CHAPTER 10
SEBASTIAN
I know I should let go of Remi’s hand.
There’s no real reason to keep holding it anymore.
But I just want to feel his warmth a little longer.
I’m so happy with how coming out went, I could honestly jump for joy. I’ll admit it, I acted on impulse.
I hadn’t planned to say anything tonight, but I’m glad I followed my instincts.
Anne was wonderful, better than I could’ve hoped for.
She was surprised, sure, but she didn’t judge me.
She didn’t make me feel guilty for not telling Maddie back then. If anything, I think she was relieved to finally understand why I left.
And honestly… if I’d just been honest from the start, maybe we all could’ve avoided a lot of pain.
But like Remi said the other night, I was just a scared, confused kid. Thinking back on that version of myself now, I feel a little less guilty. Like a weight’s been lifted off my shoulders.
Not completely, though.
I still need to talk to Maddie. And to my parents.
I don’t know which scares me more, but it doesn’t matter; I know I’ll do it.
Eventually.
Anne promised not to say anything to Maddie, but I already knew I could trust her. Same with the rest of the group.
None of them would take away my right to share the truth in my own time, in my own way.
Remi’s still walking beside me, our hands loosely linked. He hasn’t let go either. There’s a quiet tension in him now, though, like he’s trying to stay grounded, or maybe trying not to think too hard.
Every so often, I catch him watching me with a look I can’t quite read. Maybe he can still feel the adrenaline buzzing in my veins.
Around us, the others are chatting and laughing as we make our way toward the car park.
Francis and Ian are the only ones with cars. London isn’t exactly a driver’s city, but public transport makes up for it.
Ian’s especially animated tonight, cracking jokes, inserting himself into every conversation, except with Remi.
That doesn’t surprise me.
Remi isn’t quick to open up to people.
Which makes it even more surprising, and kind of incredible, how much he’s opened up to me.
I keep telling myself I need to stay away, but the thread tying us together always feels too short.
My mind keeps wandering where it shouldn’t.
I imagine kissing him, tasting his mouth, feeling those strong hands glide over my skin. The thought of him moving against me… I can hardly breathe.
If things were different, I’d go after him in a heartbeat.
I know he’s never been with a guy, but I’d still try.
I’d give it everything I’ve got.
But Maddie is in the middle of all this.
And no matter how much I want him, I’d never come between someone and their partner. I couldn’t do that. Not to her. Not to him.
Maybe it’s time I gave someone else a chance,
someone who might actually be available.
Since I arrived in London, I’ve kept anyone even remotely interested at arm’s length. Even at the conservatoire, where, let’s be honest, offers haven’t exactly been lacking.
But the truth is, Remi takes up so much space in my mind,
I barely notice anyone else.
Take Ian, for instance; he’s even more attractive now than he was back in school. And still, when he touched my back earlier, my first instinct was to move away.
Whereas Remi… God, Remi could touch me all day, and I’d never want him to stop.
We reach the car park, and, reluctantly, I let go of Remi’s hand as we split into two groups. He opens the back door of Francis’s car, and I automatically move to follow him
until Ian calls out.
“Seb! Come with me, yeah? We haven’t had a proper chat yet. I want to hear about your concerts, Paris, catch up a bit.”
I pause, already irritated by how pushy he sounds,
but there’s something so hopeful in his tone, I can’t bring myself to say no.
“Uh, sure, Ian. That’s fine.”
I glance back just in time to catch Remi watching me from the car. His face is tense, brows drawn. He looks like he’s about to jump out and drag me back.
The air shifts. The tension spikes. But I don’t want this night ruined, we’re supposed to be having fun.
I meet Remi’s eyes and try to reassure him: I’m fine. Really.
He probably thinks I’m on the verge of a panic attack or something, but not tonight.I’m okay. And I wish he’d stop worrying about me all the time.
He seems to get the message. I see him sigh, then reluctantly settle back in his seat, clearly annoyed.
I can only hope the drive to the club helps him cool off.
I slide into Ian’s car and fasten my seatbelt just as Noah hops in behind us.
“I’ll ride with you guys,” he says. “The others are all with Francis.”
Ian flashes me a grin. I return it, even if mine feels a little forced.
“Alright, Ian,” I say, turning toward him. “Why don’t you go first? Tell me what you’ve been up to all these years.”
My voice wavers slightly, but I catch Noah’s calm, steady smile in the rear-view mirror. It grounds me.
I lean back in my seat and try to focus on Ian’s voice,
even as the quiet ache of losing Remi’s touch still lingers against my skin.