Chapter 28
Louhi
He broke me, but it was on my terms.
I pressed him to fight for himself today, and he pushed me right back. Tit for tat.
The argument could be made that cutting into my flesh was taking things too far, but it wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle.
I practically begged for it. It was the whip that teetered on the edge of too much, but his gamble paid off.
He healed a wound within me that I didn’t realize needed tending to.
My body trembles against the table like leaves on a tree whipped by a gale.
A chill sets in and goosebumps break out over my skin, making me shiver even harder.
I attempt to curl in on myself as a pained whimper reverberates through the room and vague comprehension tells me that the sound likely came from me.
“Shh, Lou. Let me kiss it better, okay?”
His soothing words have me melting in his arms as he pulls me from the table and hauls me into his bare chest. He carries me to one corner of the room, sinking to the floor with me latched onto him like a marsupial, nuzzling into him harder as my body continues to quake.
I’m obscurely aware that I’m pressed to his chest, but he doesn’t seem to mind or notice.
At some point, he must’ve pulled up his trousers because I’m perched on his lap between his spread thighs while he sits on the cold concrete floor. He holds me tightly as I shake, tears still caught in the trap of my lashes.
He strokes my back with one hand and braces me with the other as he murmurs honeyed words into my hair that’s now coated in sweat and blood.
“You’re safe. I’ve got you. You did so well, baby. I’ll bandage you up in a bit.”
I almost tell him not to bother, that I’ll be fine, but I think he might have some kind of aftercare kink. Anyway, it’s kind of nice when he tends to me, even if he’s the source of the wound in the first place.
He presses a kiss to the top of my head, one that I feel more in my heart than on my skin. I tilt my head back to look at him for the first time since I came so hard that my life flashed before my eyes. Adoration and veneration are stamped on his face, making my chest swell.
If Viktor reviews these tapes, he’s going to be in for the shock of his life and mostly because of my being curled up in Sean’s lap.
When I’ve regained control of my heart rate, I slowly slide my hand up Sean’s neck. I cup his jaw and tilt his head down. “Are you alright?”
As the back of his head hits the concrete wall behind him, I drop my hand. He blows out a breath. I silently pray to the hormone gods that the oxytocin and dopamine that flooded his system were the perfect antidote to whatever toxicity was flowing through his mind.
“Yeah.” He nods absently, his gaze locked on the wall across from us. Or maybe it’s on the table, I can’t tell. He’s quiet for another few beats before speaking again. “How did you survive what I did to you? How do you not hate me for it? That place is the undiscovered tenth circle of Hell.”
I shift in his lap until I’m straddling him fully so that we’re eye-to-eye. “I was trained to endure everything you threw at me. I was simply completing an assignment; the same way you were. I don’t hate you for any of that. If anything, I suppose I should thank you.”
His eyebrows dip. “Thank me?”
“Sure. If somebody else had been the one to waterboard me, I might not have made it off the island, and I certainly wouldn’t have found the first man I’ve ever actually liked.” I smile at him genuinely.
His throat bobs on a swallow. “Lou, I’m not good at this shit.
” He blows out a noisy breath. “I hate that I want to hurt you. I’ve struggled accepting my darker…
preferences for a long time, but being on the other side of things at Ex-I amplified that.
I don’t want to like those things, especially not now. ”
While I’m not a sadist, and that’s not something I’ve ever battled with, I understand what he’s saying.
The journey to accepting yourself—no matter the proclivity—is rarely simple.
For me, the rage and violence that existed in my soul was something that I had to learn to embrace.
With a sprinkle of encouragement and a hefty dose of time, Sean will get there, too.
I cup his cheeks with both hands. “We can’t always help the things we’re drawn to. I’ve told you before, but you should never apologize for the things you enjoy. Besides, I hope you know by now that I like them, too. That’s why you’re still alive and I’m always wet.”
He snorts, the corner of his mouth twitching. That simple expression feels like winning the lottery.
Sean presses a kiss to my forehead as serene silence stretches between us. I get the sense that he believes what I told him, but just in case he doesn’t, I add after a minute, “Don’t shield pieces of yourself from me. We’ve seen each other’s worst. Nothing could make me run from you.”
“I’m sorry, Louhi—”
I place my index finger over his lips.
“Don’t be sorry, just promise me you won’t hide from me. We’re together, no matter what happens. Everything will get easier with time.”
He captures my wrist in his hand and brushes his lips over the inside of my palm, his eyes locking onto mine. “I promise.”