Chapter Eleven
Diana
I wake up in the night, heart pounding, my breath coming in short gasps. A sharp whine echoes in my ears, followed by a snap and a desperate bark. I can smell the stench of that backyard—fetid garbage piled in heaps made more pungent by the crisp sharpness of winter.
And I can still feel it. Lucy’s tiny, cold body shivering in my arms. My heart pitching into my throat as I close my eyes. Brace for the next sudden stinging lash, the burning pain that follows and sinks so deep into my skin I’ll never fully be rid of it.
The bed dips. I scramble back, away. It’s dark, too dark. I can’t see. I know Dale’s in jail, he’s not here, but I can’t see—
“Diana.”
Ari whispers my name. This time my whimper is one of relief. A moment later his arms come around me, strong yet gentle as he pulls me onto his lap. I curl into a ball, my hands sneaking around his neck as I bury my face in his chest.
He doesn’t say anything, just rocks me back and forth. Gradually the tension bleeds out of my body. I should feel embarrassed, humiliated. But I don’t. I feel safe. Protected.
I start talking, knowing if I don’t say it now, I may never get back to this point of being raw enough to tell him what happened.
“Her name was Lucy. A chocolate Labrador I found in my foster father Dale’s backyard. It wasn’t a bad home at first. But his wife ran off a couple months after I got there, and he became angry. He drank a lot.”
It had been so lonely in that house. So fearful.
“Lucy’s fur was all matted and her ribs stood out against her skin.
She was so tiny.” I smile. “But she came right up to me, tail wagging, tongue lolling out. She had so much to be sad about and she was so happy. Dale only went out on the porch to toss garbage into the yard, so I set her up with this old trashcan and piled trash on the sides. Stuffed a blanket inside and snuck her food and water every day. I took out the trash every morning so Dale wouldn’t have an excuse to go back there. ”
A tremble passes through me. Ari strokes a soothing hand down my hair.
“We made it two weeks. I’d known Liam and Aislinn for a couple months by then.
Our high school counselor put us all in the same theater class because we were all foster kids.
” I smile slightly. “At first we hated it, felt like she was calling us out.
But looking back, it was the best possible thing that could have happened to us.
“We started meeting up in the alley behind the house and took Lucy for walks to the park.” I hold up my wrist. The silver heart catches the light of the moon, glints off the four letters etched onto the surface. “It was the happiest I’d been since I was put in care. Maybe even in my entire life.”
I stop. Need a moment to catch my breath before I continue. Ari doesn’t push. He just gently sways back and forth as he continues to hold me.
“And then one day, Lucy barked. I was inside the kitchen making Dale’s lunch.
He heard her and was sober enough to figure out it was coming from the backyard.
He stalked out with his belt. He hated dogs.
I ran after him.” My voice catches. “He’d already found her.
Cornered her. She was whimpering and then he brought the belt down and he… ”
Tears start coursing down my cheeks. “I heard her cry. I ran across the yard and tried to pull him away. He pushed me. I tried jumping on his back, but he flung me off like I was nothing.”
I still remember that feeling, the sheer anger at being so helpless against someone with more power. Of feeling like once more I was failing someone in need.
“I darted around him and grabbed Lucy. I tried to run, but Dale tripped me. I fell. I saw him bring the belt up, so I curled around Lucy and I… I held her.”
Ari’s arms tighten around me. I can’t see his face. I don’t want to. Not yet.
“Liam and Aislinn came through the back gate. Liam shoved Dale mid-lash. That’s why the third scar is shorter. Dale was strong. But so was Liam. And he was furious.”
I can still hear the crack of Dale’s nose breaking. Fists against flesh. Of Aislinn on her knees next to me telling me I was safe, that she and Liam were here, before she yelled at Liam to stop before he killed Dale.
“A neighbor had seen what happened and called the police. Dale tried to say Liam had been attacking me and I got in the way when he was trying to chase Liam off. But the neighbor confirmed my version of what happened.”
I suck in a shuddering breath. And then I look up at him. He’s staring down at me, his face solemn, his eyes glittering with an icy rage.
“Friendship is a pale word for what I have with Liam and Aislinn. They both went to court with me. Liam took the stand and told the jury everything. I have no doubt his testimony is what helped get Dale locked away for so long. And Aislinn…” Just saying her name makes my chest ache.
“Aislinn stayed with me in the hospital. Rubbed the medicated lotion the doctors gave me onto my back every night for weeks.”
“And Lucy?”
“My new caseworker got Aislinn and I into a group home. Liam was eighteen and found an apartment nearby. He kept her until I aged out of the group home. She passed away three years ago.” More tears roll down my face. “Liam and Aislinn were there, too. She was…she was…”
Years of grief threaten to break through. I put a hand on Ari’s chest, push back. His arms tighten for a moment.
But then he yields. I stand up and walk to the balcony doors. The clouds are gone. The moon shines down, making the beach glitter and the sea sparkle.
“The only two people I’ve trusted in this world since my mom left are Liam and Aislinn.”
The bed creaks. I can feel the heat of his body as he stops behind me, resist the urge to lean back into him. I’ve given him enough tonight. It’s time to stand on my own two feet.
“Why are you telling me this?”
I turn, start to reply, when something catches my eye. I turn back to the window. There’s a hint of green just above the sea.
“Is that…?”
The color shifts. Brightens.
“Yes.”
Ari’s voice is right next to my ear, deep and husky. I lean back toward him, hesitate when I feel his bare chest against my back.
A ribbon of emerald and purple winds its way across the sky, a slow, curling dance as the hues deepen.
“Oh my God.”
More threads of color weave their way across the stars, shifting, glimmering for miles on end. My smile is so big it makes my face hurt.
We stand there, bound together by the incredible display of nature taking place above us and the truths we’ve shared. For one moment, I allow myself to simply feel, to enjoy.
Gradually, the colors start to fade. The ribbons shrink, still beautiful but dimmer.
“You’re lucky.”
Ari’s breath is warm against my ear. I shiver.
“How so?”
“Many tourists come to Iceland to see the Lights. Many leave without seeing them. Or,” he adds as I turn to face him, “they see a sedated version of what you just saw. Most don’t realize the pictures and videos show different levels of light than what you can usually see with the naked eye.”
“Then, I’ll count myself lucky.”
His face sobers. “Lucy was lucky to have you, too.”
I stare at him. Tears burn at the backs of my eyes. “Why do you say things like that?”
He frowns. “What are you talking about?”
“Things like that,” I say as I drop a finger in his direction. “Things like what you said in New York.”
“What I said in New York?” he repeats.
“It’s so much easier when you’re cold. When I think you hate me.”
“I don’t hate you, Diana.”
“See? Things like that.”
One side of his mouth quirks up. “So what am I allowed to say?”
I run a hand through my hair. “I don’t know. I just know when you say things like that, I feel like you see me and…” My voice trails off.
Ari steps toward me. I step back, coming up against the cool glass of the balcony doors. “Would it be so bad if I saw you?”
“Yes.”
The word is wrenched from the depths of my soul, buried under years of hurt and rejection.
“Why did you tell me?”
“I don’t know.”
He leans down. “I think you do know. You wanted to tell me. Wanted me to know. I think you are far more lonely, Diana North, than you even realize.”
His words hit home. I’ve been telling myself for years that my friendships with Liam and Aislinn were enough.
That I would never be ready for a relationship—a love that would require baring my body and my soul.
I told myself I couldn’t give enough of myself to another person. But the truth is far more cowardly.
I’m scared. I’m scared of showing someone the deepest depths of my trauma, of them seeing it and doing what almost everyone else in my life has done: walk away. Liam and Aislinn are my miracles. Miracles don’t happen twice in one lifetime.
As we stand there, I become aware of his state of dress, or lack thereof. He’s wearing nothing but boxers molded to his thick, muscular thighs. My sharp inhale echoes in the room. He’s hard, a swell of black fabric that makes my thighs clench.
His body jerks. My head snaps up. The tendons in his neck are taut, shoulders tense.
“Ari—”
His hand drops away. He steps back.
“Go to bed, Diana.”
Confused, I stare at him. “Ari—”
“Go. To. Bed.”
I walk past him, my eyes downcast. I crawl back into bed, pull the sheets and blankets over me, and roll away from him. I hear him wrestling, moving about the room. There’s the faint squeak of the couch as he settles back down.
I close my eyes, breathe in. Breathe out. Fight the now-familiar sting of humiliation.
If he wouldn’t have pulled away, I would have offered myself to him.
For the first time in my adult life, I had wanted someone to see my scars.
Wanted to show him that part of me willingly, not because I was forced to.
But my wounds have become a barrier between us, my confessions rebuilding the walls I just tried to tear down and driving him away.