SEBASTIAN
I wake up after a restless night and shuffle into the kitchen, still half-asleep and absolutely starving. It’s Saturday, Remi should be home, but when I glance at the table, my stomach drops.
There’s no sign of him, just a neatly folded note.
He’s already left for the gym. Typical. But he’s also made me pancakes and left them covered, ready to reheat. The scent still lingers in the air: warm, buttery, and sweet.
He wrote that he won’t be home for lunch either, and if I want to join the usual group dinner, I can meet him directly at the Blackbird.
I stare at the note for a few seconds longer, then fold it in half and set it aside.
The pancakes sit there, golden and perfect, but just like that, my appetite disappears.
I thought last night changed something between us.
We shared parts of ourselves we hadn’t shown anyone else.
It felt like a thread had been pulled taut between us, heart to heart, drawing tighter and tighter until I couldn’t tell where I ended and he began. There was this closeness, this deep, dizzying intimacy, and I honestly thought he felt it too.
But maybe I got it all wrong.
I know I can’t have Remi. Not like that. I know he’s with Maddie.
I know it would be a disaster if I let myself fall for him.
But knowing all that doesn’t make it easier to breathe when he’s near me, or harder still, when he’s not.
Maybe it’s for the best that he’s keeping his distance today.
Maybe he felt it too and is doing the responsible thing, pulling back before things go too far.
Still, it stings. And it makes me feel stupid.
There’s too much at risk. Not just Maddie’s friendship, but the fragile new balance I’m building, with Anne, with the rest of the group, with myself.
I should be focused on other things. On finding a flat. On preparing for my upcoming concert.
On not falling apart over someone who was never mine to begin with.
But thoughts of Remi cling to me like burrs.
The way he looks at me. The way he touches me like it’s the most natural thing in the world.
The way I want him.
And what my body does when I imagine what it might feel like if he wanted me back? That’s just plain dangerous.
I need a distraction. A real one.
And there’s only one thing that’s ever worked: music.
So I decide to make the most of the practice room I can access at the conservatoire and spend the day at the piano.
In a few days, I’ll be playing a solo set here in London, in a small but well-regarded concert hall.
Honestly, I’m excited. I’ve missed performing.
I just wish I could enjoy it without that familiar shadow always lurking at the edges, never loud, but never quite gone either.
My agent, May Morris, is still in Paris for now, handling things remotely, though she’s due to join me in London soon. She’s the one who put this programme together, perfectly curated, as always. May is sharp. Brilliant at her job. And a little terrifying.
She has no idea about the panic attacks. And she can’t know.
If she even suspected I might be a liability on stage, she’d drop me in a heartbeat. There’s an endless line of young, ambitious pianists waiting to take my place, and May doesn’t do fragile.
She’s also one of the only people who knows I’m gay.
That part never seemed to faze her, though she’s always advised me to keep things low-key.
No messy flings, no headlines, no drama.
Not because she cares, but because the classical music world still clings to its old-school values.
A “dignified image” is everything.
So far, I’ve gone along with it. But I’m starting to think I won’t much longer.
I’m not trying to shout it from the rooftops, but I’m tired of hiding. Tired of shrinking myself to fit someone else’s expectations. If May has a problem with that, she’ll have to deal with it.
Remi’s reaction last night gave me something I hadn’t realized I was still looking for: hope.
He listened. He saw me. And he didn’t flinch.
Maddie… well, that's a different conversation. But I’ll face it when the time comes.
For now, I need a cold shower to quiet my thoughts, and then I’m heading straight to the conservatoire.
When everything else feels out of tune, music’s the only thing that brings me back in key.
And God, do I need that today.