Chapter 32
CHAPTER 32
L akeshia
Why are doctors’ exam rooms always chilly?
A shiver runs through me while the paper covering the cold, hard plastic beneath my ass crinkles with each subtle movement of my body.
Following our failed attempt on Tomasso’s life, we returned to Serenidad without spending the night in Felicidad. And today, I’m taking the next step in making my plan a reality. Despite Shinji’s and Takeshi’s arguments, I remain unconvinced to step away from ridding the world of the two men who’ve made my life a living nightmare.
I can’t risk blacking out again and allowing my body to go on autopilot. I still don’t understand my reaction. Saying Paul’s name and relaying what he did to me doesn’t send me into an emotional and mental shutdown. Yet when someone else brings him up or the man himself appears, catching me off-guard, my psyche goes on autopilot to disassociate.
What if I see Paul again, but this time I lose Shinji or Takeshi? Nothing beat the possibility into my head harder than when Takeshi said Shinji would slit his wrists for my wellbeing. Not an exaggeration. I’ve seen Shinji hurt himself for me already, and my request didn’t require blood.
If Shinji’s willingness to sacrifice for me isn’t enough, Takeshi’s feels somehow worse because he won’t profess his intention before taking on the risk. One day I’ll be blissfully going about my life and either Shinji or Katsuo will slam me with the news of Takeshi’s death. It will be like my wedding ring.
I twist the jewelry around my finger. No gift, and I’ve received many over the years, is as precious or meaningful to me. And I get to wear it because of Takeshi’s decisiveness. He read our hearts and acted. He’ll take matters into his hands again if I don’t get my shit together. I can’t have him endangering himself on my behalf while I sit in the safety of whatever haven they decide.
A knock on the door precedes the doctor’s entrance. After a quick greeting, she sits and opens her laptop.
“So you’re here today for an anti-anxiety prescription?” she asks without taking her eyes off the screen.
“Yes, I get overwhelmed to the point I lose time. Is there medicine that can keep me calm without turning me into a zombie?”
“Before we get into your options, let’s discuss your medical history.”
I share what I know of my family’s history and give her a rundown of my treatment with my therapist.
“And is there any chance you’re pregnant?”
“Very unlikely. I have an IUD,” I admit aloud for the first time since my agreement with Shinji and Takeshi.
I don’t feel guilty about agreeing to their terms knowing my implant would prevent pregnancy. However, shame dogs me now because I share their dream of growing our family. I comfort myself with the knowledge I’ll remove the implant once I resolve everything with Tomasso and Paul.
Although we’re in a state of limbo, my freedom from their specters is closer at hand than it’s ever been. And with the whisper of liberation on my tongue, I’m counting the days until I can fulfill my and my husbands’ dreams in earnest.
The doctor’s laptop dings and she clicks her touchpad a few times. “Hmm.”
An odd note in her voice spurs me to ask, “Something wrong?”
She twists her chair to face me, a mix of concern and caution on her face. “The pregnancy test you took when you arrived came back positive. You’re pregnant.”
“But my IUD…” I touch my stomach, trying to grapple with the news. There’s no way. Shouldn’t I have symptoms? Nausea, fatigue, swelling? None of those apply… Then again, I cry far more often than I ever have. But I have a good reason. Having constant reminders of the man who raped me and his connection to the man who murdered my father justify shedding a tear or two.
“I understand your confusion. IUDs are over ninety-nine percent effective, but there are rare cases where pregnancy occurs.”
“I… I…”
“Not the news you’re expecting, I’m sure.”
“Nowhere close.” I peer at the doctor but her features aren’t clear. Everything has a blurry outline.
“Don’t worry, your reaction is reasonable, but I must caution you. The implant poses a threat to the fetus the longer it stays inside you.”
“What do you suggest?” I blink, bringing her into focus.
“We have an obstetrician on staff. I’ll see if they can fit you in today. They’ll want to do an ultrasound to check the position of your implant and how close the fetus is before disclosing probable outcomes. If removing the implant is an option, you could have the procedure done as soon as today. You also have the choice to terminate. Whatever you decide, our OB staff specializes in high-risk pregnancies. You’ll be in excellent hands.”
I agree to meet the OB. The hours fly by, treating me like a distant observer of my life. I make snap decisions without thinking things through. If I leave with my thoughts to spend hours weighing the risks and bearing the weight of my decision, I’ll likely talk myself into doing something I’ll regret.
Once everything is done and I can’t reverse my decision, I meet Riu in the reception area. I avoid eye contact, passing him without a word, and leading the way to the car. All while viciously silencing the thoughts shouting inside my head. My soundless battle rages unnoticed by Riu or the driver for the duration of the ride home.
As soon as my foot crosses the threshold, I sense my husbands are not home. I exhale a relieved breath, glad I won’t have to face them so soon. How do I tell them I made a decision that will affect them?
I escape into my she-asis, a room Takeshi and Shinji designed to bring me peace whenever I need an escape. The white walls with splashes of sensual reds, pinks, and purples invite me to wile my day away and forget my worries. Photos of me, me and Shinji, and me and Takeshi line the wall facing where I spend the most time, the custom-built bed.
Upon entering, I head to its welcoming embrace. The bed is a mashup of smart bed meets fur-lined bean bag. With features like a massage section, speakers for music, a built-in bookcase, dimming lights, and more amenities that I’ve yet to use, it’s a miracle I ever leave this room.
Especially after a hard therapy session when I need solitude to reflect on everything my therapist discusses with me. Hard truths about myself and my tendency to overextend my ability to compartmentalize, resulting in anxiety attacks and blackouts.
But today, my need for peace isn’t because of Tomasso and Paul, though they remain a threat to my future happiness.
When I’m inches away, I see I’m not the only one answering the call to this space. In the middle of the bed, huddled on the white fur covering, are Creamsicle, the orange and white kitten, Marmalade, the solid orange tabby, and Tora, the diabolical baby abandoner.
“Licking them like your life depends on it will not see you reaching the pearly gates,” I mutter as I contort my body around their huddle.
Tora ignores me as he tends to the kittens whose eyes are closed in ecstasy and their loud purring advertises their delight.
Although I do my best to put up a front and pretend the kittens don’t affect me, their cuteness is undeniable. They’re mini-magnets and they’re set to my frequency. I suspect Takeshi and Shinji know about me and humor me by not calling me out for the liar I am.
I give up the fight to pay them no heed and drag all three of them into the circle of my arms. Tora barely glances at me before he continues bathing the others.
I play with their tiny paws, amazed that something so small could produce such overwhelming feelings of protection and fear. Creamsicle curls her paw around my finger and I can’t help but superimpose an image of a baby’s hand doing the same.
“I guess I’ll have more anxiety to look forward to,” I whisper to them. When faced with the choice of aborting an unplanned but very much wanted baby, almost certain miscarriage by keeping my IUD, a possible miscarriage by removing the implant, or sharing my mother’s fate of dying during childbirth, today has been a day.
And on top of not consulting Takeshi and Shinji in a decision I won’t face the full ramifications of until they slap me in the face, I don’t know if I can tell them what I did today. I touch my belly with my free hand.
At any point in the next few days, I might still lose the baby nestled in my womb because I chose to remove my implant. If my life isn’t shitty enough, I now have the perfect excuse for Shinji and Takeshi to exclude me from taking Tomasso’s and Paul’s last breath. I wasn’t ready to accept their arguments last night, and I’m not ready today.
The three cats become a blur as tears silently streak down my cheek and hope and happiness seem beyond my reach.