Chapter Eight
Dáithí
When I asked Jared and Noah for help, I had no idea what I was getting into. Even though I agreed to their suggestion of finding “experts,” I didn’t think I’d end up in the boardroom after hours with a hellhound waving a whiteboard marker at me.
Meh. There are worse things.
I do a quick tally of who’s here: Jared, looking surprisingly smug, Noah and his husband, Andrew, Caolan, Hagen—I give him a narrow-eyed warning glare.
I’ve had to deal with his chaos before—and Alistair, who I also glare at.
Everyone in the building knows Alistair.
He throws a great party, but for those of us trying to run an office, he’s trouble.
Noah was right about bringing these guys in on this. Team Bro, as they call themselves, has the perfect skill set for a job like this. Let’s just hope they understand the objective.
Nervous hope flutters in my chest, and I ruthlessly shred it.
There will be no hoping. Maybe—possibly—there’s a tiny chance that Eoin will pass whatever test Team Bro devises.
It’s far more likely that I’m right and he’ll lose interest or decide he’s ready to move on instead.
Letting myself hope now is only going to make it hurt more when that happens, and the whole point of this is to prevent that hurt.
Alistair finishes writing “The True Love Challenge” on the whiteboard and puts the marker down so he can clap his hands. “Settle down! We have a lot to get through tonight.”
“We’ve been waiting for you,” Noah points out.
Ignoring him, Alistair continues, “On behalf of Team Bro, I’d like to thank Dáithí for including us in this endeavor. We appreciate the trust you’re placing in us for this vitally important task.” He smiles at me.
“Uh… yes. You come highly recommended. And I’ve seen examples of your work.
” That must be the right thing to say, because all four “bros” sit up straighter.
“I want to be clear, though, that no glitter will be involved.” I love me some sparkle just as much as the next guy, but I can’t think of any situation when glitter will be needed to test Eoin’s capacity for commitment.
Plus, that shit is impossible to clean up, and the last thing I need when this is over and I’m recovering from a bruised heart is to be finding glitter everywhere.
Alistair sighs, and Hagen shakes his head. “Of course there won’t be any glitter,” he says. “We know how to assess when it’s event-appropriate.”
“Do you, though?” Noah asks, and thinking back on the number of times they’ve brought glitter to the CSG and DEA offices, I have to agree with him.
Hagen opens his mouth, but closes it again when Caolan elbows him and says, “We’re wasting time. This discussion isn’t an efficient use of our resources. Al, bro, sorry, but I’m canceling the rest of your speech and moving to the next item on the agenda.”
Jared leans toward me and murmurs, “Do you have a copy of the agenda? I didn’t get one.”
I can only shake my head, too shocked by the knowledge that there’s an agenda—that’s apparently broken down by time increments—to speak.
“I understand,” Alistair says, joining us at the table and taking a seat.
“Am I dreaming?” Noah asks. “What is happening here?”
Andrew kisses his cheek and pats his arm. “Caolan is Team Bro’s coordinator. He learned a lot from David about task management and planning. How else do you think we manage to pull off such perfectly executed activities?”
The temptation to laugh is so strong that I bite my lip. I know David Carew, Caolan’s boyfriend, well enough to know he’d be horrified if he found out he’d inadvertently helped with Team Bro’s shenanigans.
“Please turn your attention to the screen,” Caolan orders, and the wall monitor beside the whiteboard comes to life. “We didn’t have a great deal of time for preparation, but we’ve pulled together some basic background. Tonight’s decisions will shape the direction of further research.”
“This is incredible.” Jared sounds impressed. “It’s only been a few hours.”
“This is overkill,” I counter, staring at the split screen showing photos and short bios of me and Eoin. “You don’t need—” The screen changes to a dot-pointed list headed by the title “The Situationship.” It’s a summary of what’s happened since Eoin and I started dating.
“That’s such a stupid word,” Noah declares. “Situationship? Really?”
“Meh.” I consider. “It kind of fits. But none of this is necessary.”
“Of course it is,” Caolan insists. “How can we devise a plan without any background?”
Maybe he’s right. I’ve spent the past year flying by the seat of my pants, hoping that Eoin would stay interested and yet not letting myself get too invested in preparation for the day his interest wanes.
My big plan this week, when I realized that strategy wasn’t working anymore, was to end things before either of us could get seriously hurt.
Clearly, that didn’t happen.
Instead, I agreed to give him the chance to prove himself, and somehow ended up here, with Team Bro giving a very professional-looking presentation. Maybe their plan is going to be better than my lack of one.
“Okay.” I sit back. “We’ll do it your way.”
“You were going to anyway,” Alistair tells me. “But I’m glad we didn’t have to convince you. The first question we have is about the scope of the challenge. Does it need to be a single task?”
Jared’s breath catches, and he props his elbow on the table, chin in palm. “Interesting. Multiple criteria would be more effective for assessing the outcome.”
I slowly turn to look at him. “Is that a teacher thing? Are you being a kindergarten teacher right now?”
He shrugs. “It’s not exclusive to teaching. The best way to assess something is to look at several key elements, not just one.”
“Exactly,” Hagen says. “Dáithí, c’mon, you’ve seen me do this before.
When we’re building a bridge, we don’t pick the spot based only on the proximity to the town.
We look at a whole bunch of stuff first. The only true way to determine Eoin wants a committed relationship is for him to be in one until he dies.
That’s the ultimate proof. Since that’s not something you’re willing to try without assurances, we need to look at other measures. ”
Guilt and self-loathing swamp me. “This is wrong. Eoin doesn’t deserve—”
“No.” Andrew holds up his hand to stop me. “This was Eoin’s idea, remember? He told you to test him. Unless you’ve changed your mind and are ready to make your relationship official, the best way to show your respect for him is to let him try to win you over.”
I’m still a little nauseated by the thought, but he’s right.
I want—desperately want, have always wanted—to throw caution to the wind and dive headlong into being Eoin’s boyfriend, but I truly don’t think it’s what he wants, and I’m not putting myself through that again.
When he realizes, partway through these tests, that we’re not meant to be, he’ll be grateful to me.
We can continue on as friends, probably, and yes, I’ll be a little bruised by the loss of him, but nowhere near what I would be if I let myself love him.
He’d be so easy to love.
I swallow hard. “How many did you have in mind?”
The bros grin at me in a way that makes me think of glitter bombs and hidden plastic ducks. I may have unleashed a monster… or a team of them.
“I’m so glad you asked.” Caolan gestures with a flourish to the screen, and I see that it’s changed to another bulleted list, this one titled “Objectives.” They really have given this some thought.
I can’t believe they put it all together in a few hours.
“As you can see,” he continues, “we’ve broken this down into subsections.
The overall goal is for Eoin to prove he’s ‘relationship material,’”—Caolan actually makes air quotes with his fingers—“but that can mean a lot of things, and we also want to show that he’s relationship material for you, specifically. ”
I hadn’t considered that. It’s not a bad point. The last thing I want is to prove Eoin would make a great boyfriend for someone else.
“It’s not up for debate that Eoin is capable of maintaining commitments,” Hagen says, taking over. “Dáithí, I’m sure you agree with that.”
“Yes, of course.” I nod. “He’s committed to the king and to his service to the DEA—before that, the King’s Army. He’s loyal to his friends. You’re a good example of that, since anyone with less loyalty would have ghosted you millennia ago.”
He folds his arms across his chest. “Rude. I’m an excellent friend.”
I wave that off. “Whatever. The point is, I agree that Eoin is capable of commitment—it’s not something lacking in him. But there’s a big difference between a job and friends and your life partner.”
“And that’s why we’re here. To start with, we’re going to test his dedication to commitment—”
“But you just said—”
“—when there’s no element of expectation,” Hagen finishes.
“With a job, there’s a requirement to deliver.
There’s a boss and colleagues, and if you stop performing or showing up, there are consequences.
The same with friends—if you never join in or answer calls, there’s someone who can call you out for it. ”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” Noah demands.
“We’re saying that to truly test Eoin’s ability to commit, we need to do so without him knowing,” Alistair announces mysteriously.
Noah looks at him like he just said the sun was green. Jared and I exchange glances, and he shrugs.
“I’m guessing you have ideas for that, so let’s move on. What else are you planning to test?”
“How he relates to you,” Andrew replies. “How well he knows you and how he behaves in reaction to things you do and say—or situations you’re in.”
Jared perks up. “Oooh. That could be fun.”
“None of this is fun,” I remind him. “Why doesn’t this meeting have chocolate?” Or booze.
“It’s going to be fun,” Alistair assures me. “At least, it will be if Eoin lives up to my expectations.” He holds up his arm, and for the first time, I see the pink wristband on it. “I’m on Team Success.”
“Team… Success?” The words are spelled out in black letters against the pink.
“How did you have time to have those made?” Noah demands. “Did you get any work done this afternoon? You’re already behind on your reports.”
“Who’s on Team Failure?” I ask. It’s a logical question, but Caolan gasps.
“Not any of us,” he assures me, holding out his wrist for me to see. “We’re all on Team Success.” His lip curls. “We did have some of the other bands made, though. In case anyone has poor judgment.”
“They’re vomit green,” Hagen adds helpfully.
“I’ll have one of each.”
The shocked silence that takes over the room is kind of nice.
“Dáithí,” Jared begins, but I shake my head.
“I’m neutral. I have to be, if I’m going to get through this.” That’s what I’ll keep repeating to myself, anyway. “I don’t mind if you all pick sides, as long as you don’t let your work be biased.”
“Never!” Alistair shakes his head vehemently. “I am fully confident that Eoin will prove himself without any assistance from us. He will succeed!”
Okay, he might be losing sight of the point. “You know it’s okay if he doesn’t, right? That will just mean that he’s changed his mind about what he wants. There’s no win or lose here.” I’m going to keep telling myself that, as well.
“So it’s okay with you if Eoin has a support team?” Hagen challenges.
“What do you mean?”
“We’re here to help you plan the tests. Is it okay with you if Eoin has people to help him carry them out?”
I think about it. “Theoretically, yes. But doesn’t that defeat the purpose of what we’re doing, if someone else is completing the tasks for him?”
“I’d say that depends on the tasks.”