Ayida #3
I still hadn't told Noles. Hell, I hadn't told anybody.
And every day it felt like the truth crawled closer to the surface, like the roots of it were growing around my throat.
The wine didn't make it better. It made everything louder.
Hotter. My stomach twisted like it didn't want the truth inside me anymore.
I swallowed hard. The tang of wine tasted like metal on my tongue.
It was all too real now, Just like she said it would be.
The curse.
The barrenness.
"Ayida, girl, you don't hear us?" Amina snapped her fingers gently, dragging me back into the room. "Y'all tryin' or nah?"
My breath stuck in my chest. In that moment I felt trapped not physically, but spiritually.
Like the walls were closing in. Like all the air in that boutique gathered in the corners and left none for me.
I didn't know if it was the wine making my emotions spill over or the fact that I finally felt safe enough or that my spirit was tired of carrying the weight alone.
Whatever it was, I couldn't hold it anymore.
My fingers tightened around my glass. My throat burned.
My eyes blurred. And before I could convince my mouth to stay shut, "I can't have babies," I whispered.
The room fell silent. Complete stillness.
Even the clock on the wall seemed to stop ticking.
Chiana's glass froze halfway to her lips.
Amina's eyebrows folded slow and soft. Nia's entire face changed ,her shoulders dropping like she'd been punched in the heart for me.
Their features softened as one. A wave of sisterhood shifting toward me.
Not pity just presence. My breath caught again, chest tight.
I set my wine down before my hands betrayed me and shattered the glass like before. Inside, something sacred cracked open. I could feel the ancestors stirring behind me, not loud, but aware.
Watching.
Listening.
Waiting.
My voice shook when I continued, even quieter this time.
"I'll never be able to give him babies." Nia didn't hesitate.
"Aww, Ayida girl come here. She scooted forward and pulled me into her arms, holding me the way only another woman who's carried too much knows how.
I let a tear fall, wiping it quick before it could betray me again.
"Ugh he doesn't even know," I breathed out, defeat sitting low in my chest. "Don't tell him yet," Chiana said gently.
"How 'bout we get a second opinion first? "
Before I could answer, the boutique door swung open and Evie strutted in with Cicely right behind her, fanning cigarette smoke away with her acrylics.
"What y'all hens in here carryin' on about now?
" Evie asked, eyes sharp as she scanned the room.
"You," Chiana shot back without giving her any more time to analyze the room.
Giggles erupted around us, softening the heaviness that had just filled the air.
_____
Later That Afternoon
After almost three hours of fittings, pins, adjustments, and Evie's bossy commentary, we finally wrapped up.
Evie dropped us off, and we ended up piling into Amina's house, the only child-free home besides mine, since her Nana had her kids for the weekend.
Amina insisted we needed girl time, something light to wash the weight away.
Outside on her patio, the sun was leaning toward evening.
We sat around a large table peeling crawfish, our fingers seasoned red, margaritas sweating in the humidity.
The smell of lemon, spice, and butter lingered in the air.
They listened, as I told them the story of my childhood.
My mama. The affair. The curse. Fidel. Why my womb was marked before I even knew what it meant to be a woman.
"Wait, Fidel is yo daddy?" Nia asked, eyebrows pulled together. "Fidel Baptiste?"
"Biologically," I nodded, continuing. "But nothin' about him ever been a father to me.
" The table went quiet in that respectful way women go quiet when they hearing something sacred.
"I just think that whole thing is real fucked up, Ayida.
I'm sorry," Amina said, voice soft as she cracked another crawfish tail.
"Yeah," Chiana added, licking seasoning from her thumb, "I still think we should get a second opinion.
Maybe take a road trip, see a specialist or somethin'.
" I laughed, but bitterness crept into the sound.
"Crazy thing is I know Evie really not gon' have me a part of this family when she find that out. "
"Girl, Evie don't run nothin' but her damn mouth," Chiana said, waving it off. "Whatever goes on between you and your husband is between y'all. She can't make no decisions for him."
"We never know what can change," Nia added softly.
"Don't be so hard on yourself." Their words washed over me.
Not fixing the hurt but easing it, smoothing it, giving it somewhere else to live besides inside my chest. The cicadas hummed.
The air thickened like it always did before sunset.
And my spirit finally loosened its fist just a little, the burden didn't feel like mine alone anymore.