Chapter 19
Jamal King
I hold my fingers to my lips to confirm that really happened. My lips tingle and feel puffy.
Theo O’Keefe kissed me.
It wasn’t a regular kiss. It was a claiming, oozing with passion and anger. Theo tastes sweet and like cinnamon and dangerously delicious.
His kiss was like being shot into zero gravity and floating on air. I’ve never been kissed like that. Not even close.
And he left.
I should follow him, demand an explanation, and figure out why the hell he kissed me. But I’ve been doing what I should do my entire life, and I need a minute. Sinking down to the floor, I text Tyrone. In Theo’s hurry, my door didn’t shut all the way, so I don’t even have to get up.
“What’s the emergency, hon?” Tyrone glances around and finds me on the floor. “J, what happened? Spill the tea.” He locks my door and joins me.
“Umm, I don’t even know. For real.” I touch my lips again.
“Did he hurt you?” Tyrone demands, grabbing my hand.
I shake my head vigorously. “No…he…he kissed me?” It comes out as a question, not a fact.
“Did you want him to?” he asks carefully.
I shake my head again. “I don’t know.” Hiding my eyes with my forearm, I try to explain so it makes sense.
“He hates me and I thought he was straight and I can’t want him to kiss me.
It’s wrong. I can’t decide if I like him.
” As soon as the words are out, I know they’re a lie.
I like Theo and that kiss…that kiss… I flail my arms around, unable to find words.
A single kiss has turned my world upside down, and I want more of his taste.
“He put it down.” Tyrone grips my hand. “Left you speechless.”
My eyes search the floor for an answer but come up short.
“The man isn’t a snack. He’s a whole-ass meal. What’s wrong with him?”
“Besides the fact that he’s my stepbrother? And he be deep in the closet.” My voice goes up three octaves and cracks.
“It’s not like you grew up together.” Tyrone fingers the gold chain on his neck, his nervous tic.
“But what will people say?!” He can’t be this dense.
“When’s the last time you went on a date that didn’t involve a camera?” He blinks at me expectantly. “Facts: you’re a Black man in a white sport. You’re a gay man in a traditionally homophobic sport. People will always have something to say.”
My skin heats. Tyrone knows I don’t go out with men. It’s safer with camboys who have rules and expectations set up by the website.
“At some point you’re going to have to stop caring ’bout what other people think. Didn’t you say he’s a massive dick? Or does he have a massive dick? It’s probably both. All the ones who have dick for days have personality disorders.” He sighs, and it loosens the tightness in my chest.
“I don’t have enough experience to know that.” I tip my head back, looking at the ceiling. “Do you think it would be gross if something happens between us?” My lungs hold in my deep breath as I wait for his answer.
“No. No joke. I’m more family than he’s ever been.
It would be like kissing my cousin.” He shudders.
“That hunk of a man has been a stranger your entire life. You only met him once as a kid and played against him in a few games. You ain’t got a drop of blood in common.
” Tyrone slaps my leg as if it settles the matter.
“But still, it’s a big thing in the media that we’re related.” I lean forward and drop my head on his chest. “I don’t know why I’m so worked up. He ran out like he was on fire. Maybe he kissed me by accident.”
“You’re not marrying the man. Have a little fun.
Also, there is no way you’d be this worked up over an ‘accidental kiss.’” He uses air quotes.
“A suggestion from one queen to another. Figure out what you want that kiss to mean before you talk to him. Get your head clear. From the looks of it, that man can’t keep his eyes or hands off you.
He gave off jealous vibes with me. Whaddya gonna do about it? ”
I shrug.
“That’s the million-dollar question. C’mon.” Tyrone stands and holds his hand out to help me up. “I’ll tuck you in. You look like you haven’t slept in days.”
He leads me to my bedroom, pulls back the comforter, and kisses my forehead. “You know where to find me.”
The silence after he leaves closes in on me, and sleep won’t come. I need another perspective, so I text my dad.
Me: Crazy question
Dad: What’s up?
Me: What if I’m attracted to someone who is all wrong for me?
I can give basics without outing Theo. My mind replays our kiss over and over. He’s probably freaking out since he outed himself. I’m stressing about nothing.
Dad: ?
Me: He’s everything I don’t like. He’s entitled and comes from money and has been handed everything. His idea of a hardship is sitting in business class
The last thing I made up, but it’s probably true.
Dad: Do you like him?
Me: He’s confusing
Dad: Don’t make the decision about him. Make it about you. If you like him and he treats you and others with kindness, that’s all that matters. You can’t hold his background against him. And it can’t be serious until we meet him *winky face emoji*
Me: You sound like Mom
Dad: Best compliment ever!
Dad: Seriously don’t put up with bad behavior
My phone falls onto my chest. Theo is maddening and insufferable and burrowed so far into my life, I can’t dig him out. Fuck.
Me: Do you think I have a thing for people who dislike me?
Dad: IF HE TREATS YOU BAD DUMP HIM!
Me: We’re not together
Me: I’m considering the possibility
Dad: The person you choose has to earn your trust through the way he treats you
Me: Thanks, Dad. Napping
Dad: Love you son
My dad and Tyrone basically said the same thing. We had one kiss, and I’m jumping a million steps ahead. I need to sit my ass down.
Unless I put off dating until I retire, someone will have something negative to say. And everyone gets to express their unfiltered opinions online. Lucky me.
Theo’s been avoiding me for over a week. I should be grateful for the time to get my head on right. But I’m more confused than ever, and he isn’t helping one way or the other. He hasn’t apologized. In fact, he’s acting like it didn’t happen and I don’t exist.
I should let that be my answer and move on. Avoid a confrontation that could hurt our team dynamics.
I shouldn’t selfishly desire him.
It could destroy the team or end our careers. Many difficult players have faded into obscurity after their personal lives hurt their team.
Pursuing something with Theo is a cold-blooded act against my family and my Enforcer family.
But someone left me several bags of my favorite maple bacon popcorn in my locker, and no one would take credit for it. During preseason, Theo made a snarky comment about the flavor. I’m sure it was him, but I don’t understand why.
Finding the answer won’t harm anyone, and as I pass the treatment room, an unsettling thought hits me.
“I need a favor, man,” I whisper to Gray.
He glances around and back at me with a puzzled look. “Is it legal?” he jokes.
“Something went down between O’Keefe and me, and I don’t want it to affect our game. But he won’t talk to me. Can you get him in here?” All true, no lies detected.
“I can’t give you this room, but I’ll ask him to follow me across the hall. Good?” Gray points to the exercise room.
“Yeah, ’preciate you.” I cross the hall and leave the lights off. I’m not even sure what I’m going to say to him, but I can’t live in this limbo, wondering what’s up.
A couple of minutes later, the door opens. “Seriously, my ankle is fine. Not even a ghost of pain.” Gray closes the door on Theo. “What the fuck?”
“Hey.” I clear my throat. “Lights on or off?”
Theo spins toward me, frowning. “You set me up.”
“You’re avoiding me,” I counter.
“Nope.” He crosses his arms and widens his stance as if preparing for a fight.
“Funny how you can’t hear me when I call your name and you leave me on read.” I mirror his posture, then relax my stance. Getting defensive only makes this conversation harder.
“What do you want from me?” he snarls, but there’s fear in his eyes.
“Not a damn thing you don’t want to give.” My throat tightens, but I hold my own. He might be terrified I’ll out him. A deep breath centers me. “Are you okay?”
Theo’s head snaps back as if I’ve struck him. “Of course I’m fine. What did you hear?”
“Nothing.” I throw my hands up, palms facing him. “FYI, I never planned to come out while playing hockey. But this team is supportive, if you make that choice, they’ll have your back.” I’ve been so in my head about me, I didn’t think to consider his reaction.
“This team hates me,” he says with no emotion.
“No, the team doesn’t know you.” This conversation has taken a turn, and I’m not sure how to get it back on track.
“You think you know me?” Theo narrows his eyes and lifts his chin.
“If I knew you, I wouldn’t be worried. The thing that happened, it doesn’t have to make things weird between us. We can’t mess up the team chemistry with our personal stuff.” As soon as I say it, his face changes.
“Obviously.” His voice fills with sarcasm, and he tilts his head, letting his arms drop. “Don’t worry your pretty little head about the team. I won’t bring my personal stuff to the game.” His fingers twitch involuntarily, and his movements are jerky as he turns to leave.
I grab his arm, and his tendons flex under my fingers, showcasing his power. My eyes are glued to where we’re touching, my hazelnut skin against his light. Starkly different, yet the same.
“This league can be tough for anyone who isn’t straight. All I’m saying is that if you need someone to talk to, I’m here. I won’t tell anyone, but it’s lonely when you keep secrets. You’re not alone.” I sound like a damn greeting card. Sappy and overpriced.
“Is that right?” His eyes dart from mine to my hand, and I let him go with a nod. “What, are we friends now?”
“If you want.” I keep my voice casual despite my heart hammering.
“Stranger things have happened. And to tell you a secret”—I lean in—“having queer friends helps.” My mouth won’t shut the hell up.
I have to remember he’s probably struggling with his sexuality, and if Theo needs a friend, I can control myself.
“To do what? I know you don’t trust me to braid your hair.” His eyes bore into me with an intensity that flips my stomach in a good way, which means it’s bad.
“Don’t feel bad. I don’t trust my moms to braid my hair either. She lost that privilege years ago.” I struggle not to fidget under his gaze.
Theo’s face breaks into a grin, and my floppy stomach does a triple backflip while my heart ceases beating, then races again.
He’s beautiful.
He’s not for me.
“Your poor mom.”
“She would agree. Anyway, I’m going to dinner at their house tonight, but we can catch dinner another night,” I say, and Theo’s face falls. “Unless…” My mouth needs a timeout. “You want to come with me?”