Chapter 20
CHAPTER 20
S hinji
“Explain to me again why we had to come here in person before agreeing on the overall strategy?” From the side of my eye, I glance at Lakeshia, who sits in the passenger seat of our car rental.
She turns to me after adjusting the air conditioner fans for the third time. “Although Ichiro found Perla’s new location, he hasn’t linked her to Tommaso’s man. She needs a little incentive.”
“And you can’t provide this via phone?” I check the rearview mirror for any tails.
Although Lakeshia and I are using an alias for this trip, I’ll never take her or my safety for granted. I enjoy breathing, but more than that, I can’t let anything happen to us for Takeshi’s sake.
Getting him to agree to relax enough to have Lakeshia out of our territory was a huge concession for him. Although I can get him to relax his rigid stance on our protection, I know it comes at a cost for my husband.
He’s lost people he cared about and always blamed his decisions to loosen up as the reason. His overly domineering attitude once nearly destroyed our relationship. He settled down some before Lakeshia entered our lives, but signs reminiscent of the time before he calmed the fuck down are springing up again.
When she’s in Riu’s custody, he continues to check his phone every fifteen minutes, despite our trip to the studio. After allowing him to let off some steam on the piano, a kiss works wonders to distract him from spiraling. However, right now he’s alone and without my help to channel his energies elsewhere.
His level of concern gives me hope his feelings for Lakeshia are deepening, his reservations are weakening, and I’m one step closer to completing our family.
Despite knowing he must be itching to call because Lakeshia and I are a state away and about to enter enemy territory, our quiet phones say a lot. Even though he’s bound to have picked up his phone too many times to count and argue with himself for wanting to call.
Lakeshia shifts in her seat before reclining and placing an arm over her eyes. “Other than work-related calls, I rarely use the phone. Considering I’m currently out of work, I don’t see the need.”
“Didn’t you demand Takeshi get you one?”
“Of course. No one wants to be beholden to someone else during emergencies.”
“How did you keep in touch with your friends?”
Lakeshia snorts. After a few seconds of silence, she raises her seat to stare at me with growing curiosity. “You’re serious? In your line of work, you have friends?”
“Are you implying you don’t?” I frown, wondering again how lonely her life has been.
Despite my aversion to dwelling on her former occupation, Lakeshia was in high demand for her girls and her personal services. With all those relationships, there must have been a few that got past her heavily guarded walls, right?
She swings her head to contemplate the scenery. “Anything beyond business and blackmail are health hazards. I won’t involve innocent people, knowing I’m damning them to a premature death.”
“Takeshi and I aren’t innocent.”
Her body stills before her shoulders begin to shake in silent laughter. “No, innocent you are not.”
“But we are human.” I keep my face forward but sense when she spins to stare at me.
“What does that mean?”
I tap my thumbs against the steering wheel.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
How do I give her another perspective without shoving the phone into her hand and guilting her into calling Takeshi?
“Shinji?”
“Danger and death breathe down our throats every day.”
“This isn’t news.”
“And this isn’t working.” I pull off the highway and onto the offramp of a rest area.
“Shinji?” Lakeshia’s rising concern isn’t my goal.
Once I pull into a shaded space away from other cars, I shut off the engine and get out of the car to open her door. “Let’s walk.”
We stroll in silence for a few minutes.
“How certain are you that your former associates didn’t fall prey to Tomasso?”
Instead of looking at me, she averts her gaze, displaying a rare instance of shyness. “Although we never fostered close relationships, I have my ways of keeping tabs on the women who worked for me. Plus, every so often I send reminders of my existence and the information I have to my power brokers.”
Her admission is something I can use.
“Do you think Riu and Ichiro are our version of keeping tabs on you?”
“Aren’t they?”
I stop her with an arm on her elbow.
She stills but doesn’t turn to face me.
“No number of Rius and Ichiros will reassure me or Takeshi in the way only hearing your voice or seeing your face will.”
She shrugs my hand off and marches with more anger in her step. “I get it. You don’t want your walking womb in danger.”
Her response sends an electric surge through me, temporarily paralyzing me in shock. Once the words echoing on repeat in my head make sense, I rush after her and swing her struggling frame into my arms.
“Lakeshia, I get that you’ve had a shitty life, and Takeshi and I haven’t pushed as much as we would like, but I need you to understand something.”
Once she stops twisting to escape from my embrace, I pinch her chin and lift her face until our eyes meet. “You are not just a walking incubator to us.”
She scoffs and rolls her eyes, her skepticism slicing me more keenly than a katana.
“Don’t believe me?”
“Shinji, we fuck for you to get me pregnant.”
“Stop lying. The first night we had sex, you weren’t ovulating. If all we wanted was to use you for babymaking, we wouldn’t have touched you.”
“Ha! You said it yourselves. You and Takeshi love sex.”
“Do I need to refresh your memory?”
“What are you talking about?” Lakeshia’s body tenses and a frown downturns her mouth.
I caress her cheek and her eyelids lower over her glazed irises. “What happens between us is more than mere fucking and you know it. Stop denying our connection.”
“But—” Her breathing increases, but I interrupt her before she thrusts us into a heated argument.
“Transactional fuckers don’t talk the way we do. They can’t comfort each other the way we do. And they sure as hell don’t fit each other as perfectly as we do.”
“Shinji…” Her voice is low as if coming from the far end of an empty tunnel.
“No, Lakeshia. I bet you’re consumed with thoughts of me and Takeshi when we aren’t around, the same way your name whispers through our minds five minutes after we say goodbye. That shit isn’t because you’ll carry our child one day. You mean so much more to us than you know.”
I stop talking when my words don’t seem to have an effect. I’d wonder if Lakeshia’s listening, but she doesn’t look good.
“Take…me…to the…car.” Lakeshia gasps, her body beginning to shake, reminding me of our first night together.
Without thinking, I rush us to the car and place her in the back seat. Harsh breaths pepper the air and sweat breaks out on her forehead, casting a clammy sheen on her brown skin. Silent recriminations beat me over the head for not realizing her panic sooner. I sprint to the trunk with our bags and extract the blanket she never sleeps without.
“Please, leave.”
“Not on your fucking life.” I hand her the crocheted covering, wrap my arms and legs around her, and squeeze. When her shudders continue without abating, I hum the song I wrote about her after she gave me my first concussion. After the first run, the force of her trembling weakens and I sing the chorus.
Once her body slackens in my hold, I turn her body until I see her face. Remnants of tears leave her lashes spiky and her cheeks shiny.
“I’ve got you,” I whisper, almost broken by the realization she cried in absolute silence.
“I’m okay now.”
“No, you aren’t. When will you accept you don’t have to be strong all the time? Lean on me and let me be your strength.”
“But…”
Seeing she hasn’t accepted our dynamic yet, I switch tactics, though I cannot hide the depth of my emotions. “If I told you I needed to hold you, would you allow me?”
Either the force of the words through my pressed lips or strained voice stops Lakeshia’s protests.
She curves her arms around my shoulders and buries her face in my neck.
I tremble in her hold, wrap my arms around her, and breathe in her tuberose and vanilla scent. Her willingness to comfort me after experiencing an anxiety attack belies all the pushback she gave me on our walk.
“Can you tell me what occurred just now?” I ask once I’m calm.
At my question, Lakeshia tries to pull away, but I tighten my hold on her.
She quickly loses her fight. “I told you before, I don’t do role play,” she whispers.
“The relationship guy?”
She nods but doesn’t add more details apart from what she told me the first night.
I pull her arms from around my shoulders and nudge her out of my arms. “I need you to see my face when I tell you this.”
“What is it?” Confusion clouds her stare, but the defiance of moments ago no longer lingers in the tight skin at the corner of her eyes.
“Although I could speak for Takeshi, he’s not here and I’ll only address my actions. I have no interest in faking a relationship with you, and I can’t pretend I don’t feel more than lust for you, or that you aren’t a song that lives in my heart right next to the one Takeshi put there years ago.”
“Shinji, you don’t know what you’re saying.”
I caress Lakeshia’s cheek. “Something you should know about me is I know my heart better than anyone else. And every glimpse into your life, your character, and your mind only embeds you deeper.” I place her hand over my heart. “So, how do I show you what you mean to me without pushing you into an episode?”