Chapter 1 #2
‘You’re…?’
He sighed, mouth tightening. She knew she was pushing it. He could see it in the way she hesitated. Lucy had always been good at reading a room. Unfortunately for him, he was the room.
‘Not going back,’ he repeated. A gust of wind rattled the awning of the shop below, and he turned away from the railing.
‘Not yet, anyway.’ He shrugged, rocking back on his heels as he looked around the apartment — the pale walls, the plants, the careful lack of clutter.
‘Thought I might hang around here for a few months and confuse my family.’
‘What about work?’
‘I quit.’
‘You quit your job in Washington?’ She stared at him as if he’d spoken another language. ‘How come? I thought you loved being a lobbyist.’
He had. God help him, he had. He’d loved the game-playing, and the power that came with it. He’d loved the constant need to pivot and switch strategies to stay three moves ahead. Until he wasn’t.
‘I did. But now…’ He watched a gull dip low over the water, skim it, then rise again. He walked back inside the apartment. ‘I don’t. So I left. Is that sufficient information for you to pass on to the others?’
‘Are you kidding? No! Nowhere near! I need more detail.’
He grimaced slightly but decided to offer a little more. ‘I couldn’t stand the double-dealing, the subterfuge, the secrets… the lies.’
‘Ha! And that’s just your personal life!’
Dan was aware that Lucy was waiting for him to laugh with her. But he couldn’t. Her aim was too true.
‘And that,’ he eventually said, ‘is definitely all you’re getting.’ He took a long swallow of wine, though it tasted as thin and pointless as his life right now. ‘Don’t worry, Luce. Everything’s fine.’
She grimaced.
‘Why don’t you believe me?’ he asked.
‘Because you’ve got a weird look about you. It’s like you’re going through the motions. Someone speaks, you answer, but you’re not really there.’
He huffed and closed his eyes briefly. When he opened them again he could see she’d noticed him flinch.
‘Are you depressed or something?’ she asked.
He didn’t answer. He didn’t need to. His stillness did it for him. She reached out and put a hand on his arm. He spun around.
‘What happened, Dan?’
For a moment — just a brief moment — he considered telling her.
Telling her about the woman who’d smiled across candlelit tables, and sworn she’d never wanted children until she’d wanted his.
About the ultrasound photo that had lived in his wallet for three weeks. About the engagement ring he’d bought.
About the phone call. The pauses. And about that last night when he’d planned a surprise while she was away.
He’d let himself in to her apartment, his arms full of flowers, and learnt the truth.
His best friend had returned to Washington to claim the woman and baby Dan had thought were his. Double betrayal.
He patted Lucy’s hand and stood. ‘Nothing for you to worry about.’
‘That’s exactly the kind of thing that has me worried. So, what are you going to do while you’re here?’
‘I’m thinking about it.’
‘Right.’ But the doubtful look on her face contradicted her words.
‘You go. You’ll be late otherwise.’
She nodded, the frown still hovering over her eyes. ‘Well, I guess I should. Right,’ she said, suddenly decisive, ‘I’ll let you eat in peace. Stay as long as you like.’
‘Thanks. I won’t be long. I’ll go and see Mum later before I go back to my flat.’
‘You could stay here if I had an extra bedroom.’
‘Lucy. You’re not fooling anyone. We all know the only reason you have one bedroom is because you don’t want to live with anyone. You’re too independent for that.’
He knew that while she, like him, might enjoy sussing other people out, they could be their own worst enemies when it came to understanding themselves.
‘Anyway, get going,’ he said. ‘And enjoy yourself.’
‘Right.’ She picked up her bag and walked to the door, hesitating with her hand on the knob. ‘And Dan? Just know that if you ever want to talk about… whatever it is, I’m here.’
The uncomplicated warmth and love he saw in her eyes — love that wanted nothing in return — nearly undid him. He blinked back the tears. What the hell? He never cried. She turned away.
‘So… what are you going to tell Mum?’
‘That you’re staying longer in New Zealand because you miss the family, home-cooked meals and MacLeod’s Cove.’
‘Perfect. See you soon, Luce.’
‘Love you,’ she said as she closed the door.
And he knew she did. But he also suspected that, because of that love, she wouldn’t give up until she knew everything. She’d decided, for whatever reason, not to press him tonight. Probably through lack of time.
He went back outside onto the balcony and watched Lucy get into her electric car, giving her a brief wave. After she’d driven off he stayed there, looking at the strip of sea between the headland and the distant dark smudge of the South Island.
He didn’t know how long he stood there.
He only knew that for the first time in years, he wasn’t moving towards anything. And his life felt… empty. He was a hollow shell waiting to find himself again. And he didn’t have the first idea how to go about it.