Ayida
I sat on Amina's couch and didn't move. My body was there, but my spirit was somewhere else floating, shaking, not anchored to nothing solid.
Amina's living room felt too bright and too dim at the same time.
The lamp by the window cast a soft amber glow, but it didn't warm me.
It just highlighted how undone I was. My knees bounced without permission, up and down, up and down, like my body was trying to outrun my thoughts.
My hands wouldn't stop sweating. I wiped them on my dress once.
Three times. They stayed wet. The tears wouldn't stop either.
They just kept coming, slipping out the corners of my eyes no matter how many times I told myself to pull it together.
I felt empty and overfull at the same time like something had been ripped out of me and exposed to the air.
Chiana sat on one side of me. Amina on the other.
Their arms were around me, hands rubbing my back, my shoulders, comfort I knew they were giving, words I knew they were saying.
But I didn't hear any of it. Their voices sounded far away, like they were talking underwater.
Everything felt muted except the pounding in my chest and the shame curling hot and ugly in my stomach.
I was distraught, Embarrassed, and Laid bare in a way I had spent my whole life avoiding.
And the worst thought, the one that made my throat close up and my chest ache, Noles probably hated me.
"Bondyé mwen" My God. I whispered, the words barely leaving my lips.
I had left him. standing there with my blood spilled all over that casino floor, my secret shouted out like a curse, my pain weaponized in front of everybody he loved.
I didn't even look back. I didn't know how.
I didn't know how to stand there and not crumble completely.
The thought hit me all over again and my stomach lurched hard.
I gagged. Before I could say anything, before anybody could grab me, I jumped up off the couch and stumbled down the hallway toward the bathroom.
My heels came off somewhere behind me, clattering against the hardwood floor.
I barely made it to the toilet before my body betrayed me completely.
I dropped to my knees and emptied my stomach.
Dry heaving. Burning throat. Tears falling straight into the bowl.
I pressed my forehead against the cool porcelain, shaking, whispering prayers I didn't even know I remembered.
Please... please... please...I didn't know what I was asking for. Forgiveness maybe. Relief or To disappear.
I heard the door open softly. Felt hands on my back.
Someone holding my hair. Someone pressing a cool glass into my palm.
When I finally leaned back, dizzy and hollow, I looked up at them.
Chiana's eyes were glassy. Amina's jaw was tight like she was holding her own emotions in check so I didn't have to.
"Drink," Amina said gently. "Take this too. "
I didn't ask what it was. I swallowed what they gave me, let the water wash the acid out my mouth, then let them guide me back to the couch like I was fragile glass.
I curled in on myself again, arms wrapped around my middle, like I could hold myself together if I tried hard enough.
"Anybody checked on Nia?" I asked suddenly, my voice small, hoarse.
Chiana nodded. "Yeah. I just got a text from her. She's fine. Shaken, she with Jules now." I nodded slowly. Relief flickered, then faded. Amina crossed her arms, studying me. "We worried about you, Ayida." I swallowed hard.
"Your husband called a few times," Chiana added softly. My chest tightened instantly. I reached for my purse like it might bite me, remembered I'd turned my phone off a long time ago. I couldn't hear his voice right then. I couldn't handle his silence either. I was trapped either way.
"He probably so angry," I whispered, staring at the wall like it might answer me.
"He probably don't want nothin' to do with me after this.
" The words felt poisonous coming out my mouth, but I couldn't stop them.
"I can't believe my worst nightmare just came true," I said, my voice cracking.
"I spent my whole life trying to make sure nobody ever found out like that.
And now... now it's out. In front of everybody.
Like I'm not even human." Chiana made a sound and waved her hand. "Girl, please. That man love you."
I shook my head slowly, tears spilling again.
"Love ain't always enough." She leaned forward, catching my chin gently.
"Ayida. I know this scary. And I know the way it came out was fucked up.
But this is your husband. This ain't no boyfriend you can disappear on.
" Amina nodded. "Things different when you married.
You don't get to protect yourself by runnin' no more, gurl.
" Their words hit deep because they were true.
I admired them both. The way they stood in their lives, in their marriages, in their truth even when it was ugly.
I wanted that strength. I just didn't know how to hold it yet.
Before I could say anything else, Chiana's phone rang. The sound made all three of us freeze. She looked down at the screen, then back up at me. "It's Juste." My stomach dropped. I nodded. Knowing she'd answer anyway. She put it on speaker.
"Hello?"
"Drop Ayida off at home," Juste said, voice calm but firm. "Then you come home."
"Okay," Chiana replied immediately.
"I love you," he added before hanging up. The line went dead. Silence settled over the room again, heavy and final. I exhaled slowly, pressing my palms together, fingers trembling.
The ride home felt longer than it was. Not because of distance, but because every mile carried the weight of what had been said out loud. What had been torn open. What had been seen. You asked for sight, I thought bitterly, my forehead pressed to the cool window. This what sight look like.
Streetlights blurred past in streaks of gold and white.
My breath came shallow. Uneven. I kept swallowing like I was trying to push something down that refused to stay buried.
I knew, deep down, that no matter how much I loved him, no matter how much he loved me, something had shifted tonight.
Not broken. But revealed. And revelation was never gentle.
Revelation stripped you naked and dared you to keep standing.
I wrapped my arms around myself, nails digging into my sleeves.
When we pulled up to the house, my heart sank straight into my stomach.
He was sitting on the porch. Liquor bottle hanging loose in his hand.
Elbows resting on his knees. Head bowed, in his thoughts.
The porch light cast a soft glow over him, catching the tension in his shoulders, the tight line of his jaw.
The car rolled to a stop. I didn't move.
Chiana turned and looked at me. Her eyes were gentle but firm.
She nodded once and reached over to squeeze my hand.
Before I could gather myself, Noles stood up.
He swayed slightly, caught his balance, and walked toward the car with that heavy, deliberate gait I knew too well.
It came when his mind was somewhere dark.
"Thank you, Chi," he said, voice rough. "I preciate you, sis.
" The quiet that followed was deafening.
I opened the door and stepped out, my legs trembling beneath me.
I walked past him without looking, straight into the house, like if I stopped moving I might collapse.
"Yi," he called after me but I kept walking.
My heels clicked against the floor, too loud in the silence.
I made it to the kitchen counter and set my purse down with shaking hands.
My chest felt tight. Then his hand closed around my arm.
He turned me toward him. "Ayida," he said. "Stop. Talk to me."
His eyes were red not from the liquor, but from something deeper.
Something cracked open. He searched my face like he was looking for blood, for breath, for proof I was still here.
I broke. "What else is there to say?" I whispered, my voice already fracturing.
"What you want me to say?" Tears welled up fast, blurring my vision.
My throat burned. The words I'd swallowed my whole life came rushing up all at once.
"I can't have kids," I choked. "I'll never be able to give you babies because I was cursed over some shit my mama and daddy did. " There it was. Ugly. Naked. Out loud.
My knees buckled slightly, and I braced myself against the counter.
My chest heaved like I'd been running for miles.
"I tried to protect you from it," I sobbed.
"I tried to protect us. I tried to outrun it.
Pray it away. Bathe it away. Hide it away.
But it followed me. It always follow me.
" He stepped closer, but before he could speak, I kept going because if I stopped, I might drown in it.
"I love you so much my soul won't survive without yours," I whispered, pressing my hand to my chest. "I love you more than my own breath.
And every month my body betray me, I feel like I'm failing you all over again.
Like I'm wasting your time. Like life gave you to me just to remind me of what I can't give back.
" My vision tunneled. I felt dizzy. My heart raced.