Chapter 22
Two Weeks Later
The last coupleof weeks went by at a snail’s pace, and I would have given my entire soul to have Soren back with me. I’d give up my life to be in her position, knowing she was living her life and cherishing her freedom. Because even if she decided she no longer wanted anything to do with me, at least she still had that. I would never let anyone take that from her again.
Whatever she wanted to do in life, with or without me, I would make it happen. I’d be the dark guardian angel in the background, making sure not a single hair on her head was ever out of place.
Like the little weasel he was, Jude had managed to slip his way out of the warehouse and gave us a hell of a time locating him. But I wouldn’t rest until that man’s fate was in my hands and he didn’t feel safe without having to look over his shoulder and look out for me.
For everything he’d done to Soren, and for his part in the death of my father, I wanted him to pay.
Thank fuck for whatever connections Sawyer has that allowed us to find Jude after a week of hiding and bring him to an abandoned warehouse where I’d meet him once Soren was awake and stable.
“You smell like ass,” Sawyer said as he entered Soren’s hospital room, his facial expression pinched, as if he’d just smelled the worst thing ever. It’s as if he knew I was thinking about him and just had to make an appearance.
“Fuck off,” I grumbled, running my hand down my scruffy face, knowing he had a point. But I didn’t want to leave the hospital, and even stepping away for a moment to use the shower in Soren’s room felt like a challenge. Plus, if I was going to shower anywhere, it was going to be in my expensive ass walk-in shower with the shower head that pelted water onto my skin. I showered here once, and the pressure was absolute shit. I also needed to shave, and I’d rather cut off my left arm than use a dull razor from here.
Oh, how grumpy and violent I am today.
I was itching to get my hands dirty with Jude’s blood, ready to give him back all the hurt he was due. Just sitting here while time ticked slowly by every day, watching Soren’s unconscious body, and not being able to do anything about it made me want to explode.
“Touchy, I see,” Sawyer laughed, pulling a chair up next to me by the bed and making himself at home.
“Any news?” he asked gently, and I hated that it sounded like he was asking me out of pity. I didn’t want anyone’s pity. I had fucked up and went against everything I promised Soren and didn’t keep her safe. She was probably better off without me, and I would probably be doing her a favor if I disappeared, took care of Jude, and she never had to see me again.
“No,” I replied coldly, hoping he got the hint that I was in no mood for chitchat or his sunny disposition.
Ever since Sawyer had married Vanessa, he’d become a new, changed man. Started seeing the bright side of things or whatever. And while I was happy for my brother, he got on my last damn nerve with it sometimes. Let me wallow in peace, for God sakes.
“Why don’t you go home and shower? Get some rest?” Sawyer suggested, lounging back in his chair.
“Because I don’t want to miss anything, and if I leave, I may not come back,” I leaned back in the chair myself, utterly exhausted from getting the worst sleep in my entire life the last several weeks, and afraid to close my eyes.
“You make absolutely no sense at all,” Sawyer snorted, pinching the bridge of his nose between his fingers. “You’re literally one of the dumbest guys I’ve ever met, and trust me, I’ve met a lot.”
“The fuck is that supposed to mean?” I snapped.
“It means why aren’t you taking care of yourself? Why are you punishing yourself? Because Soren got hurt? It was bound to happen sooner or later with our line of work, and there’s not a damn thing you could have done about it. You’re doing neither of you any good sitting here and wallowing in your filth. Do you really want Soren to wake up and see you in a terrible state?”
He did have a point, but I also didn’t want Soren to wake up and think I left her. I also didn’t want to be too tempted to smash Jude’s skull in and then never return here again.
“Why don’t you let Vanessa drive you home? Clean yourself up, eat some actual food, and get a good couple hours of rest. I can make sure Vee stays with you so if there’s any kind of update, she can bring you right back.”
I thought it over silently in my head. I wanted more than anything to thoroughly scrub my skin clean of all the dirt and grime from my body, and change out of these God awful scrubs the nurses have given me after my crappy shower here the first night.
Sawyer’s words came ringing in my head about Soren waking up and catching sight of me this way. She was already going through enough. The last thing I needed to do was cause her even more stress by my disheveled appearance.
I didn’t want her to feel any guilt, or blame herself.
“Fine, but we’re stopping by Chick-Fil-A on the way,” I mumbled, already moving into a seated position.
“Works for me,” a sing-song voice that could only come from Vanessa said from the doorway.
“Thank you, babe,” Sawyer said as he made his way over to her and kissed her tenderly.
“You guys make me want to throw up,” I groaned, loving more than anything to give my older brother shit.
“I love you too,” he said, grabbing me in a hug. “Now seriously, go shower. You smell like a bag of feet.”
I walked out the doorway past a laughing Vanessa, flipping him the bird as I went.
“She’s goingto be fine you know,” Vanessa said, disrupting the otherwise quiet car ride home from Chick-Fil-A, where I’d eaten so many chicken sandwiches I was afraid I would puke. I hadn’t even realized how hungry for good food I truly was.
“And how could you possibly know that, Mrs. Sunshine?” I asked, taking a sip of my drink.
“Because she’s Soren. She’s one of the strongest women I know. Plus, she’s entirely too stubborn to let a bullet kill her after all this time.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right about that,” I laughed. Because it was true. If my girl was anything, she was absolutely, undoubtedly stubborn, and although it was a fact that I loved, it was also what drove me crazy.
“That’s what you love about her, right?” Vanessa teased, as if reading my mind.
“Yeah, it is,” I replied, a smile gracing my face for the first time in weeks just thinking about how much love I held in my heart for Soren.
“So it’s true then?” Vanessa gaped, her eyes flicking between me and the road. “You love her?”
Shit.
I hadn’t meant to slip up and actually admit that, not having even fully admitted it to Soren yet, but if anyone was going to catch my slip up, it would be Vanessa.
“Fine, you caught me. Yes, I love her,” I admitted, crossing my arms over my chest and pouting while she laughed at me.
“It’s okay to admit it out loud. Believe it or not Kade, you do indeed deserve happiness,” Vanessa said kindly, and it warmed a part of my soul to hear that. Vanessa’s personality reminded me so much of Ava’s, and what I would have imagined she’d have been like when she was older, always reminding us we were still humans under the darkness we wore as a shield.
No matter how much I used to deny happiness to myself, for the first time in my life I was finally feeling like maybe I did deserve something good. Like maybe happiness was in my radar. Like I wasn’t a lost cause, unloveable in every sense.
Because even if we hadn’t said the words directly to each other yet, I knew that Soren loved me back. I just hoped I’d get the chance to tell her when she could hear me.
After getting a surprisinglynice bit of rest I got, a shower, shave, and a decent meal, I felt somewhat human again. But I had been dying to get back to the hospital, loathing the fact that I was away from Soren for so long. Life happened so quickly that something could happen in the span of a minute, and the pressure in my chest built up the longer I stayed away.
I was currently sitting next to Soren’s bed, my head in my hands. There was some medical drama rerun playing in the background talking about some dude named McSteamy and I was losing my grip on my sanity. I’d barely left the hospital for weeks besides yesterday. I hadn’t been able to force myself to leave again, worried I’d miss any sort of update. Plus I knew if I left, the universe would laugh at me and cause something to happen. Whether it was good or bad, was still up in the air.
A noise startled me out of my spiraling thoughts, and it felt like I was dreaming it. But then I looked at Soren and it came again. A groan from her beautiful lips.
“Soren?” I whispered, terrified to break whatever spell I was currently under.
“Kade,” she said, her voice so hoarse from lack of use. I couldn’t help myself — I gripped both sides of her face and brought my lips gently to hers.
I looked at her face, and a ghost of a smile graced her lips. Seeing it made me feel grateful that I was able to bear witness to it again.
“What happened?” She asked, her face tired and her eyes unfocused, her mouth set in a frown.
“You don’t remember?” I asked, taking her hand in mine, rubbing my thumb over the top of her hand, careful to avoid the IV.
“Not really,” she laughed softly, a noise that I’d missed. “All I remember is going into the building, your father…” she paused, gauging my reaction. “And then gunfire started and not long after everything went black. I honestly don’t even remember getting hurt or being brought here or anything.”
“It’s been almost three weeks,” I said softly. “And you got caught in the crossfire.”
“You can’t blame yourself, Kade,” she snapped, reading the guilt on my face, her fire that I had always loved coming back. “You didn’t pull the trigger.”
We sat in silence for a moment, and I could tell a million questions were going through her head in the way she rolled her lips together, unsure if she wanted to ask them.
“Just ask,” I encouraged her.
“What happened to Jude and Lilah? And your father?”
“My father died before he even hit the floor,” I replied, a stone dropping in my gut just admitting it out loud. “As for Lilah and Jude…”
I was afraid to admit what I’d done and planned to do out loud, but I had no reason to lie.
“I killed Lilah when you got shot,” I said. “As for Jude, well his punishment will be coming soon now that you’re awake.”
I half-expected her face to contort in disgust, but to my surprise she didn’t bat an eye. She almost looked…content.
“That doesn’t bother you?” I asked curiously.
“You forget that I grew up surrounded by murder and a world full of blood,” she basically laughed in my face. “If anyone deserved it, it was them. Where’s Jude now?”
“Waiting for me in an unknown location,” I chuckled, already antsy to get my hands on him.
“Kade?” She asked softly.
“Yeah?”
“Will you promise that you’ll stay with me until they let me go home?”
“Okay done, but why?” I blurted.
“Because I want to be there when you take care of Jude,” she practically growled.
There was a pause before she began speaking again.
“The first time he hit me it was over something so silly and I told myself he was just having a bad day at the office. He promised never to do it again, and I foolishly believed him.
“But it kept happening again, and again and again. Until eventually I couldn’t go out into the public eye because my bruises were taking so long to heal. Every time he hit me, he slowly took a piece of my soul away, until I felt like I had nothing left. I have protected the tiny last part of myself because I won’t be able to live with myself if that’s gone too.”
She stopped again and I knew there was nothing I could say in that moment that would even scratch the surface of healing what’s been broken inside of her. Anything I saw won’t do justice to how I feel inside, and how protective I feel over that last bit of her soul.
“I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I want to take my fate in my own hands, once and for all. I want to choose my own destiny,” Soren wiped the stray tear that had left her eye, and a stony resolve slid into place.
That’s my girl.
I knew how hard it must have been for her to open up to me about the trauma of her past, and I vowed in that moment to make sure her future was ingrained with peace.