Chapter 12
12
We spend the rest of the afternoon soaking up the sun, and I flick through one of Mum’s magazines, reading about celebrities and what clothes are hot right now. Jamie and Laurie are playing ping-pong on a table they found in one of the outhouses, and Alex and Kate are … colouring.
‘I don’t understand,’ Dad says, peering over at them. ‘He has a whole book of drawings and carries that pencil case with him everywhere?’
‘I believe so,’ Mum replies.
‘I can hear you,’ Alex says, without looking up.
‘I’m only curious, son,’ Dad replies. ‘That’s all. You didn’t even like colouring in when you were little. I’m just surprised.’
‘It’s quite therapeutic actually,’ says Kate. ‘You should come and try it.’
I look over at Dad and he shrugs.
‘I’ll do some,’ I say, wandering over to their set-up across the table. Alex has an A4 page of three men engaging in various sexual acts in front of him, one-third of it coloured in. ‘Classy,’ I comment, pointing at it.
‘It’s whatever holds your interest, isn’t it?’ Alex shrugs. ‘Kate chose a woman getting oral sex off an octopus, a rip-off of that famous painting of the fisherman’s wife or whatever it’s called, but I don’t hear you judging her.’
‘Is it porn then?’ Dad asks, suddenly more interested. He comes and stands beside me and picks up the pad of drawings that Kate and Alex have ripped their ‘art’ from. ‘A Kama Sutra Colouring Book ,’ he reads off the front. As he opens it up, he says, ‘Look, Vee! We know this one, don’t we?’
‘Dad!’ I squeal, disgusted, as Alex says, ‘Ha ha. Just pick one and start colouring. Kate and I are cross-hatching our lines, so it looks even better. Like this, see?’ Alex demonstrates lightly running his pencil in one direction and then going over the top in another, so that all the lines are less visible.
‘I remember learning cross-hatching with Ms Watts at school,’ I say. I feel like if I know what cross-hatching is, I might be good at this – and being good at stuff is my kink. ‘Go on then, I’ll do it, too.’
I leaf through the book and find a drawing of two people fully clothed and kissing passionately. They look happy, like the whole point of life is to enjoy each other. I like it.
Mum and Dad pick one each, too – I refuse to acknowledge which Kama Sutra positions they’ve chosen, and we work side-by-side for a while, the only noise coming from Jamie and Laurie playing ping-pong.
‘Have it!’ Laurie gleefully shouts after he sends the ball sailing past Jamie’s head. As Jamie goes to retrieve it, he adds, ‘I feel like I’m playing a brick wall, to be honest with you. Where’s your head at, Kramer? It’s not like you not to put up a fight.’
Jamie doesn’t say anything, simply glances at me and then takes his serve.
‘Gosh,’ says Mum after a while. ‘I see what you mean. Something about the strokes back and forth, concentrating on staying in the lines …’
‘Yes,’ agrees Dad. ‘A moving meditation of sorts.’
Mum points to the air in delight. ‘Yes, darling,’ she says. ‘You’re so clever, that’s it entirely!’
‘I love how kind you two are to each other,’ says Kate. ‘My parents like each other, but I wouldn’t say they champion each other as you do.’
‘Oh, Kate,’ says Mum, ‘that’s a lovely compliment. Thank you.’
Over at the ping-pong table, Jamie gives away another point.
‘You’re welcome,’ Kate replies, putting back the dark red I’ve been waiting ages for.
‘And I will say, I think you and Laurie do a beautiful job of supporting and championing each other, too. That’s all I want for my children: for them to live bold lives with partners who want the best for them.’
‘I’m working on it, Mum, I can promise you that much,’ says Alex, once again not looking up. I’m startled by the admission: Alex plays lovable rogue with a heart of gold, but has never outwardly said he’d like to settle down.
‘Really?’ I ask, not doing a very good job of hiding my shock.
‘What, because I’m such a Lothario?’ he bats back, and I can hear the edge in his tone.
‘No judgement,’ I say, ‘I just didn’t know. It’s … nice. You deserve nice.’
Alex looks up and crinkles his nose at me. I crinkle my nose back.
‘Do you ever think about settling down, Florence?’ Dad asks. ‘In the abstract, I mean. A husband, kids …?’
‘Dammit!’ Jamie shouts, throwing down his ping-pong bat. ‘That’s it, mate, I’m out. You won. I’ll beat your arse tomorrow.’ He puts his hands behind his head and closes his eyes. We all watch him, and then the attention comes back to me.
I take a breath to decide how I feel about being asked about settling down. I don’t think Dad is asking with any judgement, either, but I can sense Mum is holding her breath for my reply.
‘In the abstract, yeah,’ I offer. ‘Of course. I mean, Kate’s right about how you and Mum support each other. It’s pretty rare.’
‘Hard-agree,’ says Alex. ‘It’s a tough act to follow. Most men I date either don’t want to “settle down” or – and this is an awful thing to say, but it is my experience – see that I’m a doctor and think they can be the main home-maker while I go off to work. And I don’t want either of those things! A proper fifty–fifty set-up is—’
‘Elusive,’ offers Kate. ‘I think so, too. Laurie and I have to work at being equal, to be fair, but I think that’s half the battle: finding somebody who wants to figure that out with you. And, you know, it’s not always fifty–fifty, is it? Sometimes it’s twenty–eighty and sometimes it’s ninety-five–five, depending on what’s going on with everyone.’
‘But knowing it all works out in the end?’ offers Mum.
‘Exactly,’ says Kate. ‘God, we’re getting a bit deep and meaningful, aren’t we?’
‘It’s the pencils,’ says Alex sagely. ‘They’re a gateway to emotional honesty and peace.’
‘Well,’ says Dad, ‘I wouldn’t go that far. But I see where you’re coming from.’
‘You look nice.’
Jamie.
I’m in ‘our’ room, putting the finishing touches to my make-up. Adonis texted and said to come down to the beach. Kate and Laurie are having a lovebirds’ night and everyone else is chilling out here, but it feels like a waste of where we are to stay in again, since I stayed in last night, and the one before. Mum practically hit send on the text for me, she’s that eager for me to go out and enjoy yourself, darling. You’re only young once!
‘Thanks,’ I reply, looking at him in the reflection of the vanity mirror.
Neither of us speaks after that, but Jamie doesn’t leave.
‘Was there something you needed?’ I ask, when I can’t take the silence any longer.
He shakes his head. ‘No,’ he replies.
I nod, slipping lipstick into my bag and spinning round on the chair to stand up.
Jamie looks me up and down and smiles softly. ‘You look really nice,’ he reiterates.
I can’t quite find it in me to say something witty or self-deprecating even, so I give a shy smile and suddenly feel twenty levels of self-conscious. ‘Are you staying here?’ I ask.
He shrugs. ‘Jasmine said to meet down in the town, but …’
I wait for him to give me his but. He doesn’t.
‘Oh,’ I offer. ‘Well, I’m sure that would be …’
Jamie waits for me to give him my verdict. I don’t.
‘Yeah,’ he says. ‘I dunno.’
I nod – at what, I’m not sure.
‘I’d better go,’ I say, slipping out of the door behind him.
At the bar where Adonis told me to meet him, he’s sitting at a table on the veranda with a group of people who are hanging on every word he says. But when he sees me, he interrupts himself and stands up to greet me, making me feel like the most special girl in the room.
‘You came!’ he says, kissing both of my cheeks.
‘Yeah,’ I say. ‘I promised I would.’
He shrugs as we settle in at his crowded table.
‘Everyone, this is Flo,’ he says, going round the table and saying names as he points. The only name that sticks is Jasmine. It’s Jamie’s Jasmine. The hair, the silly laugh – I remember both, from the cave. I give her a quick smile and settle in beside Adonis.
‘I played water games with Flo and her family at their villa today,’ Adonis tells them all. ‘I nearly drowned. They are very competitive.’
Everyone laughs and I lightly throw up my hands as if to say, What can I say? We can’t help it!
‘I grew up with two brothers,’ I respond. ‘I’ve had to learn to hold my own.’
Across the table Jasmine frowns. ‘I thought you had three brothers,’ she says.
I shake my head.
‘At the beach BBQ,’ she presses on. ‘There was …’
‘Oh,’ I say, understanding. ‘Jamie isn’t my brother. He’s my brother’s best friend. Adonis got it mixed up, too.’
‘Ohhh,’ she nods. ‘Well, he’s very handsome.’
I pull a face. ‘I couldn’t possibly comment,’ I say. ‘I suppose I don’t see him that way.’
I feel myself burning at the cheeks and tuck my hair behind my ear, willing the conversation to move on.
‘I thought he might be here,’ Jasmine persists. ‘I told him to come.’
‘He mentioned that actually,’ I reply. ‘I think he might be staying at the villa, though.’
Jasmine motions for Adonis to stand up and switch chairs with her.
‘Girl talk,’ she commands, and Adonis does as he is told. When she’s next to me, Jasmine leans in and whispers, ‘I don’t want to seem needy – can you text him and encourage him to get down here? Not to kiss and tell, but I’m kinda into finishing what we started the other night, if you know what I mean.’ She gives a leery wink, and I am gobsmacked. I do not want to be talking about Jamie with her.
‘Urm,’ I say, staring at the table dead ahead of me.
‘Pretty please?’ she begs. ‘Girl code means you have to. Come on!’
There’s no logical reason why I wouldn’t help this girl out by texting Jamie, except for the fact that the thought of him with Jasmine makes me want to throw my cheap drink in her face.
I smile, forcing myself to seem more amenable than I feel. At the end of the day, I am here with Adonis. Should I care what Jamie does? Maybe he won’t even come.
‘Sure,’ I say, picking up my phone to fire off a missive.
Jamie doesn’t text back, but as we all mosey on down to the beach where there’s a fire and somebody has a guitar, he appears like an apparition at the edge of the sand. I nod at him, but don’t get up. Adonis has slipped his hand into mine and pulls me across onto his lap as we settle in around the fire. This is me, having fun, being young and wild and free, exactly like my mother tells me to be. And that Jamie has come to spend time with his Jasmine is absolutely fine. That’s his prerogative. He doesn’t owe me anything. In fact obviously we’re supposed to be learning how to be friends, so this is what friends do: they go to the same parties, don’t they, and they’re happy for one another’s holiday flings, or whatever. I don’t even know if I still fancy Adonis. He is gorgeous , but is that enough?
‘You’re so beautiful,’ Adonis whispers in my ear. Objectively, he is very handsome, and he gets on with everyone and is charismatic and fun. But it’s hard to ignore that he doesn’t make my heart skip a beat. I like his attention, but I don’t feel like I’d die without it. Is Holiday Flo trying too hard?
I look up just in time to see Jamie staring at us, but he glances away quickly, as if he wasn’t staring at all. My heart skips a beat for him, merely from seeing him across the sand – but I shake my head, willing the thought away. Maybe this is part of the exposure therapy, that in order to transcend his rejection I need to acknowledge, if only to myself, that he bruised my heart last Christmas. It’s untenable, hating being around him. This tender spot will not last. It can’t. Adonis tightens his grip on me, and I give him a smile.
‘I’m going to get another beer,’ I say. ‘Want anything?’
He shakes his head. ‘No thank you, pretty girl,’ he replies, and it gives me The Ick.
I wander over to the cool box and grab a beer, and Jamie appears at my side.
‘Evening, Cupid,’ he says, and I cock an eyebrow at him.
‘I prefer Facilitator of Love’s Young Dream actually,’ I bat back.
‘Let’s not get carried away,’ Jamie laughs. ‘I’m not sure I’ll stay much longer.’
‘No?’ I say. ‘Jasmine seems … hopeful.’
‘Hopeful?’
‘Hopeful of getting in your pants,’ I say. ‘If I may be so blunt.’
Jamie blinks slowly. ‘I don’t know how I feel about that ,’ he tells me. ‘But thanks for the heads-up.’
We stand. We drink.
‘Things going well with the Greek god?’ Jamie asks, after a beat.
I search for my response by looking up at the dark sky.
‘Sorry,’ he says, before I can answer. ‘I don’t know why I asked that. I don’t actually want to know.’
My eyes shoot to his. We look at each other.
‘Why … wouldn’t you want to know?’ I ask, so quietly I’m not sure I have even spoken.
Jamie lowers his voice to be equally low.
‘I think you know, Flo,’ he says, and my breath has become so shallow I could almost be hyperventilating.
I shake my head. ‘I don’t …’ I say, not understanding. Jamie doesn’t want me. Why would he infer he doesn’t want anybody else to have me?
‘Pretty lady, I thought you had left!’ Adonis slips his hand into mine and nods at Jamie.
‘Evening,’ Jamie says petulantly, but when I try and catch his eye again, he’s busy looking anywhere but at me.
‘Jasmine is over there,’ Adonis says, pointing her out with a group of girls over by a windbreaker. ‘Florence? Shall we walk?’
I don’t give an answer, just start going in the direction Adonis is tugging me in, and it takes a lot not to look back to see if Jamie is going to stop us.
Adonis doesn’t speak as we trudge through the sand to the exact same cave we went to last time. I don’t know why I’m doing this. I don’t want to be alone with him. I’m pretending.
He spins me round so that we’re chest-to-chest and leans down to kiss me. He goes in hard and fast, not soft and tender, like I tend to prefer. It’s like we’re having two different conversations: he’s on one topic and I’m on another. As I’m trying to figure out how I feel about his intensity, Adonis cups my face and runs his hands back through my hair, where he tugs.
‘Oh!’ I say, in a cross between surprise and pain.
‘You like?’ he asks, but I don’t. He doesn’t wait for an answer – his mouth is back on mine, swallowing all my words. This is a whole new side to the man. He’s being rough, and forceful. He either hasn’t noticed that I’m not reciprocating or doesn’t care.
I try to get into the mood, let myself be kissed and experiment with how it feels to submit to this dominance.
‘You’re mine, aren’t you?’ he says. ‘Nobody else can have you, because you are mine.’
That seems too full-on, but I don’t know how to pull back and ascertain the limits of what ‘mine’ means. I’m not anybody’s. No woman is a possession of any man. But obviously saying so would ruin the mood.
‘Mmmm,’ I say, thinking, I need to leave. I don’t want this.
‘Show me,’ Adonis says, pulling away and pushing down on the top of my head, making it very clear that he wants me on my knees.
‘Urm …’ I say. ‘I don’t think—’
‘Go on,’ he presses. ‘I need you …’ His hands fall to my wrists, where he holds on and grips tightly.
‘Let go,’ I say, a growing sense of unease pulsing through me.
‘Come on,’ he says. ‘Don’t be a tease.’
He moves his massive, commanding body in a way that almost makes me fall to the floor, but I’m just strong enough to resist.
‘Stop,’ I reply, trying to get out from his grasp. It doesn’t work. ‘Hey,’ I repeat. ‘Stop!’
‘SHE SAID STOP!’ comes Jamie’s voice. ‘Get the hell off her.’
Adonis lets go and pulls me towards him in a hug, so that my face is against his chest. ‘Fuck off, man,’ Adonis says. ‘This is private.’
‘Flo?’ Jamie asks, and I push Adonis away and hate that I have tears in my eyes, that he could make me feel this way and that Jamie gets to bear witness.
With both hands I launch myself at Adonis’s chest, hard, so that he stumbles back, and then I run as fast as I can out of there, leaving both men behind me.
I don’t even know where my shoes are. I run past the bonfire, up to the main road and let my bare feet hit the rough stones of it, and then the dirt path that leads back to the villa in darkness.
Fortunately I have my bag looped over my body, so I have my phone. I’m trembling as I fumble at the zip and struggle to get hold of it.
‘Shit,’ I say, looking at my fingers wobble.
‘It’s adrenaline,’ Jamie says, from further down the hill. ‘That’s all. You’ll shake it off in a minute.’
I look at him. ‘What the fuck?’ I say. ‘That fucking … that horrible …’
Jamie comes closer and lingers opposite me.
‘Do you want to be hugged?’ he asks, and I nod miserably. When his arms are wrapped around me, I let the first tear fall, and then another, and then I am sobbing uncontrollably.
‘I know,’ Jamie says, stroking my hair. ‘I know. That wasn’t your fault.’
I feel so ashamed. I should never have gone into the cave with Adonis, never made him think that’s what I wanted. I knew, on some level – even if I didn’t want to admit it to myself – that I didn’t want him, but I went with him anyway.
‘It’s not your fault,’ Jamie keeps telling me, over and over again. ‘Okay? Just breathe, Flo. Do it with me: in … and out …’
He pulls back, so that he can hold my face between his hands and look me in the eye as he demonstrates extra-deep breaths. I follow him, and move a hand to rub over my heart.
‘I’m okay,’ I say. ‘I’m okay, I’m okay, I’m okay …’
Jamie reaches out and puts his hand to mine and tells me, ‘You are.’
We stand, with Jamie watching me like a hawk, I suppose to assess how traumatised I feel. The answer is: quite a lot.
‘I don’t know what would have happened if you hadn’t been there,’ I say. ‘That’s what really gets me. That’s why I’m freaking out.’
Jamie shakes his head no. ‘Flo, you would have kicked him in the balls, and Adonis would have deserved it. But I was there. So.’
I digest this.
‘Yeah,’ I say. And then, ‘Wait. But why were you there?’
Jamie blows out air with puffed-up cheeks, like it’s the sixty-four-thousand-dollar question. Finally he says, ‘You know why, Flo.’
I blink.
‘No, I don’t,’ I reply, and it comes out louder than I mean it to, because it’s true: I don’t. Not intellectually. My body hints that it might know something, but my brain understands the facts as clear as day: Jamie is a womaniser. I almost let him in, and he blew it. He doesn’t think I’m worth it. We’re not meant to be.
He sighs. ‘Not now,’ he says. ‘Come on. Let’s get home, yeah?’
I nod. Okay.
I don’t realise I’m holding on to his arm like a chaste Victorian aunt taking the air in the park until we’re almost home, and when I do, I immediately feel super-weird about it. I let go.
‘Sorry,’ I mumble. ‘I didn’t even know I was doing that.’
‘No worries,’ Jamie says. ‘I don’t mind.’
I slip my arm back through his without saying anything. I feel calmer now. What just happened was horrible, and Adonis is an ass, but I’m away from it and all right, and holding on to Jamie makes me feel safe. Jamie makes me feel safe, like he looks out for me. Like he’ll always look out for me …
‘Nightcap?’ he asks, when we’re back. ‘For your nerves? You don’t have to. It’s only an idea.’
The house is dark, everyone already in bed. I’ve got no idea what time it is.
‘Anything wet and in a glass,’ I reply, and Jamie smiles.
‘Careful,’ he warns. ‘You almost said that with a grin.’
It’s my turn to sigh now, and I pull up a chair at the lamp-lit table.
‘I don’t want you to think badly of me,’ I say. ‘For … I don’t know. Thinking Adonis was an okay dude in the first place? I feel like you knew he wasn’t …’
‘Don’t do that,’ Jamie says, pouring a couple of glasses of wine and handing me one. ‘Don’t blame yourself, or think anybody else had some big insight into where it would all lead. Your own mother encouraged it, remember? And it’s no more her fault than yours or mine, or the moon’s. This is all on Adonis, and he’s lucky I didn’t pummel him. But it was way more important to come and check on you than stay behind and give him a piece of my mind. I mean, I assume I don’t have to warn you about second chances or anything like that?’
I screw up my face. ‘You do not,’ I say. ‘Most people deserve a second chance, but not Adonis – not for this. In fact I’ll block and delete his number right now.’
I half expect to see an apology text from him as I pick up my phone, but of course I don’t. There’s just a text from Dad saying he and Mum are going to bed and he’ll see me in the morning.
‘All done,’ I say, putting my phone back on the table. ‘God,’ I go on. ‘All I wanted was a bit of holiday fun – to be less like myself for a week or two, you know? And look where it got me.’
Jamie reaches out a hand to mine.
‘Stop it,’ he says. ‘There are men lining up to help you have a fun time, don’t you worry about that.’
I look down pointedly. He doesn’t move. When I dare to look back up, Jamie’s eyes are all crinkled and soft, his lips gently parted, his body still.
‘Jamie,’ I say quietly. ‘Where did it all go wrong for us?’
He blinks slowly and chews his bottom lip. I swear he’s leaning forward, like he could kiss me himself. It makes me lean in his direction, too, the gap between us closing.
‘I don’t know,’ he says. ‘I really don’t know.’
I try to search for answers in his face. His handsome, beautiful, melancholy face.
‘Bed,’ he says, with finality. ‘Come on.’
I don’t argue.
I lie in the dark, staring at the ceiling. Jamie hasn’t moved in the bed across from me, but he’s not breathing heavily, like a man who is asleep.
His voice cuts through the darkness. ‘Are you okay?’
I turn over. ‘I knew you were still awake!’ I whisper. ‘Are you okay?’
‘Yeah,’ he whispers back. ‘Just. Thinking things. Thoughts.’
‘Hmmm,’ I say. ‘Yes. Thinking thoughts. Same over here.’
I can just about make out his profile in the hazy moonlight from outside.
‘When I was little and I couldn’t sleep, my mum used to climb into my bed and tell me a story,’ I say. ‘All these tales about a little girl called Flo who found a spaceship on the village green.’
‘Good old Vee,’ Jamie replies. ‘I’ll bet she still got in to work early the next morning, too.’
‘You’ve heard the Superwoman stories then?’ I ask.
‘I’ve met the woman,’ Jamie quips. ‘I don’t think I’ve ever met a more motivated and together person in all my life.’
‘Right,’ I whisper. ‘God, she intimidates me. Like I feel so … not up to scratch, you know?’
‘Florence, no!’ Jamie says. ‘Come here. Come here right now.’
‘What do you mean?’ I ask.
He flings back his bedsheet. ‘Let me tell you a story,’ he says.
Heart pounding, I slip out of my bed and into his, fitting snugly around him like we’re two commas. I feel his hand on my forehead from behind, where he pushes the hair off my face tenderly and says, ‘There was once a girl called Florence, who found a spaceship on the village green …’
I smile and let him talk.
‘Now Florence was a very clever girl. Woman, really, although because she was the youngest in her family, everyone treated her like a kid, which bugged her, but she was too classy to let on. She rose above it, and set about dominating everything that crossed her path because she understood that actions speak louder than words.’
I feel myself unwind; my shoulders loosen and my breath regulates and deepens.
‘Anyway the spaceship scared Florence. She had dreamed of space her whole life, but actually riding in a spaceship was terrifying, because then her dream wouldn’t be her dream any more, it would be a reality; and if the reality wasn’t as good as her dream, she’d feel sad and disappointed. The thing is, Florence also knew that being in space could be even better than anything she’d ever imagined. And she’d only know if she actually got on board and let it take off …’
‘That sounds like a big decision,’ I say, keeping my eyes closed. ‘And being scared isn’t to be underestimated.’
‘Hmmm,’ muses Jamie. ‘Good job she has somebody to help her along, then. Her friend, Jamie.’
I laugh. ‘Good old Jamie,’ I say. ‘Best-friend-for-life material?’
‘Well,’ Jamie says, ‘it’s been a rocky path for Florence and Jamie, because they’ve never been sure if they are supposed to be friends or not, but Jamie decided to seize the day and be a pal, because it was better to have Florence in his life than not, and he liked to believe Florence felt the same.’
I open my eyes now, and shift my weight to look slightly back over my shoulder.
‘Yeah,’ I whisper. ‘I think Florence does feel the same …’
I can just about make out his smile in the darkness.
‘Good,’ he says quietly.
‘Keep going,’ I urge, letting my eyes flutter shut. Jamie’s nose knocks against my shoulder. It tickles, in a nice way.
‘So, Jamie stood beside his friend Florence and said, Come on, let’s go for it. Let’s launch off into space. And Florence agreed, taking the lead before she could change her mind, dragging poor old Jamie by the hand until they’re in the spaceship and strapped into the seats, ready for take-off.’
‘That sounds good,’ I say. ‘Exciting.’
‘Agreed,’ says Jamie. He tightens his grip on me.
Softly I ask, ‘What happens in space?’
Jamie laughs lightly. ‘Oh,’ he says, ‘they have a great time.’