26. Apologies
Chapter 26
Apologies
Lila
“Hope you like it,” Cole says, plopping down beside me on the couch. I take the glass of red wine he offers me, downing its contents in one gulp.
“Whoa. Slow down there, cowgirl,” he chuckles.
“Sorry. I’ve never been much of a drinker, and the wine relaxes me when I have a lot on my mind,” I trail off, looking away from him.
“Let me guess. You’re regretting the decision to come out tonight?” he asks, his forehead creasing. I wish I could say I was, but the truth is I don’t.
“I just meant, um—” I struggle to articulate my thoughts. It’s hard to stay focused when he watches me with those unnerving eyes.
“Actually, I don’t regret any part of tonight. It ended up being fun,” I say, opting to just keep it simple.
“For me too. You know, tonight was the first time in years that I’ve truly enjoyed the company of a wom…it was a good night for me too,” Cole finishes softly. I stare into his gleaming eyes, suddenly drawn to him with a force that threatens to steal the breath right out of my lungs.
“You know, Sue and Greg always mentioned that there’s more to you than meets the eye. Tell me about you,” I say, the alcohol making me feel bold. “I’d really like to know the real Cole Matthews.”
“You don’t really want to know the kind of man I am, or what made me that way.”
He looks away from me, an unreadable expression on his face.
I sit quietly, unsure of what else to say. The Cole Matthews I’ve known in the loosest sense of the word for eight years has always been a villain. Yet now he sounds almost vulnerable. Like a man who’s been hurt before. I can’t picture anyone ever being able to hurt Cole. It’s hard to picture a man like that ever having gone through any pain himself. I always figured he was the one inflicting the pain, but I’m not so sure anymore.
“I’m sorry. It’s really not my place,” I say when the silence persists.
“Don’t be. Plus, you deserve an answer. It’s the least I can do,” he says.
“If you’re sure,” I say softly.
“I guess now is as good a time as any.” He laughs humorlessly, downing his glass of wine and pouring himself another, which he proceeds to gulp down too.
“Look, I know what you think of me. You’ve done a good job pretending to get along with me this last month we’ve been working together,” he says. “It’s no secret how you feel about me. I know deep down you hate me, and I can’t say I blame you.”
“Cole, I—I don’t—”
“No, it’s okay. You don’t have to feel bad about it because you’re right to do so. I deserve it. There’s no forgiving what I did to you eight years ago. I’ve never truly apologized, Lila. Not it the way that I should. You know, apologies have always been something I’ve struggled with, and when you grow up the way I did...”
He doesn’t finish the sentence, but the weight of his words hangs heavy in the air.
“Growing up the way you did? What do you mean?” I ask, my throat tightening.
“I grew up in an orphanage,” he says finally, his gaze fixed somewhere above my head, unseeing. “I don’t have any family. Never did. As you can imagine, it wasn’t exactly the ideal setup for a kid.”
My heart picks up speed. Somehow, I know whatever he’s about to say will change the way I see him forever.
“I don’t like blaming my actions on my past,” he continues, his voice low and controlled, as if he’s holding back a tide of emotion. “I’m an adult. I take responsibility for my actions, but sometimes…sometimes I can’t help but wonder if it all goes back to that time. The childhood I lived. It created this…hole, a void that nothing ever seems to fill.”
“Growing up, I wanted what every kid wants—love, safety, a family. The basics. But I didn’t get any of it. And when you grow up with nothing, you learn to chase everything. You chase anything that might make you feel whole.”
I clench my fists, fighting the urge to reach for him. His words are jagged, like they’re cutting him from the inside out as he speaks.
He pauses, his hands curling into fists in his lap. “When I was younger, it was girls, parties, anything that made the emptiness go away, even for a moment. Then I outgrew that phase and poured myself into work. I built my company from scratch. Turned nothing into a billion-dollar empire. People look at me now and think I’ve got it all.” He lets out a bitter laugh. “But it’s never enough. It never fills that hole. I don’t know if it ever will.”
His voice grows quieter, like the words are dragging something out of him he didn’t want to share. “That’s the thing about me, Lila. No matter how much I have, I’ll always be that scrawny kid in the orphanage, staring at the world through a window and knowing it’ll never be mine. I’ve spent my whole life trying to prove that wrong, and yet…” he trails off, shaking his head.
My heart aches in a way I didn’t think was possible. I’ve always had my family—my parents and my sister, Jo. They’re my foundation, my constant in a sometimes cruel world. Then there’s Cole, who’s spent his entire life without that. Alone.
He pauses, looking down at his hands. “But it wasn’t always like this,” he says softly. “Once, I was a different man. A better man.”
My chest tightens. I don’t know what’s coming, but the venom in his voice tells me it won’t be good.
“I was in love once,” he says, so softly I have to strain to hear him. “She was everything to me. Her name was Lydia. She walked into my life when I wasn’t even looking, and for a while, I thought she was my future. We were going to have it all. A house, a family. A perfect life together.” His voice hardens. “Two years. Two years of what I thought was perfection. I even asked her to marry me. She was pregnant. I was on top of the world. It was all going to be like some silly fucking fairytale.” He chuckles, shaking his head in bewilderment that he could even believe such a thing.
“I was planning this big surprise for her at work, something to show her how much I loved her, how excited I was for our future.” He pauses, and something cold wraps around my chest, squeezing. “Except I got the reality check of my life when I accidentally bumped into her getting fucked against a wall by her boss.”
Oh my God. My stomach drops.
“I couldn’t understand it. I mean, I’d done everything right. I’d loved her. I would’ve done anything for her—given everything for her. But it wasn’t enough. It had never been enough. She’d been screwing her boss the entire time we’d been engaged, and the child wasn’t even mine,” he chuckles humorlessly, but I can’t bring myself to make a single sound.
“I wasn’t enough. Couldn’t give her the type of money and fancy things she wanted,” he says coldly. “That’s all she cared about. What all women care about.” The venom in his voice is cutting. “Finding something like that out…it does something to you. Changes you, shifts your entire perspective about life and people. But in hindsight, it was the best thing that could’ve happened to me. If it hadn’t happened, then I would’ve married her and been raising a kid that wasn’t even mine, with a woman who was never really mine either.”
My heart hurts for him. I feel like I haven’t taken in a single breath the entire time he’s been speaking, and I force myself to breathe.
“It gave me a clear purpose of what I had to do with my life,” he says, his face hardening. “I used that anger as the fuel I needed to really focus on my career. I channeled all that hurt, turned it into laser sharp focus, and I built my company. I was done with love after that. Done with women, at least in that sense. I got on a flight the very next day and flew down here for Greg’s wedding.”
Wait—the very next day?
“And that’s when we met.” He lifts his gaze to meet mine, and for a second, I see a flicker of something vulnerable.
Oh my God.
I feel tears sting the backs of my eyes, but I don’t let them fall. Not now. Not when he’s baring his soul to me in a way I could have never imagined.
I realize I’m holding my breath again, and slowly let it out.
“Cole…” I whisper, but my voice breaks, and I don’t know what to say.
Finally, it all starts to make sense. Like pieces of a puzzle falling into place.
I think back to all the times Sue’s defended him over the years, saying that was not a true reflection of the type of man he was. I just thought she was sticking up for her husband’s best friend, but it turns out she and Greg were right.
“I was in a really bad place when I met you, Lila,” Cole continues, his voice low and rough, like the words are scraping against something raw inside him. “It doesn’t excuse how I treated you that day, but I hope you can try to understand. Even just a little.” His eyes drop to his hands, his shoulders slumping slightly under the weight of what he’s confided. “It wasn’t your fault. It was never your fault. And you didn’t deserve any of it. From the moment I saw you, I could tell you were…exceptional. The wedding was beautiful. Everything you did that day was flawless. But I couldn’t appreciate it then. I couldn’t see past my own anger, my own pain.” He pauses, his voice dropping. “I was so angry, Lila. So damn angry at the world.”
He looks up at me briefly, but the moment our eyes meet, he glances away again, his gaze falling somewhere over my shoulder. “I’m so sorry, Lila. For the way I spoke to you, for the things I said. I was an asshole to you when you were just doing your job, and it’s never been something I was proud of. Not for one second.”
I open my mouth to respond, but nothing comes out. I try again, but my throat closes up, and my brain feels blank, empty, like a canvas wiped clean.
“Why?” I finally manage to choke out. My voice is quiet, shaky. “Why didn’t you ever say anything? All these years…we’ve run into each other at events. Your best friend is my best friend’s husband. Yet you never tried to talk to me. You never tried to make it right.”
My voice rises, frustration bleeding into the hurt I’ve held onto for so long. “I would’ve understood, Cole. If you’d just said something, I would’ve listened. And maybe…” My words catch, and I swallow hard, fighting the burn in my throat.
Maybe I wouldn’t have spent all those nights beating myself up over the things you said. Maybe I wouldn’t have spent all these years hating you so much.
Cole flinches, his jaw tightening as he listens. “I wanted to, Lila,” he says after a long pause, his voice barely audible. “I really did. But Greg mentioned how he and Sue both tried to talk to you multiple times, but you threatened to never talk to them again if they ever brought up my name,” he says. “After a while I didn’t think it would matter. I saw it in your eyes, every time you looked at me. The judgment, the hatred. I knew what you thought of me, and I didn’t think there was anything I could do to change that. Not after so much time had passed. It felt…too late.”
He exhales, the sound heavy, resigned. “As crazy as it sounds, I was happy that Sue asked me to work with you. I hoped it would only be a matter of time until I could get an opening to give you the kind of apology you deserve. It may already be too late,” Cole says, his voice soft, almost hesitant. “But I’m glad to finally say it. I’ve carried those words around for years, and it’s a relief to get them off my chest.”
I sit back, the tension in my body refusing to ease even as the words sink in. Too late. He thought it was too late to apologize. And maybe he’s right, but hearing him now, seeing the way his regret weighs on him—it stirs something inside me I don’t know how to name.
“The truth is, I’ve watched you for years, Lila. I’ve seen your strength, your resilience. Every event you’ve planned, every single one—has blown me away. I’m sorry that I ever made you feel like you were not good at your job. For what it’s worth, I think you’re amazing.”
The sincerity in his voice wraps around me, pulling down my defenses before I can stop it. My heart melts into a puddle. Tears sting the backs of my eyes, and my throat tightens painfully.
I want to respond, to let him know how much his words mean to me, but I’m afraid if I open my mouth, I’ll fall apart. So I nod, swallowing the lump in my throat and forcing a shaky smile. “It’s worth a lot. Thank you for saying that.”
My voice is barely above a whisper, and I blink rapidly, willing the tears to stay put. I’m not about to cry in front of Cole Matthews, no matter how raw and intense this moment feels.
He nods in return, his gaze flicking to the empty wine bottle between us. “How about I grab us another bottle?” he says, his voice quiet, almost reflective.
His eyes glint with an emotion I can’t quite name as he stands, lingering for just a second before disappearing through the door. I watch him go, the sound of his footsteps fading into the silence he’s left behind.
And in the stillness, I let out the breath I didn’t realize I was holding.