3. Chapter 3
Chapter three
Alex
Having a panic attack in public was Alex’s worst fear, and with his unrelenting anxiety tonight, each moment brought his nightmare closer to reality.
He reached into his pocket and took the Klonopin he’d brought while rationalizing it would be OK since he was limiting himself to one beer. Focus on the goal of getting through the dinner. At the end of the evening, you can be back in bed in Danyal’s arms and properly thank him for his birthday gift.
Alex tried to distract himself as he looked fondly around Dante’s Inferno. The tavern had become his bastion away from the stress of the world. Alex always knew he could come here for a cold drink that would melt away his anxiety. However, his sense of dread remained out of control tonight, even in his happy place and with his favorite beer. He tried to distract himself by thinking about the history of the tavern. Almost every action of defiance or sedition kicking off the Revolutionary War started within these four walls. He always thought he’d found his place here in Boston because he was a rebel at heart.
Although Alex imagined himself a revolutionary who could save the world, college was one realm where he really excelled. Literature and history spoke to him. Books were his domain and his escape from the struggles of the world. Alex wished other areas in his life, such as social interactions, were as enticing and relaxing as an enjoyable book. Only those close to him knew about his struggles with anxiety as he overcompensated by putting up a strong front. Beneath the fa?ade and bravado was his continual pursuit of perfection. But he had learned perfection was where happiness went to die.
Alex raised his head at the perfect moment to observe Ditta cross the tavern's threshold as she gracefully glided across the room. She always looked like she’d stepped off a Milan runway wearing, a long black leather jacket belted at the waist, immaculately tailored black pants, and a blue blouse that perfectly highlighted her figure. Besides her trademark bright red lipstick, he could never tell if Ditta was wearing makeup as her olive complexion was always flawless, with her long dark hair pulled back into a tight ponytail.
She smiled at Alex as they locked eyes. Her classic beauty was striking. Alex wondered if she’d ever share her beauty regime. Danyal was right; she was definitely out of place in this dive bar. Alex was envious of the primal attraction she possessed. He chuckled at the thought, as he knew he was desirable and never lacked companionship in bed. He'd had dalliances with many men, usually ending in an intense blaze of glory. Hookup culture supplied instant pleasure, but Alex knew nothing about love until Danyal. Speaking of Danyal, he was seated at the bar across the room, smiling at Alex with his devilish grin, ready to make his grand entrance after Alex and Ditta had caught up. Danyal’s was the drug Alex craved. He could see he was fidgeting, and was already on his second beer.
When Ditta reached the table, Alex stood up and kissed her on each cheek. He pulled out her chair, just like a gentleman. Her sending him to the finest boarding schools had bought him some manners.
“Happy birthday, Alex. Seeing you become such an extraordinary man has been my greatest pleasure. I hope the world is ready for you,” she said.
Alex said he had ordered her favorite wine, Cabernet Sauvignon, which paired well with dark chocolate. He laughed softly, opening the small ornately decorated box of Gianduiotto chocolates Ditta had placed on the table before him. Taking the first bite and letting it melt softly onto his tongue was almost orgasmic, and he felt his anxiety ebb away. How could the simple combination of sugar and cocoa be so heavenly?
“Careful,” Ditta said, “savor the moment. Viva la vida.”
Alex appreciated the chocolates as they sipped their drinks. The moment was almost perfect. Feeling unworthy of Ditta’s care and support, Alex said, “I’m so grateful to have you in my life and for everything you’ve done to support me financially, personally, and academically. I didn’t know who I’d be if I didn’t have you.”
Ditta sat at the table, watching Alex with tears in her eyes. Such a display of emotion surprised Alex. He’d never seen any sadness from Ditta before, and was embarrassed by his confession.
“I’m sorry,” he said. He didn’t intend to ruin the moment by upsetting her. “Please forgive me.”
Still holding back tears, Ditta looked away and took a deep breath before returning to meet his gaze. “Alex, you might not feel this way at the end of this night. You might hate me for what I’ve done.”
“Not possible,” he said, as he recognized the depth of the pain in her eyes. He knew instantly something was seriously wrong.
Ditta paused to reflect before speaking. “This birthday will be your most significant yet, and this night will determine the future of your entire life.”
Alex, half laughing, said, “It’s pretty dramatic as birthday speeches go, but as a literature major, he gave her credit for the vivid imagery.”
Ditta’s eyes narrowed, and the sadness on her face was replaced with anger. “I’m not joking, Alex. I’m deadly serious. Your life won’t be the same if you survive the night.”
“Woah, back up. If I survive the night?” Had she been hitting the vino on the drive to dinner? Maybe Ditta was having fun at his expense.
”It’s my fault, Alex, for keeping you in the dark, but I wanted you to enjoy as much life as possible before this day. Everything changes tonight. So, Alex, impress me with your knowledge. From your studies, what do you know about the ancient gods?” she asked.
This was the most random question Alex had ever been asked. “Are you serious? Are we having an oral exam now?”
”Answer the question!” she snapped.
Alex rolled his eyes and took a sip of beer, before responding that the ancient pantheon of gods was a family unit created by humans to establish societal norms and standards of behavior. Every culture has its own spin on the gods to control the masses. Despite all the art and literature on the subject, no undeniable evidence of their existence exists.
“Your answer is na?ve. What evidence would you believe? Would you even know if a god was sitting in front of you? Let’s ask this question in Socratic terms. What’s my name?”
“Ditta Dea?” said Alex hesitantly.
“What does Ditta mean?”
“I’m not sure,” said Alex. Ditta had never discussed much of her history with him, aside from her business accomplishments.
“Think, Alex. You’re a smart boy. Go back to ancient literature.”
Alex sat quietly for a moment and responded in a questioning voice, “Aphrodite.” He was growing tired of the game.
“So, what’s the meaning of my name?” Ditta asked again.
“Your name means goddess Aphrodite.” Alex felt a little dense for not putting two and two together. He wondered how bullied she must have been at school, being called Aphrodite. But who cares if her parents gave her an antiquated name? No wonder she shortened it.
“Are you angry with your parents for giving you that name?” he said, trying to make light of the strangely intense conversation.
Ditta responded that if she had parents, she'd ask them. She said she'd had many names across history: Venus, Freda, Branwe, Ziva, and Hathor. For Alex's information, she continued, the gods were indeed an elite group or pantheon, as he'd labeled them, but they were never human—in fact they were more like the universal forces of nature. Ditta paused, recognizing Alex’s confusion before she continued. She told Alex that Einstein was wrong, that gravity isn’t the most powerful force in the universe; rather the gods are the elemental forces of the universe. However, only two universal forces remained throughout the development of human civilizations—survival of the fittest at a cosmic level. Only Eros and Thanatos remained. Creation and destruction. Life and death. Love and hatred. Sex and aggression.
Alex sat in disbelief, wondering what had happened in the past fifteen minutes. All he wanted to do tonight was to have a drink with Ditta, have her meet his boyfriend, savor his favorite chocolates, and fuck Danyal to end his evening. How did he get here? Ditta laughed as Alex looked dumbfounded.
“Mind letting me in on the joke?” Alex said.
Ditta responded she had enlightened him about the true nature of the universe, and there he was thinking about fucking the handsome man at the bar.
How the hell did she know what I was thinking?
Ditta smiled at Alex and told him that he was sitting in front of the goddess of Eros, thinking about sex. There was no way for her to avoid hearing his desires. She told Alex she could hear the carnal thoughts and desires of every person on the planet. For example, she explained, the couple to his right looked to be in love, but he was “fucking” his secretary. The couple to the left of them haven't fucked in years. The two men playing pool were fucking each other, but only when drunk enough to act on Eros. Meanwhile, the woman at the bar in the burgundy blouse was asexual.
The conversation no longer amused Alex. “If…if I believed you, Ditta, why are you telling me these universal truths?”
“Because…I’m dying,” said Ditta as she looked away from Alex.
“Excuse me?” said Alex. He couldn't believe what he had heard.
Ditta raised her head and met Alex’s gaze. “I’m dying, Alex. I thought we’d have more time to prepare you to be the champion of Eros, but it has taken too much of my life force to conduct the experiments to create a new vessel for Eros and to hold back Thanatos to keep the world in balance.”
Regardless of her far-fetched stories, Alex could see from the sincerity in Ditta’s eyes that she wasn't lying. He leaned forward, placing his hands on hers, and asked, “How much time do you have?”
“I barely have enough energy to prepare you tonight. I won’t make another sunrise.”
Alex sat back in his chair, placing his right hand over his mouth as he realized his feelings of dread had been warranted. He started to cry and asked, “Is there anything modern medicine can do for you?”
Ditta shook her head. She explained modern science couldn’t heal her body. She was losing her connection to the Eros force. Her remaining Eros force must be transferred to him tonight, or they risked the world falling into deep chaos. She couldn't abandon humanity or the universe to their demise with Thanatos. Eros and Thanatos must remain balanced, or the universe will devolve into darkness. Ditta told Alex to look at the course of American history to see the imbalance of forces. When she loved and Eros was abundant, there was peace, prosperity, harmony, civil rights, equality, and spiritual growth. However, when Thanatos was the stronger force, the results were catastrophic: slavery, the Great Depression, two world wars, Vietnam, climate destruction, natural disasters, poverty, famine, MAGA, and Fox News. She said anyone with eyes would know Eros was losing the battle and that is why the universe needed Alex to survive.
Alex sat shaking his head. How could he be the universe's savior? This must all be some sick joke.
Ditta stated the plan was for Alex to replace her as the Eros force. She'd known her time was limited for the past thirty years and had tried so many times to create—through cosmic and supernatural means—the perfect vessel that could become Eros. But after thousands of failed attempts, her energy had been drained and, as a result, the universe suffered. She’d given up and was resigned to her fate until humanity developed scientific and technological advancements in genetics and cloning. She said Alex was the only test subject to survive the genetic cloning procedures and mature into adulthood. She and Alex were the same. “You are Eros, the fusion of science and the supernatural.”
Alex ran his fingers through his hair as he tried to process what Ditta had said.
“I’m a clone of a god and the result of a supernatural experiment?” Alex said.
Ditta nodded. Genetic manipulation alone was insufficient in the trials, and other methods needed to be employed to ensure survival. She said the secret ingredient to the process was ichor which enhanced his chances of survival and immortality. The ichor now in Alex's blood was the supernatural agent that fueled his abilities and immortality. Ditta said mortals couldn’t consume ichor without turning their blood to fire and bones to sand.
Alex nervously laughed. Where had he received ichor? With his diet, it must be pizza and beer! Ditta clarified Alex had been ingesting increasing doses of ambrosia every year since birth. Had Alex never wondered why the chocolates she gave him were so especially divine? Turns out, they were Divine.
Alex looked puzzled, realizing Ditta was being totally sincere. He acknowledged he’d never been sick or had a fever. He'd never been to a doctor except for a school-related physical. Alex didn’t know if it was the conversation or mixing beer with Klonopin, but his face was burning hot, and his head was starting to throb like a bass drum at Mardi Gras. He sat back in his chair, beginning to sweat as the room spun. His heart raced, and his breathing grew faster and shallow.
Fuck, another panic attack.