a lot of courage. How long have you been feeling like this?’
‘I think the feeling has always been there for the last sixteen years, partly because we got married when Tim was twenty-one and I was nineteen. I was in my first year at uni when we found out that Seb was coming. Leo followed shortly after. Then Alfie much later. I suppose I slipped into a Wife and Mum identity and stayed there.’
‘What were you studying at university?’
‘Fine art,’ Em says with a frown on her face.
‘Would you consider going back to it?’
‘Not sure. Things are very different now.’
‘That’s true, but you’d be surrounded by people who are also trying to learn the same things as you. My suggestion would be to maybe start with something you know you love and navigate from there, but only if you want to.’
‘I could start a course from home? You and Caleb literally moved country and your worlds didn’t shatter. I can sit at a computer for a couple of hours a day.’
‘You could, and your world most certainly won’t shatter.’ I try to sound upbeat but I hear the break in my voice at the end. I really like Em and I feel privileged that she is trusting me with her inner thoughts. I really don’t want to make the conversation about me.
‘Ariella, are you okay?’ Em walks over and puts her hand on my shoulder.
The ball of fear, uncertainty and hurt I’m holding on to rises to the top and a tear falls. And then another. After that they are unstoppable.
‘Ariella, tell me what’s wrong,’ Em soothes gently, rubbing my back the way my mother would. It’s out before I can stop it.
‘Our world did shatter, Em.’
‘Oh, that. Yes. He told Tim and me.’
‘He did?’
‘Yes. I can’t imagine how you must be feeling, but he needs you to get through it. You’re so good for him, Ariella.’
‘I don’t know if I can get through it.’
‘You have to. For him. If you love him.’
‘I do, but I need to be able to trust him. He kept it a secret for so long, Em, and because he did…She’s going to get away with it.’
‘It makes my blood boil too, but it’s not his fault, Ariella.’
‘He was complicit, Em. He should have said something sooner.’
Em steps back from me and crosses her arms against her chest. She has always been protective over Caleb and I can understand why she may be defensive, but the last thing I expected is the rage I can feel emanating from her.
‘I’m sorry that I’ve upset you, Em,’ I say quietly, stepping towards her. She steps back, disgusted.
‘He was raped. How could you possibly think that it was his fault?’
The words hit me like a blow to the stomach and I start to feel a cold, familiar, calm numbness settle over me.
‘What did you just say?’
I see the anger drain from Em’s face. It is replaced with horror. She thought I knew.
‘Ariella…’
‘Caleb was raped? By who? Melissa?’
Em’s hands are shaking as she nods nervously. I finally let comforting nothingness infiltrate my emotions, and welcome it. It’s too much to process, think about and understand all at once.
‘I’m going to finish making this meal and deliver my polite excuses and leave.’
‘Ariella, please?—’
‘Em, that’s the only way this evening is going to end without me falling to pieces. I’d appreciate it if you keep our conversation to yourself. I need to think.’
Em sits at the kitchen island and silently watches me as I quietly prep, cook and plate their meals.
I call a car before Em tells them dinner is ready.
‘I’m sorry, I need to head home,’ is all I say, before I walk through the house to stand outside. Caleb follows.
‘Stay a little while longer?’ he asks.
I look at the man I love and kiss him deeper and longer than I have ever kissed anyone. This is all I have. There are no words to describe what is going on in my head. When we break away, he has the wrong idea.
‘Let’s go home together. I don’t need to stay.’
‘No. Stay. I love you so much, Caleb.’ A tear escapes, signalling the departure of my inner armour.
‘Aari?’ he says as my car pulls up.
‘I’ll see you soon,’ I say, and quickly walk away.
The anger at Melissa, frustration with Caleb, helplessness and powerlessness that I’d kept at bay as I diverted all my focus to cooking catches up with me and erupts in the back of that car as it whisks me back to Surrey. I sob until I have no more tears left to cry.