Chapter 18
SOREN
The house was quiet without Kade in it. Even though we barely saw each other when he was home, I could still always feel his presence.
Now that I was alone in an empty house, with men quietly surrounding the place, every noise made me jump.
I was alone with my confusing feelings about the man of the hour, knowing without a shadow of a doubt that I was falling for him and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
Something had always pulled me towards him, like the broken parts of my soul called to his. He’s the first person since my dad passed away to actually be nice to me and give a shit about me. I couldn’t get him out of my head no matter how hard I tried.
I tried to read in the library for a little while, but eventually I got spooked so I went up to my room and locked the door. If someone wanted to fuck with me, they’d have to come and get me in here.
But I obviously didn’t wish for that.
My nerves are shot, for fuck’s sake.
I stared at the ceiling for what felt like hours, waiting for Kade to come home, which felt incredibly stupid. The fact that I was waiting for him was dumb. I could just go to bed and wake up tomorrow and he’d likely be here.
But my mind continued to buzz with the thoughts of his hands on me, skimming my skin, leaving sparks of electricity in the wake of where his fingertips had been. Then my thoughts decided to take a darker turn.
I thought of Kade lying in a ditch somewhere, his car wrapped around a telephone pole, him tied to a chair in some creepy warehouse in the middle of nowhere.
Somehow, in the short span of a month that I had been kept at Kade’s house, I’d grown attached to him.
To the smirk he wore on his face. How delicious he looked in a suit, and the way he messily fixed his hair.
The way his dark, steely eyes would bore holes into me when I was reading and he thought I wasn’t paying attention.
But I paid attention to everything he did. And I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why.
Even when I had first been married to Jude, I didn’t pay attention to him as much as I do Kade. I didn’t care enough to, although I should have. Maybe I would have noticed his red flags a little sooner.
I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt when we first got married. The benefit that maybe Jude wasn’t such a bad guy in all reality. Maybe I got lucky in my arranged marriage like you read about in romance books. We’d hate each other and fall in love.
But try as I might, I couldn’t fall in love with him. And for good reason too.
I would have loved a monster who dug his claws into me every chance he could get.
My conversation with Vanessa not long ago rolled around in my head.
She was right when she said not all Mafia men were bad.
My father was living proof of that. He was proof that you could make mistakes, and do bad things, but still hold love in your heart.
He never let the corruption that surrounded him seep into his heart.
It’s probably part of the reason he died.
His heart was too kind for this world. Too soft.
My heart used to be soft and kind too. But unlike my father, I let the world harden my heart, and I’d learned having a good heart seemed to get you nowhere.
I had managed to fall asleep around two in the morning, and I knew I hadn’t been asleep all that long when my door clicked open.
I kept my eyes closed, pretending I was asleep, and hoping and praying whoever had just come in wasn’t here to murder me in my sleep, and that they’d leave.
But the question I should be asking is how the fuck did they get through the lock on my door?
I tried to keep my breathing even, feigning sleep, straining my ears to hear any further noise. I could feel my stomach in my throat, my heart beating fiercely in my chest.
I heard the distinct sound of a zipper and the rustle of clothing, as if whoever it was stripping down for the night.
The side of the bed dipped, the intruder sitting on the edge, before I heard shoes kicked from feet, felt the sheets lift up, and whoever it was got underneath. A warm body curled against mine, spooning me, and pulling me close.
I stopped breathing, unable to intake any air. But when I did, the scent of bourbon and a familiar cologne filled my nostrils, cedar mixed with the faint hint of jasmine. There was only one man I’d come to know who wore that scent, and I breathed a sigh of relief that it was him.
His body and skin was warm against mine, as well as his breath on my neck.
It was only the second time we’d been this close, the groggy memory of his comfort during my nightmare faintly coming back to me.
Before that, we hadn’t been this close since we had sex the first time, the time in his gym had more clothes between us.
It was a nice feeling, his body cozy and snug against mine. I would never admit it to him, but I had never laid with a man like this before him. I was usually used and dumped, no time for cuddling and spooning.
So this was a nice change of pace, and one that I could get used to. But I knew in my heart that this was short-lived.
I waited to see if he was going to say anything, or if he was just going to lay here holding me until we both fell asleep.
But my mind was finally quiet and I could have fallen asleep at any moment, finally knowing that he was safe. He was here.
Just as I was beginning to doze off, more than willing to slip into oblivion, I heard his voice whisper gently in my ear.
“Goodnight, beautiful,” he breathed. “I’ll miss you.”
For some reason, his drunken words meant more to me in that moment than I cared to admit.
But then I realized that he said he’d miss me, and those words soured in my gut.
I woke up alone the next morning, the space where Kade was cold. It was proof he hadn’t slept here long and had probably snuck out long before he knew I’d wake. It was the second time he’d done this in the span of a couple days, but I tried not to hold it against him.
I peered over at the clock on my nightstand that read 9AM and wanted to groan at the thought of getting out of bed already. I felt like I barely got any sleep until Kade had come into my bed. After that, I had a nice, dreamless sleep.
But what if I had dreamt he came into my bed?
I knew that wasn’t the case because I could still smell his cologne on my pillows, proof he’d been here recently. I was just confused on why he’d stumbled in here in the first place, and then why he felt the need to leave so quickly.
At first I assumed in his drunken state he thought he was in his own bedroom. But that made no sense since his room was on the opposite side of the house. Not to mention the fact that he’d held me in his arms with a purpose, and spoken directly to me.
So I just chalked it up to alcohol making our brains do things they wouldn’t if we were sober, and soaked up his warmth and intimate actions while I could.
Part of me didn’t want to get out of bed because I didn’t want to face him this morning. Would things be awkward between us now? More so than they already were with sexual tension lacing the air whenever we were in the same room together?
But I knew I’d eventually have to find out. I couldn’t hide out in this bedroom forever. I’d have to face him, especially if I ever wanted to see the library again.
And that is what pushed me out of bed more than my fear of embarrassment about my current… relationship with Kade. With the Mafia man who kidnapped me out of my own house under the darkness of the quiet sky, like a dark knight in leather armor.
I threw back the covers, slipping my feet into my slippers and decided to pad down to the kitchen for some coffee before I started my day and inevitably encountered Kade.
But what I didn’t expect when I walked into the kitchen was his hulking, messy bed head form leaning over the coffee pot in a white t-shirt and gray sweatpants.
Do men not understand the attraction of gray fucking sweatpants?
I stopped dead in my tracks, before playing it off and gaining my composure, making my way to sit on one of the bar stools at the kitchen island.
“Morning,” I greeted, trying to play it casual.
“Hmph,” Kade grunted.
It was the most unkempt I’d ever seen him. While I was used to his messy hair, it usually had a method to the madness. Now it looked like he’d slept on it wet, one side sticking up. Don’t even get me started about seeing him in something other than a suit and gym attire.
I didn’t even know his closet contained anything other than workout clothes and suits, let alone casual clothing.
But this chaotic look, I could get used to. It was nice to see someone else out of control with their life for once.
“There’s Tylenol in the cupboard to your left for your hangover,” I said, propping my chin on my hand and doing nothing to hide my smirk.
Without even saying a peep, he opened said cabinet and pulled out the bottle of pain reliever.
I laughed while making my own way to the coffee pot, while he leaned with his back against the counter, giving me his full attention. I could feel his eyes boring into my soul, like he could see every bit of darkness there, and he could see every thought, lie, and dream I’d ever had.
“Soren,” he started, while I added oat milk from the carton in the fridge to my mug. The oat milk that had just started showing up when I mentioned it one time in a coffee order to Kade.
“Hmm?” I replied, taking a sip of my coffee, and groaning internally at just how badly I needed this.
“I’m sorry about last night,” he answered, not taking his eyes off his coffee mug, refusing to look at me now that I was giving him my full attention.
“Which part?” I laughed. “The part where you stumbled into my bed at three in the morning, or the part where you snuck off in the middle of the morning and acted like it never happened?”
I tried not to sound bitter, but I sounded like it, despite my playful tone. I already wanted to stuff the words back into my mouth after I said them but knew that wasn’t a remote possibility.
He visibly grimaced, trying to hide it by taking a sip of his coffee.
“About any of it,” he said, finally meeting my eyes.
And damn it if it didn’t send a shot through my heart to know he regretted lying in bed with me, when it felt so good and peaceful to me.
I was letting myself get attached when I shouldn’t.
I was playing a dangerous game with my heart, and I needed to do what I’d been doing the last several years and keep it under lock and key.
“Don’t worry about it,” I waved him off, putting on my careless act, letting him think it didn’t bother me. It would make it hurt less.
I smiled at him before making my way out of the kitchen and towards the library, but not before he halted me, saying my name like a prayer.
“Soren, we can’t keep going on like this. It was stupid of me to sleep with you in the first place. Besides, the exchange goes down in three days. You need to make sure you’re ready.”
And I knew in my heart of hearts, he didn’t just mean packing my belongings. I had to prepare my heart to say goodbye too, and we both knew it. But neither of us made a move to do anything about it. Instead we were pretending it wasn’t a problem to begin with.
The wall of armor slowly started building back around my heart, needing to be more fortified than ever.
Because I was going from being a prisoner with free will back to the prisoner of a monster in three days’ time.
“I’m sorry you feel that way,” I replied, failing to keep my voice from shaking. “Thank you for sending me back to my own personal hell with my monster of a husband.”
I was seething mad, childishly so, and I couldn’t help it. I wanted him to hurt as badly as he’d hurt me.
“You’re forgetting that I’m a monster too, Soren! We were never supposed to be together in the first place! You’re not supposed to be attached to me!”
“I’m so sorry to disappoint you, Kade. I guess that means that I’m in love with a man who believes he’s a monster.
But really he’s just a sad, lost man, who gave me nothing but empty promises about being a knight in shining armor who would save his princess from her tower,” I yelled, waiting and hoping for a response.
Hoping he’d do what he always said he would and fight for us.
“If I really meant anything to you at all, you’d keep your word, instead of acting like a scared little boy,” I choked out, not giving him a chance to reply before I stormed off to my bedroom, locking the door and falling to the floor, tears flowing freely down my cheeks.