Chapter 11
Eleven
K it did not know whether he felt elated or terrified through the entire drive home to the mistress apartment. He’d spent the entire evening in the same room as his parents and they had not recognized him.
Of course, a theater auditorium could not quite be considered a room, and there were over a hundred other people crowding around the dim space as well.
His parents had remained at a distance for most of the evening.
But still, either one of them could have glanced into Dev’s box at any moment and seen him.
They’d come face to face in the lobby at the end of the performance as well.
Kit was not entirely certain whether either of his parents looked directly at him even then.
The important bit of the harrowing experience was that neither his father nor his mother had seen through his outer trappings to identify him as their son.
They had regarded him the way they would any new mistress that Lord Deveraux Ogilvy had on his arm.
He had been completely beneath the notice of the two people who should, perhaps, have recognized him more quickly than anyone else .
It was almost a great triumph. The only fly in the ointment was the lingering conflict and uncertainty raging in Kit’s breast. He had felt so very much like Kitty on Dev’s arm or while they were seated in the dark theater, but that single, brief encounter with his parents had him restlessly and awkwardly thinking of himself as Lord Castleton in disguise again.
Never mind what Dev, his parents, and the rest of society thought, would he never truly see and believe himself to be who he truly was?
“I still cannot believe it,” Kit finally found his voice as their carriage wound through the streets of Mayfair. “They were right there, mere feet away. They could have and perhaps should have seen what was right in front of them.”
“And as I have told you, my dear,” Dev said, taking one of Kit’s gloved hands, “you are so thoroughly Miss Dryden that they would have no reason to suspect you were anyone else.”
Kit pressed his lips together and hummed, but he was still not entirely certain. The first person he needed to convince he was Kitty was himself, and some moments it felt harder to do that than others, despite what his soul told him.
Then again, Kitty had been enough at the forefront of his self-perceptions earlier that she had blended in perfectly.
There had been others at the theater to whom Dev had introduced her.
Not one of the gentlemen of Dev’s acquaintance had looked askance at Kitty or stared too long at the thick ribbon concealing her Adam’s apple.
They had all behaved quite nobly toward her, treating her with more respect than needed to be shown to a mistress.
Perhaps there was hope after all. Perhaps Dev was correct and he truly could live out the rest of his days as Kitty and believe without question that doing so was his destiny.
By the time they reached Mrs. Torrance’s building and made their way up to the mistress apartment, Kit’s mind had spun around and around the matter so much that he felt as dizzy with possibility as he was exhausted by the length of the evening.
“I cannot wait to get out of this gown, take off my wig, and climb into bed,” he sighed, removing his gloves and putting them and the reticule he’d carried on the table near the door. “I feel as though I could sleep for a week after tonight’s excitement.”
“I hope you do not plan to go to sleep just yet,” Dev said, removing his hat and coat and placing them on one of the chairs. “We have not even celebrated our triumph yet.”
Kit had already walked halfway across the room but paused and turned back to Dev, his heart suddenly beating wildly. And with good reason. Dev grinned at him like a wolf who was sizing up his prey and deciding on all the ways he might like to devour him.
A tremor of desire swirled through Kit. Though his experience with the pleasures of the flesh was limited, he was not a virgin.
His school days had taken care of that though not, perhaps, in the best of ways.
He was not opposed to allowing Dev to make love to him in the most intimate ways either, just… nervous.
Dev chuckled as he came close enough to Kit to take his hand. “You’ve no need to look so frightened,” he said, his voice lowering to a rich bass. “The way you are looking at me now makes me think you believe yourself in dire danger.”
“Am I not?” Kit asked, a slight tremble in his voice, even though he was trying to be coquettish.
“No,” Dev said, raising one hand to cradle the side of Kit’s face. “You are as safe as a babe in its mother’s arms.”
Kit laughed softly. “I am not certain that is the best metaphor to use in this particular circumstance,” he said quietly, gazing up at Dev shyly. “Not when you are studying me with eyes such as that. ”
“And what are my eyes like?” Dev asked, holding Kit’s face with both hands and tilting it up to him.
Kit felt shivery and hot. His cock lifted under the layers of cotton and silk that he wore, pressing against that weight as though it were ready to break free. “Your eyes are dark and filled with fire,” he murmured. “They shine as if you would set the world ablaze to get what you want.”
“I might at that,” Dev said, inching even closer.
He stared at Kit’s lips for a moment before bending just enough to slant his mouth over Kit’s. The kiss was gentle yet possessive, and the way Dev held Kit’s head gave him no choice but to accept the ardor Dev offered.
Kit wanted to accept it. He wanted it, wanted Dev. His body and heart throbbed with desire for the man who had done so much for him, who had saved his life in so many ways. He could not fight his need to give everything to Dev, but neither could he fight the fear that twined with his need.
“Relax,” Dev whispered across Kit’s lips. “All is well. I will not do anything that you do not wish to do.”
He started to back away, but Kit tensed, making a short noise of protest, and grabbed the front of Dev’s jacket. “I do want you,” he said, almost pleading. “It is just that—” He didn’t know how to finish his sentence.
Dev smiled and leaned in to kiss him again. That kiss was as ardent as the first, but somehow gentler, more understanding. He caressed Kit’s lips, parting them softly, then gently tasted everything Kit had to offer.
Kit was mesmerized by the completeness of the kiss and the way it made him feel. He felt as though he were completely under Dev’s spell and happy for it. He did not think he knew much about kissing, but as Dev explored his mouth with his lips and tongue, Kit responded in kind.
“I know,” Dev said as they paused for breath. “And you’ve no need to worry, none at all. ”
Kit was not entirely certain that was true.
Throughout the entire evening and for the last few days, Dev had passed his time with Kitty.
He seemed as convinced as anyone else that Lord Castleton was gone and that only Kitty remained.
But the truth would be revealed as soon as he removed his gown and revealed the body beneath.
“I think perhaps I should bathe before we proceed any further,” Kit whispered when they paused to breathe again.
“You are perfect just as you are,” Dev said, stroking a hand around his face.
Kit paused, glancing up at him and wondering if he meant cleanliness or the fact of what his body looked like. “Still,” he said, voice trembling. “A great deal of effort and fuss has gone into getting myself into this gown, and removing it all will be just as complicated.”
“Then allow me to assist,” Dev said.
He took Kit’s hand and led him the rest of the way across the front room and into the bedroom. Once they were there, he moved behind Kit to undo the fastenings of his gown that Mrs. Torrance had been called up to help him with earlier.
Kit had not realized how constricted he felt in the tight silk of the gown and the cotton and boning of his corset until both were loosened and he could breathe more freely.
He did as much as he could on his own, but once the process began, Dev seemed intent on unwrapping Kit as though he were a gift.
“Miss Jones has executed her craft magnificently,” Dev said as he helped Kit step out of his skirts and petticoats. “The fit she has achieved is remarkable.”
Kit anxiously wondered if the comment was meant to point out how decidedly masculine his body truly was underneath the layers Miss Jones had made for him.
His hips were not as shapely as the garment made them out to be, and he had no bust at all without the alterations Miss Jones had made to his corset.
In fact, as Dev took the bulk of the gown and underthings aside, leaving Kit standing near the foot of his bed in nothing but a chemise, drawers, and stockings, he felt about as undesirable as could be.
He caught sight of himself in a mirror to one side of the room and winced.
He could pretend and dress in any manner he pleased, but the reality was so different from what he felt in his heart.
He stopped looking at his reflection and turned to Dev when he sensed Dev returning to him. Warily, he met Dev’s eyes, dreading what his hero might think of him.
There was nothing but desire in Dev’s eyes and a hint of a mischievous smile as he stepped slowly closer. There may even have been a bulge in Dev’s trousers as well.
“I—” Kit began, hugging himself and rubbing his arm awkwardly. His instinct was to hide the things about himself that he did not like and that did not seem to fit.
“You are beautiful,” Dev said, coming closer still. “You have no idea how desirable you look to me at this moment. You are everything I have ever wanted and more.”
Kit tilted his head up, hardly able to breathe, when Dev moved nearly flush against him. Dev caressed his face again and tilted it up so he could indulge in another kiss.